Monday, May 2, 2011

damn deceit

well,....go figure,....things aren't just as they seem, totally.  D does continue to maintain his sobriety, least as far as we know, anyway.  But,...yesterday, my husband, S, was at the grocery store, and just so happened to run into another couple, who are the parents of a long using friend of D's.  We know this couple well, and have even been to court with them(on the same side, not against them)...but that's another long story. They're still struggling with their son, and their house was a place that D used to go to a lot,...and it wasn't good.  Over that house, much as the mom & step dad "tried" to make it not so, things weren't as restrictive as needed to be,...and many kids would be in and out of there,....often doing what they shouldn't do.  : (   S stopped and talked with them and they talked of how happy they are that D is doing so well now,...and how their son isn't where D is.  They said that they'd "seen D when he came over the last time (recently) he was back home".   S thought.....oh shit.   They were referring to the recent trip that D made back here for court on April 12th, which ended up late May. 

 While he was here, I can remember how I was driving in the car with him, and he got a text and mentioned how it was from that friend ,...the son of the couple in the grocery store.  I was alarmed right away...and he said ,.."I'm not even answering him...he must have heard that I was in town, but he's never even been in contact with me all these months....I certainly want nothing to do with him." we learn....not so much,...of the truth that is.

  The thing is.....holy's the kid that is all about living so far away because he KNOWS he can't handle being around here,....too many triggers, he says he's uncomfortable being here,....and he walks back into the lion's den ????  Being over that house...even if things are more controlled now while there, ...he would still be with at least one or probably many more, drug users !!

   We have gone through SO MUCH...never mind the past almost 5 yr.s of PAIN, but just recently....flying him back and forth for court,, going down there to spend time with him (VERY expensive), which we chose to do,...but feeling that he's all into his recovery, and by all other accounts does seem to be.  He's working, but we're still paying his sober living rent, and supporting him in so many ways....don't forget the car repairs, ugh.   And really, it ISN'T about money,....but our support has been steadfast while he's been working on his recovery, whether emotionally, time wise, or whatever way was needed.

  BUT , I just can't handle his deceit / bullshit anymore.  I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. It's something that is indicative of where he is overall.  I really do believe he's clean,...but it still calls so much into question about things he's telling us.

   Isn't it something,....when they do these things....that we're the ones that feel stupid ?  At the moment, I'm fed up.  


  1. Sorry to say the deciet and the bullshit don't just go away because he is in recovery. This takes time and usually lots of it. Lying has become second nature to addicts. They actually have to practice telling the truth; it doesn't come naturally.

    He told you he had to get away from old friends. Now you know how serious he was. He cannot control his urge to see them. So he has opted for distance. And that's a good choice. At least he knows his triggers. Sure, you're pissed he lied, but then again that's what addicts do. And remember addicts in recovery are still addicts.

    My son is into his third year of sobriety. Even he admits the lying was a tough one to overcome. And he still has to work at it everyday.

    You have a right to not believe or trust him. He needs to prove himself trustworth. And it will take time.

    I remember at one point in our son's recovery that I realized "if I ask him no questions, he'll tell me no lies." That helped.

    Hang in there. Recovery is a long hard road. And, as Melanie Beatie said "nothing makes you crazier than believing lies".

    God Bless

  2. Damn. Sorry to hear this. No matter what his excuse for lying to you ("I didn't want you to worry") its a bad sign. I can imagine how you feel, I really can, been there and it does feel like a kick in the gut or a slap in the face and you do feel stupid! Interesting that S just happened to run into this couple and find out...maybe a lesson to D that he can't get away with lies as easy as he thinks. Are you going to confront him?

    I've heard that there is no room for dishonesty or deceit in recovery. Also - just read Lou's post on the danger of hanging out with anyone you used with (do you read Subdural Flow II? its must reading for all of us!!!)

    Sorry you have to go through this. Ugh.

  3. I second everything yaya wrote. My son has become a habitual liar which is sadly the way addicts are. He lies about the most ridiculous things and all of his friends know it.

    He has a deep scar on his back from where we had a mole removed when he was 10 and later on tells everyone he was shot. What the hell? Really?

    This is one of the things they told me when he was in rehab (for a short time) all these lies, actions, behavior that addicts have become a way of life and even when they are sober it is very hard for them to change and does take a long time.

    He is young and this is still new to him. The fact that he was even willing to go to other State is a miracle in my eyes. My son won't period.

    This whole thing is a process for them and us. My son is still using and at this point I no longer lecture or question because I don't want to hear the lies.

    Hang in there and try to remember how much he is doing and how young he is.

  4. Your son parallels my son in just about every way. I hate the lies probably most of all. I can't imagine ever trusting my son again.

    I have no advice except to say hang in there. Every day he doesn't use is a good day.

  5. The lying was one of the most painful things about my son's addiction. His ability to look me in the eye and lie was like a slap in the face. My son wants to know why I don't believe him now because this time he is telling the truth. I always chuckle...I just can't help myself and say "and how would I know that? You have always been so good at it, forgive me if it takes a couple of years..." He is not amused but it is really the truth...I am not sure when I will believe him????

  6. When I read this I immediately thought of an incident a few years ago. I was visiting my son's house and my daughter called. I remember sitting in the livingroom talking to her on the phone. When I hung up I recited the conversation to my son and he said, see mom, how deceiving she is and you are so gullable that you believe her. She's got you, after you talk to her you start doubting yourself and your instincts. That is the power our drug addicted children have over us. The problem is that we want to believe them so bad, because it is our desire that they stay clean and in recovery, not so much theirs. I can't remember the details of the conversation with my daughter, only that it had something to do with her phone and that I had not been able to reach her and then her explanations, etc. It really is always the same thing, isn't it? Sorry that you have to go through that. Trust your instincts, though, whether you want to or not. I am sorry you have to go through this pain. I have walked in your shoes and it hurts.

  7. When my son had his periods of sobriety I would believe anything. I desperately wanted him clean so I fell for whatever he said only to learn I was being slowly sucked back into the chaos of relapse.

    Is there a book/manual published yet on, "How to Parent an Addicted Child?"

    In prayer for all our children.

  8. Thanks for your comment on my blog! I'm glad so many with addicted children understand there is often an accompanying mental problem. I read back in your posts, and see your son takes Abilify for anxiety. My son has had severe anxiety since he was very young also, but the drs put him on meds for bipolar. They say that is the primary dx they must treat. I don't know which came first, addiction or mental problems, and at this point I don't care anymore. I just know my son needs to take his meds, and often forgets just like your son.

    So glad for you that D is doing so well! There is hope for everyone.