Free rehabs ?

Believe it or not,....not for D,...but I know one of you posted a list of rehabs that are low cost or even free. I can't find where that list is and a good friend needs it as soon as possible. Could any of you help ?

Incredibly Mean...

I just read a comment on my former neighbor/friend's Facebook page. The friend of my neighbor wrote, "favorite tweet today on Twitter,...congrats Whitney, you now have 4 days sober. ". My neighbor replied,..thanks (as in, for the laugh), ha ha ha ha.

I must say,...that really hit me,....I just got so angry, yet sad, all at the same time. And I must add,....the neighbor, former close friend, was one who was in our house about daily, when D was in his worst stages before(although he's now competing with that stage again,..hope not). She saw all of the pain & horrific things that happened. In the end, from unrelated circumstances,...not related to me much, but her marriage,...she ended up to be not much of a friend at all, & I was very hurt by it. But I digress. I just meant that she's seen a lot of addiction pain close up, from D & us. Although she wasn't the one that posted the comment,...she did laugh & go along with it,..although I'm sure she wasn't thinking of D nor me when she did. Ironically, she lives in FLA. now, in the same town that D does,..though they certainly never see each other. He used to be her # 1 babysitter for her son,...before the hell ride began, when D was someone that everyone thought was the greatest kid.

But the person who posted that was the one I'm really referring to as the mean one. I mean,,,even if you don't understand the disease aspect of addiction,...what the hell is wrong with people? Of course, I didn't keep my mouth shut( no surprise there), & commented that her "joke" was mean & disgusting,...& said,...you should pray that's not your daughter some day. Another guy/friend of my old neighbor's then commented,..."oh God,..please don't let my daughter grow up to be like Whitney". I know his comment was tongue in cheek,... Ecause really,..I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that could really ever happen. All I can say is,...neither did we, right ?

D is in the sober living house,...& his sponsor didn't "drop him" like D thought he would. D's sponsor also said that he thinks D should go to a 6mo. to 1 year treatment place. That got to me,...as well as a conversation I ad with D today,...when he said he thinks if himself as a "junkie" now. Ugh. It was awful to hear him say that & I told him not to say that &/or give it any energy. As if my suggestive "energy" can somehow sway the nearby of addiction,...sigh. D told me he continues to feel like getting high, but hasnt today nor plans to. Hed gone to 1 meeting earlier in the day & was going to another tonight I pray he's right on the not using today. That's all we've got,..right now. I'm working had on not projecting.

Praying for D's recovery & for you & yours too

Knife in the heart on Valentine's Day

Well,..part of my non posting is due to issues with my laptop & it's sudden challenge to me to getting onto blogger,..ugh Therefore, I am doing this on an IPad with the big annoyance of the "typing" on it, which is more like one finger at a time/non typing. Again,..thank you SO much for your comments,...they're just so supportive to me.

Despite the big confession that D made,...that he initiated,..& his distraught feelings then that I do know were real,..more has been revealed. When I last posted, he'd told me/us about using,..and was truly so upset,...and we learned all the fallout from it,...drums were gone,..pArt of the rent $ etc etc. He really was miserable,..was going to now turn it around, & for the past week since then, "seemed" to be doing better.

Then,. Yesterday afternoon, I was home, out of work, due to S having foot surgery & me staying home from work to help him. The phone rang,..about 2 pm,..& I answered , hearing D's voice, very upset. He said he wasn't doing well at all,...started to cry on the phone. It all came out. Apparently,..despite his prior intentions(can't we all relate to this ?)! Yes,...he'd continued to use,..& it only got worse. Are you ready for this,,...he sold his CAR & had gone through all that $ on cocaine ! And yes,...it was a very crappy (POS) car ....but it was a running car that go him to work each day ! I mean,,,really ? ? And,,,he pawned other things too,...& finally, as he cried, he told me,.. "I smoked crack last night.". Not that his regular coke snorting is some benign activity,...but damn !! He said,..I can't keep doing this (no shit),... I have to do something different." So, he arranged to go back into the sober living house where he'd been, which is only 4 doors down fom hs house. God bless her, the woman who owns the SL House told him he could stay for a month for free. Thank you Trish. ! Meanwhile, his rent's paid & the 2 new roommates are over in his house, now w/out D even there. He gave the house manager his ID card & ATM cad & his about $8 of cash.

I then talked to him today,...he had today off from work. He sounded terrible,...like e was just wallowing in it, if ya know what I mean. Right now.I'm just very over it & fed up & pissed off. As has been said,..it's much easier to detach this way. I don't know what will be, obviously. . .....

The downhill roll

D's not good. I do think he truly wants to be better, but is more depressed & just texted me this : (in reply to my text " How ya doing now ? You ok ?"). He said " not really. I might need to go to the psych ward or treatment or somewhere. I'm at a meeting. I'll call you and explain a little later. ".

After 7 1/2 mo.s of being clean,...here we are again. And I did learn,...that he'd run out of his medicine & hasn't been taking it for almost 2 weeks. Coincidence ? I think not. That's what happened the last time he relapsed. Add in a breakup with the girlfriend & suddenly going off his medicine,..not a good combo.

Ironically, D's the one that told me once,...if I'm not really working on my recovery, my addiction's always pumping iron,..,waiting to work on me. No kidding. : (

So,..I'm waiting now for his call, to see what the next thing is to happen.

Thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. They mean a lot to me. You're all the only ones that truly understand.
And S and I are fine. He is not normally like what I described the other night. He's very remorseful for his words to me. He really is a loving & honorable husband,...just had to add that. Thanks for listening.

Lies, Using, Pain, Anger

 Well,...he didn't get right back on track. Another Sun. night revelation...and it's all bad,...really bad.  I talked to D earlier this evening.  He wanted to tell me the truth he said.  I've had bad feelings since the middle of this past week...and per usual, my gut was right.  Yes, he did go get that white chip last Sun.,..at least, from what I can tell, he did.  Then, he didn't use for 2 days. He stayed home from work and slept most of his days.  He called in sick on the first day, but then, fortunately, had the next day off, then called in sick on Wed..  He started using again.....through earlier today.  His new drum set is gone, all of his just received tax return is gone and part of the rent money my husband just gave him is gone. The 2 new guy roommates put in the rest of their share of the rent since they just moved in, so he says that they have the rent $ aside, ready to pay.  D and I had a conversation, in which he cried, was desperate sounding.....saying he didn't want to go on this way.  He said that he didn't do everything his sponser told him to do (obviously) and just went and started using some more. He said he can't keep going on like this....doesn't want to live this way,...doesn't want to die, "doesn't want to have us bury him".  He said that he knows it will lead to that if he keeps going,...he's going to start over, totally surrender his will, his way, etc..  It was terrible.  I went through that conversation very pissed at him in some parts, very sad in other parts,...and with my heart breaking overall.  He was going to  get off the phone, call his sponser, go to a meeting, and get another white chip.

   I got off the phone and related the conversation to my husband, S, who was watching the beginning of the Super Bowl.  After that, it went downhill between S and me.  Many things were said back and forth between us. S was really really pissed at D(understandably),....and then ended up very angry at me. He said that D was trying to just manipulate me.   He'd had a few drinks and I know that influenced what he was saying. I said something about that and then it just escalated from there.  He said terrible things to me, really bad.  He then said that I was so f'd up and was the worst enabler,....stormed upstairs.  He was screaming at me, even from upstairs and I told him to shut the bedroom window,...feeling like the neighbors were hearing all of this. 

  That's where we are now....I feel just numb.  It's amazing how addiction can still wreak it's havoc from 4 states away from the addict.  I don't know what to think.  I just don't.  I feel like D is going to keep trying to be in recovery.....but am I just naive ?   Like I said....I feel numb at the moment

A Broken Heart

  I did text and later talk to D today. At first though....hadn't heard from him again later last night, even though he'd said he'd text me after the meeting, being that he'd been so very very upset when we spoke on the phone. But, later in the evening, before I went to bed...hadn't had any text, nor did he answer mine when I texted him. So, then I called him before I went to bed....no answer. I just said a prayer for God to keep him clean tonight and went to bed, slept well.  Then., I went off to work this morning....thinking he'd wake up and see my texts and text me back...nothing.  I must admit, I started to feel that old familiar freaked out feeling at school/work. Of course, I was with the kids,....on the job, ..no time to get involved with D, but I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed, like I used to feel at school,...even felt impatient with the kids. : (   I even thought....wow,..how did I do that for so long when D was so bad, with this job ?    Of course, I was also thinking....why didn't he answer last night?...he has $,..nothing to stop him from keeping on going ,.....if he doesn't go to work today, he'll lose the job...on and on,...right back into the crazy mode. UGH.

   I went about my morning and at about only 9:30 a.m., my cell phone rang in the classroom...I hadn't put it on vibrate.  Not only that, I answered it...I knew it was him.  (Of course, the kids are thrilled if I answer the phone...go figure).  Anyway, it was D telling me he was o.k.,...that he had gone to the meeting last night and picked up a white chip. He said he wasn't going to work today...had called in sick. Obviously, with me being in the classroom, our conversation was very brief.

  Later, early this evening, he called,...said he'd slept until 4 p.m., and finally had come home to his house. He'd stayed overnight at the sober living house he used to live in, which is only 5 houses away from his. He knows everyone there and didn't want to be alone.  I was glad he'd gone there,...and that he'd had it to go to. He said that he felt like still sleeping some more,...sounded quite sad.  I asked him what he was most sad about and he said, "that she's gone."   He said that he was going to go to an 8 p.m. meeting though (GOOD).    He has the next 2 days off from work, which isn't typical,..usually only has 1 off sometime during the week.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...having the next 2 days off.  I'd say,...not a good thing,...not that my opinion on that is either here nor there.

  Basically....the "boy" has a broken heart, despite the fact that he ended the relationship...regarding calling it what it was and saying it had to stop. But really, Stacy ended it when she stopped caring about him the way she had before. He did still care about her, want to be with her,..just wanted her to still be into it....thus, he's feeling quite heartbroken. I'm sure that most of us have gone through this at one time or another, or more than that,..and truly, it does suck.  I remember it.  Just that our addicts don't do very well with those heartbreaking feelings, as we know.

  He also said that he'd had about 15 voice mails today, from various people that know what happened and are concerned about him,...he hadn't answered the phone at all.  I pointed out how many people cared about him...people that he hadn't even known a little over a year ago.  I am grateful for them,....addicts caring about other addicts.  Thank God for them.

   I am grateful for all of YOU.  I so appreciate your comments on last night's post.  Lou...you really summed it up.  And yes, I do really know about the relapses...and don't believe that it's unusual.  I also know that D is doing what he needs to do (hopefully) from what he's progressed to in his recovery.  I say hopefully, because I'm not there, and one really never knows.  But D did say,..."Mom, I had a choice....and I chose the wrong thing.  I always have a choice."   Let's hope he makes the next right one...and keeps making them after that too.

   Hoping that your loved ones will be doing the same as well.  Thank you again for your words of support , etc..  Don't know what I'd have done without my bloggie peeps these past years...you've been and continue to be the best.

Doesn't Pay to Procrastinate

Hi all,.....seems like way too long since I've written here.  I keep meaning to, and certainly keep reading and commenting upon your blogs daily, but haven't updated my own. Actually, between "stuff" I always need to get done between work and home,...there never seems to be enough time. (Don't even get me going on my job....the sucker up of all available time.)So....I'd planned to finally, finally, sit down and post this tonight....as I am. 

 Anyway......D has continued to do VERY well.....it has been more amazing that I can really describe. In fact, that even actually made me a bit hesitant to post.  With Annette, Barbara, VJ, Dee, Anna, Terri's and many others' sons/daughters still using, or out there somewhere (like Helga's daughter)...it actually made me feel sad in another way to post how well D is doing.  How codependent am I??  Now I'm not sharing because I'm too worried about all of you.  But then, ....I think it may have been Her Big Sad that did make me realize....it can give hope to others too,...that YES, they can and really will "get it" and make the necessary steps and keep working on recovery, and WOW, what beautiful things can emerge from that.  Beautiful is the only word for it,....my husband says that same word....it best describes what it's been like. 

   To be apt about the description,...here's what we've been seeing,...for quite awhile now, and D's had 7 mo.s clean thus far.  He's continued to work at his job and other than that, work on his recovery...about 5 or 6 meetings per week...sometimes more. He's become connected to the recovery community there, and has many friends now, male friends that are clean for awhile ( 1 for 5 yr.s !) that he can hang out with.  He's bought (yes, HIS own $) a drum kit again and is playing drums and jamming with some other guys regularly,...which he was so into back when. He'd lost all of that to drugs,..the time to do it, the passion for it,...and even the actual drums ...everything,..he'd pawned.  But, I digress.   He has continued to live with "Stacy"...and that relationship was pretty stable and o.k., from what we could tell,...for awhile anyway. (more on them later)     But, overall...he's just progressed to where he acts SO much more mature, more thoughtful, more understanding, giving, patient, ...you name it.  I can laugh with him again,.....can say whatever to him and he's NOT at all defensive, and doesn't react angrily....AT ALL.  It's just beyond what I can really articulate well.  He takes "life on life's terms" as he's said from an NA/AA term,...and although many times, things haven't been easy, he continues on....doing the next right thing.  NA has saved him....given him a new life, and it's been an incredible thing to see my original, real D come back.  He's been planning ahead now, getting things done ....will begin community college in June....he's done all of the looking into things, finding out info., etc..

So....then I'd noticed from things he'd say on the phone, and when we recently saw him around Jan. 1st (in New Orleans...of all places, for an addict, yikes), that things seemed dysfunctional between D and Stacy.  Stacy comes off as a quite confident young woman, but she's also a recovering addict who I know (from D) has had a very very tough journey...and has done some horrible things and had horrible experiences. She's a recovering heroin addict and that weekend in New Orleans, I learned she used to also be a stripper. I know...not that surprising, with a female addict,...I don't mean judgment on that, truly,..just have a heart for all that Stacy's gone though. But between the 2 of them, Stacy seemed to dominate D, and it struck me that there was an unbalanced relationship...as I'd perceived from things D had already said in passing to me about them. 

 Going forward to more recently...things weren't going well between them , and D was unhappy about it. They had become more distant from each other, and she was irritable toward him and critical.  They discussed their issues etc., and finally Stacy admitted that she didn't feel for D what she had felt before,....so now what ?  So then, earlier this week, D told Stacy that he couldn't do this anymore, if she wasn't "into him"...that he deserved more...that he didn't have to keep going on like this, and told her they were through....broke up with her. So, all this past week, it's been difficult and Stacy moved out,...going to live with her sponsor and another young woman they both know.   D seemed to be (incredibly) taking it well,...was calm about it , but certainly not happy about any of it,..not at all.   However, he quickly pursued finding other roommates...2 guys in recovery he knows, and they're supposed to move in next weekend.  I /we were kind of amazed how well he was taking it all, despite the fact that he texted me last Fri. night that he wanted to use...and to please pray for him. I did !! 

But, he did just what he should do. He tried to contact his sponsor, who couldn't be reached due to being away skiing, out of cell phone reach, which was very atypical. But D reached out to others he knows there in recovery, went and spent time with them, went to meetings, has been doing OK, considering the circumstances.   Then,...just this weekend, all of this got even worse. Stacy has already moved out and D's been in the house there alone since the new guys haven't moved in yet. Apparently, Friday night (two days ago), it really all hit him harder and he was really very very sad and having a much harder time emotionally about it all.  Yet, he seemed to be hanging in there and last night, he called me in the late afternoon, saying that 2 of his friends were coming over soon to jam. He even said that he was doing some planning to make sure that he was going to fill his time in a way that was good for him, especially with Stacy being gone.  In fact, just recently, he'd been asked to go and represent NA at a hospital program for teenagers (14 - 18 yr. olds) who are addicts....to speak to them, ..tell his story etc..  He was so happy to be selected to do this...and would be going each week. Here he is only 20 himself, but that was a reason that maybe he could make some difference. His words were, "Maybe what I'll say will go in one ear and out the other, but maybe one of them will listen to me. And even if they don't,...it'll help keep me clean, so that's good. "  As I said, a beautiful thing to hear for us.

  So....early this evening, I got a phone call from D.  He was crying,...so much so that I could barely understand what he was saying.  His words:  "Mom, I got high last night.  I can't believe I did it...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,...I'm so sorry I let you  down.  I'm so sorry I let everyone down.  Oh my God." etc.etc.....sobbing and sobbing.  : (

  We talked more...his dad got on the phone after me. I swear, it was more a thing of us trying to comfort him and having him stop beating himself up.  He was so distraught.  I don't think I've heard him this way in....well, I can't remember when.  He said he was going to go to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip,...that he was so embarrassed, etc..  He said that after the guys were there playing music last night, he didn't share how he was feeling with them,...that he left the house, went to a very bad part of town and starting asking random people/strangers where to find drugs(cocaine).  He also said that his sponsor had told him to F__  jamming with those guys and to go to a damn meeting...or he was going to end up high.  Apparently, he'd missed a meeting the night before too.  Sigh.

 So...that's the current state of our union.  I'm praying that D will forgive himself and just keep going forward and do what he was doing before all of this hit him emotionally in the last week.  I also hope he uses this experience to help him KNOW beyond all doubt how slippery it can all be,...and SO quickly too.  That he has to always guard his recovery, especially during the bumps in the road.  There will always be bumps in the road.     So....I procrastinated on telling you all the good news,...and now there is bad news again.  : (  Please keep D in your prayers.