Sunday, February 26, 2012

Free rehabs ?

Believe it or not,....not for D,...but I know one of you posted a list of rehabs that are low cost or even free. I can't find where that list is and a good friend needs it as soon as possible. Could any of you help ?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Incredibly Mean...

I just read a comment on my former neighbor/friend's Facebook page. The friend of my neighbor wrote, "favorite tweet today on Twitter,...congrats Whitney, you now have 4 days sober. ". My neighbor replied,..thanks (as in, for the laugh), ha ha ha ha.

I must say,...that really hit me,....I just got so angry, yet sad, all at the same time. And I must add,....the neighbor, former close friend, was one who was in our house about daily, when D was in his worst stages before(although he's now competing with that stage again,..hope not). She saw all of the pain & horrific things that happened. In the end, from unrelated circumstances,...not related to me much, but her marriage,...she ended up to be not much of a friend at all, & I was very hurt by it. But I digress. I just meant that she's seen a lot of addiction pain close up, from D & us. Although she wasn't the one that posted the comment,...she did laugh & go along with it,..although I'm sure she wasn't thinking of D nor me when she did. Ironically, she lives in FLA. now, in the same town that D does,..though they certainly never see each other. He used to be her # 1 babysitter for her son,...before the hell ride began, when D was someone that everyone thought was the greatest kid.

But the person who posted that was the one I'm really referring to as the mean one. I mean,,,even if you don't understand the disease aspect of addiction,...what the hell is wrong with people? Of course, I didn't keep my mouth shut( no surprise there), & commented that her "joke" was mean & disgusting,...& said, should pray that's not your daughter some day. Another guy/friend of my old neighbor's then commented,..."oh God,..please don't let my daughter grow up to be like Whitney". I know his comment was tongue in cheek,... Ecause really,..I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that could really ever happen. All I can say is,...neither did we, right ?

D is in the sober living house,...& his sponsor didn't "drop him" like D thought he would. D's sponsor also said that he thinks D should go to a 6mo. to 1 year treatment place. That got to me, well as a conversation I ad with D today,...when he said he thinks if himself as a "junkie" now. Ugh. It was awful to hear him say that & I told him not to say that &/or give it any energy. As if my suggestive "energy" can somehow sway the nearby of addiction,...sigh. D told me he continues to feel like getting high, but hasnt today nor plans to. Hed gone to 1 meeting earlier in the day & was going to another tonight I pray he's right on the not using today. That's all we've got,..right now. I'm working had on not projecting.

Praying for D's recovery & for you & yours too

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Knife in the heart on Valentine's Day

Well,..part of my non posting is due to issues with my laptop & it's sudden challenge to me to getting onto blogger,..ugh Therefore, I am doing this on an IPad with the big annoyance of the "typing" on it, which is more like one finger at a time/non typing. Again,..thank you SO much for your comments,...they're just so supportive to me.

Despite the big confession that D made,...that he initiated,..& his distraught feelings then that I do know were real,..more has been revealed. When I last posted, he'd told me/us about using,..and was truly so upset,...and we learned all the fallout from it,...drums were gone,..pArt of the rent $ etc etc. He really was miserable,..was going to now turn it around, & for the past week since then, "seemed" to be doing better.

Then,. Yesterday afternoon, I was home, out of work, due to S having foot surgery & me staying home from work to help him. The phone rang,..about 2 pm,..& I answered , hearing D's voice, very upset. He said he wasn't doing well at all,...started to cry on the phone. It all came out. Apparently,..despite his prior intentions(can't we all relate to this ?)! Yes,...he'd continued to use,..& it only got worse. Are you ready for this,,...he sold his CAR & had gone through all that $ on cocaine ! And yes, was a very crappy (POS) car ....but it was a running car that go him to work each day ! I mean,,,really ? ? And,,,he pawned other things too,...& finally, as he cried, he told me,.. "I smoked crack last night.". Not that his regular coke snorting is some benign activity,...but damn !! He said,..I can't keep doing this (no shit),... I have to do something different." So, he arranged to go back into the sober living house where he'd been, which is only 4 doors down fom hs house. God bless her, the woman who owns the SL House told him he could stay for a month for free. Thank you Trish. ! Meanwhile, his rent's paid & the 2 new roommates are over in his house, now w/out D even there. He gave the house manager his ID card & ATM cad & his about $8 of cash.

I then talked to him today,...he had today off from work. He sounded terrible, e was just wallowing in it, if ya know what I mean. Right now.I'm just very over it & fed up & pissed off. As has been said,'s much easier to detach this way. I don't know what will be, obviously. . .....

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The downhill roll

D's not good. I do think he truly wants to be better, but is more depressed & just texted me this : (in reply to my text " How ya doing now ? You ok ?"). He said " not really. I might need to go to the psych ward or treatment or somewhere. I'm at a meeting. I'll call you and explain a little later. ".

After 7 1/2 mo.s of being clean, we are again. And I did learn,...that he'd run out of his medicine & hasn't been taking it for almost 2 weeks. Coincidence ? I think not. That's what happened the last time he relapsed. Add in a breakup with the girlfriend & suddenly going off his medicine,..not a good combo.

Ironically, D's the one that told me once,...if I'm not really working on my recovery, my addiction's always pumping iron,..,waiting to work on me. No kidding. : (

So,..I'm waiting now for his call, to see what the next thing is to happen.

Thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. They mean a lot to me. You're all the only ones that truly understand.
And S and I are fine. He is not normally like what I described the other night. He's very remorseful for his words to me. He really is a loving & honorable husband,...just had to add that. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Lies, Using, Pain, Anger

 Well,...he didn't get right back on track. Another Sun. night revelation...and it's all bad,...really bad.  I talked to D earlier this evening.  He wanted to tell me the truth he said.  I've had bad feelings since the middle of this past week...and per usual, my gut was right.  Yes, he did go get that white chip last Sun., least, from what I can tell, he did.  Then, he didn't use for 2 days. He stayed home from work and slept most of his days.  He called in sick on the first day, but then, fortunately, had the next day off, then called in sick on Wed..  He started using again.....through earlier today.  His new drum set is gone, all of his just received tax return is gone and part of the rent money my husband just gave him is gone. The 2 new guy roommates put in the rest of their share of the rent since they just moved in, so he says that they have the rent $ aside, ready to pay.  D and I had a conversation, in which he cried, was desperate sounding.....saying he didn't want to go on this way.  He said that he didn't do everything his sponser told him to do (obviously) and just went and started using some more. He said he can't keep going on like this....doesn't want to live this way,...doesn't want to die, "doesn't want to have us bury him".  He said that he knows it will lead to that if he keeps going,...he's going to start over, totally surrender his will, his way, etc..  It was terrible.  I went through that conversation very pissed at him in some parts, very sad in other parts,...and with my heart breaking overall.  He was going to  get off the phone, call his sponser, go to a meeting, and get another white chip.

   I got off the phone and related the conversation to my husband, S, who was watching the beginning of the Super Bowl.  After that, it went downhill between S and me.  Many things were said back and forth between us. S was really really pissed at D(understandably),....and then ended up very angry at me. He said that D was trying to just manipulate me.   He'd had a few drinks and I know that influenced what he was saying. I said something about that and then it just escalated from there.  He said terrible things to me, really bad.  He then said that I was so f'd up and was the worst enabler,....stormed upstairs.  He was screaming at me, even from upstairs and I told him to shut the bedroom window,...feeling like the neighbors were hearing all of this. 

  That's where we are now....I feel just numb.  It's amazing how addiction can still wreak it's havoc from 4 states away from the addict.  I don't know what to think.  I just don't.  I feel like D is going to keep trying to be in recovery.....but am I just naive ?   Like I said....I feel numb at the moment