I had a phone conversation with D yesterday.......that didn't go well. This has happened before, since he's begun his recovery(this time), even though this time he seems more committed to it (multiple times more) than he's ever been, and is doing all of the every day work to make it happen and continue. Thank God for that,...I am very grateful.
First of all, he did get that job at Pep Boys...YEAH ! He is just now waiting for the results of their drug test (go figure) until he can start. He should have no problem getting back a clean result, but says that he still has a very hard time relaxing about that, since it's so foreign to him to feel. Plus,...the weed stays in your system for so long, that he's still worried about it, but I digress. Then he said something about wanting to start putting money into a mutual fund every month once he starts getting a paycheck ! LOL,..I'm sorry, but...what? I said, ...I don't think you're even close to that type of situation yet, ......first you need to pay some money back. He said,."why, I don't owe any money." It just hit me SO wrong....I was just instantly so pissed that he'd think he should INVEST money before paying all of his own sober living expenses, or perhaps, even, let's say...pay me back the $60 he stole out of my purse right before leaving for rehab.,...and that's just ONE small example ! OMG....I am shamed to say so, but back when, ...and not as long ago as I'd like to say it was...meaning, I KNEW better,...I gave him $ to pay off a dealer !!! : ( And I do really think he did, for he was scared of them, was in deep trouble with them, etc.,...but I was humiliated and ashamed to help him with it, and just knew how wrong it was...what i was doing,...but it was cleaning up his mess, when he finally wanted to get clean.
NO excuses...I know...just saying,.....there's just so so much hurt that is still inside of me, and I know that resentment is an ugly thing that I don't want to keep, for it's not helpful to me, to get better. It's not at all the money either, but the idea that he was so oblivious to it,...and I know at the same time, that he's been very troubled by all the pain he's caused, and ashamed of it, and has a hard time dealing with it mentally,......who he became from addiction. He's expressed that multiple times, and like any addict, "doesn't want to think about that." (although, I do think he will, and hopefully work through it) I also know that he did call his sponsor after our conversation....he became angry when I did...and today, said that he was working more on himself. The fact that he became angry was "his issue, not mine"....and not my fault. He "understands why I would have a reaction that I did" etc..
Of course, I am very grateful and happy that he's FINALLY working SO hard on his recovery, in so many ways that I haven't even written about, but wow, we sure can't turn off a switch and just shake off all the pain of the active addiction and the years of stress, anger, worry, pain, shame and horror. And yes, of course.....I'm very aware that it could also all begin again....God forbid. I do think it would be good for me to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon , which I've been to before, multiple times. But I've never really worked the steps or got a sponsor, and I'm sure it would help me work on this.
Any thoughts from all of you.....what have you been able to let go of ?