I can't believe this...although I can. D just called, ...he's just got kicked out of the sober living house that he's been living in since Jan.. He relapsed again this past Thurs. when he got paid, apparently, lied about how much he got paid when he handed over his paycheck $ to the house manager. He was just drug tested tonight and flunked the test, obviously.
He was sobbing on the phone...saying what a failure he is,...that he doesn't want to live like this,..that he just wants to be happy and not feel like killing himself each day, which is what he says he does feel like. He said that he doesn't want to lie to anyone...doesn't want to keep doing this...that he did well for so long, why is it all this way again...will it ever stop ?
He was packing his things...calling his old sponsor to see if he could stay there tonight. Meanwhile, he has a 7 a.m. flight up here tomorrow for court, and is supposed to go right back to FLA. (IF it goes well in court) on Tues. evening. Go back to where now ?? He still has his job, but no place to live, unless he can figure that out in about 48 hr.s..
I am sick. I am so sad. I am very frustrated with him, but at the same time, my heart hurts for him. Do you understand that ? I know that he's mentally suffering. We are too. I don't know what will happen now. We've had hope for months and here he's almost in court where it actually might go o.k.. But what then ? I don't know how to not care about my son who is so depressed and wants to stop this but can't sustain stopping it. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN MY BACK ON THAT. I don't even know where he's going right now,..other than picturing him loading up all his clothes etc. in that shitty car, with his half tank of gas and no other money. That car is so crappy that he doesn't even have the lighter thing where you can charge your cell phone...so maybe the charge will run out. I am just freaking out right now. My husband is so disgusted...he left to walk the dogs...it's like he can't even talk.