Thursday, March 24, 2011

keeping on keeping on with hope

I'm thinking that so many of us,....besides being so damn strong....and come on, we really are....have what I'm calling a stamina for hope. Because boy oh boy,....despite a LOT of evidence and experience that is contrary to that when you love an addict.....we still do least most of us do, from what I read and know of all of you. That doesn't mean that we can "make it better",...for we know that Step 1 teaches us that we surely can't. : ( And....if we've been able to pay attention to's easy to see from all of our actions and attempts, we're not successful in "fixing" our loved one's addiction. And despite the ups and downs and back and forth of progress for an addict that we love,....and even when our addict relapses and our heart breaks.....most of us still do hope. It is good...we should hope. Never give up hope.

Thinking of all of you who suffer from addiction.....whether the addict or those who love an addict.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

90 is a beautiful number

D texted me early this morning, that today is his 90 days clean. Do you believe, I hadn't counted the days this time to know it was today that was 90. I did realize it was coming up, but hadn't paid attention to counting or knowing exactly when. That's actually progress for me.

"This time", I also no longer ask him if he's gone to a meeting today, or what time and day his therapy appointment is that week and text or call and remind him. I know you're thinking....well, no kidding, you shouldn't be doing that anyway....lame. But the last time he was clean for this long (longer) before relapsing, when he was closer in distance to home, I did still do that, even though he was living in an Oxford house then, and truly was trying to continue being clean. At that time, he had no transportation other than his bike, which he used a lot, and the bus, which he also rode all over. However, we were still much more involved, because often times, the bus schedules and his work schedule and therapy appt.s made it where he needed some type of ride and we did do that, a lot.

Now, D just got a car ....mind you, first of all, he does have his license back, so that all helped lead up to the car. It's an old Honda with 126,000 mi. on it, but it's in good condition and it works....hallelujah. He gets himself back and forth to work....on time (I guess...don't actually know), goes to his therapy appt., meetings, etc. and I'm not involved.....also a beautiful thing. He is giving each paycheck he gets for the next 6 weeks to help pay for his portion of the car(we helped some) and will take over his car insurance totally as of May. He even found the insurance himself and it's less than I thought it would be, given his history. (He did, at one point in 2009, total my car, without a license, nor permission to drive it, 2:30 a.m., under the influence....but I digress.)

We only have guarantees of the future for his staying clean. But do we have guarantees for the future about anything,....whether bad or good ? He admits that he still can have his mind go to the wrong thoughts......but he deals with that in the right way, least, "for now" he is.

Today is a wonderful day and I'm grateful,....for D's progress and many, many other abundant blessings.

I continue to pray for you and those you love affected by addiction.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

my dad....and D

Today is the 3 yr. anniversary of my father's death. He lived a long life,..was 93 1/2 when he died....a hell of a long life. Knowing him as I did, I'm still surprised he did actually die....for he was way too stubborn to do so. He was born in 1914, Imagine all of the changes he saw in his lifetime, major.

He was a unique character, to say the least, ...fortunately, for the rest of us. Don't get me wrong...I loved him....still do. But he was a difficult man,....selfish, intense, persistent about what he wanted, so often a bully of sorts .....and could easily make many around him quite miserable. He did that so much for my "family of origin", especially my mother, who was the inventor of co-dependence. (see.....I really do come by it honestly). She never did improve on it at all and still, if asked....will just remember "all the good things"....amazing.

They had a very tough marriage,...and he was controlling and demanding, jealous and selfish.....and many other negative adjectives you want to throw in. I have 2 older brothers, 13 yr.s older, one 6 yr.s older than me....and I'm the one girl,...the "baby" of the family. There's much more to it (isn't there always?),...but I was very much my mom's favorite...."always wanted a girl". So, do the math......I therefore wasn't my dad's favorite....since I took away my mom's attention from him...who should always have her attention. He always told me he loved me...but his behavior told me otherwise,...... but, in that sense....he wasn't exactly magnanimous with others either. Yet....don't get me wrong....he'd do some things for me....and worried about me,....but in an insulting, often angry way. Anyway,..ours was always a conflicted relationship,...and I always was envious of those girls who so typically just so loved their dads.....and looked up to them, and I wondered, .....what would that feel like ?

I know this is somewhat odd of a post.....since I always write this blog about D. But....go many ways,.....sooo many ways......since a very young child...D always was reminiscent of my dad, but not in the selfish or mean ways. My dad (once a grandfather) was called Pop Pop. And we actually used to call D "Pop Pop boy" least my husband me privately,...not to D. It was so odd....he looked just like my dad when he was little, as photos of my dad when young looked. He had the olive skin that my dad did......(D's 2 siblings weren't that dark complected),......he had almost ALL of the idiosyncratic preferences about food that my dad liked...., he was cheap like my dad,(or should we say mega frugal)....that changed later ! ugh......used to want to buy useless inexpensive trinkets....never get rid of anything,.....didn't trust anyone easily, and was so intense and persistent about something he wanted (from about 15 mo.s old) that well....damn....there were just so many similarities.

In so many ways.....these traits emulate anxiety (which D was diagnosed with at age 8) and intensity.....a symptom of D's ADHD,....and are so often personality and/or biological predispositions of those who are or become addicts. (and mind father liked to drink too.....he's the one I first hated someone drunk from). I'm sure my dad had ADHD too....which no one at all understood then......barely do now , really.

I have to wonder what could have been for my dad if all of that was understood for him. And mind you, he was treated by his parents is a whole additional negative story.

And now....despite all that has gone downhill for D,....he's working on his recovery and himself and is not now continuing with the selfish, lying, angry behavior that was so characteristic of his addiction, just a short time ago. God willing....he'll continue his growth and work on himself. Last night he told me on the phone, "the good thing is that now I quickly won't accept my own bullshit".

He really isn't that "Pop Pop boy",.....he's becoming a young man that is honorable, patient, kind, and responsible. And mind you....that is who D always was before too. He always was moral and kind-hearted,.....but did have those intensities of my dad about what he liked.

I'm just proud of the work that D's doing on himself and so so grateful. And rough as I have described my dad.....I really can't do him justice,....because...there actually was a good side to him too. And I know that he's happy that D is doing better, just like we are.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Where he is now

Well, first, it was hard to post...and then, I guess, I just kept putting it off. Court did not go well for D. : ( No, not at all. It will go forward to a trial, and is set for April 12th, possession of cocaine, if convicted, a felony. It's quite a story...maybe I'll save the details for another post. But, the bottom line is that D had a "God moment" as he describes it that day (back in Oct.) He was with a friend who was really "messed up" and D suddenly looked around him and "saw evil"(yes, D's words)...and said, "I wanted no more of drugs right then." In fact, he called me at that moment,...I told him to get out of there, away from there....."there" was a crappy motel down at the beach, ugh. How they were there that day is another side story.....and D stupidly put the room in his name. Anyway, D decided to get out of there....and his friend wouldn't leave and was in a very bad state....more than I realized from what he said on the phone. D went to the motel clerk, ...said he wanted the room not in his name anymore....but his friend wouldn't leave. D also said, "and I don't want anything to do with what's going on in there" (not the thing to say) the clerk called the cops.

By the time the police came, D had left. His friend was caught red-handed, with coke in the room, with him, in him, etc.. However, the cops looked at the friend's phone, saw D's number, (who had repeatedly called the friend back) and called D. During the course of the conversation with the cop, D said that he'd "done a line"(ugh).......and although he was never seen by the police nor found with anything on him nor in him,....that's the evidence that they're going with, which could be a lifelong felony.

D is back in Florida,....left the same day as the hearing, when he learned that it will go to a trial. (His idea to immediately return that day, plus he had to get back to work). He initiated leaving here where we live to go to FLA. to a treatment actually paid (woo hoo) ...only for 3 wks. , but still....that was good. (no detox needed, so only 3 wks. vs 4). He went to the rehab. for 3 wks. and since then (from early Jan.),he went to a sober living home.

In fact, he went to a 2nd sober living home since people were getting high in the first one. I apologize....for I know I'm repeating myself for some prior blog posts.

So,...meanwhile....oh do I really say it all here ? Since then....D has got a job, thrived in the 2nd sober living home.....goes to meetings every times, more than 1 per day, has a sponsor , and is working the steps....really doing all of the work on them. (his sponsor is quite great from what I can tell). He even now has a girlfriend (also in not so sure on how that will all go),...and recently , got his license, and a CAR ! (yes, we helped some, but not all the way, with the car, he now has paychecks that helped contribute to that.)

D is all of the things that we'd hoped he would start to behave as..... considerate, patient, motivated, responsible (that one is truly hard to get used to !),.....he plans ahead (go figure, he CAN do that !), gets up early (? !), ...hard working, etc. etc.

Anyway.....he's doing VERY well....and now April 12th remains as a challenge that looms over him/....and I admit, me.....well, us.

That's what is happening here.....and there , in Florida. And ya know what? I really miss him. Damn, if we didn't get the horribly behaving, lying, stealing, addict these past 4 plus years. And now that he's so together and what I know is the "real D",...he's not even where we can see him, least not very often.

But....if being there is what saves his life and helps him maintain his recovery, then that's o.k. and so be it.

Hanging on in the meantime and finally am able to take a sigh of least for now. I realize there IS NO guarantee.