Monday, January 10, 2011
need to be taking care of business....my own, not his
Ugh....I'm really not as capable of this as I'd hoped I'd be. D is now in the halfway house, got settled yesterday. He's there with his bike...his only mode of transportation, to find or get to any type of job. When he first got there, he called (first time to have a cell phone again) and was negative, said he didn't like it there at all, way too many rules and regulations they hadn't told him about...it wouldn't be helpful for his sobriety, etc. I must admit, although I didn't act that way to him, and said reasonable and positive things to him on the phone....internally, I freaked out a bit. ("oh no, what if he won't stay there now...what if he gets into an argument with someone that lives there, what if he takes off....what will happen if the court here in VA. then finds out....what if he gets all pissed off and takes off and then wants to get high".....what if, what if, what if)...it was lame.....of me, I mean. About an hr. and 1/2 later, he called back....said that he'd thought about it, realized that the strictest rules were only for the first 30 days, and was thankful to just have his cell phone back and also have a new bike. (He'd also taken his medicine in the meantime,....once again, major help there.) Then, later on, ..since he doesn't have a computer to use in the house he's in....can only go to the library to use one, and needs 2 forms of I.D.,...for the moment, he only has 1,....I was looking up places for him to apply for jobs from here at home, then texting him the addresses and phone numbers, how far they were from where he's living, etc.. I mean, geez....I was texting him this stuff during my precious minutes of planning time at work/school today. Any of you that may be a teacher out there...you know how more ridiculous that is. Then, I was worrying more....how will he find a job if he can only have jobs he can get to on a bicycle? I thought this place also at times helps with transportation...that's what the info. said before he moved in there, etc.. D texted me....".Mom, how about I just work on my recovery, and you work on your co-dependency ?" Well,...those drugs didn't take away all of his previous smart thinking, now did they ? What is wrong with me ? I really need to make some more major adjustments in my thinking and behavior. As much as I've dreamed of him working on his recovery.....I hadn't realized how much I'd have to adjust to that.....to even get used to him actually following through on things he needs to do....to imagine him being responsible and productive again....as he once was so long ago. And yes, yes, I know....even if he's NOT doing all of those things.....to just work on taking care of my own business, not his.
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It's the very best thing you can do.. taking care of your business, not his. What a great example for him! So for now he is safe and sober.. so seems like a great time to take care of yourself. You deserve it! Hugs Kelly
ReplyDeletethanks Kelly....I don't know that I've set any example yet, but it is my goal,...to back out of his business and into my own. I appreciate your comment.
ReplyDeleteIt's a life style change. It happens over time. Trust me, I have come to experience it, and I live to tell about it. My daughter just retreated after I quit enabling her, and now I just love her and miss her but I don't obsess about her anymore. It's sad, the holidays are the worst, but it is also very liberating. You have to take the good with the bad, but the most important thing is to enjoy your life and love the ones you're with!
ReplyDeletewow...it reminds me of how I used to act... this fight is the real deal. I have never struggled with something more in my life than my addiction and mental illness-and I am proof that you can be delivered from BOTH. My prayers go out for your son :) Keep the faith.
ReplyDeleteI read many of your posts just now and can't believe that it could have been me writing them. Yea, I have paid of drug dealer's too for the same reason - my son is scared they are after him and blah, blah and like you I am pretty dam sure I just gave him money to buy more drugs. My Mom recently paid someone off a couple months ago. She was CONVINCED they were going to kill him. I also found out recently that all the people he told me that he would tattoo on then they didn't have the money to pay him were paying him...in DRUGS! The thousands of dollars he has stolen from us, all the items he has stolen from us won't be replaced and I doubt he will ever pay it back. At this point, I just pray that he can work through his program and hope that he can do the things that he really wants to-sober. Our entire family dynamic will have to change. You are doing great and thankfully so is your son. Someone told me today, that although my son is 20 he does not think like a 20 y.o. but more like a 15 y.o. Emotionally he does without a doubt. Hang in there. We will all get through this. Lots of love and praying.
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