I had a phone conversation with D yesterday.......that didn't go well. This has happened before, since he's begun his recovery(this time), even though this time he seems more committed to it (multiple times more) than he's ever been, and is doing all of the every day work to make it happen and continue. Thank God for that,...I am very grateful.
First of all, he did get that job at Pep Boys...YEAH ! He is just now waiting for the results of their drug test (go figure) until he can start. He should have no problem getting back a clean result, but says that he still has a very hard time relaxing about that, since it's so foreign to him to feel. Plus,...the weed stays in your system for so long, that he's still worried about it, but I digress. Then he said something about wanting to start putting money into a mutual fund every month once he starts getting a paycheck ! LOL,..I'm sorry, but...what? I said, ...I don't think you're even close to that type of situation yet, ......first you need to pay some money back. He said,."why, I don't owe any money." It just hit me SO wrong....I was just instantly so pissed that he'd think he should INVEST money before paying all of his own sober living expenses, or perhaps, even, let's say...pay me back the $60 he stole out of my purse right before leaving for rehab.,...and that's just ONE small example ! OMG....I am shamed to say so, but back when, ...and not as long ago as I'd like to say it was...meaning, I KNEW better,...I gave him $ to pay off a dealer !!! : ( And I do really think he did, for he was scared of them, was in deep trouble with them, etc.,...but I was humiliated and ashamed to help him with it, and just knew how wrong it was...what i was doing,...but it was cleaning up his mess, when he finally wanted to get clean.
NO excuses...I know...just saying,.....there's just so so much hurt that is still inside of me, and I know that resentment is an ugly thing that I don't want to keep, for it's not helpful to me, to get better. It's not at all the money either, but the idea that he was so oblivious to it,...and I know at the same time, that he's been very troubled by all the pain he's caused, and ashamed of it, and has a hard time dealing with it mentally,......who he became from addiction. He's expressed that multiple times, and like any addict, "doesn't want to think about that." (although, I do think he will, and hopefully work through it) I also know that he did call his sponsor after our conversation....he became angry when I did...and today, said that he was working more on himself. The fact that he became angry was "his issue, not mine"....and not my fault. He "understands why I would have a reaction that I did" etc..
Of course, I am very grateful and happy that he's FINALLY working SO hard on his recovery, in so many ways that I haven't even written about, but wow, we sure can't turn off a switch and just shake off all the pain of the active addiction and the years of stress, anger, worry, pain, shame and horror. And yes, of course.....I'm very aware that it could also all begin again....God forbid. I do think it would be good for me to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon , which I've been to before, multiple times. But I've never really worked the steps or got a sponsor, and I'm sure it would help me work on this.
Any thoughts from all of you.....what have you been able to let go of ?
First of all, never be embarrassed about what you did to help D. You did at the time what you thought was best. The key is that as you learned about addiction and enabling you changed the way you interacted with him. I'm sure most of us paid drug dealers, etc. (I certainly did); and even today, I have moments where I can't seem to let go of the past.
ReplyDeleteMy family therapist quite often said, "while your addict is getting clean, he is learning a new "dance." And you need to learn a new "dance" as well. That way when the two of you come together, you aren't stepping on each other's toes. I hope that makes sense to you (it might work better when it is said out loud as opposed to typing it! LOL)
In the meantime, understand that he has a lot to learn and some things will come easy and some things will not. So sometimes he will say things that are very disturbing or will make you sad or angry; and other times you will have awesome interactions with him. But through all of this, if you are working on your own health and well being, it will get easier (at least that's the path I've tried to take).
You remain in my thoughts and my prayers.
thank you Lisa....I know it will take time. but thank you for your comment....and most of all, that I'm in your thoughts and prayers....you know that means a lot.
ReplyDeleteYour son and my son are like one person in two different bodies. What you are dealing with now is what I've been dealing with since he first got clean. I expected him to want to pay us all back for what he's been given and for what he's taken.
ReplyDeleteHasn't happened. It might take YEARS to happen. It might NEVER happen.
I've told myself it will NEVER happen, and I will be pleasantly surprised if and when it ever does.
PS. Your post is difficult to read without paragraphs. ;)
thanks Lori,....I had indented instead of separated the paragraphs,....which really didn't take. Hopefully, it is easier to read now.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly don't have to feel embarrassed for paying off a dealer, or for anything else. If we all compared our stories we'd find out there are more similarities than differences in dealing with our addicts.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling EXACTLY the same as you describe here. It wasn't that long ago. I was so angry at what he'd done and how little it seemed to effect him.
Something inside me has changed recently. I can't explain why, but the anger is gone.
Maybe I've just become resigned to it all, but also, I've seen something different in Kev so I am allowing myself to be hopeful.
Lori, I was always amazed how my daughter never thought that she owed anyone for anything she stole. She told me that the drugs made her do it and it was not her fault. In the meantime, I have shaken it all off, including her. I have also forgiven her but I have never stopped loving her.
ReplyDelete