Monday, December 27, 2010

Stepping backward and forward......

God forbid ANY bit of peace continues for any length of time ! D is still in Florida,...I'm visiting with my 90 yr. old mom and other extended family members out of state....having a nice time, should not have to once again, per USUAL, have to be upset and dealing with D's demanding bullshit. He's been calling daily, seems to be doing well....called tonight and talked about how he'd cried at the fact that he realized that he'd not yet surrendered ALL the way, but now has,..yada yada. He'd been journaling, doing all this stuff to work on himself,..more on that later. Then,...what happened ? The conversation turned to when he plans to be leaving the treatment center in Florida, of planned departure, Jan. 10th...yikes, way too early, ...after only 3 weeks ! That is the date that the insurance company has promised to pay through....then, as they near the date, he's to be re-evaluated, to determine the need for further treatment or not,..uh...yeah...further treatment is VERY needed ! My perception/guess is that he'll be recommended for further treatment and then, IF that's done, the insurance will o.k. paying for another 30 days...and so it goes....for 2 more months, I hope. When I said something about the fact that was the way it worked...which we'd discussed before...he began to say, that no, ..he was leaving there and coming back to our home town...that was what he was going to do, on Jan. 10th. I told him that I thought that he shouldn't do that, not was way too early, not safe, etc.. He began to get upset....raised his voice,..said I was trying to control him and that I couldn't do that (I know, no kidding !),..and I said that I was only telling him my opinion and that I certainly had one and had a right to it.....just 2 weeks ago he was stealing from me, doing all kinds of terrible things and making life hell for him and was my OPINION that he was not safe at all in our town,..too many triggers etc.. He became irate, told me that he was doing what he f'ing wanted to do, and that if I didn't like that, I could go "f--- myself". Obviously, I just hung up the phone at that point. I then called my husband, who's already back home after our trip up here for Christmas, ..told him what happened,...of course, then he was mad at D. While on the phone with him, D beeped into my husband's/our home phone, and we hung up and he answered D. husband called me back, and told me how he also got into it with him, how then D said, "fine, then I'm checking myself out of here, why even stay". When my husband told me that, then we ended up arguing with each other,...because I was upset with him for saying things that led D to think that we had planned this from the beginning,..that we'd been lying to him all along, never let him come back home,etc., which isn't true . So, then my husband hung up on me....lots of hang ups going on,...all of them ridiculous. My head was spinning. Meanwhile, my poor 90 yr. old mom was waiting for me to just sit on the sofa with her and hang out...something I'm not normally here to do,..just watch some T.V. with her...even that was interrupted and taken by D's selfish and ridiculous behavior. : (
Then....about 30 min.s later, after talking to my husband...D called me again. I hesitated before doing so, but answered him. He was 180 degrees out now....apologizing...saying that he was totally wrong...that of course, he couldn't come back to our town,..that he needs to be somewhere had been his addictive thinking talking,...he was sorry for how he spoke to me (which was outrageous). He said that he already feels terrible for all the bad things he's done, mainly to us,..that's often why he also wanted to get high before. (I mean, I've heard so much of this before...and I know he does hate what he's done.) Then...asked me if we could start to figure out where he could go after he left treatment....could there be a sober living house...NOT anywhere near home...that's what he'd like to do,...etc.. After being on the phone before, he'd calmed down, talked to a few people where he is, and especially importantly...taken his medicine. I told you how that helped him hugely. I mean....what am I supposed to think about all of this ? I feel ridiculous for even answering the phone the 2nd time, given how he spoke to me. Besides his wanting to use drugs....he's also just always so much had to have his way about things,..just unrelated to drugs...whatever it was he's been hell bent on having happen. I know it's related to his impulsiveness/intensity/ADHD, but still.......I just think....will he ever not think that way ? Even he knows that everything all "his way" leads to results that are so much "not his way". But then again, this is only his 8th day in treatment....geez, wonder he could be talking "addict-like". Typical addict, he wants results and he wants them NOW, including his recovery progression.
Please forgive me for this long and rambling and not making much of a point post....just had to get it out.


  1. You let him suck you into his drama. It happens to the best of us. Next time, tell him what YOUR plans are...

    example: "Unless you want to do this all on your own (homeless), you will remain in a treatment facility UNTIL I feel you are ready to leave. At that point, you will head into a sober living house in a different state from where we live. You will not be living with us going forward. I love you. Goodbye!"...and hang up.

    Try it. It really works...and you will feel MUCH better without the drama.

  2. Yes, I have received the same call form my son --- more times than I can even recall. It all sounds the same, call after call. However, your son does show signs of "willingness" so I say don't pay too much attention to what he says that makes you "crazy" but simply encourage him. Love, hope and encouragement is all you can (perhaps should) do.

    I finannly had to put in writing what my boundaries were when talking to my son. When he crossed the boundary I told him he was loved etc. and when he wanted to call back and abide by the boundaries we had agreed to that I would take his call, then I hung up. I would say this even if he was yelling etc, knowing that he wasn't listening but I still felt better going through the motions as I had outlined in the agrteement.

    In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

  3. Lori,'re right...totally. He gets so worked up and although I was calm while I spoke to him, I engaged him. :( I am thankful that he calmed down and realized how nuts it was, what he was saying,..without us convincing him etc.. And yes, I have done just what you and VJ are saying...calmly said what my/our limits and boundaries were and left it at that and disengaged. I agree, that's all that you can do. At least he realized how ridiculous it was,...what he was saying. Thanks for your input,..I appreciate your comments.