Hi all,.....seems like way too long since I've written here. I keep meaning to, and certainly keep reading and commenting upon your blogs daily, but haven't updated my own. Actually, between "stuff" I always need to get done between work and home,...there never seems to be enough time. (Don't even get me going on my job....the sucker up of all available time.)So....I'd planned to finally, finally, sit down and post this tonight....as I am.
Anyway......D has continued to do VERY well.....it has been more amazing that I can really describe. In fact, that even actually made me a bit hesitant to post. With Annette, Barbara, VJ, Dee, Anna, Terri's and many others' sons/daughters still using, or out there somewhere (like Helga's daughter)...it actually made me feel sad in another way to post how well D is doing. How codependent am I?? Now I'm not sharing because I'm too worried about all of you. But then, ....I think it may have been Her Big Sad that did make me realize....it can give hope to others too,...that YES, they can and really will "get it" and make the necessary steps and keep working on recovery, and WOW, what beautiful things can emerge from that. Beautiful is the only word for it,....my husband says that same word....it best describes what it's been like.
To be apt about the description,...here's what we've been seeing,...for quite awhile now, and D's had 7 mo.s clean thus far. He's continued to work at his job and other than that, work on his recovery...about 5 or 6 meetings per week...sometimes more. He's become connected to the recovery community there, and has many friends now, male friends that are clean for awhile ( 1 for 5 yr.s !) that he can hang out with. He's bought (yes, HIS own $) a drum kit again and is playing drums and jamming with some other guys regularly,...which he was so into back when. He'd lost all of that to drugs,..the time to do it, the passion for it,...and even the actual drums ...everything,..he'd pawned. But, I digress. He has continued to live with "Stacy"...and that relationship was pretty stable and o.k., from what we could tell,...for awhile anyway. (more on them later) But, overall...he's just progressed to where he acts SO much more mature, more thoughtful, more understanding, giving, patient, ...you name it. I can laugh with him again,.....can say whatever to him and he's NOT at all defensive, and doesn't react angrily....AT ALL. It's just beyond what I can really articulate well. He takes "life on life's terms" as he's said from an NA/AA term,...and although many times, things haven't been easy, he continues on....doing the next right thing. NA has saved him....given him a new life, and it's been an incredible thing to see my original, real D come back. He's been planning ahead now, getting things done ....will begin community college in June....he's done all of the looking into things, finding out info., etc..
So....then I'd noticed from things he'd say on the phone, and when we recently saw him around Jan. 1st (in New Orleans...of all places, for an addict, yikes), that things seemed dysfunctional between D and Stacy. Stacy comes off as a quite confident young woman, but she's also a recovering addict who I know (from D) has had a very very tough journey...and has done some horrible things and had horrible experiences. She's a recovering heroin addict and that weekend in New Orleans, I learned she used to also be a stripper. I know...not that surprising, with a female addict,...I don't mean judgment on that, truly,..just have a heart for all that Stacy's gone though. But between the 2 of them, Stacy seemed to dominate D, and it struck me that there was an unbalanced relationship...as I'd perceived from things D had already said in passing to me about them.
Going forward to more recently...things weren't going well between them , and D was unhappy about it. They had become more distant from each other, and she was irritable toward him and critical. They discussed their issues etc., and finally Stacy admitted that she didn't feel for D what she had felt before,....so now what ? So then, earlier this week, D told Stacy that he couldn't do this anymore, if she wasn't "into him"...that he deserved more...that he didn't have to keep going on like this, and told her they were through....broke up with her. So, all this past week, it's been difficult and Stacy moved out,...going to live with her sponsor and another young woman they both know. D seemed to be (incredibly) taking it well,...was calm about it , but certainly not happy about any of it,..not at all. However, he quickly pursued finding other roommates...2 guys in recovery he knows, and they're supposed to move in next weekend. I /we were kind of amazed how well he was taking it all, despite the fact that he texted me last Fri. night that he wanted to use...and to please pray for him. I did !!
But, he did just what he should do. He tried to contact his sponsor, who couldn't be reached due to being away skiing, out of cell phone reach, which was very atypical. But D reached out to others he knows there in recovery, went and spent time with them, went to meetings, has been doing OK, considering the circumstances. Then,...just this weekend, all of this got even worse. Stacy has already moved out and D's been in the house there alone since the new guys haven't moved in yet. Apparently, Friday night (two days ago), it really all hit him harder and he was really very very sad and having a much harder time emotionally about it all. Yet, he seemed to be hanging in there and last night, he called me in the late afternoon, saying that 2 of his friends were coming over soon to jam. He even said that he was doing some planning to make sure that he was going to fill his time in a way that was good for him, especially with Stacy being gone. In fact, just recently, he'd been asked to go and represent NA at a hospital program for teenagers (14 - 18 yr. olds) who are addicts....to speak to them, ..tell his story etc.. He was so happy to be selected to do this...and would be going each week. Here he is only 20 himself, but that was a reason that maybe he could make some difference. His words were, "Maybe what I'll say will go in one ear and out the other, but maybe one of them will listen to me. And even if they don't,...it'll help keep me clean, so that's good. " As I said, a beautiful thing to hear for us.
So....early this evening, I got a phone call from D. He was crying,...so much so that I could barely understand what he was saying. His words: "Mom, I got high last night. I can't believe I did it...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,...I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I let everyone down. Oh my God." etc.etc.....sobbing and sobbing. : (
We talked more...his dad got on the phone after me. I swear, it was more a thing of us trying to comfort him and having him stop beating himself up. He was so distraught. I don't think I've heard him this way in....well, I can't remember when. He said he was going to go to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip,...that he was so embarrassed, etc.. He said that after the guys were there playing music last night, he didn't share how he was feeling with them,...that he left the house, went to a very bad part of town and starting asking random people/strangers where to find drugs(cocaine). He also said that his sponsor had told him to F__ jamming with those guys and to go to a damn meeting...or he was going to end up high. Apparently, he'd missed a meeting the night before too. Sigh.
So...that's the current state of our union. I'm praying that D will forgive himself and just keep going forward and do what he was doing before all of this hit him emotionally in the last week. I also hope he uses this experience to help him KNOW beyond all doubt how slippery it can all be,...and SO quickly too. That he has to always guard his recovery, especially during the bumps in the road. There will always be bumps in the road. So....I procrastinated on telling you all the good news,...and now there is bad news again. : ( Please keep D in your prayers.