Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Decision.

Oh boy,..it really would be too much to catch up all that's happened    It's been a crazy train of a week,..let's just say that.  I have papers to grade right now before going to bed, & not much time to write.  The bottom line is that our daughter, D's big sister, is getting married in 10 days.  Therefore, we need to decide, by tomorrow, do we let him come, & be a part of this huge family event, or not,...because we can't guarantee that all will go well ?  He's supposed to be one of the ushers,...his tux is ready to be picked up next week.

 He's now (thank God) back in his original sober living house, as a result of his own attempts to get help. This was after many days of staying alone in the house he'd been living in,  with no $, & then the power shut off (since the bill wasn't paid) & he was hot (Fla. & no AC), & in the dark alone once the sun went down. This has been going on since the weekend when he couldnt go into detox & we wouldn't give him any $.  I will admit, I did have a pizza delivered that I ordered  online 2 times.

  He's desperately begging to be there.  His sister doesn't know the depths that he's recently gone to,..but does now know that he's "not been doing well recently", & is leaving it up to the judgement of S (my husband ) & me.  She does not at all want anything negative to color any of the wedding weekend, ...understandably, or to be worrying about him if he takes off in the middle of the might or causes any worry or upset,...none of us do, of course.  D says that the last thing he'd ever want I do is to "screw up" any part of this,...but is also so upset to think he'd possibly not be able to come,..for such a big family event,... as the only person of the family "not good enough to come",... his words, not mine.  S has been very much against D coming, but late last night said  that he'd go along with it, if that's what I wanted this much,..& was this important to me. Truly, I just know its because he can't stand to see my pain on this,...because it really has been ripping my heart out.  What I haven't  shared is that D recently stole $ from us during this last run/nightmare. It's so so awful,...he actually managed to get into our savings account & ripped off  almost $3,000 !!  It was there for stuff we were paying for, for the wedding,...& ironically, he himself called us & told us before it was discovered, & said to block him somehow,  that we should call the police, & he was ready to go to prison if that's what would happen,..etc., & was crying & very remorseful,..as he obviously should be !  It's weird, because S is one who goes onto the online banking site every morning,..but wasnt  checking any savings $, just checking balance, plus it was on the weekend when he's not looking at it as much.  And believe me,.it could have been worse moneywise, NOT that I'm minimizing what D did !  Quite the contrary.   S hasn't spoken to him since,...he's been SO pissed about it (no wonder)& only I have had contact with D.   No one else has known but us two, until last night when S told M, D's older brother, our oldest son. M was quite enraged, & bummed out,...& thought that no way should D be allowed to come,...& M has always been in D's corner & done SO much for him. Although, M got to a point where he's basically protected his heart & is always skeptical on D's progress at staying clean (no surprise) while also praying/hoping for his success.

  I'm so torn,...I VERYmuch want D with us,..but just as much want nothing at all to be a problem that would diminish our daughter & future son in law's big day/weekend. And not for nothing, I've been busting my butt full out for months & months to get everything done & prepare for this.  We've got all kinds of people coming from Australia (groom's family & close friends) that we've never even met yet. Not staying here in our house, but close by & will be here with is us a lot during the days leading up to the wedding, on the 29th, a week fom Saturday

 D says he'll do whatever we ask to be here,...including sleeping in our room like he did when he was 15 & his addiction problems began,...in my attempt to get some sleep & stop him from sneaking out @ night,...that he was really known for.  Oh God,..we've been dealing with this for sooo long.  I know you reading this understand.

  Your thoughts ???

11 comments:

  1. Dawn,

    Been exactly in your shoes. I don't have an answer for this question so I am just going to share what we did with our daughters wedding. Some different circumstances but the decision was just as agonizing.

    Our daughter wanted to get married on the beach in Mexico so we set out to make that happen for her. This was while our son was active addiction.

    Darlene and I struggled so hard, one minute take him next minute leave him home. We knew the risks plus if he got to Mexico and took something with him or tried to score drugs he could even end up in a Mexico Prison.

    Long and short of it we took him with us. He stayed in our room. We did not get to enjoy as much as we wanted because of the stress of our worry. We stayed in a secure resort and our rule was that if he left that resort we'd leave him in Mexico. Maybe that scared him.

    Our thought process was that our daughters marriage was a life event. Alex, despite what he was doing was our son and her sister. If he got clean then he would be a part of this family celebration we can look back too. If not it would be just another of effort of mom and dad to try living an impossible dream.

    No one knows the future but today Alex is clear and sober. He does talk with pride of attending his sister's wedding in Mexico.

    That is what we did and I am sure you have thought of all these things too. We are glad we took him but I am so sure that if it had not turned out the way it did we would re-live the nightmare for the rest of our life and our daughter would never live her dream day.

    Wish there was an answer I could give for certain.

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  2. Thank you for your comment. It is SO damn tough to decide.

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  3. I struggled with this for little brothers 5th grade graduation and that was long before B was on hard drugs but he would promise little brother he would show up and then wouldn't. I can't imagine agonizing over a Wedding when I felt the way I did with that.

    The good news he is not using right now. 7 days is a long time for an addict and if he is still clean then I would bring him. Keep a damn close eye on him, he sleeps with you and under no circumstances can he leave without you. If he agrees to that then he gets on the next plan when its over and goes back to S.L.

    I don't know what I would do. Yes, honestly I do, I would take the chance and pray that I made the right decision.

    My heart goes out to you.

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  4. I don't envy your decision. One of my thoughts is, if he does attend, have someone to keep an eye on any wedding money that comes in. Weddings around here usually have a wishing well, or something like that where people put money gifts during the reception. Just having that around MY son would freak me out.

    You are in such a tough position. On the one hand, it would be wonderful to enjoy the weekend without the stress of babysitting your adult child. On the other hand, I can't imagine not having all your children in attendance at such a major family event.

    How on earth was he able to get into your bank account??? This just sent chills down my spine. I need to know how he did it so I can protect myself from my own son. UGH!

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  5. What a hard decision! And, I guess I am so tainted.. I would say to D the consequences of his recent choices means you can't come. But, that's me and I have been through the wringer and back and I would about triggers and I would want to be there 100% percent present for the one getting married. Again, that's just me. I don't envy your decision!
    On a smaller scale, it was my son graduation party. I was sooo excited, because in reality it was my first one graduating in a normal way and my only one. And Emily wanted to come and placed a lot of guilt on me, but I held strong. It was my son's day, why should he be embarrassed if something happened? Of course as soon as the party was over and I put my feet up with my long time high school friend, she called.. said she was ready to get help. I didn't believe her, cried wolf too many times.. I am glad I went with my gut, because she went on keep using for 6 more months.
    But, whatever you decide, you have to be at peace and be able to sleep at night. Good luck with the wedding! And, I hope you can enjoy this time your daughter! HUGs!

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  6. Beach - That is such a tough decision! I see both sides.

    Wouldn't it be great if he had a sober escort?
    I'm not talking about a girlfriend escort --simply someone to deliver him safely from place to place and event to event -- keep an eye on him so everyone else could enjoy the family gatherings. Yet he could be with family. Someone neutral...but wise to the ways of addicts...

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  7. Oh man,...where does one get such an escort ? I'd love to hire such a person.

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  8. Escorts are almost always former drug addicts..AND they are expensive. Be very careful, really investigate who you hire if you choose that.

    My son was in jail when his sister got married, so there was no decision to make. They would not let him out. He was supposed to stand up, and two weeks before she had to find someone else. Not to mention all the out of town relatives who had not seen Andrew in years, and wanted to know where he was. I decided to tell the truth if asked, and that cast a damper on the wedding also.

    Missing the wedding put a wedge between him and his sister that has not healed 10 years later. She still resents the fact he missed it, and that he took attention away from her as usual. I would say let him come to the wedding, but then what?? Have a plan in place to get him out of there immediately. Set boundaries--will he be allowed to drink? What is a group of young people invite him out? Cover every base because he WILL take advantage of any loophole.

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  9. I will punt this question to God...pray about it. Clairity will come. There is no perfect one decision. There will be pros and cons to either decision. If not a sober escort, what about someone with a lot of sobriety that you might know and trust. Maybe someone from a local AA or NA that he might know. Al Anon would tell you to take care of yourself. So remember to enjoy this daughter and her day. That comes first. If you allow him to come, work it out in such a way that he does not take away from her day and your day as her mother. I'll add you to my novena. I hope you find peace in your decision.

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    1. Thank you Hattie. That's exactly what I did,...& he's here. : ). So far, so good.

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  10. What an awful predicament to be in. We've all been in one similar and only you can decide what you can live with. Do what you are comfortable with - It sucks I know! I hope it all works out and you can enjoy your daughters wedding!

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