Sunday, February 5, 2012

Lies, Using, Pain, Anger

 Well,...he didn't get right back on track. Another Sun. night revelation...and it's all bad,...really bad.  I talked to D earlier this evening.  He wanted to tell me the truth he said.  I've had bad feelings since the middle of this past week...and per usual, my gut was right.  Yes, he did go get that white chip last Sun., least, from what I can tell, he did.  Then, he didn't use for 2 days. He stayed home from work and slept most of his days.  He called in sick on the first day, but then, fortunately, had the next day off, then called in sick on Wed..  He started using again.....through earlier today.  His new drum set is gone, all of his just received tax return is gone and part of the rent money my husband just gave him is gone. The 2 new guy roommates put in the rest of their share of the rent since they just moved in, so he says that they have the rent $ aside, ready to pay.  D and I had a conversation, in which he cried, was desperate sounding.....saying he didn't want to go on this way.  He said that he didn't do everything his sponser told him to do (obviously) and just went and started using some more. He said he can't keep going on like this....doesn't want to live this way,...doesn't want to die, "doesn't want to have us bury him".  He said that he knows it will lead to that if he keeps going,...he's going to start over, totally surrender his will, his way, etc..  It was terrible.  I went through that conversation very pissed at him in some parts, very sad in other parts,...and with my heart breaking overall.  He was going to  get off the phone, call his sponser, go to a meeting, and get another white chip.

   I got off the phone and related the conversation to my husband, S, who was watching the beginning of the Super Bowl.  After that, it went downhill between S and me.  Many things were said back and forth between us. S was really really pissed at D(understandably),....and then ended up very angry at me. He said that D was trying to just manipulate me.   He'd had a few drinks and I know that influenced what he was saying. I said something about that and then it just escalated from there.  He said terrible things to me, really bad.  He then said that I was so f'd up and was the worst enabler,....stormed upstairs.  He was screaming at me, even from upstairs and I told him to shut the bedroom window,...feeling like the neighbors were hearing all of this. 

  That's where we are now....I feel just numb.  It's amazing how addiction can still wreak it's havoc from 4 states away from the addict.  I don't know what to think.  I just don't.  I feel like D is going to keep trying to be in recovery.....but am I just naive ?   Like I said....I feel numb at the moment


  1. I don't think I have ever responded to your entries. I have been reading since you started. I do understand how you feel..I just got off the phone with son who is in a halfway house in recovery.He says he feels depressed and out of it. But I can;t change it for him. My other son we just bussed home from living on the streets in Denver for about a month when he hopped on a truck at a local truck stop from NY and ended there. We put him in a rehab last Thursday and he walked the next day..he has been in about 9 programs and he will be 22 this month. SO I do understand the heartache and frustration. The first thought after reading your blog entry is go read the responses to Barbara's blog. Maybe it is time he is resposible for his own rent, then the tax refund money would of gone to rent not drugs. ANd he would be using his money for getting by. I think it is hard becasue we are middle class+++ mommas and it is hard seeing them live differently than we do. But it does build character and the busier they are the less time they have to find drugs. Just a thought. Your son is in my prayers along with Kevin, Andrew, VJ's son,D and the others in blogland. Hang in there.

  2. DANG! I feel for you, I really do! How many times I have I walked in your shoes.. and topping it all with a fight... I have walked in those shoes too. Nobody wins in this thing called addiction. We get so disappointed, so derailed, so confused, so hurt and we take it out on each other, those we are closest to. So not fair.
    I have to sorta agree with Lauren above on some of it. We want them to live the life style we have given them and we end up paying for that and they are not learning from that. I know you want so bad for D to get well, jump back in recovery and I know you want to believe him... because he has shown he can sober some amount of time. But, maybe it is time to totally let go financially and otherwise. Let his sponser take over the recovery part. Set your boundaries so you and S can move ahead in a healthy way which isn't fighting.
    Remember what we can control and that is our reaction. Sometimes no reaction is best. It speaks louder.
    I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. What I do know is if Em relapses she will dead, just like D said and I will not be a part of that. She has been given a great amount of tools, a great amount of good people who do understand and can help, should she choose to reach out to them before using.
    The good news is tomorrow is a new day... for all of you.
    You all will be in thoughts and prayers.

  3. Beach - I'm so sorry.
    My thoughts? You and S have been together a long, long time and you have been through a lot. There's no excuse for lashing out, but we all deal with things in our own way and I'm betting you know how he deals with things.

    I still think D telling you was such a good thing. He could just as easily have lied to you for weeks...asking for cash for things here and there...and you being none the wiser. Instead he came clean. He cannot un-learn what he has learned in treatment and in these past months in recovery.

    D is hurting and lonely, and remember the signs of relapse...isolation, depression, and not attending meetings. I pray he can turn it around.

  4. Thank you all so much. Your support means a lot to me. More later. It's early morning Monday here. S has apologized in a big way. More later. Got to go to work now.

  5. Beach I am so sorry..the crisis come so quickly with addiction we end up feeling so blindsided. This is so sad to hear as it was so recently you posted about him having 6 months. You must be heartbroken. Take a deep breath..things will change back around. Glad S apologized..we have had our moments of complete rage and insanity at each other in the midst of an addiction crisis. My goal is to try to come together with my husband about decisions, even when we disagree. This takes a lot of hard work!

  6. Oh boy! Does that whole scenario sound familiar to me! My husband tends to speak first and think later. Our marriage suffered some damage early in my son's addiction and sometimes that ugliness rears its head now. I am so sorry to hear about D. I agree with the comments about. It is good that he told you what was going on instead of trying to hide it. There is something to be said for honesty.

    Take care of yourself.

  7. I'm at a loss for words. I know how bad you feel we all have been there.

  8. I have been there too. I was always the believer and J wasn't. Rightfully so, but it didn't change the outcome.

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It does amaze me that so far away addiction has this impact on your family. In the end he is still your little boy.

    I'm sending you a message on FB.

  9. Crap. I'll email you instead of commenting.

  10. P.S. You got some really good comments here. I am just infuriated at ADDICTION right now. :(

  11. Dawn, Andrew is 29!! This is the first time EVER we have let him go, I won't give advice.

    All I know is for MOST this roller coaster goes on indefinitely. We have gotten to the point where we want to quit working, and we just aren't going to support our children anymore. But, at D's age, we were not even close to, just offering prayers. XOXO