Friday, December 16, 2011

Can Ya Believe It ????

Guess who has 6 MONTHS CLEAN tomorrow ???? Yep,.... My D is doing it,.... Which he's never got to before, totally & beautifully clean ! ( well, except cigarettes). And guess who's gone to at least 5 meetings, usually more, a week, is working the steps, etc., & removed himself from all that he knew when he used during the whole time ? No coincidence.

Now, if we could only be with him for Christmas ,...quite bummed about that, but in light of his progress I'm working on just being very grateful. More later,....I've been a terrible lax blogger lately,..but have kept up with yours. Peace & recovery to all whom we love.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Bad News

    Got a phone call this afternoon from my mother in law.  She wanted to talk to Steve/my husband,....asked if he had his cell phone.  He'd just left for the gym...hadn't taken his phone with him. I said I could go to the gym and get him,'s not far from our house.  She said, "yes,...if you could, and have him call me. "  I asked if she was o.k,. and she said she was,...that it was kind of a long story.  I knew right then it wasn't good, obviously. For her to even let me "trouble myself" to go and get him (which it wasn't any trouble to do),..., my heart sank right then.   I did get him, he called her...and the bottom line is what we feared.  Boopa's biopsy results are back and it's cancer.  : (     I don't know if that's pancreatic cancer, or liver cancer...or what, but obviously, it's very terrible news.  We now wait to hear results of more tests that are being done.    They did say it was in the early stage.    We've already decided to go up there this year  now for Christmas.   I'm hoping we can get D home from Florida to be with all of us. That just depends upon him getting off from work.    I am hating the thought of telling our daughter in Australia.  This will be very tough for her to hear.  She absolutely adores him, and it's very hard to be as far away as she is and hear this type of news.  Thanks again for listening.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Ups, Downs, and Gratitude good as our Boopa seemed to be doing.....scary stuff happened today.  This morning, he went to the bathroom at the hospital and on the way back to bed,...passed out. Once back in bed, he began to vomit a lot of blood, and it wasn't good, in a big way.  He was put into ICU, and required a transfusion, due to the loss of so much blood.  My husband, Steve, texted this to me at work...and I tried to pray as much as I could, while doing what was needed with my surrounding 2nd graders. 

  It ended up that the doctors had to go in and again do the procedure that was needed to originally remove his blocked duct, find where the internal bleeding originated.  Fortunately, they were able to do that,  ...put in 2 staples and cauterized the area of bleeding...then back to the ICU for at least 48 hr.s.. After that,  he should be moved back to a regular room or  "released and sent home"...aagh.   I don't really like the sound of that already...but also know that the hospital is not really the place you want to be....healthwise/ possibilty of infection, etc..

  But geeze....what he's been through...mind you, starting out as weak and jaundiced as he was, wouldn't be an easy process for someone younger and much stronger...never mind a weak and jaundiced 85 yr. old.   My poor mother in law....what a tough day or number of days, she's had,...that's an understatement.  She is very oriented to anxiety as it is....never mind this.  Speaking of that....that whole part of the family is the link to a lot anxiety...with her and many of her side,...D comes by that very honestly/genetically.

   That's the latest....and we're grateful he's still with us.  Again...thanks for listening !!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

got it done.....hallelujah

Well,...D texted tonight....said he'd just left Goodwill and FINALLY got his community service hours DONE, prior to the Dec. 7th deadline.....yaaay !!   IF he hadn't finished on time, it would have meant a year in jail !  After all he's been through,....after all we've been through, and how far he's come, and how forunate he was to not end up with a felony charge for cocaine and having it reduced to a sure would have been nuts to have let this not get done.  He only had 25 hours of community service to do !!   He's had 6 MONTHS within which to do it......and yet...the last week.  OK, OK, I know...he got it done,...I will focus on that but still....geeze.   Now, hopefully he'll get the documentation to the right people on time....aagh.

    On another note....and a thankful one, my father in law continues to improve and is doing well, other than a high white blood cell count.  Of course, I don't like to hear that....but will remain positive as we wait for the biopsy results.  Thanks for your prayers,...and thanks for "listening".  : )

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So far, so good ! : )

Boopa/big D made it through the surgery great ! They were able to remove the blockage from his bile duct & it's being biopsied, so we'll wait to hear the results before we feel more hopeful. His bilirubin was extremely high,.... it never should have got that high. If someone much younger had been that yellow,.. yes, yellow,... It wouldn't have got that bad,... aagh. Anyway, thank you so much for your support !!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

the most wonderful man

 For those of you who are inclined to pray,....I'm asking for some tonight, and not for my addict son. I'm asking for prayer from my sweet, kind, funny and just overall fabulous father in law, of the best people I've ever known.  He's like my father, not "just" a father in law,...but a man who's all I wished my actual father could have been, had he been a much better guy. 

   My father in law, another "D" is in the hospital tonight, waiting for a procedure tomorrow, to remove what's blocking his bile duct.  He's very jaundiced and (imo) it's gone on far too long prior to now doing something about it.  I realize that it's a risky procedure and that was the reason that this has gone on and one....but still....don't even get me started on that one.  He's 85 yr.s old, and I know that's old, but until not that long ago, ...certainly not someone who seemed that old.  At 78, I sure couldn't ski down the mountain as fast as he could and keep up with him.  Skiing with him was something that has been some of the best fun I've ever had.  You would have to know him....and how I've been so blessed to, I don't know.  But he's been the best grandfather any kid could ever have....and my 3 have been so fortunate.  We are not ready to lose him,and I'm praying it's resolvable and not cancer.  I know I will accept what is, but asking for some prayers sure can't hurt. 

    Thanks for listening.  The kids call him Boopa.   Please pray for our Boopa. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Recovery Road

Well, I don't know how the time has gone by so fast without me blogging. I've kept up on everyone else's, but mine seems to have got away from me.    So many different issues, events...where to begin ?

Back in August, we had an engagement party for our daughter and her fiance, who'd arrived from Australia the week before.  It was a big deal around here and we'd done all kinds of things to prepare for it, for what felt like all summer, since there were many home projects that were in need of doing anyway. It was the first time many(almost all) of the family and friends were meeting the fiance,and getting to see our daughter who'd been away for so long.    D, at that time, was still living in the sober living home in Florida, and we flew him up on Fri. night for the Sat. party,....going back on Monday.  He'd relapsed in mid June, but had been clean since then, and seemed to be doing well.    As it turns out, he wasn't ready to be in the presence of all of those people, all at one time. Being around everyone, with many people here, including quite a number sleeping over, just freaked him out. He  (I later came to understand) still felt very shamed, all that's gone on the past 4 or 5 years, in the knowledge that the great majority of the people here knew it. He didn't deal with it well at all,....and behaved in a way that made it worse....go figure.  He wasn't very sociable (to say the least), he took off for long periods of time, with old friends (ugh), and also spent quite a bit of his time up in the bedroom and slept during part of the day where you wouldn't think he'd  be sleeping....all very addict like behavior. He did talk with some of the people here for part of the time, but also did all those other things I just mentioned.  And, I'll some level, for some of it, I was embarassed,...but I did pretty quickly let it go, (the concern of being at all embarassed) for I couldn't control it (at least, not much) and didn't want to focus on that and lose my enjoyment at all that was happening for our daughter and her future husband.  Although I realize that it sure does sound like it.....I truly don't think he used that weekend,...but he later told me that he came close to doing so.    The bottom line is.....the shame of what's happened in the past can sure be a heavy burden to carry and deal with, even when they're doing better.                     As many of you know from my past posts, my mom died unexpectedly just 2 weeks after the engagement party...and by that time D was back in Florida.  After all that had just happened, we didn't have him come back up to her wake and funeral in Connecticut, and that long weekend with the family.  It was Labor Day weekend.  D and my mom were quite close, and to think that he wasn't there for her services and tribute to her is something that is still amazing for me to think of,...but I guess, in another way, not really.  Addiction does so much to the addict and those around him/her, that none of those ripples really surprise me at all anymore.  He just wasn't feeling comfortable at that point in handling being all together with all of those people he's known all his life, despite that they all love him.   Hopefully, he'll progress in his ability to free himself from shame, for it's not serving any good purpose.

    Since early October, D moved out of the sober living house and into another place that he's renting with his now girlfriend, that he'd met in his sober living house. There were supposed to be 3 of them, but the 40 yr. old guy was taken back by his wife, so that fell through.  They're still looking for someone else to share the rent with.  In fact, the house they're living in is about 3 houses down the street from the sober living house, which is a pretty good thing. He'll go over there and watch a football game or hang out for awhile with the people he knows there sometimes.  And yes, obviously, living with, never mind having a relationship with, another addict in early recovery is certainly not what's recommended.  For that matter, the fact that he's only 20 and living with his girlfriend is something that I would have had big issues with in the past, more than I do now, after having lived through this addiction monster the past 5 years.  Meaning,'s all relative.

  "Stacy"(the girlfriend) is a 20 yr. old young woman who's working very hard on her recovery and appears to take it quite seriously.  She didn't go to the same rehab. that he did before the sober living house, and has "only" been to rehab. once....and (at least thus far) appears to really get it, and does what she needs to do to be better, on a daily basis.  D says that she's "more of an addict than me"(yikes), and used to shoot heroin,....I'm sure did plenty of other drugs,...but that she "works harder than I do on recovery".  So, as much as I'm hesitant on how this will all work out in the future, having someone he lives with and cares about that's so into recovery isn't a bad thing either.  I'm hoping they do find another roommate, and that if D and Stacy break up....that he's not alone, for I don't think being isolated is a good thing for him at all.  Her family is only 40 min.s away, so they even have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving this week. 

   We just went down last weekend to see D and Stacy and spend some time there, check out where he's living etc.   He's working (still at Chik Fila) but we are helping him with some money for rent too.  He is now working harder on his recovery than when he made the statement about his effort compared to Stacy's.  Per usual, when he gets forgetful (which is quite normal for him : (   ) and gets spotty about taking his medicine (an antidepressant and Abilify), he starts to get down and anxious and negative again....and not working on recovery in the way he needs to. I "think" he finally finally gets how important it is to not skip his medicine, for it makes a huge difference for him.  And with D, he never was against taking it....just didn't get some type of reminder system set up to take it daily....sigh.

So....they're living in a small ranch house in a nice neighborhood , which is fairly close to where they both work. Another blessing is that they both work at places just across the parking lot from each other, which is a huge help for D, because he currently doesn't have a license. It was revoked here in Virginia due to a drug paraphernalia conviction in June.  Stacy drives them both around and I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't with Stacy.   D is supposed to get his license back after Dec. 3rd, IF all of his community service hours are done that he was assigned to do from his court case back in JUNE.  He ONLY was given 25 hours...and here he is, finishing them at Goodwill, down to the wire, in the last week.....ugh.   It drives me completely nuts.....but that's something else I have no control over, obviously.  In comparison to the other past things he's done that bothered me,....well, there's no comparison.  However, IF he didn't complete them....1 yr. in jail !  Wouldn't ya think he'd have done them before now ?   I will say, he had to get all kinds of proof (with a court document w/raised seal) for Goodwill to even let him do the hours there, to prove he wasn't convicted of any type of violent crime...but still...he should have begun the entire process MUCH earlier.

  We had a good time with them....went to dinner a couple of times,...brought D to the store and helped him get some things needed for the house. Who'd think that I'd be at the store with D looking for mixing bowls and a whisk ?  LOL  Obviously, Stacy let him know about the need for that one.  In fact, Stacy has him eating fish and vegetables and wearing shirts with collars....quite a force ,Stacy is.        What also made me smile was seeing D with a drum set to play again. (His own here in Va. was pawned  : (  )    He has drums borrowed from someone else in NA that needed somewhere to store them, so it's really nice that he can play again.  I'd love to see him get into some type of "clean band" there such a thing ?       They go to meetings together every day....and that's been the miracle, NA.  I'm very very thankful that D totally embraces NA and all that it has to offer,'s saving his life.  It's been slow, but he's making some friends,...other guy friends, that he can hang out with, apart from Stacy, so that's very good for him too.   He's planning to begin college at the community college there in January, but hasn't registered we'll see how that goes.  His plan is to do that after finishing his comm. svc.  hours.  Hopefully, he will.

  We've seen some bad days too, ...don't get me wrong. D having urges to use, and crying, and saying that he's scared and doesn't want to go back to that again, but sometimes feels that it's inevitable that he will.   : (          Again, that usually also happens if he's been inconsistent with his medicine.  I'm hoping that those times come fewer and farther between.  Time will tell on all of this, as you all know so well.  I'm aware that this all could change on a dime, for the worse, but surely pray it won't.   He has a great sponsor, and he's been so helpful for D.  I'd hug him if I could. 

    I sure do miss D and wish that he was just away at college like our other 2 older kids were.....even though they were hours away, they'd drive home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and other times and in the summer. But he's 4 states away, and I know that's where he has to be, least for now, and most likely for a long time in the future.  I still have hope that he can someday liver closer to us, but I know that his recovery is what's most important.  With the daughter in Australia, (at least for 3 more years),....the middle son will have to be the only one we see regularly, ..he lives about 10 mi. away,..he's 25. 
     But as you may imagine, after all of the darkness and horrific times addiction has put us all through for years on end....right now, all I can feel is thankful.  So Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  You'll never know how much your blogs and this community of people have meant to me.  Well,...actually, maybe you do, for I know that you have all hung on to each other's support too.  As one of the bloggers just said so well today, no one really does understand all of this and what it's like unless you've gone through it.   Again....THANK YOU all for teaching me so much about how to deal with addiction and for being so caring.

Monday, October 3, 2011

more info.,....more sadness

Since my last post.....I learned the identity of the young man that died in the tragic accident, and he was another one of my former the same class as the one who was fact, they were best friends.  Billy, who was killed instantly, was only 19,...was not wearing his seatbelt,.....but I'm not sure in this case, if that would have mattered.  It's just all so terribly tragic.  Billy was such a great kid...he really was,....always had a smile,...a real laid back, happy personality.   And now, his friend, Chris,...has to live with the fact that his choices took the life of his friend....that will be a heavy load to carry for him, for the rest of his days.  In fact....the country-ish road they were on was so narrow,....and such a turn,..that going around that turn too fast could be the end of you....whether or not any alcohol was involved.   Just one quick ride home.....and all was then different for them and others, from then on.

   I can remember them both in their younger days in my classroom.  I can even remember just where they both sat,....the things they would say, Billy's handwriting, his freckled smile,  Chris's funny quips. There's another young person that's very injured in the not aware yet of who that is.  A fourth person was not badly injured....but I'm sure will forever bear the scars of that terrible night's experience. 

    My heart is hurting,....for Billy, for Chris, their families, and all who love them both.    Don't we all wish that we could really get into the heads of 19 yr. olds and get them to really know how not invincible they truly are ?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

There but for the grace of God.......

I've put myself into a blogger's dilemma,....I've put off blogging so long that now I feel like I can't catch up, regarding what to say.....many things to mention going through my head.  So,...once again, I will put off getting into it all, due to having other things that must be accomplished at the moment, and I'll get back to it later tonight or tomorrow.

      In the meantime, my heart is hurting.  I just learned of a terrible accident on Fri. night, just couple of miles away from where I live.  One young guy, only 19, is dead,...another seriously injured in the hospital, and the driver, in jail charged with DUI and voluntary manslaughter.  The driver is one of my former 4th grade students.  10 years ago, he was a little 9 yr. old in my class, working on understanding fractions, and now he's in jail, on a terrible path, due to making a very very bad choice, with a dead friend, and I'm sure, a very heavy and regretful heart.  I think of his parents,....very nice people, who I'm sure are in such pain.  I think of the dead young man's parents, and the rest of his family and those who  loved him, who are in even more pain.  It just sucks so much.

     My son knows all of those involved very well.  He was a year ahead of them in school.  The one in the hospital is 21, so I'm sure he knows him too....they were probably all coming from a party, was a little after 1 a.m., on a road that I always thought was a terrible road as far as being dangerous.  In fact, long ago, when we were house hunting, there was a very nice neighborhood that we liked but I didn't want my teenagers driving back home at night on that road, which led to that neighborhood....which is why we didn't consider living there.       I'm so sad about those young men,....they're not bad "kids", but the one driving, my former student, had been into drinking and I think drugs too,...for I know that D hung out with him sometimes before he moved away from here.   Which is why I said "there but for the grace of God"....D could have so easily been in that car on Fri. night, if he was here and hadn't made the major changes in his life that he's made.

Most of these young people aren't addicts, but definitely "party" and drink too much on a regular basis,.....and the young guys in that car are the ones that didn't go away to college, but are still in town, either working or going to the community college.  Nothing wrong with that....but a lot wrong with drinking and driving.  I think of all of the very very risky things that D has done,..and it's amazing that C, my former student, is in jail now, facing a felony conviction and prison, for ONE bad mistake, and D's not, for which I'm grateful, of course.  But it's just all so upsetting, especially for the dead one's family, and also for C.  Due to God's GRACE, D never killed anyone, which is the big difference, obviously.  But he certainly could have, for he's driven drunk....once, in a blackout,....and without a license or permission to use the car(mine) either.

   D is still in Florida and now has just recently moved out of the sober living house, after 9 mo.s of living in them, after the initial 3 week rehab..  He actually moved into a  house right across the street from the sober living house he was living in, since this other house came up for rent.  He was looking for places and wasn't finding anywhere he felt was a safe area for him to live in (away from where drugs are being sold) due to his criminal record,...even without a felony. He found that no one wanted to rent to him in a better neighborhood.  Anyway, he's living in this rented house now with 2 other people in recovery, who'd also been living with him in the sober living house.  One is a guy about 40 (maybe even older) who's been clean over a year, and the other is a girl D's age....who is now also his girlfriend.  Sigh.  N seems very nice and is working hard on her recovery too,....but I just am concerned about D's involvement with her, for N has a lot of stuff to work on.  Not surprising, of course.   However, they both are working hard on their recovery right, that's all we can ask for, and what I want for him the stay in his recovery.  This weekend they've both been at an NA camp out all weekend,...warms my heart. 

   D also plans to start comm. college there nearby in January....only 2 courses at first, while he continues to work for Chick Filet.   He's also finally getting back to personal therapy, in November, with someone that I'm hoping can really help him heal from the past. 

Well...that's a lot that I said, without even catching up on the other things.  But, I will get back here and do that too.

    Thank you all for the very kind words and support on the loss of my mother. That's been tough, of course. It was sudden and unexpected, despite her old age (91).  I am still trying to figure out how to believe that she's gone.    I'll be back soon to try to catch up here.  In the meantime, I've been staying up with reading your blogs....and always praying for your loved ones in addiction.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

back....finally.....and needing info. if possible

Hi all,....I've missed you,  although I've been reading your blogs and commenting, I haven't got myself to blog on my own.  First of all,...THANK YOU for your kind words and support on the loss of my mother. It's meant a lot to me.  I'm still amazed daily that it all happened and she's gone.  It was very quick and it seems like a blur.....and somehow, it still is surprising to me, while also sad and feels like it hasn't all settled in completely yet.
     There's a lot to tell about, and I still won't get into it all yet, for I'm currently busy here doing prep. for school/work tomorrow.  Suffice it to say that D is still CLEAN (yaaay) and has actually moved out of the sober living home he's been in since June.  He's been in one or another of them since last January, so it was almost time, ....but he did move out a bit early, since he'd originally planned to do so in November.  More on all of that later,...but he's doing very well,...working, now living in a house right across the street from the sober living home he's been living in, along with 2 other people in recovery.  He's also planning to begin at the nearby junior college in January,...prob. only 2 courses for the first semester, and still will be working where he is now.
      The info. that I'm asking for is if any of you would share a rehab. place that you would highly recommend.  If it's on or near the east coast, that would probably be best....but I don't believe it has to be.  This info. is for D's best friend, who is living right outside of Wash., D.C. currently,...used to live here in VA. where we do, but his dad got a different job and they moved earlier this year.   D's friend, J, has been to one rehab. before, Caron, in PA.,...which is supposed to be a high quality place, but I don't know if the funds are there to go back to Caron again.  I'm hoping that with his dad's new job, his insurance will at least cover part of it....but what are the odds of that ?  Plus....all of these places are just so very expensive.  I figured I had a connection here on  my blog to a world of info. regarding places that you think are good places, as well as those to avoid.    Our own son has been to 4 of these places, and only 1 would I say is not a place I'd recommend, and 1 isn't around anymore, which was the first place,....a wilderness journey place he went to at 16, for 3 1/2 mo.s..    J is 20  yr.s old, a bright guy,...with long standing anxiety problems, as well as some depression...that is motivated and wants to go.  He's also gay and just came out about that about 6 mo.s ago.
     Anyway,...if you have any suggestions...please let me know and I'll pass them on. Meanwhile...I'll be back very soon to catch up on what's happening with us.  Meanwhile, I continue to pray for you and your addicts.  God bless you all.

Monday, September 5, 2011

my mom

We lost my beloved mom last Wed. night.  I did make it to her bedside in time....7 1/2 hr.s before she passed away, and along with my family members....we supported her journey....kissed her, told her how loved she was/is,...leaned on each other, cried and prayed together.  As terrible as it was,...and also so was one of the most moving and LOVING experiences of my life.  However...I /we already miss her so much.  I've already started to go to call her twice since we've been back home this afternoon.  Still not fathoming life without my mom....

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

On my way Mom

I'm on a train from NYC to CT, having flown into La Guardia this morning. Amazingly, despite what the doctors said , my mom is still hanging on. She was given last rites & taken off the respirator, but she still breathes. If she hangs on another 1 1/2, I'll make it to see her again before she passes. I'm praying she's waiting for me

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

terrible week....

This is pretty incredible....but again...not about D....amazingly.  Today, while at work/school, setting up my classroom to begin the school year, I got a call from my older brother in CT. where my mom lives....that my mom was missing, 91 yr. old mom.  Of course, I was quite beside myself, they searched for her, and I waited for another call back.   Finally, after 2 hours,...I got another call, and learned that she was found, in the hospital, in intensive care.  More on the specifics later...but the bottom line is that she was unconscious, had a brain bleed....and she was sedated and on a respirator.  She now (at 10 p.m. at night) was just given last rites, and I'm planning to either drive up there from where I live in Virginia, or fly up tomorrow.  I'm waiting for a phone call to see if she survives the night.  She is not expected to, according to the doctor.  Obviously....this is so so terrible....I can't begin to describe how much so.  I was just there and kissed her good bye at 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning....before I left to drive back to Virginia.  I did not think that it would be the last time I heard her voice, or kissed her cheek.  I am so so so sad....and it all feels surreal.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I just had to post this.

    My mom was found at 6 a.m., this point, I don't know yet who she was found by.  Apparently, she got up out of bed, changed her clothes (wasn't still wearing her pajamas),...and went out for a walk (?)   The doctor said that she must have had a brain bleed that caused her to fall...not the other way around...there was no evidence that she'd hit her mark on her. So, she was taken to the local hospital, then, because of the status of her brain, was transferred to Yale New Haven Hosp..  While they kept looking for her,...driving up and down streets, etc....someone called the local hospital and was told that yes, an elderly woman, a "Jane Doe" was admitted, then transferred to Yale.  The fact that my mom was laying on a street....a "Jane Doe" like a knife in my heart.  I have been tortured today by that image, that thought....and feel so guilty that we hadn't yet changed her situation that someone wasn't with her 24/7.  I'd just said that last week to my daughter...."I don't think that Grandma should be alone at all now....we need to change things so that she's not alone at all"...but I hadn't/we hadn't acted upon that yet.  My mom has been living in a house that's right behind my brother's a guest house, on my brother's property.  She's had someone that comes in every day in the morning,...for about 2 hrs., and then someone later in the day, for the same...and my brother and even his daughters(at times)/my nieces come in during the day, intermittently.   My brother said good night to her at 9:45 last night and then she was gone this morning at 9 a.m..  Why she would have got up and been out walking at 6 a.m. is beyond me....not at all what she normally does. In fact, in recent times...she sleeps 'til 10 a.m. at my house recently when she visited...when I'd wake her up.   It sounds funny,...but the fact that she hadn't made her bed this morning tells me that maybe something was already going on. I swear...she always always gets right up and makes her bed immediately....before a cup of coffee, matter what. 

   I feel like I'm rambling.  I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my head right now. I can't believe this is happening/has happened....and that I'm here in Virginia and all these people (my brother, his wife, my nieces, her caretakers) are all there with her and I'm NOT.  I feel like my heart is breaking.                     I do know that I'm so glad that I just recently went up to CT. to get her and flew her back down here with me...and spent over a week alone with her,...before a lot of other people came here to attend our daughter's engagement party.  Later on, I drove back up to CT. with my daughter and her fiance, so that they could visit with our extended family there...and stayed with my mom at her house and spent time with her again.

   No matter what day or time I'd call my mom....which was frequently...she'd answer and say, "I was just thinking about you."    I just was never ready for this....whether she's 91 or not.   : (

Sunday, August 28, 2011

my sweet girl, Jessie

  wow...I have been sooo remiss on posting...and have soo much to say...but can't get into it all now. Just will say that D is clean and doing well,...yaay.  

   Meanwhile though.....we had to put down the best dog anyone would ever know, today,...our yellow lab, Jessie.  Jessie was the sweetest, most wonderful dog we've ever known....I really can't do her justice here.  This is very awful,...and I guess you won't get it unless you're a dog person. But Jessie is the dog that our kids grew up with....that we picked up at 9 weeks old and the 3 of them argued as to who would hold her in the car on the way home. Our oldest(daughter) won that one....if you knew her,'d know why, LOL.'s amazing how difficult and painful this is, was so hard to have to decide it  (she had cancer) and even worse to go through the actual experience. I really don't think I can remember seeing my husband this heartbroken.  : (        She was., as I said....such an amazing dog.  I feel her in this room with now...and can't believe that she's gone.   I will know it tomorrow morning...for she was the first thing I saw and reacted to when I awoke each day,....since she wanted her morning Milk Bone.  My heart is breaking.  

    Thanks for "listening"   I'll get back to regular posting soon...............

Monday, August 8, 2011

That Smell

 This was written on Sat. night....but interrupted.  The daughter and fiance are here now ! : )

     It's something how one small thing can trigger the memory of painful times.  Our daughter and her fiance are arriving tomorrow, to visit for 2 weeks here at our home...and then another additional week up north with the extended family...(I'm going with them to visit : ) )'s quite a BIG deal around here...being that we haven't seen our daughter for a YEAR (can you feel my emphasis?)..and even more strange...she's engaged to an Australian guy that my husband/her dad has NEVER MET yet !    I did get to know the fiance (Shaun) 2 yr.s ago when I visited them both in San Diego for a week...when S( my husband)couldn't get away from work to go with me...and yes...he's wonderful,...even though they do live in Australia,...but plan to move to the U.S. in a few years, after my daughter is done with graduate school..but I digress.,'s been shape up central here at the homefront....S and I have been busting butt to get everything all looking good,...the house in order,...touch up painting, hanging new name it.   We're having a big engagement party for them here next weekend on the 13th....yes, D is coming here from Fla. to attend and will be here from Fri. to Mon..   So....early this evening.....I went into the bedroom to look into the drawers that they can use for their clothes while staying here (and yeah..that's a whole other thing...them staying here together in the same room, ...but they live really...).  I wanted to make sure they were all cleaned  out,..etc.,...and the dresser that's in the bedroom I just put together (we're empty nesters now...yaay) was from D's old room...and lo and the top drawer in the corner of the drawer...what was it I found ?   A small amount of pot/weed....are we surprised ? still, caught me off guard.  I really had thought that we'd purged every last iota of what D had in this house, not that he really had leftovers.   But don't ever count him out on that ...

 For some crazy reason...I picked up some of it between my fingers and crushed it with my fingernails....and smelled it, to be sure it really was what I thought it much so.  The smell of it struck me so strongly....brought back such memories of painful, terrible times with D...that it gave me an instant and strong feeling of sadness and pain.  It was like an immediate journey backward to bad times and bad feelings. Two things that can instantly do that are often music and smells,...powerful memory triggers.  D's big problem became cocaine....although there were certainly many other side drugs along the way....but weed had always been a constant, and also where he started,...and continued with, and sold....oh man, did he sell it.  : (   That was what was his most common legal problem.  God knows we could never keep ziplock baggies in stock in our house....ugh.     Sooo, as a result, the smell of weed is something that is just like a punch in the stomach for me, strongly...way too many painful associations.  Ironic....considering my fondness for it during the '70s. 

  Anyway....sights, sounds, smells,.....triggers for us, as well as them.  I still am adjusting to not cringing at the sight of police, the sound of sirens , ...and obviously....that smell.  Time will tell...


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Shit on our shoes

 We got a letter in the mail here at our house....or I should say, D got a letter...from the DMV. S(hubby/father) opened it.  It says that D's license has been revoked, for 6 mo.s, since June 7th !  Apparently, it's taken this long for the administrative process of the court to get this to happen...and let D/us know of it.   On June 7th, D was convicted of a misdemeanor charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. If you've read this blog before, you know that it was a huge break for that it was originally a felony charge of possession of a controlled substance(cocaine) and he was very fortunate to have it reduced to what it was, a misdemeanor charge of paraphernalia.  However, from what we can decipher so far...from looking up the law our state (VA.)...there is now a statute (I think that is what is what it is) that then automatically revokes the license of a drug convicted person for 6 mo.s...even if the drug offense had nothing to do with driving or didn't even occur in a vehicle ?   This was pretty surprising to us(and to D), since he's had other prior drug offenses that didn't automatically revoke his license, nor did the judge (or D's attorney) ever mention anything about this the day he was in court and convicted.  We e-mailed the attorney about this, haven't yet heard a reply about it...and of course, notified D right away.

    Surprisingly....D, although not at all happy about this turn of events....stopped driving right away, despite needing to get back and forth from work 5 or 6 days per week, which he does by driving. In fact, after having relapsed in June, and not having driving privileges for 30 days...he's not yet even had his car back yet for 30 days.     Meanwhile....I'm still (at least somewhat)'s he going to work this out until early December ?  How will he be able to keep getting rides from others for that long?...yada yada yada.  I'm not as freaked out about it as I would have been in the past,...I have indeed made some progress in this journey, despite needing to still need so much more of it,..but still...     I was actually somewhat flabbergasted that D wasn't upset, ...incessantly nagging about when would the attorney know or let us know if this is for sure....could anything be done to change it, etc..  But, truly...nothing.  He's waiting, like we are, to just be doubly sure that this is not some glitch that is inaccurate (doubtful),..and is busy doing other daily things in the meantime, without AT ALL obsessing about it, and most of all,...NOT driving, nor whining about not driving.   I couldn't help but say to him..."You seem to be pretty accepting of all of this...not having a hard time with it."  His comment was, "Well, I'm just trying to accept life on life's terms" (AA/NA slogan)  But still....geez,...I was quite amazed.  Is this for real ?  D's reaction to this ?   Is he just lying about that?  Still driving and telling me this ? ????   I know I could find out by calling his house manager...but I've controlled myself and didn't do that.  We have done our best to impress upon him that if he did still drive, and there was (God forbid) an wouldn't cover him with a revoked license and all kinds of other trouble would follow. 

   I told my brother (one of D's most ardent and loving supporters,mind you)about it, and his comment was "Well,...if you walk around in dog shit long enough,...even when you're away from it....a long time later, look down and find out there's still a little shit on your shoe.  It just takes so long to really get it all off."  You'd have to know my brother....but he's quite a wonderful man and usually always has a witty well as the ability to make me smile/laugh in many of life's most troubling situations, thankfully. 

   So,what I'm saying here is that yes,...D still has some shit on his shoe,...despite his current efforts to not walk in shit anymore.  And apparently....I do too,...for mine is the reaction to his that it's hard to believe and fathom his reaction, as well as my mind wondering how he'll navigate all of this new challenge and keep his job, etc..    Is this making sense ?   Time will tell....

Monday, August 1, 2011

Feeling the Feelings

 I have been a bit out of the blogger loop due to traveling to go and meet and travel with my 91 yr. old mom to bring her back here to visit with us at our home in a different state. That was a bit of an adventure since our flight was cancelled in NY and we had to stay overnight and fly out the next day. 

 In the meantime, D was in touch with me and told me what was happening back in his world at his sober living home.  He's been quite troubled about his former housemate, Mark, relapsing, and actually felt "betrayed" by it,....and not even from Mark stealing his money. about taking things personally.   It was a bit of a surprise for me to see D taking it that way.  It just struck me how D was now in the seat that we have been when he'd relapsed. Of course, I told D to think about how much this was Mark's disease and it had no real concern or connection to him personally. Unfortunately(and that's not a strong enough word for what I mean)....Mark did go through the detox where he checked himself into....after having attempted suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol after he'd relapsed : ( ...but what I mean about "unfortunately" was that he then left there and is now out on the streets doing crack again...from what D knows.....which is why D's feeling so bad about's so horrible.  

  D texted me last night after midnight....asking if I was awake.......well, then I was.  (I know...why the hell do I STILL have my cell phone in my bedroom...the boy is states away from us?  He said he was having an "anxiety attack"...and wasn't doing well.  There's a whole other issue now...for he's very attracted to/fallen for a girl that's also living at his house...who's become his best friend there. (this is why D doesn't necessarily need to be in a co-ed house). He always ends up finding some girlfriend wherever he goes.   Anyway...of course, they are not allowed to have a romantic relationship there....and he does respect that..knows and agrees that can't happen...but that's what is also giving him angst. So, between his sadness about Mark and his emotional frustration/upset about the set him off into this whole anxious feeling.  What struck me was what he said to me about his feelings. He said, " I just am having all these feelings and feeling anxious and you know...I'm not used to doing this without drugs."  He went on to say, "Don't get me wrong,...I don't want to get high (can we say HALLELUJAH?!), .."I just want these feelings to go away".

 I thought well...isn't that the real crux of the issue for every addict ?  They really aren't usually willing to just FEEL these shitty feelings...whatever they may be,...without obliterating or numbing them with a drug ?  And ya know...the rest of us have those upsetting feelings for whatever reason during life's ups and downs and we just feel them and live through them and bear it.  But I'm also convinced that our addicts, that we love...just have always felt those shit feelings (and other ones too) more intensely than the rest of us do......therefore, aren't willing to tolerate them, once they've experienced the "wonderful numbness" of what drugs do for them. And you know that it's not actually wonderful, of course,....not in the end result, anyway. 

 He called this morning and was feeling a lot that point anyway.  Haven't heard from him later on today. I did see a facebook post that he said " falling to pieces" ...sigh.  But, tomorrow's another day....and he's going to have to learn to deal with the feelings without we all do each day.    One day at a time. ......

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

20 years ago today

It was 20 years ago, not when Sargent Pepper taught the band to play,..but when I gave birth to a baby boy....a very beautiful baby.  He was planned for, prayed for,..a much wanted little blessing. He was delivered by cesarean,...even though his older siblings had been born the natural way. D had turned in the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy, and was breech, butt first...couldn't be delivered that way. In fact, we'd tried what's called a "version",..where the doctors tried to turn him around, while still within me (I wouldn't recommend this to anyone) but he'd just turn right around again...his way, or no way...not surprising once we got to know him. Although he slept through the night from 12 days old (amazing !), he made up for it with colic...screaming his little head off every evening, from about 4 to 10:30 p.m., unless I jogged around the family room with him continuously. He did that from about 1 mo. old, 'til 4 1/2 mo.s.  He had his ideas about everything he wanted and was not to be swayed on many things he wanted.  If we tried to go away, out of town, to visit Grandma or another could forget him sleeping,..he HAD to have his own crib.  He was an adorable little toddler, but always had his own ideas of how things should be, must be.  Later on,..he turned that all into a good thing...he was our little "rule follower"...yes..truly. He had to do things a certain way. In fact, he was the one who we had to work on letting know that it was OK to sometimes vary what we usually did....we didn't always have to do everything the same way each time....that he could be flexible,...that routines could actually also be flexible.

  He went to school and did everything he was supposed to do,...academically did very well, as well as behaviorally. Accolades all around. This continued on and on,....until he met up with DRUGS.  This sweet, empathetic, loving boy was first, subtly, but then dramatically,...until he became someone that we didn't recognize, nor could fathom. Pain and drama and episodes with police followed for years....repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly....despite our very best and persistent efforts.  We and others who loved him were dumbfounded.  

   After years....we now understand a lot more of those painful times, and what led up to them.  But I still don't think we'll ever totally fathom it all.  We are now grateful to be starting to get our son back.  We pray that he can continue to be all that he was always meant to be. 

   I, for more than thankful to close the chapter on those teenage years for D.  So, Happy Birthday D......may your 20s be a new beginning and a return to who you really are and can be in all that's positive in life. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Nature of the Beast

 I was awakened this morning by the beep of a text coming into my cell phone...which was on my nightstand. I don't normally do that anymore(have my cell in the bedroom when I sleep),..but old habits die hard I guess.  Yes, it was D...with a text.."are you awake?"  Well, I am now,...I knew something must be up, but I didn't have that old start of the heart feeling that I always used to have...yay me.   Anyway...I texted him back that I was awake and he called me. 

Last night, the guy that is part owner of the business of his sober living house, Mark, (remember me crowing about how great he's been to D ?..just recently), relapsed on crack (ugh!), and apparently, did so with $180 of D's money.  Since D had relapsed in June, he's been turning over his paycheck (once cashed) and the $ has been held in a lock box in the house, and D can only get small amounts out at a time, with consistent explanation of what it's being used for. Only Mark, or the actual house manager, Mike, have access to the lock box.    In fact, just a few days ago,.. D called us and asked if he could take all of the money he's saving and put it into his bank account (yes, he does still have one..hardly anything in it), and from there, if we could transfer most of it into our account, which is linked to it and we can access online. We were going to get that done today.  He said the money was building up(imagine that)  in cash in the house and that MARK suggested he get it out of the house and into the bank. ( Seems to me that Mark knew it was tempting him ?) During that conversation, D said that he'd feel better if we did that anyway,...because he was becoming concerned/suspicious that Mark may be using again. takes one to know one, right ? I asked why and he said that Mark was behaving a bit differently...isolating, etc.. We can all relate to watching those subtle signals, can't we ?     Anyway, he told his suspicions to Mike, who had also become concerned and then an hour after D had been into and out of the lock box with Mike and counted his money in front of Mike....Mark had gone into the box. As soon as he left the house, Mike and D counted it again,..and bingo,...D's money was missing.  : (   So, Mike called Mark...repeatedly, no answer. Then, he called Trish,(who lives in a different house) who is the main owner of their business and told her...who called Mark and got him to answer. Mark was told to not come back to the house....he told Trish that he was going to go and check himself into some place...don't know where.   Then, early this morning, Mark shows up and D heard him come in...and asked him why he was there. He acted like nothing was wrong, if D didn't know. So, D had to go and wake up Mike, who did get Mark to leave,...fortunately. D told me he was pretty nervous in talking to Mark at first....for he knew enough not to want to argue with a guy who may be high on crack, and is about 6 ft. 5 in. at that !   Sigh , sigh, sigh.....I am sad.    As I'd said with a previous post,...Mark did SO SO much to help D stay clean,...more than you'd expect he even would,..using his own time and at times his own money, so that D wouldn't be isolated,...would be able to do some things for fun, ..go out for pizza or a movie.  He drove D back and forth to work each day for 30 days, brought him to his dr.'s appt.s, to get his prescriptions filled,...called me to double check on D's  medicine and let me know how D was doing.  And of course,..none of that was was a beautiful example of an addict helping another addict.  He talked to me on the phone, telling me how he was trying to make sure D knew what his disease would do to him if D didn't fully work on his recovery, actively, every day. He stressed to D that he would indeed be homeless, without support of even his family, if he didn't give his all to his recovery.....and now's Mark that's homeless,...once again.  Apparently, he's been so before, and for extended periods of time.   I just am so sad about him...although I've never even met him. all are probably thinking what hit me pretty readily about this happening.  Well D, you know what it feels like to have someone steal from you to get drugs....not fun, is it ?  I hadn't said anything yet about that, and D said..."I am not happy he did this,obviously, and hate what he's doing to himself,...but I really can't be angry at him,...after how many times I've done the same thing....mainly to you and dad."  That's for sure !  Try going through this for YEARS.  It still hurts,...although I really try to release it...holding onto resentment isn't good for any of us...and I do see it as a symptom of his disease. I don't excuse his behavior of stealing...but his disease does certainly help explain it.   I'll even admit....I'm surely not glad that this happened...especially for Mark himself,..but there was a small part of me that took pleasure (and felt bad about doing so) that D was experiencing how it felt to be stolen from.  As I said...I'm not proud of feeling that,..but I am human,...not Jesus.  

   So, as much as Mark "seemed" to be doing the right things....his demon of addiction was lying in wait within him.  : (    I asked D why he thought this happened,...and he said, "As soon as he started having those thoughts....he didn't tell someone,...he kept it to himself,..but he needed to tell someone/ie. his sponsor and reach out."     I just hope that D uses this (and others living in his house as well) to cement in his brain that he must be vigilant and remain proactive about his recovery. 

    Praying for Mark, D and your addicts as well.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Fighting the Demon

Although I've been keeping up on reading others' blogs,...for some reason, I've let mine lapse for awhile.  Currently, D is clean (over 30 days now) since his relapse in June, and living in the sober living home he moved into after being kicked out of the last one when he relapsed.  Fortunately, where he is now is just a much better place overall, as bad as it is that he relapsed, the fact that it also resulted in him moving into where he is now is a good thing.   Since he relapsed and was homeless that one weekend from Thurs. night to Monday, he was then on restriction, and couldn't go anywhere without someone from the house with him, and wasn't able to drive his own car anymore either, not even to work. He was driven back and forth from work daily by the very devoted house manager, Mark. Mark has been quite an amazing blessing to D, and has spent much more time and effort to support D's recovery than would be typical of a sober living house manager.  D agreed to all of it, despite his not liking the restrictions or not having his car to use.  Additionally, he gives his paycheck to the house manager (with the stub) and gets any money he needs in small amounts only, ...showing what he's using it on.   In fact, the woman who runs the business but doesn't live in the house, even called check in and touch base with us on how D was doing.  I was pretty amazed at that too.  She gave me the house manager's phone number and said we could call him if we'd like to.  I did, and had a good conversation with him....really can't thank him enough for all that he's been doing for D.    He told me (that was a month ago now) that they were leading D by the hand, one day at a help keep him clean, at that point.   He also said a lot of nice things about D that were very encouraging to hear, D had a lot more maturity and willingness to get it and be in recovery than he's seen in most young guys his age (19, almost 20), D is such a great kid, and obviously really wants recovery, despite his recent relapse at that point,...that he's got a good attitude, is usually easy to get along with, etc..  The one thing he said that was most encouraging was that he has a lot of hope for D....that he really sees him continuing on in his recovery and being o.k.,....and how he really often doesn't see that this young for  many of the guys he works with.  

   Meanwhile, D continues to work and go to meetings each night, and even has had a bunch of fun times with some people he knows in recovery there and a new friend ( a girl) he works with,....just a friend, which is good.  I love hearing about him being able to do some social things with other young people where he has some fun, for I know that whole social thing is important for him, especially at his age.  He's gone to a picnic, out to a restaurant to watch the world cup, to see a movie, etc..  I think it's s great for him to keep experiencing these fun times where he enjoys himself in a social setting where no one is drinking or getting high, especially with other people around his age. He isn't doing those things that much, but it seems it's enough to keep  him motivated.  

   Just the night before last, he did have a tough time again, with cravings...and it hasn't been the first time that it's happened, since his relapse. No surprise there.  He now (just since last Saturday) has his car back, and was driving a couple of guys from his house to a meeting. One was a brand new guy who started to talk about cocaine, and also say...."Let's just ditch this meeting and go find something fun to do."  He said that the guy wasn't saying to go and get high,...just not go to the meeting.  They did however, go to the meeting.  That was enough though,...that thread of conversation in the car, to start the whole using/craving thought process in D's head...and it really really bothered him, throughout the meeting and  continued afterward that night.  In fact, he said that at the end of the meeting, when they ask if anyone has a burning desire...he spoke and said yes, he had a burning desire (need to speak) and that it was to say that he really felt like getting high.  : (     That prompted a number of people to come over and talk to him personally at the end of the meeting, offering support, etc..  Afterward, he had the guy with the cocaine talk ride back to their house in someone else's car and called his sponsor and then went out to McDonald's with a couple of people he's friendly with in recovery, which also helped him feel better, he said.    So, ....what a difference....he still was having the thoughts/urges....but this time, was reacting by DOING THE RIGHT THING.....trying to get away from what was prompting him, ...and most importantly, calling his sponsor immediately.

His sponsor now....that's a whole other story....this guy is another Godsend....what a wonderful blessing for D he is.  D has been working on steps with him and he said when he did the first step with him, it was the most intense first step experience he's ever had, ...he cried, laughed, name it. But I digress.

   Then, last night he calls us,...spoke with his dad, and asked if we'd be willing to help him change his phone number on his cell phone.  Yes,...we currently pay his cell phone w/ Verizon. He said that because of his relapse in Florida, there's now a coke dealer there who has his number...and another guy also, who was the one that helped him find the coke dealer and used with him.  He said that guy is now supposedly clean, but that he really doesn't know if he can trust that anyway, nor whether or not he'll stay clean in the future, so he doesn't want him to have his number anymore. He was someone who D originally met in his former sober living home.....and is now working on his recovery again, and is asking D if he may want to be roommates with him in an apartment in the future, after D is no longer in the sober living house where he now lives.  D said that he just doesn't want him having his number well as for sure not wanting the coke dealer to text him about having some "great stuff"....prompting a craving.  

    The main thing I'm seeing is D thinking of different situations and worrying.....HIM initiating trying to avoid those things,...being proactive in trying to not be in any contact with whatever could prompt him to use again....not me or his dad or his sponsor saying those things, but HIM, big and important difference.  In fact, he said that after the cocaine talk the other night on the way to the meeting....he felt scared and awfully anxious and reaction to having the cravings thoughts.  When he told me that, I thought,...."Good, that makes me feel sick too."    He did finally start taking the Naltrexone....takes a daily pill, and said at first that he thought it was helping him not to have as many cravings....but he wasn't sure. I guess that is a very hard thing to know,....unless he goes off it and starts having more...or goes off it and it's the same. Fortunately, he hasn't had any side effects at all since starting to take it.  Anyway, if it can help him at all, I figure....try it and use it for awhile, at least,...especially with no other side effects and that it is covered by insurance.

     That's all that's happening currently.   Sometimes it's discouraging to think how hard he has to fight this daily....but that type of thought is fleeting to me.  For I am much more focused on how grateful I am for how hard he is fighting and that he's currently clean....and YES, of any legal charges now.  That is also a recent happening (since June 7th) that I am in awe of, after so much time (years) of dealing with that.  One day at a time....and on this day, I am GRATEFUL.       Still praying for yours and you as I pray for mine.  

Monday, June 27, 2011

here's the link

thank God for restrictions

This is incredible,.....D called me today....saying, that something happened,...he couldn't believe it.   One of the guys from his former sober living know, the one he was recently kicked out of,...had killed his girlfriend this past weekend !  The guy had moved out of that house a little while ago to live with his girlfriend.  The other thing is....prior to killing her, ...just hours prior,...the guy (Ben) was kicked out of his girlfriend's house, and when that happened, he called D for a ride.  Since D had recently relapsed and is on the heaviest of restriction now, D told him that he couldn't help him out.  D did ask him what happened....why was he kicked out?  He told D that he had gotten high and that was why.  D said that Ben was high when he was talking on the phone with D, and that
Ben was a crack addict, so must have been high on crack on the time. D tells me that he probably wouldn't have given him a ride anyway....but who knows.

 I am at a loss for words at the tragedy 

    Apparently, Ben went back to his girlfriend's house and then beat her with a 2 x 4, while she slept, and then strangled her.   I am at a loss for words's all so horrific.  I think of the poor girlfriend..,her family....Ben's family....Ben himself. I wonder....what is his background ? Was he abused ?What was it that drove his addiction, besides his biology ?   Could one of our kids have become Ben  ?    

    And of course, as D's mom.....what if he hadn't recently relapsed  and still had his car ?    Would he have unknowingly gone to give Ben a ride ? D gave Ben rides all the time while they both lived at the other sober living house.  Could Ben have killed D while high on crack if D said the wrong thing ?   Could D have been involved and then charged as helping Ben with getting away from the murder ?  My mind pictured all of those things today.      There but for the grace of God goes D.....      I'm just amazed at all of's all so very very sad.....

      This is a perfect (however tragic) example of the horrors of addiction......

Monday, June 20, 2011

house meeting

D went to his house meeting tonight,....the house where he had been living before he was kicked out on Thurs. night.  After discussion and new requirements (more stringent than before) he was allowed to move back in.  He (and we) were it begins again.  He did sleep at his sponsor's house last night, so he wasn't still in his car.  The sponsor wouldn't let him do so on Fri. or Sat. night, but did so last night, which was a relief for D.   I think he's really become appreciative of A/C, wonder. 

    Yesterday, he called and was hanging out in a hospital parking garage.....felt it was a safer place to hang out in his car, vs. other parking lots, and was also cooler in temperature.  I said,..."well, that's true,...that makes sense."  His reply was, "Well Mom, I'm not stupid."     No, D was never stupid,...not at all.  He was the one as a freshman in h.s. with a 3.7 GPA,....UNTIL he got involved with drugs.     I guess it's been so long since I've seen him doing anything sensible,...that it's hard to remember that. 

    And, so ....he is given yet another chance to be clean and build a good life.  Time will tell......

Saturday, June 18, 2011

a place to sleep, one day at a time

 From what I can tell, D rallied enough to go to work today, even though he still felt sick. He called here this morning, when it was only 8:30 there, at what's 1/2 hr. into his shift. He was still feeling awful, nauseous. He was on his break, which they often have early on, since it's not yet busy then.  

He was upset again and talked about how he didn't know what he'd do he was scared last night. He'd slept in the Walmart parking lot, and how hot he'd been, and how he couldn't close up all the car windows to be safe, since it was so hot.  He did ask if we could help him out tonight (think $ for motel room),...and I said no,...and we agreed to text or talk later on. 

From how he sounded, I didn't know if he'd make it through the day at work,...feeling as sick as he was.  In fact, him being so sick made me wonder if he had been doing something else instead of coke,...not that coke was anything remotely o.k..   He kept saying that he didn't want to at all do anything negative anymore....that he regretted so much what he'd done, that he really does want recovery, which is why he wants to go back to the sober living house as soon as they let him on Monday.

   So....he did call today after work, and was feeling much better physically.  He really still thought that it had been from being in the heat from Thurs. night 'til Sat. morning...who knows.   Meanwhile, he was calling me from the mall there. Since it had A/C, it was much better than sitting around in his car.  And, apparently, he was able to plug in his cell phone in some outlet he'd found in the mall....swell. I told S,....D's currently a vagrant...ugh.    

        The bright side for him was that a girl he works with had told him he could sleep on her couch tonight, he was quite relieved about that.  Don't know what he'll do all day tomorrow (no work) or tomorrow night.  But, at least he knows that we won't pay for him to stay somewhere. I told him about the Salvation Army lodge and that there were other shelters too, but didn't give him any phone numbers or specifics. 

    So that's the latest here. When he was a little boy, I sure never thought that I'd be referring him to homeless shelters, but this isn't the first time that I've done it either. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

relapse/ homeless for the weekend

  O.k.,'s the latest,..and I need to get it out, and have you all tell me what I know you will.    I've had a very busy week...last week of work/school, and haven't had much time to post. But, D has been doing so well, or so it seemed, and it all has seemed so encouraging.  His new house manager has been driving him back and forth to work as well as any other place he's gone,..mainly meetings, or anywhere they and other house residents went to do whatever.  I've heard from  him frequently, and although he was struggling at first, he kept sounding better and better.  He got the prescription for the Naltrexone and he was going to fill it today, when he had the day off from work.  I'd thought (and even suggested) he fill it sooner,...but whatever, he hadn't yet.
    Early this evening, I was at our end of the year faculty party, having a great time....and my cell phone rang.  It was D, ...sounded horrible, almost crying...said he had bad news...he'd used again.  WTF.  He was also kicked out of his sober living house...the new one, when it was discovered last night, at 3 a.m., that he was gone.  He'd gone out in the middle of the night to a drug dealer's place.  Guess the house manager doesn't have his car key?  Didn't even ask about that detail.   He was at a Walmart parking lot, had nowhere to go, was hotter than hell, is southern FLA., and yes, quite brutal heat right now.  Apparently, he'd been driving around or just sitting in the car all day, other than going to a meeting in the middle of the day. 

   He said that he'd not called or texted me earlier, because he didn't want to ask for help, but didn't know what to do, where to go, etc..  He said he had about $7, that the house manager had the rest of the $ from his paycheck and they wouldn't give it to him, nor give him his medicine either...they had that at the house.  They'd told him he could come back into the house on Mon., but not until then.  He started to cry, said he didn't know what he would do, that he was so hot, that he'd thrown up earlier from the heat...or thought that must be why.   He said all of the regretful things that we're all used to them saying. I know that he meant it, ..but , know what I mean.  I didn't want to hear it at that point, even if I thought he did mean it.   I told him I was at the party, call his father,...I'd talk to him later once I'd left the party.  I did call him was more of the same conversation.

    Bottom line, he texted me back again, after our 2nd conversation on my way from the party.  He said that he was so hot, that he needed a shower so bad....could we just give him $40 to try to find somewhere to stay for tonight ?  I'd already suggested he try to find a public shelter that would take him and to call his sponsor.  He said that he'd already talked to him, and that the sponsor told him that he probably couldn't be let into a shelter since he had a car....that there were many other people in much more need than him so that they wouldn't take him.  His sponsor told him that maybe he was right where he needed to be right now.

   S (my husband) and I talked and decided that we wouldn't help him,....that he was going to have to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot in the heat, for the weekend.  He's supposed to work tomorrow, so I am hoping he'll go, and at least have AC and be able to get something to eat there too.  I have no idea if he has work clothes with him or what that situation is.  I also know he doesn't have a car charger for his phone, so don't know if his cell phone charge will run out and then he won't even be able to tell us where he is or if he's o.k..

   I am now sitting out on our deck on a balmy and beautiful summer night, typing this ....picturing D in a crappy car in the heat....with nowhere to go,...and not doing well mentally...meaning depressed.  Mind you, my husband is a 26 yr. Marine, and references what all our young guys are feeling for heat in Afghanistan right now,...telling me that D will be o.k..  S also understands addiction and what's needed for recovery very well, and is hoping that this weekend will make a difference for D,...that we finally will not help him in this "time of need" that he's created.  

    I say "homeless for the weekend" because his sober living home has already told him that he can move back in on Monday.  But, I'm sick,....just sick, sitting here, picturing him there.  S is here with me, also playing some music, and seems to be able to cope with this so much better than me.  Don't get me wrong, he loves our son as much as I do, but I'm just wired in a way that this is still so so so  hard for me.

     I'm just so tired of this....and I know you all understand.   Obviously, he still had the drug dealer's number in his phone contacts.  What does that tell you ?  Sometimes I feel so dumb for thinking that he's getting better.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Going forward ....again

 Well, no drama to report since the last post....isn't that nice ?  Since D got back to FLA. again, things seem to be going well. Of course, my info. is all obtained via D, so it's not like I necessarily know for sure, given the source and how recently he'd lied to us. But, then again, I've become quite skilled at having a feel for things with him, after a multiple years training program.  

  D is doing well and sounds very happy in the new sober living house, which just so happens, is much closer to where he works....good thing...less gas $.  He knew the people (at least most of them) in that house already, since he's been in the area since last Dec. and going to meetings since Jan..  He is quite connected with people in the area in recovery, so already knew the house manager before he moved in there, which is how he got a spot right away on last Sun. night. One big difference in the new house is that it's not just males, like his old house.....that gave me pause.  I just hate to see him get involved with a girl in early recovery.  And, even though it's less than a week, he's already talking about some girl that lives in his house who's like his "best friend",...and also happens to be "so hot".  Sigh.  He never did have problems getting a girlfriend,...just hope he focuses more on working on his recovery....and wouldn't it be great if sometime he could have a non addict girlfriend ?   He actually used to have those,...back when he was still living home....but they'd never last because he could never quit using. 

   He just sounds very very happy,...but that makes me feel a bit of concern though, although not as much as when he's depressed and miserable,..not even close.  My concern is that whole pink cloud thing,....who was it just discussing this on a blog ?  I mean, geez....he was just miserable and sobbing on the phone on Sun. night.....that's him though, so zero to 60.  I do know that when he is really working on his recovery, he's so happy about it,...that's been consistent every time. He did say he'd also been struggling too, but is getting through it each day. I know he's having a lot of support in that effort by the house manager helping him, as well, of course, by his sponsor. 

   He is going to start on the Naltrexone, so I'm very interested to see how that will go....if he feels a difference, etc..  I did hear that it can cause fatigue, but now that he does take medication for ADHD again (Vyvanse), which is a stimulant, that should help with fatigue.  He'd forgotten (I hadn't) how much the Vyvanse helped him. When he started taking it again, he texted me and said..."oh my God, the Vyvanse is's so much easier for me to be at work,..amazing".   Ever since he was little and first took medication for ADHD, I used to think he should be on a commercial for helps him so very very much.  He's sensitive to a substance.....geez,...ya think ?  So, that can work in both ways....for the negative (as we all know so well), but also positively, when he takes a legitimate medication to help make his brain work in the correct way.       I see that as a teacher so much....with ADD/ADHD.  I look at the kids who are so affected by it...whose parents won't give them medication that could help them, ...and as a result, they continue to struggle and feel bad about themselves.  And I many of them will become addicts ?  Meanwhile, if they had asthma or something else, their parents would give them medication for that in a heartbeat....even something new that just came on the market,...compared with something that's been used for such a long time as the medications used to treat ADHD.  O.K., my soapbox here on that, but the media has put out so much misleading info. to the public on ADHD that it really saddens me.  We have a long way to go until it's understood without the misconceptions that are so common. 

     So, for now....for today, I'm feeling a sense of relief, and hope it's not short lived, because we really could use it, after these years.  Of course, of course....I don't think that it's not going to continue to be a significant struggle for D.  I'm just enjoying today...and hopefully, the weekend.  I'm just LOVING that he doesn't have ANY court date looming in the future right now. WOW. There have only been 3 mo.s since June 2008 that he didn't have court dates coming up and those 3 yr.s of that weighing on us (at least for me) was always a worry. His active using (ugh, and dealing), and the chaos and pain related to that was even worse though.     It feels weird to know that he doesn't have court coming.  He does have to get the comm. svc. hours (only 25) done , and mail the documentation to prove it up to the court here though.   I'm going to try to not mention it to him and see if he'll mention it to me.  I know this is pathetic, but it won't be easy for me to not ask him about that. 

   I hope that we all can have some peace this least for a couple of days.  For those of you whose addict children are surely using, or  you don't know where they are, that peace is so much more elusive. I know it so well.  I keep all of our children in my prayers for lasting recovery. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Lucky Again

Well,....D really did luck out again went very well in court, all things considered. He was facing a felony charge of possession of cocaine, although it was all based upon circumstantial evidence. He was never found with it on him or in him, nor was at the scene when police arrived to find his friend in possession of it. Additionally, the one witness the prosecution was hoping to have (a hotel clerk) couldn't be located. However, though it was an arguable case, and could possibly have been was way too risky to do, according to D's attorney. Once we heard of the possible sentence...if convicted, from 0 to 10 years in prison!,..we all agreed.  That particular judge also, according to D's attorney, doesn't usually do criminal law(then how come he has this case today?),...there was no way to know what the judge would decide.        

So....the prosecutor and D's attorney made a deal, as is often how it goes, prior to entering the courtrooom,...and D took it. D plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of poss. of drug paraphernalia, and was therefore was convicted of it.   Obviously, that was much much better than the previous charge,..and a very good outcome, considering what the possibilities were.   We waited outside the courtroom for over 3 hr.s.  At least I graded papers for school the whole time....D paced and sat,...S(my husband) sat and also read a magazine a bit.  We've done this drill before, sadly enough...which is why I had the schoolwork with me,...I knew it could be a long time 'til we got in there. 

  Even though I knew what would happen (which was actually good) once we got in that courtroom, once D went up before the bench w/his attorney, before the judge...while standing there in his jacket and tie, looking all good and got to me, once again. I had to get out the Kleenex, just brought tears to my eyes,..and as you all know, as they say, "this isn't our first rodeo". Nah...not even close. I've been to that damn courthouse more times than I want to count or remember.  I really don't plan to go with D again,...I really don't.   It still just hit me...with him standing there....years ago, ...who'd have ever thought that he'd have ended up arrested so much, going in front of a judge repeatedly ????    I KNOW we all have been through this...looking at our kids, wondering what the hell went so wrong, even if we actually know what it all was.  And of course, it's not just one thing, but the perfect shit storm of factors.  Even still, wow...this much pain isn't what we still would have expected.
   Anyway, I got off my original theme here of D's outcome today being a good one....for it was.  He was very thrilled and relieved and knew just how much of a break he'd received.  His resulting penalty was only 25 hr.s of comm. svc. (can be done in FLA.), 1 yr. suspended sentence w/ 2 yr.s good behavior. Could D actually behave well for 2 whole years??  AND, no fine (yaay) with only court costs due by 6 mo.s from now.

     The 3 of us went out to lunch together, and it was nice.  A rare moment, especially these days.   Then I went with D to T.J Maxx and he got some shorts...he was thrilled, and he always did love a bargain. I know people do, but I never find anything in there for myself, unfortunately. 

  Tonight, early evening, I drove D back to the airport and he flew out, back to FLA.. In fact, he should be landing in about an hour. He's in the new sober living house, and the house manager says that he plans to even drive to and from work with D every day....since, as you's only been 5 days since he's used.  : (   And that's IF I have the facts right...who the hell knows...not me. 
   I am still grateful for what happened in court today,...for I know that D getting a felony and going to jail couldn't do anything good for him vs. what he's attempting to do in sober living, working etc..  At least, I don't think it could.  At the same time, I know that the demon of addiction lives within him, and I'm so unsure of what will happen to him in the near or distant future.  

   And that's what we all have to live with ...and get so used to...the uncertainty of it all for their (and our) future.   Acceptance of the unknown or possible future pain is what it is.   Acceptance is always the it is. 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

found a place to live !

 well...for someone who's procrastinated on blogging...this is now my 3rd blog post today. I guess I have to get it out.  While S and I sat here, wondering what would happen next, picturing D driving around with his car packed with his clothes, ...the phone rang.  It was a woman in FLA., saying that she'd just spoken with D, and had a space for him in her recovery home not far from where he'd just been kicked out of. She said that she already knew much he was active in NA around there...that he'd come to her 15 yr. anniversary recently. She told me what a great kid he was, such a really nice guy..and that's when I started to cry.  She told me..."he really really wants recovery, I know that",...more crying on my part.  Apparently, a friend of D's lives in her house (she's the house manager) and said that D had just called him, asking if he knew if there was any space at their house, that he was sobbing on the phone. Well, praise God, she had space and he was going to stay there tonight,...and hopefully, from now forward.    D was not with her at the moment,..he'd gone to a meeting with the other friend.    For the moment, I feel some relief.    I don't know why he (or any of our kids) had to have this f'ing curse of's such a demon. 
    Hopefully, he'll make his 7 a.m. flight, and we'll see him tomorrow afternoon.  This time, I'm locking my purse in the trunk of my car and putting my keys under my pillow.    This is all for one's certainly more than enough. 

relapse again.....he's out

I can't believe this...although I can.  D just called, ...he's just got kicked out of the sober living house that he's been living in since Jan..   He relapsed again this past Thurs. when he got paid, apparently, lied about how much he got paid when he handed over his paycheck $ to the house manager. He was just drug tested tonight and flunked the test, obviously. 

He was sobbing on the phone...saying what a failure he is,...that he doesn't want to live like this,..that he just wants to be happy and not feel like killing himself each day, which is what he says he does feel like. He said that he doesn't want to lie to anyone...doesn't want to keep doing this...that he did well for so long, why is it all this way again...will it ever stop ?

  He was packing his things...calling his old sponsor to see if he could stay there tonight. Meanwhile, he has a 7 a.m. flight up here tomorrow for court, and is supposed to go right back to FLA. (IF it goes well in court) on Tues. evening.   Go back to where now ??   He still has his job, but no place to live, unless he can figure that out in about 48 hr.s..

   I am sick.  I am so sad.  I am very frustrated with him, but at the same time, my heart hurts for him.  Do you understand that ?  I know that he's mentally suffering.  We are too.   I don't know what will happen now.  We've had hope for months and here he's almost in court where it actually might go o.k..  But what then ?    I don't know how to not care about my son who is so depressed and wants to stop this but can't sustain stopping it.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN MY BACK ON THAT.    I don't even know where he's going right now,..other than picturing him loading up all his clothes etc. in that shitty car, with his half tank of gas and no other money.  That car is so crappy that he doesn't even have the lighter thing where you can charge your cell maybe the charge will run out.  I am just freaking out right now.  My husband is so disgusted...he left to walk the's like he can't even talk. 

off to the cop's house

I have become quite the blogging procrastinator,....not really due to anything about D, but more because I've been overwhelmed with school work , tasks of life, etc..   Since I last posted, we did call and speak with the house manager where D lives in the sober living place in FLA., and according to him, everything D has told me is true.  Hooray for that one.   He remains on the lower level of freedom, appropriately so, and isn't bitching about that, so that's good. 
   At first, when he got back there, from what we could tell via phone calls, plus talking to the house manager, D seemed to be continuing to fight depression and was really feeling tired and down in the dumps and very regretful and somewhat overwhelmed by all that he'd done.  I also think (in my personal opinion and from experience w/him) that until a lot of that crap got out of his system all the way....he was going to continue to feel depressed and tired.     Finally, yesterday, when I spoke with him....and no, I really don't speak to him daily, but probably text with him almost daily.....he sounded really good, pretty upbeat and motivated, with energy.

  D even did reschedule his dr.s appt., which an almost 20 yr. old should be doing, of course, but you know what I mean. Such things before were not what he seemed to be able to get done, no matter what amount of time available he had. He's continuing to work 5 or usually 6 days per week at Chik Filet and it's 8 to 4, so that is a great schedule for him, allowing him to go to meetings at night.

   Once he went to the dr.(psychiatrist) , he even initiated asking him about a referral to a different therapist, for he says that he knows that he still has so much work to do to get to the root of what has been painful for him and is ready to do it.  He's told me that the therapist he's been seeing only does EMDR with him (although that's been good) but doesn't really get into any root things, real work on childhood hurts, the past, etc..  Amazingly, after ALL of the therapists he's seen and all of the treatment he's been through, he's not really gotten into any type of deep work like that too much. He has some, but not consistently and he knows it's necessary.     Additionally, he was given a presciption for Naltrexone that he hasn't filled yet.  I've been researching it, and haven't found anything but positive information on it.  If anyone reading this has any experience with using it for addiction, I'd welcome your feedback and love to know how it's worked (or not ) for your situation. 

    Meanwhile, in relation to the title of this husband and I are about to go next door to a cook out at the home of our neighbors....they've lived next door now for about 9 mo.s.   Just so happens that the husband is a police sargeant....they got the house on a short sale when our former neighbors got divorced.  (don't even get me started about how much that's happening around many people losing their former equity : ( , plus it doesn't help the property values of the rest of us...ugh).

     Well,....just so happens.....Chris (the next door neighbor cop) works in the precinct(of this whole very large city where we live) where D was arrested last fall.  Actually,  D was never found at the scene but a warrant was issued and he turned himself in.   Therefore, I'm SURE that Chris knows about it...with a warrant being served at the address next door to him....and probably knows the officer who may testify against D this coming Tues. in court, June 7th.   What are the odds that she (a female police officer) may even be at the cookout ?   This is all too much for me, but in the theme of being a decent neighbor, S (my husband) has convinced me to go over to the least for awhile.    I KNOW that D was the one that totally initiated the incidents of all of his involvement with police...of COURSE he did.  But....ugh, many things have occurred with the police that honestly, have changed the way I view them...and not for the better.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at them differently again, at least not the ones in our city...maybe with time.

     Of course, these neighbors just so happen to just love my husband....always always talking to him in the driveway, etc..   My husband is one of those guys that everyone likes like that...he really is.  (you know he must be a good guy to get along with me this many years right ?)      I swear, since D's last arrest last November, and then with him leaving for rehab. in December, especially with it being winter, I've barely said much at all to any neighbor.  I just kind of shut people out, ...I'm sure other parents of addicts that may be reading this can relate to that at some level.  

    So....I'll let you know how it goes.  I just am hoping that one of his buddies doesn't stop by the cookout at the end of his shift, coming in in uniform.....oy.  I swear I have police PTSD.    Too many times, too much pain...with police's definitely an association that I have viscerally, even if I can reason it out in a better way intellectually. 

    Thinking of and praying for you and yours..........