Monday, January 30, 2012

A Broken Heart

  I did text and later talk to D today. At first though....hadn't heard from him again later last night, even though he'd said he'd text me after the meeting, being that he'd been so very very upset when we spoke on the phone. But, later in the evening, before I went to bed...hadn't had any text, nor did he answer mine when I texted him. So, then I called him before I went to answer. I just said a prayer for God to keep him clean tonight and went to bed, slept well.  Then., I went off to work this morning....thinking he'd wake up and see my texts and text me back...nothing.  I must admit, I started to feel that old familiar freaked out feeling at school/work. Of course, I was with the kids,....on the job, time to get involved with D, but I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed, like I used to feel at school,...even felt impatient with the kids. : (   I even, did I do that for so long when D was so bad, with this job ?    Of course, I was also thinking....why didn't he answer last night?...he has $,..nothing to stop him from keeping on going ,.....if he doesn't go to work today, he'll lose the job...on and on,...right back into the crazy mode. UGH.

   I went about my morning and at about only 9:30 a.m., my cell phone rang in the classroom...I hadn't put it on vibrate.  Not only that, I answered it...I knew it was him.  (Of course, the kids are thrilled if I answer the phone...go figure).  Anyway, it was D telling me he was o.k.,...that he had gone to the meeting last night and picked up a white chip. He said he wasn't going to work today...had called in sick. Obviously, with me being in the classroom, our conversation was very brief.

  Later, early this evening, he called,...said he'd slept until 4 p.m., and finally had come home to his house. He'd stayed overnight at the sober living house he used to live in, which is only 5 houses away from his. He knows everyone there and didn't want to be alone.  I was glad he'd gone there,...and that he'd had it to go to. He said that he felt like still sleeping some more,...sounded quite sad.  I asked him what he was most sad about and he said, "that she's gone."   He said that he was going to go to an 8 p.m. meeting though (GOOD).    He has the next 2 days off from work, which isn't typical,..usually only has 1 off sometime during the week.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...having the next 2 days off.  I'd say,...not a good thing,...not that my opinion on that is either here nor there.

  Basically....the "boy" has a broken heart, despite the fact that he ended the relationship...regarding calling it what it was and saying it had to stop. But really, Stacy ended it when she stopped caring about him the way she had before. He did still care about her, want to be with her,..just wanted her to still be into it....thus, he's feeling quite heartbroken. I'm sure that most of us have gone through this at one time or another, or more than that,..and truly, it does suck.  I remember it.  Just that our addicts don't do very well with those heartbreaking feelings, as we know.

  He also said that he'd had about 15 voice mails today, from various people that know what happened and are concerned about him,...he hadn't answered the phone at all.  I pointed out how many people cared about him...people that he hadn't even known a little over a year ago.  I am grateful for them,....addicts caring about other addicts.  Thank God for them.

   I am grateful for all of YOU.  I so appreciate your comments on last night's post. really summed it up.  And yes, I do really know about the relapses...and don't believe that it's unusual.  I also know that D is doing what he needs to do (hopefully) from what he's progressed to in his recovery.  I say hopefully, because I'm not there, and one really never knows.  But D did say,..."Mom, I had a choice....and I chose the wrong thing.  I always have a choice."   Let's hope he makes the next right one...and keeps making them after that too.

   Hoping that your loved ones will be doing the same as well.  Thank you again for your words of support , etc..  Don't know what I'd have done without my bloggie peeps these past've been and continue to be the best.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Doesn't Pay to Procrastinate

Hi all,.....seems like way too long since I've written here.  I keep meaning to, and certainly keep reading and commenting upon your blogs daily, but haven't updated my own. Actually, between "stuff" I always need to get done between work and home,...there never seems to be enough time. (Don't even get me going on my job....the sucker up of all available time.)So....I'd planned to finally, finally, sit down and post this I am. 

 Anyway......D has continued to do VERY has been more amazing that I can really describe. In fact, that even actually made me a bit hesitant to post.  With Annette, Barbara, VJ, Dee, Anna, Terri's and many others' sons/daughters still using, or out there somewhere (like Helga's daughter) actually made me feel sad in another way to post how well D is doing.  How codependent am I??  Now I'm not sharing because I'm too worried about all of you.  But then, ....I think it may have been Her Big Sad that did make me can give hope to others too,...that YES, they can and really will "get it" and make the necessary steps and keep working on recovery, and WOW, what beautiful things can emerge from that.  Beautiful is the only word for it, husband says that same best describes what it's been like. 

   To be apt about the description,'s what we've been seeing,...for quite awhile now, and D's had 7 mo.s clean thus far.  He's continued to work at his job and other than that, work on his recovery...about 5 or 6 meetings per week...sometimes more. He's become connected to the recovery community there, and has many friends now, male friends that are clean for awhile ( 1 for 5 yr.s !) that he can hang out with.  He's bought (yes, HIS own $) a drum kit again and is playing drums and jamming with some other guys regularly,...which he was so into back when. He'd lost all of that to drugs,..the time to do it, the passion for it,...and even the actual drums ...everything,..he'd pawned.  But, I digress.   He has continued to live with "Stacy"...and that relationship was pretty stable and o.k., from what we could tell,...for awhile anyway. (more on them later)     But, overall...he's just progressed to where he acts SO much more mature, more thoughtful, more understanding, giving, patient, name it.  I can laugh with him again,.....can say whatever to him and he's NOT at all defensive, and doesn't react angrily....AT ALL.  It's just beyond what I can really articulate well.  He takes "life on life's terms" as he's said from an NA/AA term,...and although many times, things haven't been easy, he continues on....doing the next right thing.  NA has saved him....given him a new life, and it's been an incredible thing to see my original, real D come back.  He's been planning ahead now, getting things done ....will begin community college in June....he's done all of the looking into things, finding out info., etc..

So....then I'd noticed from things he'd say on the phone, and when we recently saw him around Jan. 1st (in New Orleans...of all places, for an addict, yikes), that things seemed dysfunctional between D and Stacy.  Stacy comes off as a quite confident young woman, but she's also a recovering addict who I know (from D) has had a very very tough journey...and has done some horrible things and had horrible experiences. She's a recovering heroin addict and that weekend in New Orleans, I learned she used to also be a stripper. I know...not that surprising, with a female addict,...I don't mean judgment on that, truly,..just have a heart for all that Stacy's gone though. But between the 2 of them, Stacy seemed to dominate D, and it struck me that there was an unbalanced I'd perceived from things D had already said in passing to me about them. 

 Going forward to more recently...things weren't going well between them , and D was unhappy about it. They had become more distant from each other, and she was irritable toward him and critical.  They discussed their issues etc., and finally Stacy admitted that she didn't feel for D what she had felt before, now what ?  So then, earlier this week, D told Stacy that he couldn't do this anymore, if she wasn't "into him"...that he deserved more...that he didn't have to keep going on like this, and told her they were through....broke up with her. So, all this past week, it's been difficult and Stacy moved out,...going to live with her sponsor and another young woman they both know.   D seemed to be (incredibly) taking it well,...was calm about it , but certainly not happy about any of it,..not at all.   However, he quickly pursued finding other roommates...2 guys in recovery he knows, and they're supposed to move in next weekend.  I /we were kind of amazed how well he was taking it all, despite the fact that he texted me last Fri. night that he wanted to use...and to please pray for him. I did !! 

But, he did just what he should do. He tried to contact his sponsor, who couldn't be reached due to being away skiing, out of cell phone reach, which was very atypical. But D reached out to others he knows there in recovery, went and spent time with them, went to meetings, has been doing OK, considering the circumstances.   Then,...just this weekend, all of this got even worse. Stacy has already moved out and D's been in the house there alone since the new guys haven't moved in yet. Apparently, Friday night (two days ago), it really all hit him harder and he was really very very sad and having a much harder time emotionally about it all.  Yet, he seemed to be hanging in there and last night, he called me in the late afternoon, saying that 2 of his friends were coming over soon to jam. He even said that he was doing some planning to make sure that he was going to fill his time in a way that was good for him, especially with Stacy being gone.  In fact, just recently, he'd been asked to go and represent NA at a hospital program for teenagers (14 - 18 yr. olds) who are speak to them, ..tell his story etc..  He was so happy to be selected to do this...and would be going each week. Here he is only 20 himself, but that was a reason that maybe he could make some difference. His words were, "Maybe what I'll say will go in one ear and out the other, but maybe one of them will listen to me. And even if they don't,'ll help keep me clean, so that's good. "  As I said, a beautiful thing to hear for us.

  So....early this evening, I got a phone call from D.  He was crying, much so that I could barely understand what he was saying.  His words:  "Mom, I got high last night.  I can't believe I did it...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,...I'm so sorry I let you  down.  I'm so sorry I let everyone down.  Oh my God." etc.etc.....sobbing and sobbing.  : (

  We talked more...his dad got on the phone after me. I swear, it was more a thing of us trying to comfort him and having him stop beating himself up.  He was so distraught.  I don't think I've heard him this way in....well, I can't remember when.  He said he was going to go to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip,...that he was so embarrassed, etc..  He said that after the guys were there playing music last night, he didn't share how he was feeling with them,...that he left the house, went to a very bad part of town and starting asking random people/strangers where to find drugs(cocaine).  He also said that his sponsor had told him to F__  jamming with those guys and to go to a damn meeting...or he was going to end up high.  Apparently, he'd missed a meeting the night before too.  Sigh.

 So...that's the current state of our union.  I'm praying that D will forgive himself and just keep going forward and do what he was doing before all of this hit him emotionally in the last week.  I also hope he uses this experience to help him KNOW beyond all doubt how slippery it can all be,...and SO quickly too.  That he has to always guard his recovery, especially during the bumps in the road.  There will always be bumps in the road.     So....I procrastinated on telling you all the good news,...and now there is bad news again.  : (  Please keep D in your prayers.