Stepping backward and forward......

God forbid ANY bit of peace continues for any length of time ! D is still in Florida,...I'm visiting with my 90 yr. old mom and other extended family members out of state....having a nice time, should not have to once again, per USUAL, have to be upset and dealing with D's demanding bullshit. He's been calling daily, seems to be doing well....called tonight and talked about how he'd cried at the fact that he realized that he'd not yet surrendered ALL the way, but now has,..yada yada. He'd been journaling, doing all this stuff to work on himself,..more on that later. Then,...what happened ? The conversation turned to when he plans to be leaving the treatment center in Florida,...date of planned departure, Jan. 10th...yikes, way too early, ...after only 3 weeks ! That is the date that the insurance company has promised to pay through....then, as they near the date, he's to be re-evaluated, to determine the need for further treatment or not,..uh...yeah...further treatment is VERY needed ! My perception/guess is that he'll be recommended for further treatment and then, IF that's done, the insurance will o.k. paying for another 30 days...and so it goes....for 2 more months, I hope. When I said something about the fact that was the way it worked...which we'd discussed before...he began to say, that no, ..he was leaving there and coming back to our home town...that was what he was going to do, on Jan. 10th. I told him that I thought that he shouldn't do that, not yet...it was way too early, not safe, etc.. He began to get upset....raised his voice,..said I was trying to control him and that I couldn't do that (I know, no kidding !),..and I said that I was only telling him my opinion and that I certainly had one and had a right to it.....just 2 weeks ago he was stealing from me, doing all kinds of terrible things and making life hell for him and us....it was my OPINION that he was not safe at all in our town,..too many triggers etc.. He became irate, told me that he was doing what he f'ing wanted to do, and that if I didn't like that, I could go "f--- myself". Obviously, I just hung up the phone at that point. I then called my husband, who's already back home after our trip up here for Christmas, ..told him what happened,...of course, then he was mad at D. While on the phone with him, D beeped into my husband's/our home phone, and we hung up and he answered D. Then...my husband called me back, and told me how he also got into it with him, how then D said, "fine, then I'm checking myself out of here, why even stay". When my husband told me that, then we ended up arguing with each other,...because I was upset with him for saying things that led D to think that we had planned this from the beginning,..that we'd been lying to him all along,...to never let him come back home,etc., which isn't true . So, then my husband hung up on me....lots of hang ups going on,...all of them ridiculous. My head was spinning. Meanwhile, my poor 90 yr. old mom was waiting for me to just sit on the sofa with her and hang out...something I'm not normally here to do,..just watch some T.V. with her...even that was interrupted and taken by D's selfish and ridiculous behavior. : (
Then....about 30 min.s later, after talking to my husband...D called me again. I hesitated before doing so, but answered him. He was 180 degrees out now....apologizing...saying that he was totally wrong...that of course, he couldn't come back to our town,..that he needs to be somewhere else....it had been his addictive thinking talking,...he was sorry for how he spoke to me (which was outrageous). He said that he already feels terrible for all the bad things he's done, mainly to us,..that's often why he also wanted to get high before. (I mean, I've heard so much of this before...and I know he does hate what he's done.) Then...asked me if we could start to figure out where he could go after he left treatment....could there be a sober living house...NOT anywhere near home...that's what he'd like to do,...etc.. After being on the phone before, he'd calmed down, talked to a few people where he is, and especially importantly...taken his medicine. I told you how that helped him hugely. I mean....what am I supposed to think about all of this ? I feel ridiculous for even answering the phone the 2nd time, given how he spoke to me. Besides his wanting to use drugs....he's also just always so much had to have his way about things,..just unrelated to drugs...whatever it was he's been hell bent on having happen. I know it's related to his impulsiveness/intensity/ADHD, but still.......I just think....will he ever not think that way ? Even he knows that everything all "his way" leads to results that are so much "not his way". But then again, this is only his 8th day in treatment....geez,...no wonder he could be talking "addict-like". Typical addict, he wants results and he wants them NOW, including his recovery progression.
Please forgive me for this long and rambling and not making much of a point post....just had to get it out.

only the beginning

I've talked to D twice now, since he got there on Sunday. He already (tonight) sounded SO clear,...said something pretty simple ...to most people, anyway. He said..."Do you have a pen and paper nearby? Take down this number....told me the number....said, "I'm pretty sure that's the number...if it's not, I'll call back shortly after we hang up to let you know.' Even though this is a simple concept,...I said, "How will you know it's the right number or not?" He said, "I'm going to go and check when I hang up." (WHAT, double checking something???) (he was calling on a pay phone and couldn't walk back to wherever he had the number written down while on the phone.) As LAME and simple as this verbal exchange sounds to a person not having dealt with their actively using son ,...I was on the other end of the phone thinking ...holy shit. I swear...his voice sounded so clear and he sounded so detailed in his explanation (I realize it wasn't that complex !, ..but still !) It is always so true....that when dealing with something (or someone) that's painful ...you really get so used to the pain and the dysfunction, that something so simple and "normal" and not painful coming from that same source can feel like an anomaly,...a breath of fresh air......and you realize just HOW AWFUL it's been that you've gotten used to. : ( It was like the "old "D", the original and always detailed, heartfelt, follow through D peeked through....just a tiny bit. His voice was really SO clear...I can't describe it. This post feels rambling and not articulate,..but those of you that "KNOW", might know what I mean. And by the way......the number he was referring to was a security number that I can use as a type of password. Therefore, with his permission (not asked for by us in any way).. ...we (my husband and I) can call where he is in treatment and give them that # as a verification from him to share information regarding anything about how he's doing or his treatment experience. Time will tell, one step at a time.

Settling in to the idea of the change,..the respite

wow....it took a number of hours,...but I've realized that I've already breathed out a bit....in a good way. I know that you who have had a child of yours in rehab/treatment, or sadly, even in jail,...can relate to what I mean in feeling that you're having some type of break....some peace of mind. D texted me while I was out Christmas shopping this afternoon,...that he'd arrived, was met by someone at the airport, from where he's going for treatment. After that, I haven't heard a word,...I know that he has to give them his phone and they'll put it in a safe for him. Hopefully, it's all going well. I finished shopping, went and got some food for dinner,.....came into the house and realized that I'm now already feeling a bit lighter....just kind of free. My husband jokingly said...."look at me....putting my wallet & keys right here" (in a basket on top of the 'frig. where he always used to put them)....meaning, not hiding them. I know, that is a commentary on a way to live that is pathetic and that no one should be doing....in an adaptation to addiction...oh how I know. Anyway, for today, I am very thankful....that D decided to go to treatment(again) and knows how much he needs help. Believe me, if you knew him...you'd know how much he wouldn't be doing this unless HE wanted to. We realize oh too well how much this is a very small part of his recovery and even more so,...it's the "easy" part, being clean and working on recovery in a structured environment. But for now, I am grateful for the break for us, and continue to pray for him to "get it" this time,...enough to make his recovery his number one priority.

Amazing Grace...he's on his way

By the grace of God, D is on his way to Florida...he's already arrived in Charlotte and is waiting for his connecting flight. We(his dad and I) took him to the airport this morning,...it was all a positive feeling along the way there. We stood and watched him walk away until we couldn't see him anymore, then turned and walked out of the airport and into the car to drive home. Neither one of us said a word for awhile....it was like we both felt numb. We didn't feel relief or happiness or anything right away...not what we had expected. Last night, we went out to dinner together, D and us two, and afterward, he sat and talked to us and got very emotional....crying and crying, not what he's done for a long time. The overwhelming theme of all that he said was about his own shame....that he can't believe that he became this person that he now is....someone that mistreats other people, is only about himself and getting drugs. He talked about how hard it was to even say good bye to many friends that he'd have liked to have seen....that he was very embarassed in front of his peers...that others that he knows...people that "party" aren't messed up the way he is. It was a sad thing to see,...but the complete defeat that he was communicating was a good thing, I think. I know that we only have today....we don't know what will happen later. But...we never have that anyway,....any of us. For this moment, today, he is heading in the right direction....and I'm thankful. I appreciate the support from those of you who have commented to me.

he's baaack

O.K,....now it's late Sat. afternoon....he did return,...upstairs sleeping at the moment...ugh. But, the plan is that we will go out to dinner at a local Mexican place in about an hour,...D, my husband, and me. His older brother opted out for dinner,...is busy(which he is) getting some things ready for his friend's party tonight. He does DJing, so he's helping to set it all up. But, he knows his brother is leaving tomorrow too,....and of all people, the older brother, M, has really done so much for D and hung in there for so long for him...helping him in many ways. He used to even drive him to his counseling appts. and sit in the parking lot for an hour and wait for him,...many a 23 yr. old wouldn't do that for their younger sibling who kept screwing up over and over. By now, he's pretty detached....he is a great example of "loving detachment". I know he prays for him and I know he loves him...but he's totally backed out of having anything really to do with him, including getting involved in any conversations about him with us. I surely don't blame him for that. Addiction just ripples across everyone around it......

MIA

yes,...it's early Sat. afternoon now....and D is currently MIA/missing in action. : ( Last I heard from him was when he texted me last night while he was out with friends....saying he'd be home later on. He is all booked onto the flight for Florida tomorrow,....but not yet around today. I can only pray that he's still sleeping (even though it's almost 2 p.m.) and will soon call or show up. The sleeping until 2 is certainly not unheard of, as most of you probably can relate to all too well. As I said....until we can actually get him on that plane tomorrow, I really can't be sure of what he'll do. Still praying that can happen.

making an exit plan

He's planning to go,....agrees to leave on Sunday. We're making flight arrangements. Even though I didn't say anything about it,...he said that he planned to be away from here for a long time....that's good. Meanwhile, the attorney's office called and said that he now doesn't even have to be there tomorrow morning for a pretrial hearing....that the officer wasn't available (good) and that a continuance will be issued....for at least 30 days, 'til D can come back from treatment for a trial. I'm hoping it will be continued even longer, but am not going to worry about that now. I feel very grateful that he's going and planning to work on his recovery. One step at a time....one day at a time. This really feels like a Christmas gift to me...even though I hate that he'll be gone for Christmas,...the 2nd one he's missed because of being in treatment,...3 yrs ago, he was also gone. I want our son back ,...not this cocaine addict who is miserable and insensitive to others, yet can't stop himself. He told me ...."it's like I don't even like to do cocaine...but I have to do it." "Every day I wake up and pledge that I won't....but it doesn't work" Praise God that he's getting out of here.

Blessings ~ hoping to get help

well...FINALLY, we found out mid afternoon today that the judge approved amending the bond so that D can go to treatment in Florida ! He can go to a good place (we're hoping) that is PAID for by our insurance.....you all know how amazing that is ! Even if it's just for 3 or 4 weeks...hoping it's MUCH longer....it will get him out of here and give him a start. Of course, despite the fact that we've been discussing it, now that it actually was approved today, I told him about it,...and that's where the balking started. He became agitated etc., said that now he doesn't want to go,...that I've "really screwed him" by getting this all approved and going forward,etc.. He even said that he was so sick of having to go to a rehab with some charge hanging over his head....geez, ya think ? We're pretty damn sick of that too! I didn't let his agitation upset me though, and told him to calm down and THINK & also go and take his medicine and I'll talk to him in a little while. He did(take his medicine...Abilify, AMAZINGLY helpful for him)..and in about 45 min.s , called me back..I was still at work. He was much more reasonable, not angry any more, said he would go,...even though he "doesn't really want to or feel like it." Man, I do a LOT that I really don't feel like having to do, don't you ? Well, I can't think that his addiction is going to be challenged without a fight,...to be expected when dealing with this hellish disease. He is so bad off right now....when I deal with him, a lot of the time, I just look at him and think that I'm dealing with a sick person,...and it helps me when he's talking about things that are terrible but he mentions as if they're pretty normal....certain people who he knows of in jail, someone he knows of and what drugs they used, ...yada, yada, ugh. Then, in between, he's often semi normal acting,....and we even have some nice talks, sometimes a laugh,....you'd have to be here and see what I mean. I'm not able to really describe it well enough here.
On Friday morning, he must go before the judge for a pre trial hearing, where the charges are read and a plea is entered. Then....he'll (HOPEFULLY) be leaving for Florida on Fri. afternoon or Saturday. My prayers of thanks are going to be also joined by prayers for him to continue to be willing to leave for Florida and begin treatment. I will not breathe out any sighs of relief until we can get his butt onto that plane. Of course, I/we realize how much that any treatment is only the very beginning of an attempt for recovery. But, right now, that beginning will give me hope. D being in treatment and willing to work on his recovery would be a wonderful Christmas gift, as far as I'm concerned.

waiting/ looking forward.....

We finally found out today, after much waiting, that our son's attorney will finally meet with the judge, along with the prosecutor, on Tuesday, to see if D's bond can be amended, allowing him to go to Florida for treatment. The prosecutor seems pretty set on not letting it happen...so who knows what will be. D NEEDS to get out of here and work on his recovery...D says that himself,..he WANTS to go ! Funny though(not ha ha type funny)....at the same time, he's still using,...although "trying" to not use,...but not at a meeting tonight either. :( He did go and check in for his first time (currently, not first IOP ever) with the IOP guy, who's told him he does need to go to NA meetings daily...so now he's planning to start doing that "tomorrow", as well as drinking a LOT of water for his next drug test. He told me that he actually hates using....but on the way to use...he gets "all excited about it". Ugh...you KNOW how sick this makes me to describe. Yet...he said that as soon as he begins to use (cocaine)....he gets down, hates it....doesn't even like it, but is compulsive about doing it again. It's all just so sick. And, as much as I truly HATE saying this here, but somehow feel like I should,...he stole $60 from my purse a couple of days ago. I know...he should be put out of here,...but I keep thinking he's leaving in a few days (we're hoping),so we haven't made him leave now. I realize how lame this sounds. (We have put him out of the house in the past....and he's had over 100 days clean in the past....not that long, but still) And in the meantime....he just tells me how miserable he is every day. I know he is, but then again....it makes me feel the same way, miserable. Last night, he stayed up all night,doing drugs, alone,...'til 7 a.m. this morning (he told me today when I got home from work),...slept 'til 5 p.m. today. It's all just so dark, pathetic,...at times, surreal. Please don't tell me how sick and out of control he is....I know. And I know how enabling this current situation appears as well. I just want him to be able to leave and go to treatment...and have a chance. It often feels hopeless. He has gone to 3 treatment centers before....he's been an addict since he was 15,..and now this is where we are. In the meantime, I pray. Thank God for these blogs...reading others' blogs and being able to know we're not alone. So few people I know really know the actual specifics of drug addiction,....lucky them.

something's gotta give

we're still waiting to find out if the judge will approve our son's attorney's request to be able to leave the state for a treatment center in Florida. This place will take our insurance...be paid in full ! However, in the meantime....D has to go to see the pre-trial person tomorrow....and possibly be drug tested. I don't know that it will go well,...as I know that he originally tested positive for weed, so it must now go down in the level or he could be put in jail tomorrow. Obviously, I can't think that would help his case, either. Honestly, I don't want him to go to jail tomorrow, nor be convicted of this charge he's up against,....but if it works for him to leave for Florida for treatment, I would be thrilled, despite him being there for Christmas. How amazed would I have been years ago to think that I'd ever be thrilled/relieved to think of D being away at a drug treatment center for Christmas, instead of being home with us ? That's an indicator right there, that something's gotta give............

truth ~ trust

I wonder how it is that addicts often yearn for & yes, almost demand trust, although haven't yet had much if any history of truth telling ? I realize that what they think is usually not logical in general, yet it's still amazing how quickly they seem to feel that trust should be granted, despite a long and heavy history of lying,.... so many significant lies and also so many "small" and consistent lies. It really is more logical than it first appears, I guess,....the impatience and demand that's so self centered that is the essence of thought of an addict across the board.
Right now, as I type...my son is at an NA meeting,....at least, that's what he says he's doing. I am not sure if he is or not, even though I'm leaning more toward thinking that he is, based upon his most recent attitude and behavior. He's also now interested in going to a treatment center in Florida, instead of staying here in his hometown, attending IOP, and working on his recovery through NA. He would be helped to be out of here, for quite awhile, and even a month in treatment would be helpful, followed by a sober living home,....one step at a time though. However, he has an upcoming court date on Dec. 17th for possession of cocaine, and can only go if his attorney gets an approval from the judge on his leaving for Florida and continuing the case until a later date. This will all be decided upon this week. I won't go into it all here right now,....but he wasn't at the location of the cocaine when police came, nor ever seen by the police or found with any cocaine on him,....even though he'd been at that place earlier. Another friend of his was found there with it and police called my son on his cell and told him to go to the police station because they wanted to also question him. He didn't go and they put out a warrant and now he has the upcoming court date. His lawyer doesn't yet even know what evidence police requested the warrant with. Ugh.... I am so praying that he just leave this town,...for a long while,....and be able to work on the recovery he is now saying he so adamantly wants. Time will tell and meanwhile I'm praying per usual. I hope that he is too.....and realizing that God will help him seek and continue recovery if he's asking faithfully.

up and down, all around

Even after all of this time (4 yr.s),..it's amazing to me how quickly my feelings about my son and his addiction and future can flip around so quickly,....from sadness, to strength & at least "some" detachment, to worry, to anger, disgust, compassion, confusion, understanding, and back to hope again. I realize that a steady course would be better, and am trying to progress with that. I HATE how far reaching his addiction has been,..into our family, his health, present, future, ..as well as our finances, and relationships with other people,...both extended family and friends. He goes back to court on Dec. 17th for a possession charge and I don't know that I'll be there this time........