.I haven't posted for a long time....for various reasons,...will save that for another time. It's safe to say that I feel desperate tonight,....so so scared, and just desperate. After almost 3 months clean AGAIN, D relapsed and now ..on in the hugest way, so horrifically terrible. He's doing crack and is out of his mind. He recently was up for 4 days straight. He owed $500 to this dealer and all last night he begged and begged via text and then multiple phone calls for us to help him, as the dealer had him with him, against D's will....not to sound too dramatic(because it was dramatic), as in captive. He wouldn't let D go, and D was extremely scared and he kept begging me/us for $, which we didn't give him. I also just started work/school again and it was the 3rd day of school and I had to be up early, and it went on and he kept calling the house phone and his dad, S, finally unhooked the house phone. Meanwhile, I called the house manager of a sober living house he used to live in there in Florida, who cares a lot about him, and he and another guy set out to meet D and his damn dealer at some Circle K store,...and the house manager guy, G, told me to tell D that I'd wired him money (I hadn't) and they'd meet them to give it to him. But in the meantime, G talked to D on the phone and told him..."No, I'm not giving that guy shit", so then D took off with the dealer before they got there. I spoke to D and told him to just stay inside the store....as it's a public place and what's the dealer going to do to him there ? Besides,...I know he really just wants his money, not to hurt D. He could have stayed there to wait for G and the other guy, a huge dude, to get there....but no,...D took off with the dealer again. It was all like out of a movie,...a bad one. After that, G and the other guy told the dealer on the phone to just drop D off at home and they'd help him out in the morning. G made me think that they were going to do something to get D away from the dealer, but once I texted G this morning...now I've heard nothing back from him. He's always always been very nice to me and S, and has done a lot in the past to help D. Obviously, I can see why he's now over it. However, I was kind of surprised that he didn't answer the phone early this evening when I called him back, and I haven't heard anything from him. Even if he'd now said the hell with it with D, he's been understanding of what I've been going through and always helpful. I don't normally ever call him...haven't spoken to him in many months before all of this happened last night.
After not hearing anything all day, and meanwhile trying to go through the day with 23 2nd graders while putting on a happy face....which is for much of the time very hard,....I finally heard from D a couple of hours ago, about 6 p.m. He said that he'd just now got home,.....after being with the dealer all last night and all day,...mainly sitting in the guy's car. The dealer still wouldn't let him go until they went and got D's paycheck from McDonalds,...where D, by the way, stopped showing up for work about 6 days ago, and made D give him the entire paycheck. Now, apparently, D still owes him $200, and again, was trying to get me to give him the money. I didn't. I told D to get out of the house before he came back....to call a girl he's friends with and go to her apartment, and to go back tomorrow morning very early and clean up the house and get his stuff. I was prepared to buy him a bus ticket out of town,...across Florida to another area where he has a very good friend that's been trying to encourage him to move there,...a girl, who used to live up here in VA.. The thing is...he'd been planning to go there for awhile,....when he was doing well. It kills me that in early August he said multiple times....I really think I need to move away from here,...it's not safe for me here,...it's not a good place, and we discussed the reality of him going to the other area. His lease was up in the end of Sept., and we'd been talking about him moving then. We just were with him for almost 2 weeks at separate times in July, up in CT at his grandparents home, and he couldn't have been better......really couldn't have been better. He was the original D,...and was so awesome, I was so proud of him. My wonderful father in law passed away from cancer on July 19th, and D was everything you'd want your son to be all during that time. He was a pall bearer,...so gracious and polite to those who came to the funeral and reception afterward, so wonderful to his grandmother,...worked for hours on making 3 different photo collages of his grandfather, for his grandmother. I could go on and on. It's now a horror show....how did this turn so horrible so quickly ?? I know...that's the demon of addiction and crack is so so horrific. I wished we'd got him out of there sooner...and yes, I know that drugs are everywhere....of course, but it is true that there is SO much crack right where he is,....it's offered all around there. It would be hard to find where we live. However, his DOC was coke here and certainly he had no problem finding it. He actually only started doing the crack there because the cocaine was hard to find,...unbelievable. And I know I'm rambling and sounding ridiculous...it's the addiction that's the issue, not which city has how much and which drug.
So now.....he's saying that he's going to do something tonight to get that last $200,....he's going to rob a gas station. I can't believe I just typed that. I can't believe he said it, but it's true. He's so out of his mind that I think he means it....and I'm scared,...so damn scared. He keeps saying how I could help him and he then wouldn't do anything illegal....and no, I'm not giving him the money. I told him to forget about paying the f'ing drug dealer....why does he give a shit about that ? He says,...."and then I'll get one more hit" and then I'll stop and leave town tomorrow. I asked him, "ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF ?" and yes, I KNOW...you're all are thinking, WHY are you even talking to him??? I finally did hang up on him. And earlier in the conversation he talked about not caring and just wanting to die. It's disgusting what the drug does to his brain to make his thinking so opposite of what it was,....it's amazingly evil. I even looked up the Marchman Act which Florida has, which you can file to get someone taken into custody, to go to treatment against their own will,...and if they don't comply, they're put in jail, but it's a civil action, not a criminal one. I don't know what to do...if anything, ...but pray and pray. My husband, S, is very much into doing nothing...and having nothing to do with it. He hates to see my suffering, that is clear, but really doesn't even want me to talk to him about it. He is OVER IT. He's very pissed at D and just does not want to deal with it at all and let him hit his bottom etc.. I know all about that,...for truly, we've never totally cut him off and out of our lives before....financially or communication wise. I figure that now D doesn't even have a dollar....not even money to eat,...and although we've been helping him financially, while also worked and paid expenses too,....we're now not going to give him any money at all, for we won't help him pay for drugs. What if his bottom is death ? What if he hurts someone in the process of doing a crime ?...never mind doing a crime anyway ??
In between his using in the past week....I've talked to him when he seems to snap out of it in between....extremely remorseful etc. and says he doesn't want to be this person....he can't take hurting us anymore, etc..,....but then, obviously, he's off again. I'm really quite beside myself tonight and oh by the way....our daughter is getting married here in town in 3 weeks...it's RIGHT around the corner and I still have a bunch of wedding detail stuff to do....which I haven't even been able to think about or do any of for 3 days now. We have a whole lot of the groom's family coming from Australia, that we haven't even met yet, and it's all supposed to be such a joyous time. Our daughter (or her brother) don't know anything about this yet...but obviously, they will. D was supposed to be an usher at the wedding. We've all been looking forward to this so much....planning so many many parts of it for a year. I can't believe the timing of it all. Now...I don't know what will happen. Will D be in jail ? Will he be alive ? My heart is hurting so much. I just had to write this. My mind is reeling. And while I understand how S feels right now....I also feel alone and don't want it to come between us. He , like me, has done everything everything to help our son. And oh God,...he was doing so well before this. I have to tell you in another post how it all started,....and that hurts just as much. D was trying to help someone else.....it's quite a story and it sucks. He didn't protect himself enough...and once his stinking thinking started....THIS TIME, he didn't tell his sponsor, like he has in the past.
I'm asking for prayers tonight....and am sorry for rambling on so long...and I'll pray for your beloved addicts too.
After not hearing anything all day, and meanwhile trying to go through the day with 23 2nd graders while putting on a happy face....which is for much of the time very hard,....I finally heard from D a couple of hours ago, about 6 p.m. He said that he'd just now got home,.....after being with the dealer all last night and all day,...mainly sitting in the guy's car. The dealer still wouldn't let him go until they went and got D's paycheck from McDonalds,...where D, by the way, stopped showing up for work about 6 days ago, and made D give him the entire paycheck. Now, apparently, D still owes him $200, and again, was trying to get me to give him the money. I didn't. I told D to get out of the house before he came back....to call a girl he's friends with and go to her apartment, and to go back tomorrow morning very early and clean up the house and get his stuff. I was prepared to buy him a bus ticket out of town,...across Florida to another area where he has a very good friend that's been trying to encourage him to move there,...a girl, who used to live up here in VA.. The thing is...he'd been planning to go there for awhile,....when he was doing well. It kills me that in early August he said multiple times....I really think I need to move away from here,...it's not safe for me here,...it's not a good place, and we discussed the reality of him going to the other area. His lease was up in the end of Sept., and we'd been talking about him moving then. We just were with him for almost 2 weeks at separate times in July, up in CT at his grandparents home, and he couldn't have been better......really couldn't have been better. He was the original D,...and was so awesome, I was so proud of him. My wonderful father in law passed away from cancer on July 19th, and D was everything you'd want your son to be all during that time. He was a pall bearer,...so gracious and polite to those who came to the funeral and reception afterward, so wonderful to his grandmother,...worked for hours on making 3 different photo collages of his grandfather, for his grandmother. I could go on and on. It's now a horror show....how did this turn so horrible so quickly ?? I know...that's the demon of addiction and crack is so so horrific. I wished we'd got him out of there sooner...and yes, I know that drugs are everywhere....of course, but it is true that there is SO much crack right where he is,....it's offered all around there. It would be hard to find where we live. However, his DOC was coke here and certainly he had no problem finding it. He actually only started doing the crack there because the cocaine was hard to find,...unbelievable. And I know I'm rambling and sounding ridiculous...it's the addiction that's the issue, not which city has how much and which drug.
So now.....he's saying that he's going to do something tonight to get that last $200,....he's going to rob a gas station. I can't believe I just typed that. I can't believe he said it, but it's true. He's so out of his mind that I think he means it....and I'm scared,...so damn scared. He keeps saying how I could help him and he then wouldn't do anything illegal....and no, I'm not giving him the money. I told him to forget about paying the f'ing drug dealer....why does he give a shit about that ? He says,...."and then I'll get one more hit" and then I'll stop and leave town tomorrow. I asked him, "ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF ?" and yes, I KNOW...you're all are thinking, WHY are you even talking to him??? I finally did hang up on him. And earlier in the conversation he talked about not caring and just wanting to die. It's disgusting what the drug does to his brain to make his thinking so opposite of what it was,....it's amazingly evil. I even looked up the Marchman Act which Florida has, which you can file to get someone taken into custody, to go to treatment against their own will,...and if they don't comply, they're put in jail, but it's a civil action, not a criminal one. I don't know what to do...if anything, ...but pray and pray. My husband, S, is very much into doing nothing...and having nothing to do with it. He hates to see my suffering, that is clear, but really doesn't even want me to talk to him about it. He is OVER IT. He's very pissed at D and just does not want to deal with it at all and let him hit his bottom etc.. I know all about that,...for truly, we've never totally cut him off and out of our lives before....financially or communication wise. I figure that now D doesn't even have a dollar....not even money to eat,...and although we've been helping him financially, while also worked and paid expenses too,....we're now not going to give him any money at all, for we won't help him pay for drugs. What if his bottom is death ? What if he hurts someone in the process of doing a crime ?...never mind doing a crime anyway ??
In between his using in the past week....I've talked to him when he seems to snap out of it in between....extremely remorseful etc. and says he doesn't want to be this person....he can't take hurting us anymore, etc..,....but then, obviously, he's off again. I'm really quite beside myself tonight and oh by the way....our daughter is getting married here in town in 3 weeks...it's RIGHT around the corner and I still have a bunch of wedding detail stuff to do....which I haven't even been able to think about or do any of for 3 days now. We have a whole lot of the groom's family coming from Australia, that we haven't even met yet, and it's all supposed to be such a joyous time. Our daughter (or her brother) don't know anything about this yet...but obviously, they will. D was supposed to be an usher at the wedding. We've all been looking forward to this so much....planning so many many parts of it for a year. I can't believe the timing of it all. Now...I don't know what will happen. Will D be in jail ? Will he be alive ? My heart is hurting so much. I just had to write this. My mind is reeling. And while I understand how S feels right now....I also feel alone and don't want it to come between us. He , like me, has done everything everything to help our son. And oh God,...he was doing so well before this. I have to tell you in another post how it all started,....and that hurts just as much. D was trying to help someone else.....it's quite a story and it sucks. He didn't protect himself enough...and once his stinking thinking started....THIS TIME, he didn't tell his sponsor, like he has in the past.
I'm asking for prayers tonight....and am sorry for rambling on so long...and I'll pray for your beloved addicts too.
I stumbled upon your blog..you sound so desperate and I feel your pain. Although my daughter's crisis are different than what your in the middle of, I can also see some simliarities. I have learned techniques to calm myself when I get to the point you are right now. I go to a dark small place (usually a walk-in closet), sit on the floor and ask God to please help me find peace. I do a lot of self talk to calm my fears. For ever negative thought, I reason it out. I make sense of what it really is (drama). Don't let your mind take off on this. I've done that and it's so hard to get centered again. I know how they suck you into their crisis. I usually try to distance myself from her for a few days, and then low and behold she calls a few days later is fine. I was in the middle of my other daughters wedding when this crap was going on too. I absolutely know what your going thru. And then going to work the next day sucks too. But try to calm yourself. I don't know if any of this helps, but want you to know you are not alone. We've (POA) have been thru this and you will get thru it. I just keep waiting for that day they say we'll all look back on this crap and laugh. So far I'm not laughing
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here reading this with a lump in my throat and a heaviness in my heart. I can't even think of words. It's just a feeling of sympathy and strength I am sending your way.
ReplyDeleteThere is a time when you must take care of yourself and your life becomes important too. That was how it was for us. Take care and don't let your son manipulate you. He seems to be in a very bad place but I'm not sure there is much Mom and Dad can do right now. I hope for him to have a profound experience that allows him to see life as it can be and not what he is experiencing.
Where there is life there is hope.
I am in tears!!! I can totally feel your pain, fear, anguish...
ReplyDeleteThey (addicts) will NEVER understand what they do to us. Your son is my son. I have always felt this strange connection to you and your son. Maybe it is our name, our boys' age, our occupation...whatever it is, you and D are in my heart. I can only imagine what you must be going through with planning a wedding and worrying about the life of your boy at the same time. I've fallen for that "I owe my dealer" crap far too many times to be logical. I've since learned that dealers don't deal for free, or on credit. My son bought from a big time thug on a corner of the inner city...yes, my lily white, suburban child made drugs deals with gangs. CRAZY!!!!! There is no way in hell that guy would give my son anything on credit when he has plenty of people with cash in hand.
You are in my prayers. I'm so sorry.
My heart is just breaking for you right now. How many times I have sat right where you are now and felt so hopeless, scared and alone. It's a terrible place to be and I'm so very sorry. The others are so right, though. As hard as it is, you have to find some calm in this chaos. Not for your son but for you. It's so hard to focus on ourselves when our kids are so out of control but my husband often reminds me that if something happens to me...my son would never recover. You have a family who loves you and needs you. I'm sure you have goals and dreams that are all your own, too. You matter and you have to remember that. It's okay to take a step back. You can't control what your son is doing. The best you can do is to love him from a distance until he is ready for help and in the mean time focus on the things you can control. I know that's easier said than done...I struggle with the same things daily.
ReplyDeleteI send prayers for strength, peace, comfort and healing for you, your family and your precious son.
My heart is heavy - I feel your pain and have been there far to many times. You must take care of yourself! This drug makes them crazy and they will say just about anything to get your attention and then the next call....all can be fine.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going thru this! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sending hope and strength your way!
God of Mercy, give Your strength to D, who is bound by the chains of addictions. Enfold him in your love and and restore him to sobriety. Lord, look with compassion on all those who have lost their health and freedom to alcohol and drugs. Restore to them the assurance of Your unfailing mercy, and strengthen them in the work of recovery. To those who care for them, grant patient understanding and a love that perseveres. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you for your comments. They are a comfort to me. And Hattie,...thank you for that very beautiful prayer. Not my boy,...I know what you mean about our sons & connection. And really, from all I can tell, the dealer did front him the drugs, all because of a previous time when D was getting $ in the morning & came through with it, but this time was just bullshitting. : (
ReplyDeletePraying hard for you to find some peace and calmness in this chaos. Praying for D.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. This is heart breaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beloved son.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this. I am thinking of you. Please take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI have been checking back hoping that you have a new post and that things have somewhat resolved. I am praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. I'll write you instead of comment.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know, I will write more later.. just about to have company, but please know I am thinking of you.. and D. Please give us an update. HUGS, Kelly
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry...Oh how I know what this feels like. Not many people can say that but truly I do and I hurt for you and I am very scared for you both. I am thinking of you. I am sorry that I have not commented recently. I have tried to distance myself from all things addiction but I realize that was not such a good idea. We can only find some solace with those who know what desperate really is.
ReplyDeleteThank you all SO much for your love & empathy. I'll try to post later tonight or tomorrow. So much has happened this week that I couldn't keep up with dealing with D, my job ( which is in itself more than enough to handle in itself right now) & doing all the wedding stuff too as the date nears,...only 2 weeks ! Summary is,..he, yes D himself,..tried to get help & brought himself to a sober living house on Wed. night, which was GOOD & then through a series of events yesterday, was off & running again last night using. : (. I haven't had any info yet today on him nor heard from anyone else who'd been trying to help him. I'm just sick & scared right now I'll post & explain it all later. It's nuts.
ReplyDeleteBeach - I am so sorry to read this and I know how heart broken you must be...along with being downright frightened for your son. I'm sending you peace and strength and prayers, hoping it will help.
ReplyDeleteTry to be well.
Thank you Dee,...very much
ReplyDeleteHow the heck did I miss this? I am so sorry to be so late coming into this conversation....
ReplyDeleteYou have already received so many wonderful, loving comments, I won't add to those....other than to say my heart is really going out to you right now. Focus on what you can and have faith for the rest...we are powerless over our kids choices.
Thank you Annette. As you know our community of bloggers make so much difference in being held up during these times. It's SO appreciated.
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