Fighting the Demon

Although I've been keeping up on reading others' blogs,...for some reason, I've let mine lapse for awhile.  Currently, D is clean (over 30 days now) since his relapse in June, and living in the sober living home he moved into after being kicked out of the last one when he relapsed.  Fortunately, where he is now is just a much better place overall,...so as bad as it is that he relapsed, the fact that it also resulted in him moving into where he is now is a good thing.   Since he relapsed and was homeless that one weekend from Thurs. night to Monday, he was then on restriction, and couldn't go anywhere without someone from the house with him, and wasn't able to drive his own car anymore either, not even to work. He was driven back and forth from work daily by the very devoted house manager, Mark. Mark has been quite an amazing blessing to D, and has spent much more time and effort to support D's recovery than would be typical of a sober living house manager.  D agreed to all of it, despite his not liking the restrictions or not having his car to use.  Additionally, he gives his paycheck to the house manager (with the stub) and gets any money he needs in small amounts only, ...showing what he's using it on.   In fact, the woman who runs the business but doesn't live in the house, even called me....to check in and touch base with us on how D was doing.  I was pretty amazed at that too.  She gave me the house manager's phone number and said we could call him if we'd like to.  I did, and had a good conversation with him....really can't thank him enough for all that he's been doing for D.    He told me (that was a month ago now) that they were leading D by the hand, one day at a time......to help keep him clean, at that point.   He also said a lot of nice things about D that were very encouraging to hear,....how D had a lot more maturity and willingness to get it and be in recovery than he's seen in most young guys his age (19, almost 20),...how D is such a great kid, and obviously really wants recovery, despite his recent relapse at that point,...that he's got a good attitude, is usually easy to get along with, etc..  The one thing he said that was most encouraging was that he has a lot of hope for D....that he really sees him continuing on in his recovery and being o.k.,....and how he really often doesn't see that this young for  many of the guys he works with.  


   Meanwhile, D continues to work and go to meetings each night, and even has had a bunch of fun times with some people he knows in recovery there and a new friend ( a girl) he works with,....just a friend, which is good.  I love hearing about him being able to do some social things with other young people where he has some fun, for I know that whole social thing is important for him, especially at his age.  He's gone to a picnic, out to a restaurant to watch the world cup, to see a movie, etc..  I think it's s great for him to keep experiencing these fun times where he enjoys himself in a social setting where no one is drinking or getting high, especially with other people around his age. He isn't doing those things that much, but it seems it's enough to keep  him motivated.  


   Just the night before last, he did have a tough time again, with cravings...and it hasn't been the first time that it's happened, since his relapse. No surprise there.  He now (just since last Saturday) has his car back, and was driving a couple of guys from his house to a meeting. One was a brand new guy who started to talk about cocaine, and also say...."Let's just ditch this meeting and go find something fun to do."  He said that the guy wasn't saying to go and get high,...just not go to the meeting.  They did however, go to the meeting.  That was enough though,...that thread of conversation in the car, to start the whole using/craving thought process in D's head...and it really really bothered him, throughout the meeting and  continued afterward that night.  In fact, he said that at the end of the meeting, when they ask if anyone has a burning desire...he spoke and said yes, he had a burning desire (need to speak) and that it was to say that he really felt like getting high.  : (     That prompted a number of people to come over and talk to him personally at the end of the meeting, offering support, etc..  Afterward, he had the guy with the cocaine talk ride back to their house in someone else's car and called his sponsor and then went out to McDonald's with a couple of people he's friendly with in recovery, which also helped him feel better, he said.    So, ....what a difference....he still was having the thoughts/urges....but this time, was reacting by DOING THE RIGHT THING.....trying to get away from what was prompting him, ...and most importantly, calling his sponsor immediately.


His sponsor now....that's a whole other story....this guy is another Godsend....what a wonderful blessing for D he is.  D has been working on steps with him and he said when he did the first step with him, it was the most intense first step experience he's ever had, ...he cried, laughed,..you name it. But I digress.


   Then, last night he calls us,...spoke with his dad, and asked if we'd be willing to help him change his phone number on his cell phone.  Yes,...we currently pay his cell phone w/ Verizon. He said that because of his relapse in Florida, there's now a coke dealer there who has his number...and another guy also, who was the one that helped him find the coke dealer and used with him.  He said that guy is now supposedly clean, but that he really doesn't know if he can trust that anyway, nor whether or not he'll stay clean in the future, so he doesn't want him to have his number anymore. He was someone who D originally met in his former sober living home.....and is now working on his recovery again, and is asking D if he may want to be roommates with him in an apartment in the future, after D is no longer in the sober living house where he now lives.  D said that he just doesn't want him having his number anymore....as well as for sure not wanting the coke dealer to text him about having some "great stuff"....prompting a craving.  


    The main thing I'm seeing is D thinking of different situations and worrying.....HIM initiating trying to avoid those things,...being proactive in trying to not be in any contact with whatever could prompt him to use again....not me or his dad or his sponsor saying those things, but HIM, big and important difference.  In fact, he said that after the cocaine talk the other night on the way to the meeting....he felt scared and awfully anxious and nauseous.....in reaction to having the cravings thoughts.  When he told me that, I thought,...."Good, that makes me feel sick too."    He did finally start taking the Naltrexone....takes a daily pill, and said at first that he thought it was helping him not to have as many cravings....but he wasn't sure. I guess that is a very hard thing to know,....unless he goes off it and starts having more...or goes off it and it's the same. Fortunately, he hasn't had any side effects at all since starting to take it.  Anyway, if it can help him at all, I figure....try it and use it for awhile, at least,...especially with no other side effects and that it is covered by insurance.


     That's all that's happening currently.   Sometimes it's discouraging to think how hard he has to fight this daily....but that type of thought is fleeting to me.  For I am much more focused on how grateful I am for how hard he is fighting and that he's currently clean....and YES,...free of any legal charges now.  That is also a recent happening (since June 7th) that I am in awe of, after so much time (years) of dealing with that.  One day at a time....and on this day, I am GRATEFUL.       Still praying for yours and you as I pray for mine.