D and I got to spend the day together yesterday, although I wasn't feeling the best, due to a bad cold/sinus infection? that got worse. In fact, I even stayed out from school/work today again....2nd day in a row, unheard of. That's the only reason I can blog now in the daytime on a "school day"...woo hoo. I have no energy at all, which is very unusual for me, so along with not feeling able to even breathe normally, I am on the sofa.
Anyway, we went out to lunch and did a few errands and came back home and listened to some music ...he was showing me some songs on youtube....just talked, hung out,...nothing exciting, but so nice to just be with him. However, it definitely wasn't all good, ...but I'm not referring to between him and me, that part was fine. While we went to a few different places near where we lived, D was affected by being in those places, to the point that you could see it visibly. In fact, when we were eating lunch at this sandwich shop, D's eyes watered a bit, and this awful look came over his face. All I can describe it as is like a darkness came over him. We didn't linger there while eating and I ate a little faster to finish to leave, as he was done already. Once back in the car, he explained to me how much he doesn't feel good around here now...especially in certain places. When I asked what he meant....he said that where we ate lunch was right next to this parking lot of another place he could see right out the window. He said it brought back so many memories of him and who he was with, snorting coke in the car in that parking lot. : ( He said that being near those places now make him feel bad.....he said it's like a sense of foreboding, like something bad's going to happen, an anxious feeling.
A short time after that, we went to the Verizon store together to do some phone changes for both of us, and while I talked to the clerk, D went outside on the sidewalk and called his sponsor. He came back in and you could see he was so much better. The whole time in the store (it took quite awhile), he was great....helpful, explaining things to me about the phone choices, etc., patient, etc.. As we left, I asked if he felt better, and he said, "yes, I never did anything bad in a Verizon store." He has mentioned that there's a lot that we don't know....and it's better that we never know, about bad things he's done. Sigh,..I'm sure that's true.
He said that his sponsor said (when referring to our town), " That will never be your home again." wow...that hit me. I don't know if the sponsor is correct. After all, D is in very early recovery, (will be 4 mo.s next week) and as those of us who are older know, life changes a lot as time goes on. Meaning, D may not still feel what he feels now about being around here, when he's older , many years from now. At least, I sure hope not. I am not a mom who thinks all of her kids need to grow up and only live a couple of miles away. After all, our daughter is currently living in Australia...and ya can't get any farther than that from us. And we're fine with that....they become adults and live their own lives. But, I sure do hope that at some point, coming back "home" isn't a feeling of darkness for D. He has told me how much it bothers him that he can't even live near his own family. It just got to me last night and made me cry, but I'm instead going to focus on the fact that he's working so hard on his recovery and sees TRUTH now, instead of irrational reasoning. I AM so grateful for that.
Looking forward to our trip to FLA. this weekend to go visit D in his new home.