Friday, April 22, 2011

nipping at his heels.......and mine too, sigh

  Well, I got back from FLA. last  night, after a trip to see D and do some relaxing as well. Overall, it went very well and he's doing o.k,...still clean, 4 mo.s, you know, that's huge.  He was so very happy that we came down there, it meant a lot to him.  He was working part of the time, but we also had quite a bit of time together and he stayed with us at the hotel each night.    We went to the beach, to dinner, hung out at the pool a little, and once his dad left (had to get back to work), D and I even did a little shopping and went to see a movie.  We saw Arthur,...go figure, the theme is addiction.  Still, it was a good remake and was funny.  The choice of the movie was his.   We even rented a surf board and I got to sit on the beach with my book and watch him I used to do when he was young and I used to drive him and his friends to the beach, was sweet to see.  He laughed at the fact that he'd moved to a place with even worse waves (on the Gulf) than where we now live,...but it was "surf-able".

   The negatives,....other than the poor choice of car that I posted about before, was the feeling I got when we went to where he lives.   Maybe it was because of all of the guys that were sitting around in a quite dark house, ...blinds mostly drawn, not enough windows(?), not seeming to do anything, that just struck me. (apparently, they were watching a movie, was Sun. afternoon, and they were off from work...those that have jobs anyway).  We saw his room and all of a sudden, I had that old feeling from way back when,...."how did it happen that D is here, in the crappy room, in this crappy house, living with all of these drug addicts?" (I swear, I thought that....and actually kind of internally laughed at myself,...obviously I don't think of "drug addicts" the way that the general population does....that we all bemoan, for their lack of  understanding.  It was like I had a relapse of thinking, when here he is, working on his recovery, trying so hard,...having come so far, and I just had it hit a nerve, comparing it to the contrast of what his sister and brother had been doing at this age,....with us seeing where they lived (or having helped them move into),..their college dorm rooms or apartments.  It hit me..."how did this happen....why isn't D able to be in college like we'd always thought he'd be ?"   I'm not proud of thinking that, for I AM SO grateful for where he is, and do NOT take his current working on his recovery for granted at all.  But at the same time, it was suddenly all I could do to not just cry , when we went to see where he's living. 

   As I said above,... most of what else we did and he did was good, and we enjoyed being with him...he was easy to be with.    But then, the last couple of days I was there .....I wasn't sure about was just a feeling and observations of little things about his behavior.  Oh man, comes back SO easily,...meaning, how I can suddenly start feeling really uneasy about him and worrying etc, etc..    And then I found out that ONCE AGAIN he'd been skipping his medicine...ugh.  It helps him SO much, and he's not at all against taking it...but he forgets to take it, and he can only take it once per day at a certain time because they control it where he lives and he can't administer it to himself.  So, the evening before I left, we'd had plans to spend it together, go to dinner.  At 5:45 p.m., he suddenly says that he needs to go to a meeting and he hopes I won't mind, (the meeting's at 7:30) and he'll be back at 9 o'clock.  So, I say fine,...he knows I'll never try to dissuade him from a meeting and off he goes.  Then, at 8:45, my phone rings again, and he says that he's going to now go to a
movie with his friend (a girl) and do I mind ?  I'd already eaten by then, and I said it was o.k., but once I hung  up, I then wondered about him taking his medicine, because our plan (originally) was for us to go back to his house to get his medicine that night after our originally planned dinner.   I texted him..."then what about you taking your medicine?" because I knew the days would march on that he didn't have it (it's an antidepressant plus Abilify) and soon he'd have a hard time.  He texted right back...."it's o.k,...I went over and got it already" and I immediately knew it was bullshit.    Just knowing made me feel a little sick.  : (     It's not that getting the medicine was such a huge he was using or something....but that the lying is such a trigger FOR ME.   It set me off on my worrying, wondering, miserable journey of old.     I told him it sounded like bullshit but he denied that he was lying....surprise surprise.

   Anyway, sorry this is so long,...but today, he called me, now that I'm home again,....and admitted that it was indeed bullshit when he had told me that, and that he'd started to lie about several small things and had been on his way to a relapse I KNEW that....I just did. I've had way too much training in this field of D.  : (   But....but,...he said that he'd started taking his medicine again and felt SO much better (the Abilify works right away, praise God) and said that he'd not gone to enough meetings recently and that's what had contributed to him starting to think and act that way.  So, he's going to more, even 2 times per day right now and you could hear how relieved he was in his voice. 

   Anyway, wow, not like I didn't know this, but isn't it just always nipping at our heels ?  It was what appeared to be such a quick sequence of events for D, and me.  I know it's early yet in his recovery, so I don't know why I wasn't thinking this way.  I mean, I was, but I wasn't.   I guess I'd like to think that his current well being won't turn around that fast, but it most certainly can.  Well,..I don't know if I've made enough sense here, but I hope so.   Thanks for listening.


  1. When I dropped my son off at Sober Living I felt like you. How did my son go from his nice comfortable private room, to sharing with one room with 4 other guys. It didn't last he left 2 days later because of the curfew mainly well mainly he wanted to smoke Heroin, but it made me so sad to think that the mistake he made of using heroin those first couple of times has led him to the path.

    I am glad D is doing better. It is sad that we still will continue to worry even when they are clean. I think when I son gets clean I will be surprised enough but it is going to be hard with his actions because in my heart I will want him to be "normal" or think "normal" and after speaking to so many addicts I realize it isn't going to happen quite the way I want it too.

    It must have been so nice to have him sober.

  2. thank you Tori,...yes, we had a lot of fun, despite the other feelings I expressed in that post. I hope that Blake gets to where you're able to have those times with him. D has been on this road for a long time. Keep your faith going for good things to happen in the future. It can certainly happen.