relapse/ homeless for the weekend

  O.k.,..here's the latest,..and I need to get it out, and have you all tell me what I know you will.    I've had a very busy week...last week of work/school, and haven't had much time to post. But, D has been doing so well, or so it seemed, and it all has seemed so encouraging.  His new house manager has been driving him back and forth to work as well as any other place he's gone,..mainly meetings, or anywhere they and other house residents went to do whatever.  I've heard from  him frequently, and although he was struggling at first, he kept sounding better and better.  He got the prescription for the Naltrexone and he was going to fill it today, when he had the day off from work.  I'd thought (and even suggested) he fill it sooner,...but whatever, he hadn't yet.
    Early this evening, I was at our end of the year faculty party, having a great time....and my cell phone rang.  It was D, ...sounded horrible, almost crying...said he had bad news...he'd used again.  WTF.  He was also kicked out of his sober living house...the new one, when it was discovered last night, at 3 a.m., that he was gone.  He'd gone out in the middle of the night to a drug dealer's place.  Guess the house manager doesn't have his car key?  Didn't even ask about that detail.   He was at a Walmart parking lot, had nowhere to go, was hotter than hell,..it is southern FLA., and yes, quite brutal heat right now.  Apparently, he'd been driving around or just sitting in the car all day, other than going to a meeting in the middle of the day. 

   He said that he'd not called or texted me earlier, because he didn't want to ask for help, but didn't know what to do, where to go, etc..  He said he had about $7, that the house manager had the rest of the $ from his paycheck and they wouldn't give it to him, nor give him his medicine either...they had that at the house.  They'd told him he could come back into the house on Mon., but not until then.  He started to cry, said he didn't know what he would do, that he was so hot, that he'd thrown up earlier from the heat...or thought that must be why.   He said all of the regretful things that we're all used to them saying. I know that he meant it, ..but , well...you know what I mean.  I didn't want to hear it at that point, even if I thought he did mean it.   I told him I was at the party,...to call his father,...I'd talk to him later once I'd left the party.  I did call him back...it was more of the same conversation.

    Bottom line, he texted me back again, after our 2nd conversation on my way from the party.  He said that he was so hot, that he needed a shower so bad....could we just give him $40 to try to find somewhere to stay for tonight ?  I'd already suggested he try to find a public shelter that would take him and to call his sponsor.  He said that he'd already talked to him, and that the sponsor told him that he probably couldn't be let into a shelter since he had a car....that there were many other people in much more need than him so that they wouldn't take him.  His sponsor told him that maybe he was right where he needed to be right now.

   S (my husband) and I talked and decided that we wouldn't help him,....that he was going to have to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot in the heat, for the weekend.  He's supposed to work tomorrow, so I am hoping he'll go, and at least have AC and be able to get something to eat there too.  I have no idea if he has work clothes with him or what that situation is.  I also know he doesn't have a car charger for his phone, so don't know if his cell phone charge will run out and then he won't even be able to tell us where he is or if he's o.k..

   I am now sitting out on our deck on a balmy and beautiful summer night, typing this ....picturing D in a crappy car in the heat....with nowhere to go,...and not doing well mentally...meaning depressed.  Mind you, my husband is a 26 yr. Marine, and references what all our young guys are feeling for heat in Afghanistan right now,...telling me that D will be o.k..  S also understands addiction and what's needed for recovery very well, and is hoping that this weekend will make a difference for D,...that we finally will not help him in this "time of need" that he's created.  

    I say "homeless for the weekend" because his sober living home has already told him that he can move back in on Monday.  But, I'm sick,....just sick, sitting here, picturing him there.  S is here with me, also playing some music, and seems to be able to cope with this so much better than me.  Don't get me wrong, he loves our son as much as I do, but I'm just wired in a way that this is still so so so  hard for me.

     I'm just so tired of this....and I know you all understand.   Obviously, he still had the drug dealer's number in his phone contacts.  What does that tell you ?  Sometimes I feel so dumb for thinking that he's getting better.