Monday, January 30, 2012

A Broken Heart

  I did text and later talk to D today. At first though....hadn't heard from him again later last night, even though he'd said he'd text me after the meeting, being that he'd been so very very upset when we spoke on the phone. But, later in the evening, before I went to bed...hadn't had any text, nor did he answer mine when I texted him. So, then I called him before I went to answer. I just said a prayer for God to keep him clean tonight and went to bed, slept well.  Then., I went off to work this morning....thinking he'd wake up and see my texts and text me back...nothing.  I must admit, I started to feel that old familiar freaked out feeling at school/work. Of course, I was with the kids,....on the job, time to get involved with D, but I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed, like I used to feel at school,...even felt impatient with the kids. : (   I even, did I do that for so long when D was so bad, with this job ?    Of course, I was also thinking....why didn't he answer last night?...he has $,..nothing to stop him from keeping on going ,.....if he doesn't go to work today, he'll lose the job...on and on,...right back into the crazy mode. UGH.

   I went about my morning and at about only 9:30 a.m., my cell phone rang in the classroom...I hadn't put it on vibrate.  Not only that, I answered it...I knew it was him.  (Of course, the kids are thrilled if I answer the phone...go figure).  Anyway, it was D telling me he was o.k.,...that he had gone to the meeting last night and picked up a white chip. He said he wasn't going to work today...had called in sick. Obviously, with me being in the classroom, our conversation was very brief.

  Later, early this evening, he called,...said he'd slept until 4 p.m., and finally had come home to his house. He'd stayed overnight at the sober living house he used to live in, which is only 5 houses away from his. He knows everyone there and didn't want to be alone.  I was glad he'd gone there,...and that he'd had it to go to. He said that he felt like still sleeping some more,...sounded quite sad.  I asked him what he was most sad about and he said, "that she's gone."   He said that he was going to go to an 8 p.m. meeting though (GOOD).    He has the next 2 days off from work, which isn't typical,..usually only has 1 off sometime during the week.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...having the next 2 days off.  I'd say,...not a good thing,...not that my opinion on that is either here nor there.

  Basically....the "boy" has a broken heart, despite the fact that he ended the relationship...regarding calling it what it was and saying it had to stop. But really, Stacy ended it when she stopped caring about him the way she had before. He did still care about her, want to be with her,..just wanted her to still be into it....thus, he's feeling quite heartbroken. I'm sure that most of us have gone through this at one time or another, or more than that,..and truly, it does suck.  I remember it.  Just that our addicts don't do very well with those heartbreaking feelings, as we know.

  He also said that he'd had about 15 voice mails today, from various people that know what happened and are concerned about him,...he hadn't answered the phone at all.  I pointed out how many people cared about him...people that he hadn't even known a little over a year ago.  I am grateful for them,....addicts caring about other addicts.  Thank God for them.

   I am grateful for all of YOU.  I so appreciate your comments on last night's post. really summed it up.  And yes, I do really know about the relapses...and don't believe that it's unusual.  I also know that D is doing what he needs to do (hopefully) from what he's progressed to in his recovery.  I say hopefully, because I'm not there, and one really never knows.  But D did say,..."Mom, I had a choice....and I chose the wrong thing.  I always have a choice."   Let's hope he makes the next right one...and keeps making them after that too.

   Hoping that your loved ones will be doing the same as well.  Thank you again for your words of support , etc..  Don't know what I'd have done without my bloggie peeps these past've been and continue to be the best.


  1. Thanks for the update. I have been thinking about (and praying for) your family all day. It's hard to not be able to 'make things better' for our sons (and daughters) and to let them do it for themselves. I really struggle with this. If we could just 'see the big picture/plan'! Maybe there is a wonderful person 'out there' for D somewhere in this world and that his split with his girlfriend is just how 'it is supposed to go'. My prayers and thoughts are being sent your way. Take care.
    Shelley in SK
    PS. I smiled when you wrote about your cell phone ringing in class. My students, too, found this to be a big deal when mine 'beeped' last week. I think they are amazed that we are actually 'people' who use cell phones, too! It doesn't take much to get kids excited! Laugh!

  2. Beach - I hope he decides to stay on the road to recovery. Poor D! Sounds like he's having a hard time - breaking up sucks. Prayers for you and your boy.

  3. I was just thinking today about our kids and us moms and how when they hurt we hurt. I'll hope for him and you that he can move past this hurt quickly and continue on his road of sobriety.

  4. I feel so bad for him. I see with B how much more sensitive and vulnerable they are. They were numb before and when something bad happens they have a very hard time not going back to what made them feel better. It is very encouraging that he went to a meeting. I hope he moves forward and doesn't focus on the slip up. Continued prayers.

  5. How is the boy doing? My son is painfully shy around girls..uhmm, I'm thinking that is a good thing today!

    Thinking of him and his strong decision to get back on track!