It's too lengthy to explain how I have started to post at least 3 or more times prior to this,...but yet again, procrastinated,...and stopped. There's been so much to say, to explain....to start from the beginning....just too much. Ironically, the last time I posted....way too long ago,...I was talking about D's deceit when he was last here regarding where he went and with whom. Ironically, I found out more about that too,...(from him) and that wasn't as negative as I'd first thought, although he did go somewhere where it wasn't the best place to be, briefly. But, he was really into his recovery at that point, and being here made him uncomfortable and at times, sad. He started to feel extremely squirrely and called me at work (remember me talking about that?) ....and had someone (an old friend, not an addict) pick him up. But I digress....
Since then, (that was around April 12th ).....so much has been happening,...I have to resort to bullets:
* continued to do well....we saw him in FLA. during spring break (for me from work) ,spent time together...it was great.
* said he was having trouble sleeping....a lot....found out that he'd stopped taking his medicine,...not at all purposely,....but by forgetting, and no one at the sober living house reminds him(not saying it's their responsibility) but with the ADHD , easy to forget,...I thought....oh no
** became depressed....continued to have trouble sleeping....I KNOW, a direct result of suddenly going off the meds. : (
**(didn't find this out 'til later, of course), but....another roommate..more than one, was smoking spice/ K-2, and D knew it....saw it,....had been pissed off about it before....but then, did it with one of them : ( I don't think this would have happened if he wasn't depressed....but , nevertheless,...it happened.
** continued to smoke spice....much more than one time,....didn't sound right on the phone,...I really thought something was up. Sounded like he was lying around, not motivated....you know the drill,...but was continuing to work and go to meetings ,...but didn't sound like he was going to as many meetings as before.....normally daily
** on the phone...before coming up here for court (today),...said he had to tell us something...that he'd relapsed on spice,...but got back to working on his recovery(had been taking his meds. again by the way),..I swear, as simple as me setting an alarm on his phone while in FLA. with him...I know,..not my job,.but it did work
** another bad phone call shortly before coming up here this past weekend...he'd lost his job....from being late 3 times....due to having been using spice, not getting enough sleep, not getting up on time,..ugh
**called one night, trying to get us to put $40 into his account that night...needed $ for food on the weekend, but needed that within the hour....hmm, my antennas are up
** right before arriving here this past weekend....got his job back !,...surprise,..due to having gone back to see the manager when he picked up his paycheck and apologizing etc.,....score one for the right side
** arrives here this past Sun. for court today,....not right away, but during the time since Sunday, finally admits that the relapse was more than he's been letting on...ugh. It went from spice to a full blown cocaine run....in one week, went through his 2 paychecks of about $500...and oh yeah...he never had been fired from the job,..but had just stopped showing up, thus had "lost the job" that way, but he actually did get it back
**Sun. afternoon,....really wants to get his favorite Chinese food...which is right down the street from us(prior to us knowing about the cocaine,and thinking the spice was short lived),...I give him $15 and my husband lets him DRIVE HIS CAR too...just down the street....he does now have his license back now.
** Sun. night...hubby actually lets him again (mind you,before the big confession) take his car to an NA meeting,..then was going to stop at a friend's house(a girl) but NOT be home late. It's a "school/work night"...I wake up at 1:15...D's still not home,...I call him..he comes home...ugh,...not good
** Mon.,..we go to work.... I come home after running errands,...already had his dad loan him the car again, for a "6 p.m. meeting",....I hadn't even told my hubby about the 1:30 a.m. arrival home the night before. I go online....do not find any 6 p.m. meeting...tell him to get home....stop his bullshit,...via text. He gets home by 8:30
** We have words,..the 3 of us (just like old times...back in the saddle again)...my husband gets pissed and goes to bed at 8:50. D stays home the rest of the night...or so I think.
** 2 a.m.,..phone rings...oh God,...you know how your heart beats when that happens?
(showing my age....but I have to quickly fumble to put the glasses on to see the caller ID)....dreading that it's the police, but no(thank GOD), it's not...but my neighbor's name. I answer,...she says....sorry, but her husband(he works night shift)...just saw D leaving the neighborhood in your car, the Corvette(hubby's 30th anniversary gift to me last year)....I'm thinking you might not know that? Mind you...this neighbor and I have been through it together....she was the one who had to call me years ago when D was dealing pot out his 2nd story bedroom window, by dropping the baggies down and she had to call and tell me.....can you spell humiliation?...whatever...way past that ....big time
** I call D....amazingly,..he does come right back....this is improvement.....he didn't do his old "worst times" response of "I don't give an F" or some such reply. And for those of you experienced veteran parents of addicts who're thinking...Holy Hell...where was your purse and keys ? My purse was in my bedroom, right next to my bed on the floor where my husband & I slept...but that little f'er tiptoed in and had the b--ls to take it right from there, with both of us right there...and mind you, have the garage door open, which is noisy, albeit at the opposite end of the house though. That damn cpap machine of my hubby's does block some noise with the whooshing and all. Guess we both sleep soundly these days. I must have become slouchy since my old 2 a.m. night watchman days when D was in high school and trying to get past me to sneak out of the house.
** Oh wow....we are amazed at how fast we've gone back to the old hell ....zero to 60,..as quick as the Corvette. : (
** Tuesday,...we go to work....D is here....what else can we do ? We are both taking off work for court the next day. We come home...he's in his old room,(WHY?) where he used to use......which we've been storing things in....we had the guest room ready for him...all nice. It's like a metaphor..he's all wrapped up in a blanket,...sleeping although it's only late afternoon. : ( He rallies briefly to eat something with us and his brother...not much. He looks shitty. His dad had already checked to make sure his court clothes were clean and ready...on the hanger,..but that's before he even got here.
** Today...we go to court....another continuance...amazingly, which is really a good thing for D....because the prosecution hasn't been able to locate their one witness(in 7 mo.s...how long do they get?) He might even have a shot at not being convicted if they don't find her...or have it reduced to a misdemeanor vs. a felony, if they do...must come back on June 7th (our anniversary...how nice)
** As we leave the courthouse...just on the steps !...it's like he suddenly goes "into the darkness" again. Not trying to be melodramatic..., but that's what it feels like and I swear...he even looks like to me, during those times. He totally flipped, and said that he didn't want to go back to FLA. 'til court...he was staying here. What?? And so it began...it was awful...continued on to at home,..which my husband, S, went back to, even though he was planning to continue on to work from court. But, being that D was being unreasonable...etc., he came back home with us. And then it began in earnest...D was saying, "I don't give a shit",..all of the old sayings...ugh. We quickly let him know that if he didn't go back on his flight that night(last night),...he wasn't living here with us....he had to get out. Anyway,.....then we got him to take his medicine (remember how I say how the Abilify is like a miracle for him?) About 20 min.s later...he comes downstairs....totally turned around,...apologizes, etc.,...saying he'll go back...doesn't want to hurt us,...and that he's SO sick of all of this. Well,...yeah, us too.
I drive him to the airport....reach into my purse, and see that he stole all but about $4 out of it !! And even worse...which is very rare....I had about $200 in it, and I knew it was in the the night before when I took it to our bedroom again, but this time, hid it within our bedroom.....obviously he came into our room AGAIN (what are we, in a coma??) and FOUND IT where I'd hidden it ! : ( I was so pissed....I saw this right when he was about to get out of the car, when I was about to hug him good-bye...just told him, "just get out, get out now"....I was just so sickened and pissed. He welled up with tears and said, "Mom...that's why I am a piece of shit. I can't believe what I've done and how I'm right back where I started....again." Then he said..."You wait Mom,...you'll see, I'm going to come back a CHANGED person. " And off he went...back to FLA.
I have once again been through the old feelings of anger, sadness, despair, pain...you name it....all the same. But thank God he got on that plane....and I'm not talking about D,...I'm talking about S and me....we need to not have him living here....and deserve the peacefulness of that.