Sunday, April 3, 2011

what's been lost

Although D is doing very well right now,....and I really don't dwell on this much, it still is a sore spot at times when we come across reminders of things lost....material and otherwise.   I'd imagine you all can relate to how much has been lost materially, as a by product of your loved one's addiction. I could go on and on about that, but I won't.

And what is also a sore spot is what's been lost regarding opportunities for her/him, do good things, share love with family and friends (how many times did they not show up?), find their chances to succeed, in whatever or however that would happen for him/her,...the list goes on.

We're in the midst of cleaning out and reorganizing around the house now that we're empty nesters after 26 yr.s of parenting since our oldest was born.  In D's old room, I came across some drumsticks,...and just that gave me a pang. His beloved drums were all pawned,...and you know why.  : (    Despite having already gone through so much of a hellish journey by that point, I can so remember the day I came home and saw that they were all gone,...the drums, cymbals, stands, everything.  I actually felt nauseous,...for on his worst day, he'd loved those hadn't seemed like it would come to that.  It did. 

   I try hard to focus on the now, and look forward, especially in light of how well D's doing now,...with so much gratitude for that.  He's just begun to work on step 4 in NA, and as he said to me..."I have never got that far before."  He's putting forth so much effort each day and making his recovery first,..hallelujah. 

Yet,...just finding a drumstick can hit my heart and I have to push myself to shake it off and get back to the now.....  I wonder if I'll ever hear him drum again...I sure hope so.


  1. You finding a drum stick hit MY heart and its not even my son! I can only imagine how hard it hit yours. I watched the video wondering the whole time if it was D.

    I'm impressed to hear he's on step 4, that's the biggie for many people.

    We will always have those pangs of pain...but hopefully they will be further apart and less painful as time goes on.

  2. yes...that was him in the video, a long time ago, in a high school talent show. I don't know why I don't have more video of him playing, since he always was drumming. I have more, but without any music being heard by us watching, only him on the headphones. Actually, I messed it up and didn't start that particular recording 'til he was part way through the song...the best part was in the beginning. But yes, I hope that what you're saying is the case for all of us,..those pangs are further apart and less painful as time goes on.

  3. I feel your pain. I have even taken down photos of her. So much lost. What's left of her things are in 2 moving boxes in our garage. The pain is deep. But let's hope D will one day buy himself some new drum sticks!
    Hugs, Kelly