Saturday, May 28, 2011

step 1....again

D called today, after work.  Can you believe that they gave him that job back ?  Just goes to show,...the boy has charm when he is in his right mind.
    And yes,,..I've heard from him regularly since he first got back to FLA. on  Wed. night.  Today was the first time that I felt good about him saying that he really is starting over on his road to recovery.  He already had said that he'd told his sponsor about everything once he got back to FLA., but I wasn't sure whether or not I would buy that....all recent things considered. 

   Today, when he called, he said that in addition to telling his sponsor, that he'd now also told his house manager....of the sober living house where he lives.  That was what he was afraid of doing...thinking that he may be kicked out.   Well...amazingly, he wasn't, but was put back onto a plan for those who are in early recovery from where he'd been for the past 5 months...rightfully so.  He was moved out of the single room that he'd advanced a triple room, and is now not allowed to go anywhere without another house member with him, other than to work.  He also has to hand over his paychecks to the house manager, who will dole out his money $20 at a time. (GOOD )    Of course, of course..this could be bullshit...but my gut feeling is that it's true...and we can easily call his house manager to verify. He's given us his number before, and I think we will call him to do that tomorrow or the next day. 

     All I can say is that I do know D wants tough as it is for him to achieve and continue it.  Time will tell, but this kid really has gotten some big breaks.  I've got to think that our prayers have been heard and that there's a chance for him to get back on the right track and keep following it.  That's what I'll keep praying for.....for D and for your addicted children too.

  and also...he's on a payment pay me back every dollar that he took from me.  Time will tell on that too....if he doesn't , I certainly won't continue to help him financially.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Back in the Saddle Again............

It's too lengthy to explain how I have started to post at least 3 or more times prior to this,...but yet again, procrastinated,...and stopped.  There's been so much to say, to start from the beginning....just too much.      Ironically, the last time I posted....way too long ago,...I was talking about D's deceit when he was last here regarding where he went and with whom.  Ironically, I found out more about that too,...(from him) and that wasn't as negative as I'd first thought, although he did go somewhere where it wasn't the best place to be, briefly.  But, he was really into his recovery at that point, and being here made him uncomfortable and at times, sad. He started to feel extremely squirrely and called me at work (remember me talking about that?) ....and had someone (an old friend, not an addict) pick him up.  But I digress....

   Since then, (that was around April 12th ) much has been happening,...I have to resort to bullets:

      *   continued to do well....we saw him in FLA. during spring break (for me from work) ,spent time was great.
   * said he was having trouble sleeping....a lot....found out that he'd stopped taking his medicine,...not at all purposely,....but by forgetting, and no one at the sober living house reminds him(not saying it's their responsibility) but with the ADHD ,  easy to forget,...I thought....oh no
    ** became depressed....continued to have trouble sleeping....I KNOW, a direct result of  suddenly going off the meds.  : (
  **(didn't find this out 'til later, of course), but....another roommate..more than one, was smoking spice/ K-2, and D knew it....saw it,....had been pissed off about it before....but then, did it with one of them  : (      I don't think this would have happened if he wasn't depressed....but , nevertheless, happened.
  ** continued to smoke spice....much more than one time,....didn't sound right on the phone,...I really thought something was up. Sounded like he was lying around, not know the drill,...but was continuing to work and go to  meetings ,...but didn't sound like he was going to as many meetings as before.....normally daily
    ** on the phone...before coming up here for court (today),...said he had to tell us something...that he'd relapsed on spice,...but got back to working on his recovery(had been taking his meds. again by the way),..I swear, as simple as me setting an alarm on his phone while in FLA. with him...I know,..not my job,.but it did work
  ** another bad phone call shortly before coming up here this past weekend...he'd lost his job....from being late 3 times....due to having been using spice, not getting enough sleep, not getting up on time,..ugh
  **called one night, trying to get us to put $40 into his account that night...needed $ for food on the weekend, but needed that within the hour....hmm, my antennas are up
 ** right before arriving here this past his job back !,...surprise,..due to having gone back to see the manager when he picked up his paycheck and apologizing etc.,....score one for the right side
  ** arrives here this past Sun. for court today,....not right away, but during the time since Sunday, finally admits that the relapse was more than he's been letting on...ugh.  It went from spice to a full blown cocaine one week, went through his 2 paychecks of about $500...and oh yeah...he never had been fired from the job,..but had just stopped showing up, thus had "lost the job" that way, but he actually did get it back
  **Sun. afternoon,....really wants to get his favorite Chinese food...which is right down the street from us(prior to us knowing about the cocaine,and thinking the spice was short lived),...I give him $15 and my husband lets him DRIVE HIS CAR too...just down the street....he does now have his license back now.  
  ** Sun. night...hubby actually lets him again (mind you,before the big confession) take his car to an NA meeting,..then was going to stop at a friend's house(a girl) but NOT be home late.  It's a "school/work night"...I wake up at 1:15...D's still not home,...I call him..he comes home...ugh,...not good
  ** Mon.,..we go to work.... I come home after running errands,...already had his dad loan him the car again, for a "6 p.m. meeting",....I hadn't even told my hubby about the 1:30 a.m. arrival home the night before. I go not find any 6 p.m. meeting...tell him to get home....stop his bullshit,...via text.  He gets home by 8:30
  ** We have words,..the 3 of us (just like old times...back in the saddle again) husband gets pissed and goes to bed at 8:50.   D stays home the rest of the night...or so I think. 
 ** 2 a.m., rings...oh God, know how your heart beats when that happens?
(showing my age....but I have to quickly fumble to put the glasses on to see the caller ID)....dreading that it's the police, but no(thank GOD), it's not...but my neighbor's name. I answer,...she says....sorry, but her husband(he works night shift)...just saw D leaving the neighborhood in your car, the Corvette(hubby's 30th anniversary gift to me last year)....I'm thinking you might not know that?  Mind you...this neighbor and I have been through it together....she was the one who had to call me years ago when D was dealing pot out his 2nd story bedroom window, by dropping the baggies down and she had to call and tell me.....can you spell humiliation?...whatever...way past that ....big time
   ** I call D....amazingly,..he does come right back....this is improvement.....he didn't do his old "worst times" response of "I don't give an F" or some such reply.  And for those of you experienced veteran parents of addicts who're thinking...Holy Hell...where was your purse and keys ?  My purse was in my bedroom, right next to my bed on the floor where my husband & I slept...but that little f'er tiptoed in and had the b--ls to take it right from there, with both of us right there...and mind you, have the garage door open, which is noisy, albeit at the opposite end of the house though.  That damn cpap machine of my hubby's does block some noise with the whooshing and all.  Guess we both sleep soundly these days. I must have become slouchy since my old 2 a.m. night watchman days when D was in high school and trying to get past me to sneak out of the house.
  ** Oh wow....we are amazed at how fast we've gone back to the old hell to 60, quick as the Corvette.    : (
   ** Tuesday,...we go to work....D is here....what else can we do ? We are both taking off work for court the next day.  We come home...he's in his old room,(WHY?) where he used to use......which we've been storing things in....we had the guest room ready for him...all nice.   It's like a metaphor..he's all wrapped up in a blanket,...sleeping although it's only late afternoon.   : (    He rallies briefly to eat something with us and his brother...not much.  He looks shitty.  His dad had already checked to make sure his court clothes were clean and ready...on the hanger,..but that's before he even got here. 
   ** Today...we go to court....another continuance...amazingly, which is really a good thing for D....because the prosecution hasn't been able to locate their one witness(in 7 long do they get?)  He might even have a shot at not being convicted if they don't find her...or have it reduced to a misdemeanor vs. a felony, if they do...must come back on June 7th (our nice)
 ** As we leave the courthouse...just on the steps !'s like he suddenly goes "into the darkness" again.  Not trying to be melodramatic..., but that's what it feels like and I swear...he even looks like to me, during those times. He totally flipped, and said that he didn't want to go back to FLA. 'til court...he was staying here.  What??  And so it was awful...continued on to at home,..which my husband, S, went back to, even though he was planning to continue on to work from court. But, being that D was being unreasonable...etc., he came back home with us.  And then it began in earnest...D was saying, "I don't give a shit",..all of the old sayings...ugh.  We quickly let him know that if he didn't go back on his flight that night(last night),...he wasn't living here with us....he had to get out.        Anyway,.....then we got him to take his medicine (remember how I say how the Abilify is like a miracle for him?)   About 20 min.s later...he comes downstairs....totally turned around,...apologizes, etc.,...saying he'll go back...doesn't want to hurt us,...and that he's SO sick of all of this. Well,...yeah, us too. 
        I drive him to the airport....reach into my purse, and see that he stole all but about $4 out of it !!   And even worse...which is very rare....I had about $200 in it, and I knew it was in the the night before when I took it to our bedroom again, but this time, hid it within our bedroom.....obviously he came into our room AGAIN (what are we, in a coma??) and FOUND IT where I'd hidden it !  : (   I was so pissed....I saw this right when he was about to get out of the car, when I was about to hug him good-bye...just told him, "just get out, get out now"....I was just so sickened and pissed.   He welled up with tears and said, "Mom...that's why I am a piece of shit.  I can't believe what I've done and how I'm right back where I started....again."    Then he said..."You wait Mom,'ll see, I'm going to come back a CHANGED person. "  And off he went...back to FLA.       
           I have once again been through the old feelings of anger, sadness, despair, name it....all the same.   But thank God he got on that plane....and I'm not talking about D,...I'm talking about S and me....we need to not have him living here....and deserve the peacefulness of that.

Monday, May 2, 2011

damn deceit

well,....go figure,....things aren't just as they seem, totally.  D does continue to maintain his sobriety, least as far as we know, anyway.  But,...yesterday, my husband, S, was at the grocery store, and just so happened to run into another couple, who are the parents of a long using friend of D's.  We know this couple well, and have even been to court with them(on the same side, not against them)...but that's another long story. They're still struggling with their son, and their house was a place that D used to go to a lot,...and it wasn't good.  Over that house, much as the mom & step dad "tried" to make it not so, things weren't as restrictive as needed to be,...and many kids would be in and out of there,....often doing what they shouldn't do.  : (   S stopped and talked with them and they talked of how happy they are that D is doing so well now,...and how their son isn't where D is.  They said that they'd "seen D when he came over the last time (recently) he was back home".   S thought.....oh shit.   They were referring to the recent trip that D made back here for court on April 12th, which ended up late May. 

 While he was here, I can remember how I was driving in the car with him, and he got a text and mentioned how it was from that friend ,...the son of the couple in the grocery store.  I was alarmed right away...and he said ,.."I'm not even answering him...he must have heard that I was in town, but he's never even been in contact with me all these months....I certainly want nothing to do with him." we learn....not so much,...of the truth that is.

  The thing is.....holy's the kid that is all about living so far away because he KNOWS he can't handle being around here,....too many triggers, he says he's uncomfortable being here,....and he walks back into the lion's den ????  Being over that house...even if things are more controlled now while there, ...he would still be with at least one or probably many more, drug users !!

   We have gone through SO MUCH...never mind the past almost 5 yr.s of PAIN, but just recently....flying him back and forth for court,, going down there to spend time with him (VERY expensive), which we chose to do,...but feeling that he's all into his recovery, and by all other accounts does seem to be.  He's working, but we're still paying his sober living rent, and supporting him in so many ways....don't forget the car repairs, ugh.   And really, it ISN'T about money,....but our support has been steadfast while he's been working on his recovery, whether emotionally, time wise, or whatever way was needed.

  BUT , I just can't handle his deceit / bullshit anymore.  I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. It's something that is indicative of where he is overall.  I really do believe he's clean,...but it still calls so much into question about things he's telling us.

   Isn't it something,....when they do these things....that we're the ones that feel stupid ?  At the moment, I'm fed up.