He's here

Just thought I'd check in briefly.  SO busy this week !   We're gearing up to the big  day and it has been quite hectic, but in a very good way.   We've had the grooms family here since Mon. Night,..nit staying here at our house,but very close by, & getting to know them & their other family members & friends.  They're all so wonderful !   It's amazing to me,...at least 35 of them have come over here for the wedding, just think what that takes in time, effort, travel, & $$. Lots of $$ to be here.   It's beautiful, to bond these 2 families & members of different countries, all of the love of our daughter& her fiancé.  We've all been having such a wonderful time.  I'll elaborate later once the wedding is over

 So,.....onceI heard it from the house manager yesterday, that D tested clean (Yaay),  ...we gave the green light for him to come & he arrived about noon today. We had a by gathering here at our home tonight, with many family members & friends, & so far, D came through. He was pleasant & social, & polite & interacted w/ everyone's, getting to know the groom's family etc.  It would be easy for someone to be fooled into thinking it is impossible for this young man to have been smoking crack & almost homeless less than 2 weeks ago,...& very desperate.

   Please let the rest of the weekend go the way today & tonight have been for D & for us...

Decision.

Oh boy,..it really would be too much to catch up all that's happened    It's been a crazy train of a week,..let's just say that.  I have papers to grade right now before going to bed, & not much time to write.  The bottom line is that our daughter, D's big sister, is getting married in 10 days.  Therefore, we need to decide, by tomorrow, do we let him come, & be a part of this huge family event, or not,...because we can't guarantee that all will go well ?  He's supposed to be one of the ushers,...his tux is ready to be picked up next week.

 He's now (thank God) back in his original sober living house, as a result of his own attempts to get help. This was after many days of staying alone in the house he'd been living in,  with no $, & then the power shut off (since the bill wasn't paid) & he was hot (Fla. & no AC), & in the dark alone once the sun went down. This has been going on since the weekend when he couldnt go into detox & we wouldn't give him any $.  I will admit, I did have a pizza delivered that I ordered  online 2 times.

  He's desperately begging to be there.  His sister doesn't know the depths that he's recently gone to,..but does now know that he's "not been doing well recently", & is leaving it up to the judgement of S (my husband ) & me.  She does not at all want anything negative to color any of the wedding weekend, ...understandably, or to be worrying about him if he takes off in the middle of the might or causes any worry or upset,...none of us do, of course.  D says that the last thing he'd ever want I do is to "screw up" any part of this,...but is also so upset to think he'd possibly not be able to come,..for such a big family event,... as the only person of the family "not good enough to come",... his words, not mine.  S has been very much against D coming, but late last night said  that he'd go along with it, if that's what I wanted this much,..& was this important to me. Truly, I just know its because he can't stand to see my pain on this,...because it really has been ripping my heart out.  What I haven't  shared is that D recently stole $ from us during this last run/nightmare. It's so so awful,...he actually managed to get into our savings account & ripped off  almost $3,000 !!  It was there for stuff we were paying for, for the wedding,...& ironically, he himself called us & told us before it was discovered, & said to block him somehow,  that we should call the police, & he was ready to go to prison if that's what would happen,..etc., & was crying & very remorseful,..as he obviously should be !  It's weird, because S is one who goes onto the online banking site every morning,..but wasnt  checking any savings $, just checking balance, plus it was on the weekend when he's not looking at it as much.  And believe me,.it could have been worse moneywise, NOT that I'm minimizing what D did !  Quite the contrary.   S hasn't spoken to him since,...he's been SO pissed about it (no wonder)& only I have had contact with D.   No one else has known but us two, until last night when S told M, D's older brother, our oldest son. M was quite enraged, & bummed out,...& thought that no way should D be allowed to come,...& M has always been in D's corner & done SO much for him. Although, M got to a point where he's basically protected his heart & is always skeptical on D's progress at staying clean (no surprise) while also praying/hoping for his success.

  I'm so torn,...I VERYmuch want D with us,..but just as much want nothing at all to be a problem that would diminish our daughter & future son in law's big day/weekend. And not for nothing, I've been busting my butt full out for months & months to get everything done & prepare for this.  We've got all kinds of people coming from Australia (groom's family & close friends) that we've never even met yet. Not staying here in our house, but close by & will be here with is us a lot during the days leading up to the wedding, on the 29th, a week fom Saturday

 D says he'll do whatever we ask to be here,...including sleeping in our room like he did when he was 15 & his addiction problems began,...in my attempt to get some sleep & stop him from sneaking out @ night,...that he was really known for.  Oh God,..we've been dealing with this for sooo long.  I know you reading this understand.

  Your thoughts ???

A new day,....trying to have a new plan

Well....the story continues, and believe  me, I'm SO behind on explaining the back story prior to my last couple of posts, maybe I'll catch that part up at some point.  But isn't this journey of our addicts and for many parts, ours) usually convoluted,...twists and turns, not any type of straight sequence logical stuff. 

   Not knowing what would happen and sitting with our sad and fed up feelings and despair, S and I sat around and talked by the fire pit last night....listened to some more music and went to bed.  Figuring that D was out in the  night in Florida, "somehow" finding that $40,....which makes me as sick as the using....maybe more so.    I woke up to the phone ringing...early, which always tends to make my heart jump. Can you relate ?  It was D,..he said that Mark was about to pick him up, who's the guy that manages one of the sober living homes he was trying to get into (the good one, well run) and he was on his way to detox....that he was willing and wanted to go.  WOW...I was thrilled of course.  And I certainly didn't have the stomach to inquire (just didn't want to know) whether or not he ever managed to get the $40 and that last high....ugh.     I hung up and then shortly thereafter, got a text from Trish, the owner of the sober living home, telling me that D was on the way to detox and that afterward she wanted him to live in the new sober living home she's opening, a decent distance away from where he was using....and how much she just loves that kid/man (D), and she knows that he's going to get it,...and he's soooo worth it (yes, that's the way she wrote it,...obviously all humans are worth it anyway, yes?, but you know what I mean).   She said that she was going to have her foot up his ass, while throwing in some love too....and if he wasn't doing what he needed to, she was ready to drag him over to her own house and have him live with her and her family.  She doesn't live in the sober living homes,..just owns them and lives in  her own home, while having a house manager on site at each place.   Anyway, my point is.....what an amazingly blessed kid/man (more kid than man) D is,..don't ya think ??   Besides a family that loves loves loves him, at his most unlovable too,...he has a lot of people there in the community he lives in in Florida that care so much about him,...all people he knows from NA, who are willing to help  him multiple times and SEE the real him, and the core of him that wants out of his demon, but has fallen back into letting it run his life.  I could hug each one of them, and can never ever repay them for what they've done for him in the past, and are now doing again. 
.
      OK....now onto the more continuing crazy part.  As D and Trish said, Mark drove him to the detox place.  Apparently, thinking he was all set, Mark dropped D off and drove away.  No...not what you're thinking...D didn't bolt.  He went inside, and as planned, (Mark told him to say this ), D told them he wanted help for his substance abuse and felt suicidal.  The only way they'll admit you is if you're a threat to yourself or others....unless your DOC is alcohol, opiates or benzos.  Apparently, abuse of  crack isn't deemed worthy enough of immediate treatment/detox because it's not physically addictive....and more nuts of a criteria, in my view, this could not be.    So, as the paperwork is being done, into the room steps Chuck, who was originally D's sponsor in Florida, until he (Chuck) relapsed himself...ugh.  But anyway, Chuck is sober again and works at the detox place,..has for years.  And in the middle of last night when D was calling and texting everyone he knew in NA to help him,,...that he wanted to be clean, and needed a ride to detox, Chuck was one person he called. During that phone conversation, Chuck asked D if he wanted to kill himself, and D said no, he just wanted to get clean and change his life etc..   So, while D and the detox intake person are doing the paperwork, Chuck heard and contradicted D's statement of being suicidal.  WTH.   I get it that D was lying  and truly, the one thing I keep thinking is always the right choice is truth,...but then again, why undermine D getting into detox and getting help, when it's taken as much as it has for him to surrender to that process ? 

  So, then D called around again, out on the sidewalk in front of the detox place, and found 2 friends from NA that said that they were on their way to church, but would pick him up and then he could come with them.  That's what he did and then they went to a meeting afterward.  In the meantime, Trish is back on the phone, trying to find otu whether a detox in an adjacent town will take him.   So, to be continued......   Thank God for all of those people trying to  help D....

one more high....

Despite having someone reach out to him to help....after having himself walked to an NA meeting tonight,....after all was said and done, D texted me that he was going to "find $40 somehow" tonight, to get his last high...and then would probably go to detox, as was suggested and required by those trying to help him, before they would  help him...as in letting him into the sober living houses he was begging to get into.  WTF  WTF.....  Will he be in jail tonight....or worse ??  Guess he's  not going to be at the wedding after all.

Says it all...

Nightmare

.I haven't posted for a long time....for various reasons,...will save that for another time.  It's safe to say that I feel desperate tonight,....so so scared, and just desperate.  After almost 3 months clean AGAIN, D relapsed and now ..on in the hugest way, so horrifically terrible.  He's doing crack and is out of his mind.  He recently was up for 4 days straight.  He owed $500 to this dealer and all last night he begged and begged via text and then multiple phone calls for us to help him, as the dealer had him with him, against D's will....not to sound too dramatic(because it was dramatic), as in captive.  He  wouldn't let D go, and D was extremely scared and he kept begging me/us for $, which we didn't give him.  I also just started work/school again and it was the 3rd day of school and I had to be up early, and it went on and he kept calling the house phone and his dad, S, finally unhooked the house phone.    Meanwhile, I called the house manager of a sober living house he used to live in there in Florida, who cares a lot about him, and he and another guy set out to meet D and  his damn dealer at some Circle K store,...and the house manager guy, G, told me to tell D that I'd wired him money (I hadn't) and they'd meet them to give it to him.  But in the meantime, G talked to D on the phone and told him..."No, I'm not giving that guy shit", so then D took off with the dealer before they got there.  I spoke to D and told him to just stay inside the store....as it's a public place and what's the dealer  going to do to him there ?  Besides,...I know he really just wants his money, not to hurt D.  He could have stayed there to wait for G and the other guy, a huge dude, to get there....but no,...D took off with the dealer again.  It was all like out of a movie,...a bad one.  After that, G and the other guy told the dealer on the phone to just drop D off at home and they'd help him out in the morning.  G made me think that they were going to do something to get D away from the dealer, but once I texted G this morning...now I've heard nothing back from him.  He's always always been very nice to me and S, and has done a lot in the past to help D.  Obviously, I can see why he's now over it. However, I was kind of surprised that he didn't answer the phone early this evening when I called him back, and I haven't heard anything from him.  Even if he'd now said the hell with it with D, he's been understanding of what I've been going through and always helpful.  I don't normally ever call him...haven't spoken to him in many months before all of this happened last night. 

    After not hearing anything all day, and meanwhile trying to go through the day with 23 2nd graders while putting on a happy face....which is for much of the time very hard,....I finally heard from D a couple of hours ago, about 6 p.m.  He said that he'd just now got home,.....after being with the dealer all last night and all day,...mainly sitting in the guy's car.  The dealer still wouldn't let him go until they went and got D's paycheck from McDonalds,...where D, by the way, stopped showing up for work about 6 days ago, and made D give him the entire paycheck.  Now, apparently, D still owes him $200, and again, was trying to get me to give him the money.  I didn't.  I told D to get out of the house before he came back....to call a girl he's friends with and go to her apartment, and to go back tomorrow morning very early and clean up the house and get his stuff.  I was prepared to buy him a bus ticket out of town,...across Florida to another area where he has a very good friend that's been trying to encourage him to move there,...a girl, who used to live up here in VA..   The thing is...he'd been planning to go there for awhile,....when he was doing well.  It kills me that in early August he said multiple times....I really think I need to move away from here,...it's not safe for me here,...it's not a good place, and we discussed the reality of him going to the other area.  His lease was up in the end of Sept., and we'd been talking about him moving then.  We just were with him for almost 2 weeks at separate times in July, up in CT at his grandparents home, and he couldn't have been better......really couldn't have been better. He was the original D,...and was so awesome, I was so proud of him.  My wonderful father in law passed away from cancer on July 19th, and D was everything you'd want your son to be all during that time.  He was a pall bearer,...so gracious and polite to those who came to the funeral and reception afterward, so wonderful to his grandmother,...worked for hours on making 3 different photo collages of his grandfather, for his grandmother.  I could go on and on.    It's now a horror show....how did this turn so horrible so quickly ??   I know...that's the demon of addiction and crack is so so horrific.     I wished we'd got him out of there sooner...and yes, I know that drugs are everywhere....of course, but it is true that there is SO much crack right where he is,....it's offered all around there.  It would be hard to find where we live.  However, his DOC was coke here and certainly he had no problem finding it.  He actually only started doing the crack there because the cocaine was hard to find,...unbelievable.  And I know I'm rambling and sounding ridiculous...it's the addiction that's the issue, not which city has how much and which drug.

     So now.....he's saying that he's going to do something tonight to get that last $200,....he's going to rob a gas station.  I can't believe I just typed that.  I can't believe he said it, but it's true.  He's so out of his mind that I think he means it....and I'm scared,...so damn scared.  He keeps saying how I could help him and he then wouldn't do anything illegal....and no, I'm not giving him the money.  I told him to forget about paying the f'ing drug dealer....why does he give a shit about that ?  He says,...."and then I'll get one more hit" and then I'll stop and leave town tomorrow. I asked him, "ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF ?"   and yes, I KNOW...you're all are thinking, WHY are  you even talking to him???   I finally did hang up on  him.  And earlier in the conversation he talked about not caring and just wanting to die. It's disgusting what the drug does to his brain to make his thinking so opposite of what it was,....it's amazingly evil.   I even looked up the Marchman Act which Florida has, which you can file to get someone taken into custody, to go to treatment against their own will,...and if they don't comply, they're put in jail, but it's a civil action, not a criminal one.  I don't know what to do...if anything, ...but pray and pray.  My husband, S, is very much into doing nothing...and having nothing to do with it. He hates to see my suffering, that is clear, but really doesn't even want me to talk to him about it.   He is OVER IT.  He's very pissed at D and just does not want to deal with it at all and let him hit his bottom etc..  I know all about that,...for truly, we've never totally cut him off and out of our lives before....financially or communication wise.  I figure that now D doesn't even have a dollar....not even money to eat,...and although we've been helping him financially, while also worked and paid expenses too,....we're now not going to give him any money at all, for we won't help him pay for drugs.   What if his bottom is death ?  What if he hurts someone in the process of doing a crime ?...never mind doing a crime anyway ??  

      In between his using in the past week....I've talked to him when he seems to snap out of it in between....extremely remorseful etc. and says he doesn't want to be this person....he can't take hurting us anymore, etc..,....but then, obviously, he's off again.   I'm really quite beside myself tonight and oh by the way....our daughter is getting married here in town in 3 weeks...it's RIGHT around the corner and I still have a bunch of wedding detail stuff to do....which I haven't even been able to think about or do any of for 3 days now.  We have a whole lot of the groom's family coming from Australia, that we haven't even met yet, and it's all supposed to be such a joyous time.  Our daughter (or her brother) don't know anything about this yet...but obviously, they will.  D was supposed to be an usher at the wedding. We've all been looking forward to this so much....planning so many many parts of it for a year.  I can't believe the timing of it all.  Now...I don't know what will happen.  Will D be in jail ?  Will he be alive ?     My heart is hurting so much. I just had to write this.  My mind is reeling.  And while I understand how S feels right now....I also feel alone and don't want it to come between us.  He , like me, has done everything everything to help our son.   And oh God,...he was doing so well before this.  I have to tell you in another post how it all started,....and that hurts just as much.  D was trying to help someone else.....it's quite a story and it sucks.  He didn't protect himself enough...and once his stinking thinking started....THIS TIME, he didn't tell his sponsor, like he has in the past. 

    I'm asking for prayers tonight....and am sorry for rambling on so long...and I'll pray for your beloved addicts too.

Prayers needed

I can't sleep. Please....pray for Barbata's son, Keven, to make it through his crisis tonight, & to fully recover. That's what I ask. Keven needs our prayers right now, & so does our beloved friend Barbara. Good night all. Gonna give the sleeping a try, & hope tomorrow is a better day.

OMG,...I fixed it ! LOL.

Hello all ! I've kept up with reading & commenting on all of you who I read and care about so much,...but quite awhile ago, my own blog turned into what looked like Arabic or similar symbols, & I couldn't post anything, nor figure out how to fix it. It's been driving me nuts & I've tried many times to fix it,..believe me. If this post appears it's not in some type of language or symbols that I don't recognize,..but instead in English, ..then I am triumphant. Oh boy,...much to update on,...it's surely been up & down,..& the downs were farther down than before (isn't that how it works? ),...so I'll try to write again later & summarize, if I can. I hate hate this demon of addiction, as you do. But meanwhile, D is CLEAN right now, & we've just spent the best week with him we've spent in at least 5 years,...I'm sure more than that. That former great person we knew was there with us, visiting his dying grandfather,..& he couldn't have been more living & more of who he once was. He's still got a lot to work on, that's for sure,...but nevertheless,...it was very good. More later. Hoping this posts now.

Alive & well

Just so you know,...if you've heard the terrible news about the F-18 crashing here,...I'm alive and well. However, it did crash about 5 miles from my classroom where I now am. It hit right at the entrance to my older son's former apt. complex. He just moved out of there to a different place last weekend. We can see the smoke from my school here. Fortunately, the pilot & backseater ejected safely, but I'm pretty sure that there will be people dead & injured, considering it hit apartments. : ( I'm here without students, working on report cards. Therefore, I put the tv on & am watching it all. Just terrible. We're all used to these jets overhead all the time & know this could happen,....but go about our daily lives not thinking that it will. God bless those affected. As we all know well,...ya never know what each day will bring.

smiles for a POA

   I haven't posted so much,...mainly, because until today, I haven't had my laptop and can't stand writing anything of any length on the Ipad,...with the tedious "typing" it requires. Seems my laptop acquired one of the worst viruses...and despite us having the extra paid for protection guarantee from the beginning, we ending up paying out of pocket to get it all corrected. Anyway, it's fixed !!  : )

    As you know,..with addicts, there have been many ups and downs, but for now...today...D is doing WELL.  It's quite wonderful, considering what just went on with his most recent relapse.  This is a short post and I'll get to the ups and downs later. 

   But let's just say...I heard from him today and tonight.  He was attending an NA convention for the weekend. He'd gone with a bunch of guys from the sober living house he's living in. He was very enthused, and related the various things he'd experienced and attended and heard.  It was all so good, and he was so happy and telling me all about it. It was "music to my ears"...very good music, to hear him get so much out of it.

  All I can say is I'm very, very grateful.  That sums it up. 
   Continuing to pray for lasting recovery for my D and yours, from this dreadful disease.

I think he can,...I think he can...

D's still in the sober living house,...doing all that's recommended he do to work on recovery. Praise God I say. It's veeeery early on yet,,,I know. But he's taking the steps he's needing to take to work on his recovery. In the last couple of days, I've had a couple of encouraging statements from the house manager where he now is living again. One was on the phone when he said,.."D's very well liked here,..within the recovery community of people that know him. There are a lot of people that care about him & his recovery ". The other was a very short text to me last night as I was going to bed. He said,"he's doing good "

Those words meant so much to me. The guy that wrote them,,the house manager,...a very long time alcoholic, that once lived in a tent in the woods to be able to just drink all day,..gave me some peace & hope.

God bless addicts that give it away to help other addicts.

God bless my much loved son & those you love affected by addiction..including those of you that love them...

Current status

Forgive my non blogging,..after being so upset & telling the relapse woes. Amazingly, I've had another fairly new Dell laptop bite the dust, so I have to "type" on this damn IPad, which isn't really typing to me. Believe me, I appreciate that I have an IPad ,..& love the thing,..but not for typing. I only even have one because S bought me it as a surprise when my mom died suddenly last August. He was trying to do something to cheer me up.

Anyway,..I digress. D did not go to residential treatment & is still in the sober living house he went to earlier in the week. He says he feels safe there & thinks it's the best place for him to be. He used to live there last year, from January - June, when he relapsed & was kicked out, then went into a different one, from June to October. Anyway,..the house manager there also told S & D himself that he thought D just needed to focus on his recovery there (no kidding) w/out going to treatment,..where there is still a chance to use as well as then being in a male/female environment there D somehow always gets involved w/ a girl. In the meantime, our insurance. Tricare, told S that they've changed the rules since Dec 2010 (D's last rehab stint) & since D's addicted to coke & crack & they're "only" psychologically and not physically addictive,..then he wouldn't be covered for rehab treatment. I guess crack isn't a serious enough addiction ?? They only cover alcohol,benzos, or heroin addiction treatment. Good grief. I know there are other low cost treatment places, & 1 is a state funded program right near where D lives,...but there's a long waiting list to get in there. However, it would.be cheaper than the sober living place he's in now,...& unless he can come up w/his $300 part of APril's rent $ on the house he was living in,...we'll probably be paying that too. I know that us paying this $ is not at all what's recommended we do,..so I hope it really is the right thing to do. But there's no way we'll shell out thousands for a rehab again. Those days are over. He did quit his Chili's job,..although he barely was getting hours there anyway. Hopefully, at the end of 30 days, he'll find another job & start paying some of the SL house rent himself. He sounds very much like he is serious about working on his recovery,...time will tell, of course. I was going to write more, but have to go now. Will finish later. Thanks to all of you SO much for your comments & support.

Step one

First of all,...what would I do without all of you ? Really,...you're all so helpful & supportive. I really value each of your comments. We're researching options (can you relate ?),.. But in the meantime, D texted me today at the end of my school/work day (2:45), which was his waking up time. (not the actual end of my work day,..just when my students were getting ready to leave). Anyway,,...his words in the text were: "I'm done, I surrender, I can't do this anymore". Well,..I do think he meant it,.. But mind you, I've heard this before. Anyway,..he told me how no one he knows there in his recovery community would reply to his texts or calls,..no wonder. Also, the sober living house a few doors down where he used to live, now wouldn't let him in. Again,,,no surprise. He said he knew he couldn't do this alone,..and finally found one guy he knew from way back when in treatment who took his call. That guy came over & picked him up & gave him a ride & brought him where D asked to go,..the original sober living house where D used to live,...that he was kicked out of last June (2011), when he last relapsed. They took him in to stay,..& that's where he is now, thank God. My heart rests easier tonight, just to know he's not "out there", despite it being from his own choices. And really,...it's surely from D's own shitty choices. For, disease or not, he DID have choices, before he began to use again. Aagh. : (. D is well versed in the choices he had to avoid this pain & destruction. He was using those choices,...reaching out to other addicts, going to meetings,..calling his sponsor, etc.,..until,..he didn't.

So,..we're still researching where he can go for treatment. We did find more than 1 place insurance will cover totally,..we think. Need to ask more questions etc tomorrow. S(the dad) spoke with the SL house manager tonight, where D is now,..who we already know from prior time there. And, in front of D,..the house manager told S how D really doesn't need to go to yet another rehab.(would be his 5th since age 16),...but could stay there& only, only, work on his recovery for the 1st month,..w/out even working. Not really a problem since where he's been working at Chile's isn't hardly or even giving him any hours anyway. apparently , he was working too slowly as a prep cook,...but that'll happen when you're up all night getting high.
More to be continued in this drama,..I'll post where he ends up going or staying. Feels like old times. Times I had no desire to repeat.

Thanks again for listening.

It's bad

I'm too tired right now, physically & otherwise to do this all justice, but will write more tomorrow or the next day. However,..D's on a run right now in a big way,...on crack. He's been doing it for weeks now,...the first time he'd ever done it was a few weeks ago when I posted it. He took off on it like wildfire & is totally unable to stop at this point. It makes me sick writing that. He's cried,,..etc., & does agree he needs to go to treatment & says he'll go. We'll see, but he MUST. The woman who owns the sober living house where he'd been called me earlier this evening,..told me she saw him,..he looked bad. She said,..we're gonna get him out of here & into treatment as fast as we can. He IS going. Crack happened to have been her DOC, way back when,..before she started being an angel to other addicts. I love that woman. D's also got some guys there that are trying to help him too. He's very fortunate in that way. He's also recently burned some bridges in that respect. No surprise.

I'm just sick about it all,..& right now, also afraid for him, out there tonight. AND,..I have no idea where he should go, where, which one ? It's a maze. This will be his 5th rehab.

Please pray for him tonight, & I'm praying for yours. Also,..any recommendations on treatment facilities would be appreciated, but we can't spend $25,000 or more dollars. (or any thousands). Those days are gone. He is covered by Tricare insurance.

Thank you for any suggestions on the treatment place...

Free rehabs ?

Believe it or not,....not for D,...but I know one of you posted a list of rehabs that are low cost or even free. I can't find where that list is and a good friend needs it as soon as possible. Could any of you help ?

Incredibly Mean...

I just read a comment on my former neighbor/friend's Facebook page. The friend of my neighbor wrote, "favorite tweet today on Twitter,...congrats Whitney, you now have 4 days sober. ". My neighbor replied,..thanks (as in, for the laugh), ha ha ha ha.

I must say,...that really hit me,....I just got so angry, yet sad, all at the same time. And I must add,....the neighbor, former close friend, was one who was in our house about daily, when D was in his worst stages before(although he's now competing with that stage again,..hope not). She saw all of the pain & horrific things that happened. In the end, from unrelated circumstances,...not related to me much, but her marriage,...she ended up to be not much of a friend at all, & I was very hurt by it. But I digress. I just meant that she's seen a lot of addiction pain close up, from D & us. Although she wasn't the one that posted the comment,...she did laugh & go along with it,..although I'm sure she wasn't thinking of D nor me when she did. Ironically, she lives in FLA. now, in the same town that D does,..though they certainly never see each other. He used to be her # 1 babysitter for her son,...before the hell ride began, when D was someone that everyone thought was the greatest kid.

But the person who posted that was the one I'm really referring to as the mean one. I mean,,,even if you don't understand the disease aspect of addiction,...what the hell is wrong with people? Of course, I didn't keep my mouth shut( no surprise there), & commented that her "joke" was mean & disgusting,...& said,...you should pray that's not your daughter some day. Another guy/friend of my old neighbor's then commented,..."oh God,..please don't let my daughter grow up to be like Whitney". I know his comment was tongue in cheek,... Ecause really,..I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that could really ever happen. All I can say is,...neither did we, right ?

D is in the sober living house,...& his sponsor didn't "drop him" like D thought he would. D's sponsor also said that he thinks D should go to a 6mo. to 1 year treatment place. That got to me,...as well as a conversation I ad with D today,...when he said he thinks if himself as a "junkie" now. Ugh. It was awful to hear him say that & I told him not to say that &/or give it any energy. As if my suggestive "energy" can somehow sway the nearby of addiction,...sigh. D told me he continues to feel like getting high, but hasnt today nor plans to. Hed gone to 1 meeting earlier in the day & was going to another tonight I pray he's right on the not using today. That's all we've got,..right now. I'm working had on not projecting.

Praying for D's recovery & for you & yours too

Knife in the heart on Valentine's Day

Well,..part of my non posting is due to issues with my laptop & it's sudden challenge to me to getting onto blogger,..ugh Therefore, I am doing this on an IPad with the big annoyance of the "typing" on it, which is more like one finger at a time/non typing. Again,..thank you SO much for your comments,...they're just so supportive to me.

Despite the big confession that D made,...that he initiated,..& his distraught feelings then that I do know were real,..more has been revealed. When I last posted, he'd told me/us about using,..and was truly so upset,...and we learned all the fallout from it,...drums were gone,..pArt of the rent $ etc etc. He really was miserable,..was going to now turn it around, & for the past week since then, "seemed" to be doing better.

Then,. Yesterday afternoon, I was home, out of work, due to S having foot surgery & me staying home from work to help him. The phone rang,..about 2 pm,..& I answered , hearing D's voice, very upset. He said he wasn't doing well at all,...started to cry on the phone. It all came out. Apparently,..despite his prior intentions(can't we all relate to this ?)! Yes,...he'd continued to use,..& it only got worse. Are you ready for this,,...he sold his CAR & had gone through all that $ on cocaine ! And yes,...it was a very crappy (POS) car ....but it was a running car that go him to work each day ! I mean,,,really ? ? And,,,he pawned other things too,...& finally, as he cried, he told me,.. "I smoked crack last night.". Not that his regular coke snorting is some benign activity,...but damn !! He said,..I can't keep doing this (no shit),... I have to do something different." So, he arranged to go back into the sober living house where he'd been, which is only 4 doors down fom hs house. God bless her, the woman who owns the SL House told him he could stay for a month for free. Thank you Trish. ! Meanwhile, his rent's paid & the 2 new roommates are over in his house, now w/out D even there. He gave the house manager his ID card & ATM cad & his about $8 of cash.

I then talked to him today,...he had today off from work. He sounded terrible,...like e was just wallowing in it, if ya know what I mean. Right now.I'm just very over it & fed up & pissed off. As has been said,..it's much easier to detach this way. I don't know what will be, obviously. . .....

The downhill roll

D's not good. I do think he truly wants to be better, but is more depressed & just texted me this : (in reply to my text " How ya doing now ? You ok ?"). He said " not really. I might need to go to the psych ward or treatment or somewhere. I'm at a meeting. I'll call you and explain a little later. ".

After 7 1/2 mo.s of being clean,...here we are again. And I did learn,...that he'd run out of his medicine & hasn't been taking it for almost 2 weeks. Coincidence ? I think not. That's what happened the last time he relapsed. Add in a breakup with the girlfriend & suddenly going off his medicine,..not a good combo.

Ironically, D's the one that told me once,...if I'm not really working on my recovery, my addiction's always pumping iron,..,waiting to work on me. No kidding. : (

So,..I'm waiting now for his call, to see what the next thing is to happen.

Thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. They mean a lot to me. You're all the only ones that truly understand.
And S and I are fine. He is not normally like what I described the other night. He's very remorseful for his words to me. He really is a loving & honorable husband,...just had to add that. Thanks for listening.

Lies, Using, Pain, Anger

 Well,...he didn't get right back on track. Another Sun. night revelation...and it's all bad,...really bad.  I talked to D earlier this evening.  He wanted to tell me the truth he said.  I've had bad feelings since the middle of this past week...and per usual, my gut was right.  Yes, he did go get that white chip last Sun.,..at least, from what I can tell, he did.  Then, he didn't use for 2 days. He stayed home from work and slept most of his days.  He called in sick on the first day, but then, fortunately, had the next day off, then called in sick on Wed..  He started using again.....through earlier today.  His new drum set is gone, all of his just received tax return is gone and part of the rent money my husband just gave him is gone. The 2 new guy roommates put in the rest of their share of the rent since they just moved in, so he says that they have the rent $ aside, ready to pay.  D and I had a conversation, in which he cried, was desperate sounding.....saying he didn't want to go on this way.  He said that he didn't do everything his sponser told him to do (obviously) and just went and started using some more. He said he can't keep going on like this....doesn't want to live this way,...doesn't want to die, "doesn't want to have us bury him".  He said that he knows it will lead to that if he keeps going,...he's going to start over, totally surrender his will, his way, etc..  It was terrible.  I went through that conversation very pissed at him in some parts, very sad in other parts,...and with my heart breaking overall.  He was going to  get off the phone, call his sponser, go to a meeting, and get another white chip.

   I got off the phone and related the conversation to my husband, S, who was watching the beginning of the Super Bowl.  After that, it went downhill between S and me.  Many things were said back and forth between us. S was really really pissed at D(understandably),....and then ended up very angry at me. He said that D was trying to just manipulate me.   He'd had a few drinks and I know that influenced what he was saying. I said something about that and then it just escalated from there.  He said terrible things to me, really bad.  He then said that I was so f'd up and was the worst enabler,....stormed upstairs.  He was screaming at me, even from upstairs and I told him to shut the bedroom window,...feeling like the neighbors were hearing all of this. 

  That's where we are now....I feel just numb.  It's amazing how addiction can still wreak it's havoc from 4 states away from the addict.  I don't know what to think.  I just don't.  I feel like D is going to keep trying to be in recovery.....but am I just naive ?   Like I said....I feel numb at the moment

A Broken Heart

  I did text and later talk to D today. At first though....hadn't heard from him again later last night, even though he'd said he'd text me after the meeting, being that he'd been so very very upset when we spoke on the phone. But, later in the evening, before I went to bed...hadn't had any text, nor did he answer mine when I texted him. So, then I called him before I went to bed....no answer. I just said a prayer for God to keep him clean tonight and went to bed, slept well.  Then., I went off to work this morning....thinking he'd wake up and see my texts and text me back...nothing.  I must admit, I started to feel that old familiar freaked out feeling at school/work. Of course, I was with the kids,....on the job, ..no time to get involved with D, but I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed, like I used to feel at school,...even felt impatient with the kids. : (   I even thought....wow,..how did I do that for so long when D was so bad, with this job ?    Of course, I was also thinking....why didn't he answer last night?...he has $,..nothing to stop him from keeping on going ,.....if he doesn't go to work today, he'll lose the job...on and on,...right back into the crazy mode. UGH.

   I went about my morning and at about only 9:30 a.m., my cell phone rang in the classroom...I hadn't put it on vibrate.  Not only that, I answered it...I knew it was him.  (Of course, the kids are thrilled if I answer the phone...go figure).  Anyway, it was D telling me he was o.k.,...that he had gone to the meeting last night and picked up a white chip. He said he wasn't going to work today...had called in sick. Obviously, with me being in the classroom, our conversation was very brief.

  Later, early this evening, he called,...said he'd slept until 4 p.m., and finally had come home to his house. He'd stayed overnight at the sober living house he used to live in, which is only 5 houses away from his. He knows everyone there and didn't want to be alone.  I was glad he'd gone there,...and that he'd had it to go to. He said that he felt like still sleeping some more,...sounded quite sad.  I asked him what he was most sad about and he said, "that she's gone."   He said that he was going to go to an 8 p.m. meeting though (GOOD).    He has the next 2 days off from work, which isn't typical,..usually only has 1 off sometime during the week.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...having the next 2 days off.  I'd say,...not a good thing,...not that my opinion on that is either here nor there.

  Basically....the "boy" has a broken heart, despite the fact that he ended the relationship...regarding calling it what it was and saying it had to stop. But really, Stacy ended it when she stopped caring about him the way she had before. He did still care about her, want to be with her,..just wanted her to still be into it....thus, he's feeling quite heartbroken. I'm sure that most of us have gone through this at one time or another, or more than that,..and truly, it does suck.  I remember it.  Just that our addicts don't do very well with those heartbreaking feelings, as we know.

  He also said that he'd had about 15 voice mails today, from various people that know what happened and are concerned about him,...he hadn't answered the phone at all.  I pointed out how many people cared about him...people that he hadn't even known a little over a year ago.  I am grateful for them,....addicts caring about other addicts.  Thank God for them.

   I am grateful for all of YOU.  I so appreciate your comments on last night's post.  Lou...you really summed it up.  And yes, I do really know about the relapses...and don't believe that it's unusual.  I also know that D is doing what he needs to do (hopefully) from what he's progressed to in his recovery.  I say hopefully, because I'm not there, and one really never knows.  But D did say,..."Mom, I had a choice....and I chose the wrong thing.  I always have a choice."   Let's hope he makes the next right one...and keeps making them after that too.

   Hoping that your loved ones will be doing the same as well.  Thank you again for your words of support , etc..  Don't know what I'd have done without my bloggie peeps these past years...you've been and continue to be the best.

Doesn't Pay to Procrastinate

Hi all,.....seems like way too long since I've written here.  I keep meaning to, and certainly keep reading and commenting upon your blogs daily, but haven't updated my own. Actually, between "stuff" I always need to get done between work and home,...there never seems to be enough time. (Don't even get me going on my job....the sucker up of all available time.)So....I'd planned to finally, finally, sit down and post this tonight....as I am. 

 Anyway......D has continued to do VERY well.....it has been more amazing that I can really describe. In fact, that even actually made me a bit hesitant to post.  With Annette, Barbara, VJ, Dee, Anna, Terri's and many others' sons/daughters still using, or out there somewhere (like Helga's daughter)...it actually made me feel sad in another way to post how well D is doing.  How codependent am I??  Now I'm not sharing because I'm too worried about all of you.  But then, ....I think it may have been Her Big Sad that did make me realize....it can give hope to others too,...that YES, they can and really will "get it" and make the necessary steps and keep working on recovery, and WOW, what beautiful things can emerge from that.  Beautiful is the only word for it,....my husband says that same word....it best describes what it's been like. 

   To be apt about the description,...here's what we've been seeing,...for quite awhile now, and D's had 7 mo.s clean thus far.  He's continued to work at his job and other than that, work on his recovery...about 5 or 6 meetings per week...sometimes more. He's become connected to the recovery community there, and has many friends now, male friends that are clean for awhile ( 1 for 5 yr.s !) that he can hang out with.  He's bought (yes, HIS own $) a drum kit again and is playing drums and jamming with some other guys regularly,...which he was so into back when. He'd lost all of that to drugs,..the time to do it, the passion for it,...and even the actual drums ...everything,..he'd pawned.  But, I digress.   He has continued to live with "Stacy"...and that relationship was pretty stable and o.k., from what we could tell,...for awhile anyway. (more on them later)     But, overall...he's just progressed to where he acts SO much more mature, more thoughtful, more understanding, giving, patient, ...you name it.  I can laugh with him again,.....can say whatever to him and he's NOT at all defensive, and doesn't react angrily....AT ALL.  It's just beyond what I can really articulate well.  He takes "life on life's terms" as he's said from an NA/AA term,...and although many times, things haven't been easy, he continues on....doing the next right thing.  NA has saved him....given him a new life, and it's been an incredible thing to see my original, real D come back.  He's been planning ahead now, getting things done ....will begin community college in June....he's done all of the looking into things, finding out info., etc..

So....then I'd noticed from things he'd say on the phone, and when we recently saw him around Jan. 1st (in New Orleans...of all places, for an addict, yikes), that things seemed dysfunctional between D and Stacy.  Stacy comes off as a quite confident young woman, but she's also a recovering addict who I know (from D) has had a very very tough journey...and has done some horrible things and had horrible experiences. She's a recovering heroin addict and that weekend in New Orleans, I learned she used to also be a stripper. I know...not that surprising, with a female addict,...I don't mean judgment on that, truly,..just have a heart for all that Stacy's gone though. But between the 2 of them, Stacy seemed to dominate D, and it struck me that there was an unbalanced relationship...as I'd perceived from things D had already said in passing to me about them. 

 Going forward to more recently...things weren't going well between them , and D was unhappy about it. They had become more distant from each other, and she was irritable toward him and critical.  They discussed their issues etc., and finally Stacy admitted that she didn't feel for D what she had felt before,....so now what ?  So then, earlier this week, D told Stacy that he couldn't do this anymore, if she wasn't "into him"...that he deserved more...that he didn't have to keep going on like this, and told her they were through....broke up with her. So, all this past week, it's been difficult and Stacy moved out,...going to live with her sponsor and another young woman they both know.   D seemed to be (incredibly) taking it well,...was calm about it , but certainly not happy about any of it,..not at all.   However, he quickly pursued finding other roommates...2 guys in recovery he knows, and they're supposed to move in next weekend.  I /we were kind of amazed how well he was taking it all, despite the fact that he texted me last Fri. night that he wanted to use...and to please pray for him. I did !! 

But, he did just what he should do. He tried to contact his sponsor, who couldn't be reached due to being away skiing, out of cell phone reach, which was very atypical. But D reached out to others he knows there in recovery, went and spent time with them, went to meetings, has been doing OK, considering the circumstances.   Then,...just this weekend, all of this got even worse. Stacy has already moved out and D's been in the house there alone since the new guys haven't moved in yet. Apparently, Friday night (two days ago), it really all hit him harder and he was really very very sad and having a much harder time emotionally about it all.  Yet, he seemed to be hanging in there and last night, he called me in the late afternoon, saying that 2 of his friends were coming over soon to jam. He even said that he was doing some planning to make sure that he was going to fill his time in a way that was good for him, especially with Stacy being gone.  In fact, just recently, he'd been asked to go and represent NA at a hospital program for teenagers (14 - 18 yr. olds) who are addicts....to speak to them, ..tell his story etc..  He was so happy to be selected to do this...and would be going each week. Here he is only 20 himself, but that was a reason that maybe he could make some difference. His words were, "Maybe what I'll say will go in one ear and out the other, but maybe one of them will listen to me. And even if they don't,...it'll help keep me clean, so that's good. "  As I said, a beautiful thing to hear for us.

  So....early this evening, I got a phone call from D.  He was crying,...so much so that I could barely understand what he was saying.  His words:  "Mom, I got high last night.  I can't believe I did it...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,...I'm so sorry I let you  down.  I'm so sorry I let everyone down.  Oh my God." etc.etc.....sobbing and sobbing.  : (

  We talked more...his dad got on the phone after me. I swear, it was more a thing of us trying to comfort him and having him stop beating himself up.  He was so distraught.  I don't think I've heard him this way in....well, I can't remember when.  He said he was going to go to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip,...that he was so embarrassed, etc..  He said that after the guys were there playing music last night, he didn't share how he was feeling with them,...that he left the house, went to a very bad part of town and starting asking random people/strangers where to find drugs(cocaine).  He also said that his sponsor had told him to F__  jamming with those guys and to go to a damn meeting...or he was going to end up high.  Apparently, he'd missed a meeting the night before too.  Sigh.

 So...that's the current state of our union.  I'm praying that D will forgive himself and just keep going forward and do what he was doing before all of this hit him emotionally in the last week.  I also hope he uses this experience to help him KNOW beyond all doubt how slippery it can all be,...and SO quickly too.  That he has to always guard his recovery, especially during the bumps in the road.  There will always be bumps in the road.     So....I procrastinated on telling you all the good news,...and now there is bad news again.  : (  Please keep D in your prayers.