Monday, January 10, 2011
need to be taking care of business....my own, not his
Ugh....I'm really not as capable of this as I'd hoped I'd be. D is now in the halfway house, got settled yesterday. He's there with his bike...his only mode of transportation, to find or get to any type of job. When he first got there, he called (first time to have a cell phone again) and was negative, said he didn't like it there at all, way too many rules and regulations they hadn't told him about...it wouldn't be helpful for his sobriety, etc. I must admit, although I didn't act that way to him, and said reasonable and positive things to him on the phone....internally, I freaked out a bit. ("oh no, what if he won't stay there now...what if he gets into an argument with someone that lives there, what if he takes off....what will happen if the court here in VA. then finds out....what if he gets all pissed off and takes off and then wants to get high".....what if, what if, what if)...it was lame.....of me, I mean. About an hr. and 1/2 later, he called back....said that he'd thought about it, realized that the strictest rules were only for the first 30 days, and was thankful to just have his cell phone back and also have a new bike. (He'd also taken his medicine in the meantime,....once again, major help there.) Then, later on, ..since he doesn't have a computer to use in the house he's in....can only go to the library to use one, and needs 2 forms of I.D.,...for the moment, he only has 1,....I was looking up places for him to apply for jobs from here at home, then texting him the addresses and phone numbers, how far they were from where he's living, etc.. I mean, geez....I was texting him this stuff during my precious minutes of planning time at work/school today. Any of you that may be a teacher out there...you know how more ridiculous that is. Then, I was worrying more....how will he find a job if he can only have jobs he can get to on a bicycle? I thought this place also at times helps with transportation...that's what the info. said before he moved in there, etc.. D texted me....".Mom, how about I just work on my recovery, and you work on your co-dependency ?" Well,...those drugs didn't take away all of his previous smart thinking, now did they ? What is wrong with me ? I really need to make some more major adjustments in my thinking and behavior. As much as I've dreamed of him working on his recovery.....I hadn't realized how much I'd have to adjust to that.....to even get used to him actually following through on things he needs to do....to imagine him being responsible and productive again....as he once was so long ago. And yes, yes, I know....even if he's NOT doing all of those things.....to just work on taking care of my own business, not his.