Monday, June 27, 2011

here's the link

thank God for restrictions

This is incredible,.....D called me today....saying, that something happened,...he couldn't believe it.   One of the guys from his former sober living know, the one he was recently kicked out of,...had killed his girlfriend this past weekend !  The guy had moved out of that house a little while ago to live with his girlfriend.  The other thing is....prior to killing her, ...just hours prior,...the guy (Ben) was kicked out of his girlfriend's house, and when that happened, he called D for a ride.  Since D had recently relapsed and is on the heaviest of restriction now, D told him that he couldn't help him out.  D did ask him what happened....why was he kicked out?  He told D that he had gotten high and that was why.  D said that Ben was high when he was talking on the phone with D, and that
Ben was a crack addict, so must have been high on crack on the time. D tells me that he probably wouldn't have given him a ride anyway....but who knows.

 I am at a loss for words at the tragedy 

    Apparently, Ben went back to his girlfriend's house and then beat her with a 2 x 4, while she slept, and then strangled her.   I am at a loss for words's all so horrific.  I think of the poor girlfriend..,her family....Ben's family....Ben himself. I wonder....what is his background ? Was he abused ?What was it that drove his addiction, besides his biology ?   Could one of our kids have become Ben  ?    

    And of course, as D's mom.....what if he hadn't recently relapsed  and still had his car ?    Would he have unknowingly gone to give Ben a ride ? D gave Ben rides all the time while they both lived at the other sober living house.  Could Ben have killed D while high on crack if D said the wrong thing ?   Could D have been involved and then charged as helping Ben with getting away from the murder ?  My mind pictured all of those things today.      There but for the grace of God goes D.....      I'm just amazed at all of's all so very very sad.....

      This is a perfect (however tragic) example of the horrors of addiction......

Monday, June 20, 2011

house meeting

D went to his house meeting tonight,....the house where he had been living before he was kicked out on Thurs. night.  After discussion and new requirements (more stringent than before) he was allowed to move back in.  He (and we) were it begins again.  He did sleep at his sponsor's house last night, so he wasn't still in his car.  The sponsor wouldn't let him do so on Fri. or Sat. night, but did so last night, which was a relief for D.   I think he's really become appreciative of A/C, wonder. 

    Yesterday, he called and was hanging out in a hospital parking garage.....felt it was a safer place to hang out in his car, vs. other parking lots, and was also cooler in temperature.  I said,..."well, that's true,...that makes sense."  His reply was, "Well Mom, I'm not stupid."     No, D was never stupid,...not at all.  He was the one as a freshman in h.s. with a 3.7 GPA,....UNTIL he got involved with drugs.     I guess it's been so long since I've seen him doing anything sensible,...that it's hard to remember that. 

    And, so ....he is given yet another chance to be clean and build a good life.  Time will tell......

Saturday, June 18, 2011

a place to sleep, one day at a time

 From what I can tell, D rallied enough to go to work today, even though he still felt sick. He called here this morning, when it was only 8:30 there, at what's 1/2 hr. into his shift. He was still feeling awful, nauseous. He was on his break, which they often have early on, since it's not yet busy then.  

He was upset again and talked about how he didn't know what he'd do he was scared last night. He'd slept in the Walmart parking lot, and how hot he'd been, and how he couldn't close up all the car windows to be safe, since it was so hot.  He did ask if we could help him out tonight (think $ for motel room),...and I said no,...and we agreed to text or talk later on. 

From how he sounded, I didn't know if he'd make it through the day at work,...feeling as sick as he was.  In fact, him being so sick made me wonder if he had been doing something else instead of coke,...not that coke was anything remotely o.k..   He kept saying that he didn't want to at all do anything negative anymore....that he regretted so much what he'd done, that he really does want recovery, which is why he wants to go back to the sober living house as soon as they let him on Monday.

   So....he did call today after work, and was feeling much better physically.  He really still thought that it had been from being in the heat from Thurs. night 'til Sat. morning...who knows.   Meanwhile, he was calling me from the mall there. Since it had A/C, it was much better than sitting around in his car.  And, apparently, he was able to plug in his cell phone in some outlet he'd found in the mall....swell. I told S,....D's currently a vagrant...ugh.    

        The bright side for him was that a girl he works with had told him he could sleep on her couch tonight, he was quite relieved about that.  Don't know what he'll do all day tomorrow (no work) or tomorrow night.  But, at least he knows that we won't pay for him to stay somewhere. I told him about the Salvation Army lodge and that there were other shelters too, but didn't give him any phone numbers or specifics. 

    So that's the latest here. When he was a little boy, I sure never thought that I'd be referring him to homeless shelters, but this isn't the first time that I've done it either. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

relapse/ homeless for the weekend

  O.k.,'s the latest,..and I need to get it out, and have you all tell me what I know you will.    I've had a very busy week...last week of work/school, and haven't had much time to post. But, D has been doing so well, or so it seemed, and it all has seemed so encouraging.  His new house manager has been driving him back and forth to work as well as any other place he's gone,..mainly meetings, or anywhere they and other house residents went to do whatever.  I've heard from  him frequently, and although he was struggling at first, he kept sounding better and better.  He got the prescription for the Naltrexone and he was going to fill it today, when he had the day off from work.  I'd thought (and even suggested) he fill it sooner,...but whatever, he hadn't yet.
    Early this evening, I was at our end of the year faculty party, having a great time....and my cell phone rang.  It was D, ...sounded horrible, almost crying...said he had bad news...he'd used again.  WTF.  He was also kicked out of his sober living house...the new one, when it was discovered last night, at 3 a.m., that he was gone.  He'd gone out in the middle of the night to a drug dealer's place.  Guess the house manager doesn't have his car key?  Didn't even ask about that detail.   He was at a Walmart parking lot, had nowhere to go, was hotter than hell, is southern FLA., and yes, quite brutal heat right now.  Apparently, he'd been driving around or just sitting in the car all day, other than going to a meeting in the middle of the day. 

   He said that he'd not called or texted me earlier, because he didn't want to ask for help, but didn't know what to do, where to go, etc..  He said he had about $7, that the house manager had the rest of the $ from his paycheck and they wouldn't give it to him, nor give him his medicine either...they had that at the house.  They'd told him he could come back into the house on Mon., but not until then.  He started to cry, said he didn't know what he would do, that he was so hot, that he'd thrown up earlier from the heat...or thought that must be why.   He said all of the regretful things that we're all used to them saying. I know that he meant it, ..but , know what I mean.  I didn't want to hear it at that point, even if I thought he did mean it.   I told him I was at the party, call his father,...I'd talk to him later once I'd left the party.  I did call him was more of the same conversation.

    Bottom line, he texted me back again, after our 2nd conversation on my way from the party.  He said that he was so hot, that he needed a shower so bad....could we just give him $40 to try to find somewhere to stay for tonight ?  I'd already suggested he try to find a public shelter that would take him and to call his sponsor.  He said that he'd already talked to him, and that the sponsor told him that he probably couldn't be let into a shelter since he had a car....that there were many other people in much more need than him so that they wouldn't take him.  His sponsor told him that maybe he was right where he needed to be right now.

   S (my husband) and I talked and decided that we wouldn't help him,....that he was going to have to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot in the heat, for the weekend.  He's supposed to work tomorrow, so I am hoping he'll go, and at least have AC and be able to get something to eat there too.  I have no idea if he has work clothes with him or what that situation is.  I also know he doesn't have a car charger for his phone, so don't know if his cell phone charge will run out and then he won't even be able to tell us where he is or if he's o.k..

   I am now sitting out on our deck on a balmy and beautiful summer night, typing this ....picturing D in a crappy car in the heat....with nowhere to go,...and not doing well mentally...meaning depressed.  Mind you, my husband is a 26 yr. Marine, and references what all our young guys are feeling for heat in Afghanistan right now,...telling me that D will be o.k..  S also understands addiction and what's needed for recovery very well, and is hoping that this weekend will make a difference for D,...that we finally will not help him in this "time of need" that he's created.  

    I say "homeless for the weekend" because his sober living home has already told him that he can move back in on Monday.  But, I'm sick,....just sick, sitting here, picturing him there.  S is here with me, also playing some music, and seems to be able to cope with this so much better than me.  Don't get me wrong, he loves our son as much as I do, but I'm just wired in a way that this is still so so so  hard for me.

     I'm just so tired of this....and I know you all understand.   Obviously, he still had the drug dealer's number in his phone contacts.  What does that tell you ?  Sometimes I feel so dumb for thinking that he's getting better.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Going forward ....again

 Well, no drama to report since the last post....isn't that nice ?  Since D got back to FLA. again, things seem to be going well. Of course, my info. is all obtained via D, so it's not like I necessarily know for sure, given the source and how recently he'd lied to us. But, then again, I've become quite skilled at having a feel for things with him, after a multiple years training program.  

  D is doing well and sounds very happy in the new sober living house, which just so happens, is much closer to where he works....good thing...less gas $.  He knew the people (at least most of them) in that house already, since he's been in the area since last Dec. and going to meetings since Jan..  He is quite connected with people in the area in recovery, so already knew the house manager before he moved in there, which is how he got a spot right away on last Sun. night. One big difference in the new house is that it's not just males, like his old house.....that gave me pause.  I just hate to see him get involved with a girl in early recovery.  And, even though it's less than a week, he's already talking about some girl that lives in his house who's like his "best friend",...and also happens to be "so hot".  Sigh.  He never did have problems getting a girlfriend,...just hope he focuses more on working on his recovery....and wouldn't it be great if sometime he could have a non addict girlfriend ?   He actually used to have those,...back when he was still living home....but they'd never last because he could never quit using. 

   He just sounds very very happy,...but that makes me feel a bit of concern though, although not as much as when he's depressed and miserable,..not even close.  My concern is that whole pink cloud thing,....who was it just discussing this on a blog ?  I mean, geez....he was just miserable and sobbing on the phone on Sun. night.....that's him though, so zero to 60.  I do know that when he is really working on his recovery, he's so happy about it,...that's been consistent every time. He did say he'd also been struggling too, but is getting through it each day. I know he's having a lot of support in that effort by the house manager helping him, as well, of course, by his sponsor. 

   He is going to start on the Naltrexone, so I'm very interested to see how that will go....if he feels a difference, etc..  I did hear that it can cause fatigue, but now that he does take medication for ADHD again (Vyvanse), which is a stimulant, that should help with fatigue.  He'd forgotten (I hadn't) how much the Vyvanse helped him. When he started taking it again, he texted me and said..."oh my God, the Vyvanse is's so much easier for me to be at work,..amazing".   Ever since he was little and first took medication for ADHD, I used to think he should be on a commercial for helps him so very very much.  He's sensitive to a substance.....geez,...ya think ?  So, that can work in both ways....for the negative (as we all know so well), but also positively, when he takes a legitimate medication to help make his brain work in the correct way.       I see that as a teacher so much....with ADD/ADHD.  I look at the kids who are so affected by it...whose parents won't give them medication that could help them, ...and as a result, they continue to struggle and feel bad about themselves.  And I many of them will become addicts ?  Meanwhile, if they had asthma or something else, their parents would give them medication for that in a heartbeat....even something new that just came on the market,...compared with something that's been used for such a long time as the medications used to treat ADHD.  O.K., my soapbox here on that, but the media has put out so much misleading info. to the public on ADHD that it really saddens me.  We have a long way to go until it's understood without the misconceptions that are so common. 

     So, for now....for today, I'm feeling a sense of relief, and hope it's not short lived, because we really could use it, after these years.  Of course, of course....I don't think that it's not going to continue to be a significant struggle for D.  I'm just enjoying today...and hopefully, the weekend.  I'm just LOVING that he doesn't have ANY court date looming in the future right now. WOW. There have only been 3 mo.s since June 2008 that he didn't have court dates coming up and those 3 yr.s of that weighing on us (at least for me) was always a worry. His active using (ugh, and dealing), and the chaos and pain related to that was even worse though.     It feels weird to know that he doesn't have court coming.  He does have to get the comm. svc. hours (only 25) done , and mail the documentation to prove it up to the court here though.   I'm going to try to not mention it to him and see if he'll mention it to me.  I know this is pathetic, but it won't be easy for me to not ask him about that. 

   I hope that we all can have some peace this least for a couple of days.  For those of you whose addict children are surely using, or  you don't know where they are, that peace is so much more elusive. I know it so well.  I keep all of our children in my prayers for lasting recovery. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Lucky Again

Well,....D really did luck out again went very well in court, all things considered. He was facing a felony charge of possession of cocaine, although it was all based upon circumstantial evidence. He was never found with it on him or in him, nor was at the scene when police arrived to find his friend in possession of it. Additionally, the one witness the prosecution was hoping to have (a hotel clerk) couldn't be located. However, though it was an arguable case, and could possibly have been was way too risky to do, according to D's attorney. Once we heard of the possible sentence...if convicted, from 0 to 10 years in prison!,..we all agreed.  That particular judge also, according to D's attorney, doesn't usually do criminal law(then how come he has this case today?),...there was no way to know what the judge would decide.        

So....the prosecutor and D's attorney made a deal, as is often how it goes, prior to entering the courtrooom,...and D took it. D plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of poss. of drug paraphernalia, and was therefore was convicted of it.   Obviously, that was much much better than the previous charge,..and a very good outcome, considering what the possibilities were.   We waited outside the courtroom for over 3 hr.s.  At least I graded papers for school the whole time....D paced and sat,...S(my husband) sat and also read a magazine a bit.  We've done this drill before, sadly enough...which is why I had the schoolwork with me,...I knew it could be a long time 'til we got in there. 

  Even though I knew what would happen (which was actually good) once we got in that courtroom, once D went up before the bench w/his attorney, before the judge...while standing there in his jacket and tie, looking all good and got to me, once again. I had to get out the Kleenex, just brought tears to my eyes,..and as you all know, as they say, "this isn't our first rodeo". Nah...not even close. I've been to that damn courthouse more times than I want to count or remember.  I really don't plan to go with D again,...I really don't.   It still just hit me...with him standing there....years ago, ...who'd have ever thought that he'd have ended up arrested so much, going in front of a judge repeatedly ????    I KNOW we all have been through this...looking at our kids, wondering what the hell went so wrong, even if we actually know what it all was.  And of course, it's not just one thing, but the perfect shit storm of factors.  Even still, wow...this much pain isn't what we still would have expected.
   Anyway, I got off my original theme here of D's outcome today being a good one....for it was.  He was very thrilled and relieved and knew just how much of a break he'd received.  His resulting penalty was only 25 hr.s of comm. svc. (can be done in FLA.), 1 yr. suspended sentence w/ 2 yr.s good behavior. Could D actually behave well for 2 whole years??  AND, no fine (yaay) with only court costs due by 6 mo.s from now.

     The 3 of us went out to lunch together, and it was nice.  A rare moment, especially these days.   Then I went with D to T.J Maxx and he got some shorts...he was thrilled, and he always did love a bargain. I know people do, but I never find anything in there for myself, unfortunately. 

  Tonight, early evening, I drove D back to the airport and he flew out, back to FLA.. In fact, he should be landing in about an hour. He's in the new sober living house, and the house manager says that he plans to even drive to and from work with D every day....since, as you's only been 5 days since he's used.  : (   And that's IF I have the facts right...who the hell knows...not me. 
   I am still grateful for what happened in court today,...for I know that D getting a felony and going to jail couldn't do anything good for him vs. what he's attempting to do in sober living, working etc..  At least, I don't think it could.  At the same time, I know that the demon of addiction lives within him, and I'm so unsure of what will happen to him in the near or distant future.  

   And that's what we all have to live with ...and get so used to...the uncertainty of it all for their (and our) future.   Acceptance of the unknown or possible future pain is what it is.   Acceptance is always the it is. 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

found a place to live !

 well...for someone who's procrastinated on blogging...this is now my 3rd blog post today. I guess I have to get it out.  While S and I sat here, wondering what would happen next, picturing D driving around with his car packed with his clothes, ...the phone rang.  It was a woman in FLA., saying that she'd just spoken with D, and had a space for him in her recovery home not far from where he'd just been kicked out of. She said that she already knew much he was active in NA around there...that he'd come to her 15 yr. anniversary recently. She told me what a great kid he was, such a really nice guy..and that's when I started to cry.  She told me..."he really really wants recovery, I know that",...more crying on my part.  Apparently, a friend of D's lives in her house (she's the house manager) and said that D had just called him, asking if he knew if there was any space at their house, that he was sobbing on the phone. Well, praise God, she had space and he was going to stay there tonight,...and hopefully, from now forward.    D was not with her at the moment,..he'd gone to a meeting with the other friend.    For the moment, I feel some relief.    I don't know why he (or any of our kids) had to have this f'ing curse of's such a demon. 
    Hopefully, he'll make his 7 a.m. flight, and we'll see him tomorrow afternoon.  This time, I'm locking my purse in the trunk of my car and putting my keys under my pillow.    This is all for one's certainly more than enough. 

relapse again.....he's out

I can't believe this...although I can.  D just called, ...he's just got kicked out of the sober living house that he's been living in since Jan..   He relapsed again this past Thurs. when he got paid, apparently, lied about how much he got paid when he handed over his paycheck $ to the house manager. He was just drug tested tonight and flunked the test, obviously. 

He was sobbing on the phone...saying what a failure he is,...that he doesn't want to live like this,..that he just wants to be happy and not feel like killing himself each day, which is what he says he does feel like. He said that he doesn't want to lie to anyone...doesn't want to keep doing this...that he did well for so long, why is it all this way again...will it ever stop ?

  He was packing his things...calling his old sponsor to see if he could stay there tonight. Meanwhile, he has a 7 a.m. flight up here tomorrow for court, and is supposed to go right back to FLA. (IF it goes well in court) on Tues. evening.   Go back to where now ??   He still has his job, but no place to live, unless he can figure that out in about 48 hr.s..

   I am sick.  I am so sad.  I am very frustrated with him, but at the same time, my heart hurts for him.  Do you understand that ?  I know that he's mentally suffering.  We are too.   I don't know what will happen now.  We've had hope for months and here he's almost in court where it actually might go o.k..  But what then ?    I don't know how to not care about my son who is so depressed and wants to stop this but can't sustain stopping it.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN MY BACK ON THAT.    I don't even know where he's going right now,..other than picturing him loading up all his clothes etc. in that shitty car, with his half tank of gas and no other money.  That car is so crappy that he doesn't even have the lighter thing where you can charge your cell maybe the charge will run out.  I am just freaking out right now.  My husband is so disgusted...he left to walk the's like he can't even talk. 

off to the cop's house

I have become quite the blogging procrastinator,....not really due to anything about D, but more because I've been overwhelmed with school work , tasks of life, etc..   Since I last posted, we did call and speak with the house manager where D lives in the sober living place in FLA., and according to him, everything D has told me is true.  Hooray for that one.   He remains on the lower level of freedom, appropriately so, and isn't bitching about that, so that's good. 
   At first, when he got back there, from what we could tell via phone calls, plus talking to the house manager, D seemed to be continuing to fight depression and was really feeling tired and down in the dumps and very regretful and somewhat overwhelmed by all that he'd done.  I also think (in my personal opinion and from experience w/him) that until a lot of that crap got out of his system all the way....he was going to continue to feel depressed and tired.     Finally, yesterday, when I spoke with him....and no, I really don't speak to him daily, but probably text with him almost daily.....he sounded really good, pretty upbeat and motivated, with energy.

  D even did reschedule his dr.s appt., which an almost 20 yr. old should be doing, of course, but you know what I mean. Such things before were not what he seemed to be able to get done, no matter what amount of time available he had. He's continuing to work 5 or usually 6 days per week at Chik Filet and it's 8 to 4, so that is a great schedule for him, allowing him to go to meetings at night.

   Once he went to the dr.(psychiatrist) , he even initiated asking him about a referral to a different therapist, for he says that he knows that he still has so much work to do to get to the root of what has been painful for him and is ready to do it.  He's told me that the therapist he's been seeing only does EMDR with him (although that's been good) but doesn't really get into any root things, real work on childhood hurts, the past, etc..  Amazingly, after ALL of the therapists he's seen and all of the treatment he's been through, he's not really gotten into any type of deep work like that too much. He has some, but not consistently and he knows it's necessary.     Additionally, he was given a presciption for Naltrexone that he hasn't filled yet.  I've been researching it, and haven't found anything but positive information on it.  If anyone reading this has any experience with using it for addiction, I'd welcome your feedback and love to know how it's worked (or not ) for your situation. 

    Meanwhile, in relation to the title of this husband and I are about to go next door to a cook out at the home of our neighbors....they've lived next door now for about 9 mo.s.   Just so happens that the husband is a police sargeant....they got the house on a short sale when our former neighbors got divorced.  (don't even get me started about how much that's happening around many people losing their former equity : ( , plus it doesn't help the property values of the rest of us...ugh).

     Well,....just so happens.....Chris (the next door neighbor cop) works in the precinct(of this whole very large city where we live) where D was arrested last fall.  Actually,  D was never found at the scene but a warrant was issued and he turned himself in.   Therefore, I'm SURE that Chris knows about it...with a warrant being served at the address next door to him....and probably knows the officer who may testify against D this coming Tues. in court, June 7th.   What are the odds that she (a female police officer) may even be at the cookout ?   This is all too much for me, but in the theme of being a decent neighbor, S (my husband) has convinced me to go over to the least for awhile.    I KNOW that D was the one that totally initiated the incidents of all of his involvement with police...of COURSE he did.  But....ugh, many things have occurred with the police that honestly, have changed the way I view them...and not for the better.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at them differently again, at least not the ones in our city...maybe with time.

     Of course, these neighbors just so happen to just love my husband....always always talking to him in the driveway, etc..   My husband is one of those guys that everyone likes like that...he really is.  (you know he must be a good guy to get along with me this many years right ?)      I swear, since D's last arrest last November, and then with him leaving for rehab. in December, especially with it being winter, I've barely said much at all to any neighbor.  I just kind of shut people out, ...I'm sure other parents of addicts that may be reading this can relate to that at some level.  

    So....I'll let you know how it goes.  I just am hoping that one of his buddies doesn't stop by the cookout at the end of his shift, coming in in uniform.....oy.  I swear I have police PTSD.    Too many times, too much pain...with police's definitely an association that I have viscerally, even if I can reason it out in a better way intellectually. 

    Thinking of and praying for you and yours..........

Thursday, June 2, 2011