Just wondering who's experienced this........nothing new, as D has been this way his whole life, ,...but even though your addict has been lying to you and /or manipulating (or at least trying to) you for a long time now.........does he/she (the addict you love), not necessarily trust you ?? Meaning,...when you tell him/her that you'll do something for your addict , do they keep reminding you or asking you about it..dare I say, nag ? Basically, through his/her actions and words....is it obvious that they're not going to be SURE that you'll follow through on what you'd said you'd do ? It's just so incredibly backward...for WE are the ones that they've been always able to count on....to do what we'd said we'd do,....show up when we said we would,...etc. etc..
At first....I was thinking that it's because the addict is himself/herself, so not trustworthy...for so long...usually years. But, at least with my son.....he's always been like this (and I mean ALWAYS) ,...way before he ever touched any kind of "substance" to alter his state of mind. It appears (for my son, anyway) to be a function of what's always been his inherent anxiety.....and that's the common factor that I keep reading and hearing about with others that have become addicts. : (
Our son showed anxiety from the age of 2 .....this is all so physical and biological. : (
What are your thoughts ??
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's All Relative
I had a thought at Easter dinner yesterday, and it's helped me put things into perspective, as I really needed to do. We were at my brother's house, and it was unusual in that it was just my husband and me for this holiday dinner,without even one of our "kids". Our daughter lives far away in Australia, D is in Fla., and our son who lives close by was to DJ a charity event later in the day that prevented him from making the 2 hr. trip with us down to my brother's house.
All during our kids' growing up years, and even before we had the kids, we've spent holidays with extended family members, as much as we could, depending on where we've lived, as we moved around with the military. Most of our holidays have been with the brother and his family that we were with yesterday. In fact, due to various factors, it's been much longer than usual since we've spent a holiday with my brother and his wife. What came back to me was the last holiday dinner we had with them, Christmas day, 2009,...since during this last one, we went up north to be with the other part of our extended families. Oh boy....what a difference from yesterday compared with that last Christmas dinner in 2009.
On that day, at our house, we'd opened gifts with my husband and our 2 sons...daughter was also away then. My brother, his wife and adult son were arriving in the early afternoon. After having some breakfast...the "boys" went upstairs to their rooms for awhile. I was down in the kitchen, cooking, etc., for the dinner later on. As was often the case in those terrible days....at some point in the late morning, I realized that D had once again slithered out. : ( He used to go down the back stairs from his room and just be gone....no noise, no bye, see ya later....I would imagine many of you may relate to this. But even the "experienced me" for some naive reason, didn't think he would do so on CHRISTMAS DAY. But as we all know, addiction certainly doesn't respect a holiday, even one as special to us as Christmas. I called him..he finally answered, acting like it was just normal behavior to do what he did....and oh yeah, he'd be back in a little while.
Well, my brother and family came in the very early afternoon,....bearing gifts,...we all sat and visited, enjoying each others' company, opening gifts, carols playing...so nice. Still, no D shows up. His gift from them remained waiting for his return. We had appetizers, sat and visited some more....still no D. Finally, after quite a long time, in mid afternoon, we all sat down at the dining room table for dinner,....this awesome beef tenderloin. Just as we sat down, who do we look out the window to see walking up the driveway ? D. He comes in, sits down at the table....obviously high. : ( No one says anything about that, and I said something about the food or what we had that he liked. His response...."nah, I'm not gonna eat,.....I already ate at 7-11." : ( You choose to eat at 7-11 on Christmas day ?? When we have this beautiful dinner at home ? double sigh....it was just all so pathetic, and even though our family knew all about D's "issues",....it was still embarrassing. It was sickening, and just indicative of all that he was doing and how messed up he was then.
Soooo, after my past couple of posts of worrying and being sad about where he's living, etc......yesterday totally helped me to get a grip and just be GRATEFUL !! As I said, yes, I already am grateful for him now working on his recovery and yes that's true......but even though D wasn't with us yesterday, I know that if he was at that table with us...he wouldn't have been high and would have been polite and enjoyed the great food and not have taken off when we looked the other way for a minute. The time I just spent with him showed me that.
He's been in touch with us quite a bit in the past couple of days and he's feeling MUCH better than he was. And yeah, something as simple as the daily alarm on his phone is working to remind him to take his medicine and he IS taking it now daily without forgetting. (yes, I was the one that set the alarm, not him...but oh well, it's working !) And today, he began his new job at the food place,....and was happy about it all.
Anyway.....things CAN change for the better. Here's hoping that these changes continue and can exist for all of our addicted loved ones.
All during our kids' growing up years, and even before we had the kids, we've spent holidays with extended family members, as much as we could, depending on where we've lived, as we moved around with the military. Most of our holidays have been with the brother and his family that we were with yesterday. In fact, due to various factors, it's been much longer than usual since we've spent a holiday with my brother and his wife. What came back to me was the last holiday dinner we had with them, Christmas day, 2009,...since during this last one, we went up north to be with the other part of our extended families. Oh boy....what a difference from yesterday compared with that last Christmas dinner in 2009.
On that day, at our house, we'd opened gifts with my husband and our 2 sons...daughter was also away then. My brother, his wife and adult son were arriving in the early afternoon. After having some breakfast...the "boys" went upstairs to their rooms for awhile. I was down in the kitchen, cooking, etc., for the dinner later on. As was often the case in those terrible days....at some point in the late morning, I realized that D had once again slithered out. : ( He used to go down the back stairs from his room and just be gone....no noise, no bye, see ya later....I would imagine many of you may relate to this. But even the "experienced me" for some naive reason, didn't think he would do so on CHRISTMAS DAY. But as we all know, addiction certainly doesn't respect a holiday, even one as special to us as Christmas. I called him..he finally answered, acting like it was just normal behavior to do what he did....and oh yeah, he'd be back in a little while.
Well, my brother and family came in the very early afternoon,....bearing gifts,...we all sat and visited, enjoying each others' company, opening gifts, carols playing...so nice. Still, no D shows up. His gift from them remained waiting for his return. We had appetizers, sat and visited some more....still no D. Finally, after quite a long time, in mid afternoon, we all sat down at the dining room table for dinner,....this awesome beef tenderloin. Just as we sat down, who do we look out the window to see walking up the driveway ? D. He comes in, sits down at the table....obviously high. : ( No one says anything about that, and I said something about the food or what we had that he liked. His response...."nah, I'm not gonna eat,.....I already ate at 7-11." : ( You choose to eat at 7-11 on Christmas day ?? When we have this beautiful dinner at home ? double sigh....it was just all so pathetic, and even though our family knew all about D's "issues",....it was still embarrassing. It was sickening, and just indicative of all that he was doing and how messed up he was then.
Soooo, after my past couple of posts of worrying and being sad about where he's living, etc......yesterday totally helped me to get a grip and just be GRATEFUL !! As I said, yes, I already am grateful for him now working on his recovery and yes that's true......but even though D wasn't with us yesterday, I know that if he was at that table with us...he wouldn't have been high and would have been polite and enjoyed the great food and not have taken off when we looked the other way for a minute. The time I just spent with him showed me that.
He's been in touch with us quite a bit in the past couple of days and he's feeling MUCH better than he was. And yeah, something as simple as the daily alarm on his phone is working to remind him to take his medicine and he IS taking it now daily without forgetting. (yes, I was the one that set the alarm, not him...but oh well, it's working !) And today, he began his new job at the food place,....and was happy about it all.
Anyway.....things CAN change for the better. Here's hoping that these changes continue and can exist for all of our addicted loved ones.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
struggling
I texted back and forth with D last night....he'd been struggling all day. He had a strong urge to use and was uncomfortable with the whole feeling in a big way.(isn't that always the case, discomfort?) I'm telling you...this always happens when he suddenly, for many days at a time, goes off the medicine (antidepressant) he normally takes. Then for the love of God, WHY does he let it happen AGAIN ?? Ugh ! It does help him, and most importantly, even if he wasn't going to stay on it anymore, he should NOT suddenly go off it. Doing that causes this. : ( Anyway, he was in touch with his sponsor, and at one point, was considering going over the stay the night at the sponsor's house, but ended up not doing that, and was o.k.,...at least that's what he's telling me.
It's now Sat. afternoon and I just talked with him briefly. He'd just returned from meeting a girl he knows from treatment for lunch. Apparently, she lives in Atlanta, and drove all the way from there,....a looong way, to see him. They had become good friends while in treatment together. He said that he didn't even know she was coming to see him until she was already in town and called him to get together. I asked if she knew anyone else there, in the town he lives in. He said no. I asked....well, geez, what if you were out of town for a couple of days, or had to work the entire time she is there ? Wouldn't you think she'd call and ask about that before driving all of that way ? He said, "Mom,..that's how addicts think...no prior planning. " And I thought,..yes, so true. I used to tell him(when he was doing so bad)...."You aren't thinking or planning past the end of your feet." It used to amaze me how much he couldn't/wouldn't think ahead past the hour or minute he was in....caused all kinds of problems. It was like he didn't believe that tomorrow or Monday or whatever was coming, and the thing he needed to be ready for really would happen. I'm sure you all have seen these behaviors in your addict. And the opposite is true too. Although he's not as "together" as would be helpful for his life as far as planning ahead,...he is SO much different than before in trying to get things done on time than when he was using. He'll let us know about something that will happen 2 weeks from now, or will call and make an appt. without us bugging him to do so,....things that now seem truly amazing, given how he was before.
Anyway,.... I've been praying for him to stay clean, to have some peace,...for him to stay on the good path until he feels better and can cope with feeling so uncomfortable, as he puts it. And it's funny how prayers are answered in a way that we'd never imagine. He told me that his friend from out of town is not doing well at all,...ie., using. He said that "she looks like hell", ......"like a crackwhore", even though I don't agree with his choice of terms. He said that although he hates that she's doing so badly, it was good for him to see her like that. He said that it just quickly made him see how he doesn't want to go back to that....how he wants to stay away from ever going back to that. I hope he keeps thinking of that over and over today and in the future.
Our doorbell rang and our conversation was interrupted. He said that he'll call back later...he was about to drive back to his house. I'm wondering about the girl that he knows and what will become of her. I hope he doesn't hang out with her tonight,....even though I care what happens to her too. Sigh.
It's now Sat. afternoon and I just talked with him briefly. He'd just returned from meeting a girl he knows from treatment for lunch. Apparently, she lives in Atlanta, and drove all the way from there,....a looong way, to see him. They had become good friends while in treatment together. He said that he didn't even know she was coming to see him until she was already in town and called him to get together. I asked if she knew anyone else there, in the town he lives in. He said no. I asked....well, geez, what if you were out of town for a couple of days, or had to work the entire time she is there ? Wouldn't you think she'd call and ask about that before driving all of that way ? He said, "Mom,..that's how addicts think...no prior planning. " And I thought,..yes, so true. I used to tell him(when he was doing so bad)...."You aren't thinking or planning past the end of your feet." It used to amaze me how much he couldn't/wouldn't think ahead past the hour or minute he was in....caused all kinds of problems. It was like he didn't believe that tomorrow or Monday or whatever was coming, and the thing he needed to be ready for really would happen. I'm sure you all have seen these behaviors in your addict. And the opposite is true too. Although he's not as "together" as would be helpful for his life as far as planning ahead,...he is SO much different than before in trying to get things done on time than when he was using. He'll let us know about something that will happen 2 weeks from now, or will call and make an appt. without us bugging him to do so,....things that now seem truly amazing, given how he was before.
Anyway,.... I've been praying for him to stay clean, to have some peace,...for him to stay on the good path until he feels better and can cope with feeling so uncomfortable, as he puts it. And it's funny how prayers are answered in a way that we'd never imagine. He told me that his friend from out of town is not doing well at all,...ie., using. He said that "she looks like hell", ......"like a crackwhore", even though I don't agree with his choice of terms. He said that although he hates that she's doing so badly, it was good for him to see her like that. He said that it just quickly made him see how he doesn't want to go back to that....how he wants to stay away from ever going back to that. I hope he keeps thinking of that over and over today and in the future.
Our doorbell rang and our conversation was interrupted. He said that he'll call back later...he was about to drive back to his house. I'm wondering about the girl that he knows and what will become of her. I hope he doesn't hang out with her tonight,....even though I care what happens to her too. Sigh.
Friday, April 22, 2011
nipping at his heels.......and mine too, sigh
Well, I got back from FLA. last night, after a trip to see D and do some relaxing as well. Overall, it went very well and he's doing o.k,...still clean, 4 mo.s,..as you know, that's huge. He was so very happy that we came down there, it meant a lot to him. He was working part of the time, but we also had quite a bit of time together and he stayed with us at the hotel each night. We went to the beach, to dinner, hung out at the pool a little, and once his dad left (had to get back to work), D and I even did a little shopping and went to see a movie. We saw Arthur,...go figure, the theme is addiction. Still, it was a good remake and was funny. The choice of the movie was his. We even rented a surf board and I got to sit on the beach with my book and watch him surf....like I used to do when he was young and I used to drive him and his friends to the beach,...it was sweet to see. He laughed at the fact that he'd moved to a place with even worse waves (on the Gulf) than where we now live,...but it was "surf-able".
The negatives,....other than the poor choice of car that I posted about before, was the feeling I got when we went to where he lives. Maybe it was because of all of the guys that were sitting around in a quite dark house, ...blinds mostly drawn, not enough windows(?), not seeming to do anything, that just struck me. (apparently, they were watching a movie,..it was Sun. afternoon, and they were off from work...those that have jobs anyway). We saw his room and all of a sudden, I had that old feeling from way back when,...."how did it happen that D is here, in the crappy room, in this crappy house, living with all of these drug addicts?" (I swear, I thought that....and actually kind of internally laughed at myself,...obviously I don't think of "drug addicts" the way that the general population does....that we all bemoan, for their lack of understanding. It was like I had a relapse of thinking, when here he is, working on his recovery, trying so hard,...having come so far, and I just had it hit a nerve, comparing it to the contrast of what his sister and brother had been doing at this age,....with us seeing where they lived (or having helped them move into),..their college dorm rooms or apartments. It hit me..."how did this happen....why isn't D able to be in college like we'd always thought he'd be ?" I'm not proud of thinking that, for I AM SO grateful for where he is, and do NOT take his current working on his recovery for granted at all. But at the same time, it was suddenly all I could do to not just cry , when we went to see where he's living.
As I said above,... most of what else we did and he did was good, and we enjoyed being with him...he was easy to be with. But then, the last couple of days I was there .....I wasn't sure about him...it was just a feeling and observations of little things about his behavior. Oh man,...it comes back SO easily,...meaning, how I can suddenly start feeling really uneasy about him and worrying etc, etc.. And then I found out that ONCE AGAIN he'd been skipping his medicine...ugh. It helps him SO much, and he's not at all against taking it...but he forgets to take it, and he can only take it once per day at a certain time because they control it where he lives and he can't administer it to himself. So, the evening before I left, we'd had plans to spend it together, go to dinner. At 5:45 p.m., he suddenly says that he needs to go to a meeting and he hopes I won't mind, (the meeting's at 7:30) and he'll be back at 9 o'clock. So, I say fine,...he knows I'll never try to dissuade him from a meeting and off he goes. Then, at 8:45, my phone rings again, and he says that he's going to now go to a
movie with his friend (a girl) and do I mind ? I'd already eaten by then, and I said it was o.k., but once I hung up, I then wondered about him taking his medicine, because our plan (originally) was for us to go back to his house to get his medicine that night after our originally planned dinner. I texted him..."then what about you taking your medicine?" because I knew the days would march on that he didn't have it (it's an antidepressant plus Abilify) and soon he'd have a hard time. He texted right back...."it's o.k,...I went over and got it already" and I immediately knew it was bullshit. Just knowing that....it made me feel a little sick. : ( It's not that getting the medicine was such a huge thing....like he was using or something....but that the lying is such a trigger FOR ME. It set me off on my worrying, wondering, miserable journey of old. I told him it sounded like bullshit but he denied that he was lying....surprise surprise.
Anyway, sorry this is so long,...but today, he called me, now that I'm home again,....and admitted that it was indeed bullshit when he had told me that, and that he'd started to lie about several small things and had been on his way to a relapse I KNEW that....I just did. I've had way too much training in this field of D. : ( But....but,...he said that he'd started taking his medicine again and felt SO much better (the Abilify works right away, praise God) and said that he'd not gone to enough meetings recently and that's what had contributed to him starting to think and act that way. So, he's going to more, even 2 times per day right now and you could hear how relieved he was in his voice.
Anyway, wow, not like I didn't know this, but isn't it just always nipping at our heels ? It was what appeared to be such a quick sequence of events for D, and me. I know it's early yet in his recovery, so I don't know why I wasn't thinking this way. I mean, I was, but I wasn't. I guess I'd like to think that his current well being won't turn around that fast, but it most certainly can. Well,..I don't know if I've made enough sense here, but I hope so. Thanks for listening.
The negatives,....other than the poor choice of car that I posted about before, was the feeling I got when we went to where he lives. Maybe it was because of all of the guys that were sitting around in a quite dark house, ...blinds mostly drawn, not enough windows(?), not seeming to do anything, that just struck me. (apparently, they were watching a movie,..it was Sun. afternoon, and they were off from work...those that have jobs anyway). We saw his room and all of a sudden, I had that old feeling from way back when,...."how did it happen that D is here, in the crappy room, in this crappy house, living with all of these drug addicts?" (I swear, I thought that....and actually kind of internally laughed at myself,...obviously I don't think of "drug addicts" the way that the general population does....that we all bemoan, for their lack of understanding. It was like I had a relapse of thinking, when here he is, working on his recovery, trying so hard,...having come so far, and I just had it hit a nerve, comparing it to the contrast of what his sister and brother had been doing at this age,....with us seeing where they lived (or having helped them move into),..their college dorm rooms or apartments. It hit me..."how did this happen....why isn't D able to be in college like we'd always thought he'd be ?" I'm not proud of thinking that, for I AM SO grateful for where he is, and do NOT take his current working on his recovery for granted at all. But at the same time, it was suddenly all I could do to not just cry , when we went to see where he's living.
As I said above,... most of what else we did and he did was good, and we enjoyed being with him...he was easy to be with. But then, the last couple of days I was there .....I wasn't sure about him...it was just a feeling and observations of little things about his behavior. Oh man,...it comes back SO easily,...meaning, how I can suddenly start feeling really uneasy about him and worrying etc, etc.. And then I found out that ONCE AGAIN he'd been skipping his medicine...ugh. It helps him SO much, and he's not at all against taking it...but he forgets to take it, and he can only take it once per day at a certain time because they control it where he lives and he can't administer it to himself. So, the evening before I left, we'd had plans to spend it together, go to dinner. At 5:45 p.m., he suddenly says that he needs to go to a meeting and he hopes I won't mind, (the meeting's at 7:30) and he'll be back at 9 o'clock. So, I say fine,...he knows I'll never try to dissuade him from a meeting and off he goes. Then, at 8:45, my phone rings again, and he says that he's going to now go to a
movie with his friend (a girl) and do I mind ? I'd already eaten by then, and I said it was o.k., but once I hung up, I then wondered about him taking his medicine, because our plan (originally) was for us to go back to his house to get his medicine that night after our originally planned dinner. I texted him..."then what about you taking your medicine?" because I knew the days would march on that he didn't have it (it's an antidepressant plus Abilify) and soon he'd have a hard time. He texted right back...."it's o.k,...I went over and got it already" and I immediately knew it was bullshit. Just knowing that....it made me feel a little sick. : ( It's not that getting the medicine was such a huge thing....like he was using or something....but that the lying is such a trigger FOR ME. It set me off on my worrying, wondering, miserable journey of old. I told him it sounded like bullshit but he denied that he was lying....surprise surprise.
Anyway, sorry this is so long,...but today, he called me, now that I'm home again,....and admitted that it was indeed bullshit when he had told me that, and that he'd started to lie about several small things and had been on his way to a relapse I KNEW that....I just did. I've had way too much training in this field of D. : ( But....but,...he said that he'd started taking his medicine again and felt SO much better (the Abilify works right away, praise God) and said that he'd not gone to enough meetings recently and that's what had contributed to him starting to think and act that way. So, he's going to more, even 2 times per day right now and you could hear how relieved he was in his voice.
Anyway, wow, not like I didn't know this, but isn't it just always nipping at our heels ? It was what appeared to be such a quick sequence of events for D, and me. I know it's early yet in his recovery, so I don't know why I wasn't thinking this way. I mean, I was, but I wasn't. I guess I'd like to think that his current well being won't turn around that fast, but it most certainly can. Well,..I don't know if I've made enough sense here, but I hope so. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
time together...healing old wounds
We're in Florida, on D's now "home turf", waiting, for him to meet us at the hotel, after his day at work. He picked us up at the airport when we flew in last night at 11:15 p.m., so proud to be the one to get us in his "new" car. Oh believe me,..there's nothing new about this car ! : ( Believe me, until not that long ago, we always had one car that wasn't so swell,...our whole marriage...my husband always drove it, wanting me in the better one with the kids. But this is definitely a rough start of a car, and I was nervous in the back seat as he drove us back to the hotel, as I was without a seat belt,..(that I couldn't find) and normally always wear. The car is white, with a silver colored hood and pink mirrors and what I felt was the dirtiest windshield I'd seen...which does not help with visibility, yikes ! I guess that's what can happen when his dad is 5 states away and his impulsive addict self goes ahead and gets a car that the mechanic with him said was a POS. Ugh. It's not the issue that the car is unattractive..not that at all,...but that such cars always end up costing you SO much money.
Meanwhile, though, D is SO excited that we're here...it's very obvious in everything he is doing and saying. He's got a pass from where he lives at the sober living house and is staying with us here at the hotel. He suggested the restaurant that we're about to go to,...not something he can normally afford to do. It should be nice. We're also going to get to go to see where he lives, tomorrow or the next day, which we're very interested to see. We're looking so forward to spending this time with him, drama free. It's very overdue and will feel sweet to all 3 of us.
I'll write again to let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, we're in a beautiful setting here on the beach, looking at the Gulf of Mexico. First time I've ever seen it. I'm so glad he feels so more "safe" here. That's a big blessing.
Continuing to pray for you and those affected by addiction.
Meanwhile, though, D is SO excited that we're here...it's very obvious in everything he is doing and saying. He's got a pass from where he lives at the sober living house and is staying with us here at the hotel. He suggested the restaurant that we're about to go to,...not something he can normally afford to do. It should be nice. We're also going to get to go to see where he lives, tomorrow or the next day, which we're very interested to see. We're looking so forward to spending this time with him, drama free. It's very overdue and will feel sweet to all 3 of us.
I'll write again to let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, we're in a beautiful setting here on the beach, looking at the Gulf of Mexico. First time I've ever seen it. I'm so glad he feels so more "safe" here. That's a big blessing.
Continuing to pray for you and those affected by addiction.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Home Sweet Home ???
D and I got to spend the day together yesterday, although I wasn't feeling the best, due to a bad cold/sinus infection? that got worse. In fact, I even stayed out from school/work today again....2nd day in a row, unheard of. That's the only reason I can blog now in the daytime on a "school day"...woo hoo. I have no energy at all, which is very unusual for me, so along with not feeling able to even breathe normally, I am on the sofa.
Anyway, we went out to lunch and did a few errands and came back home and listened to some music ...he was showing me some songs on youtube....just talked, hung out,...nothing exciting, but so nice to just be with him. However, it definitely wasn't all good, ...but I'm not referring to between him and me, that part was fine. While we went to a few different places near where we lived, D was affected by being in those places, to the point that you could see it visibly. In fact, when we were eating lunch at this sandwich shop, D's eyes watered a bit, and this awful look came over his face. All I can describe it as is like a darkness came over him. We didn't linger there while eating and I ate a little faster to finish to leave, as he was done already. Once back in the car, he explained to me how much he doesn't feel good around here now...especially in certain places. When I asked what he meant....he said that where we ate lunch was right next to this parking lot of another place he could see right out the window. He said it brought back so many memories of him and who he was with, snorting coke in the car in that parking lot. : ( He said that being near those places now make him feel bad.....he said it's like a sense of foreboding, like something bad's going to happen, an anxious feeling.
A short time after that, we went to the Verizon store together to do some phone changes for both of us, and while I talked to the clerk, D went outside on the sidewalk and called his sponsor. He came back in and you could see he was so much better. The whole time in the store (it took quite awhile), he was great....helpful, explaining things to me about the phone choices, etc., patient, etc.. As we left, I asked if he felt better, and he said, "yes, I never did anything bad in a Verizon store." He has mentioned that there's a lot that we don't know....and it's better that we never know, about bad things he's done. Sigh,..I'm sure that's true.
He said that his sponsor said (when referring to our town), " That will never be your home again." wow...that hit me. I don't know if the sponsor is correct. After all, D is in very early recovery, (will be 4 mo.s next week) and as those of us who are older know, life changes a lot as time goes on. Meaning, D may not still feel what he feels now about being around here, when he's older , many years from now. At least, I sure hope not. I am not a mom who thinks all of her kids need to grow up and only live a couple of miles away. After all, our daughter is currently living in Australia...and ya can't get any farther than that from us. And we're fine with that....they become adults and live their own lives. But, I sure do hope that at some point, coming back "home" isn't a feeling of darkness for D. He has told me how much it bothers him that he can't even live near his own family. It just got to me last night and made me cry, but I'm instead going to focus on the fact that he's working so hard on his recovery and sees TRUTH now, instead of irrational reasoning. I AM so grateful for that.
Looking forward to our trip to FLA. this weekend to go visit D in his new home.
Anyway, we went out to lunch and did a few errands and came back home and listened to some music ...he was showing me some songs on youtube....just talked, hung out,...nothing exciting, but so nice to just be with him. However, it definitely wasn't all good, ...but I'm not referring to between him and me, that part was fine. While we went to a few different places near where we lived, D was affected by being in those places, to the point that you could see it visibly. In fact, when we were eating lunch at this sandwich shop, D's eyes watered a bit, and this awful look came over his face. All I can describe it as is like a darkness came over him. We didn't linger there while eating and I ate a little faster to finish to leave, as he was done already. Once back in the car, he explained to me how much he doesn't feel good around here now...especially in certain places. When I asked what he meant....he said that where we ate lunch was right next to this parking lot of another place he could see right out the window. He said it brought back so many memories of him and who he was with, snorting coke in the car in that parking lot. : ( He said that being near those places now make him feel bad.....he said it's like a sense of foreboding, like something bad's going to happen, an anxious feeling.
A short time after that, we went to the Verizon store together to do some phone changes for both of us, and while I talked to the clerk, D went outside on the sidewalk and called his sponsor. He came back in and you could see he was so much better. The whole time in the store (it took quite awhile), he was great....helpful, explaining things to me about the phone choices, etc., patient, etc.. As we left, I asked if he felt better, and he said, "yes, I never did anything bad in a Verizon store." He has mentioned that there's a lot that we don't know....and it's better that we never know, about bad things he's done. Sigh,..I'm sure that's true.
He said that his sponsor said (when referring to our town), " That will never be your home again." wow...that hit me. I don't know if the sponsor is correct. After all, D is in very early recovery, (will be 4 mo.s next week) and as those of us who are older know, life changes a lot as time goes on. Meaning, D may not still feel what he feels now about being around here, when he's older , many years from now. At least, I sure hope not. I am not a mom who thinks all of her kids need to grow up and only live a couple of miles away. After all, our daughter is currently living in Australia...and ya can't get any farther than that from us. And we're fine with that....they become adults and live their own lives. But, I sure do hope that at some point, coming back "home" isn't a feeling of darkness for D. He has told me how much it bothers him that he can't even live near his own family. It just got to me last night and made me cry, but I'm instead going to focus on the fact that he's working so hard on his recovery and sees TRUTH now, instead of irrational reasoning. I AM so grateful for that.
Looking forward to our trip to FLA. this weekend to go visit D in his new home.
Monday, April 11, 2011
not yet.....continued.....
Today has been one hell of a day...for multiple reasons. I won't go into them all, which you'll be glad I don't. Anyway, while I was at work today, while teaching, D called me,....asked when I'd be home later on in the day,....saying he was "bored". Well that annoyed me...since he shouldn't call while I'm teaching anyway,...he could have texted me, and geez...not what you are into hearing while you're the one working. My husband was also at work...D home at our house alone. I had hung up quickly and kind of cut him off, due to the situation, with me being in the classroom,....and didn't look at my phone again until lunchtime, when a text from him said, "You didn't let me finish,...I was saying that I was bored and feel like I want to get high". UGH !! That cut right through me and whoa...I was off and running with the 'ole emotions,...feeling nervous, the whole drill,...almost a little panicked, and only had 12 min.s left 'til I had to pick the kids up from lunch. (mind you, lunch is brief all the time) I texted him back and told him to call his sponsor.....geez,...why the hell didn't he call him immediately ? I don't know what else I even said,...and I swear, I can't remember if I only texted him or also spoke with him. I know that I felt pretty hyped up.
Anyway.....a good friend of his,...a girl who used to be our neighbor, came and picked him up....a friend who it's not bad to be with. So, he hung out with her for awhile, then another girl he knew and my husband came home from work and took him to a meeting. Later, they came back and D told me how hard it was today. He said that he hasn't been feeling that urge for a long time, but being here, home alone, where he used to use (double ugh), while we were gone to work.....it was just too much like it was before...and he really felt like it.
Bottom line, as far as I could tell,...he DIDN'T do it, but it goes to show how "triggery" being around certain people, places and things can be for an addict. : ( It also goes to show why D can't live here. I know there's no such thing as a "geographic cure", but these days, different geography helps D stay in recovery.
Then....about 3 p.m. my husband got a call that D's case had been continued 'til May 25th ! So, we flew him up here for court tomorrow for nothing,....well, not for nothing, ..we did get to see him. And now we know that we will also be leaving on Fri. night to go down to Fla. to visit too. Unfortunately, we've only been able to get an answer to our questions via e-mail thus far. His attorney's paralegal said that they'd "just received" the discovery from the prosecution,...so it's being continued. I have no idea as to what that actually is,...and thought that they'd received that before,...which was the arresting officer's statement. Of course, my mind reels and wonders if now they have cell phone text records or something like that. Yes, yes...I know it's all out of my control. It's being sent to D, so we should soon know, or we can get more info. tomorrow,....I guess.
Right now, D is out with a friend at a movie....at least that's what he said, and I hope it's true. He did hang out with us this evening....and went to a 10 p.m. movie. He flies back out tomorrow night. And then, we'll be down there to see him and where he lives, etc. by the weekend, and spend some time with him.
So, for the moment, I'm planning to spend some time with him tomorrow, which will really be nice. I took off the day from work anyway, since it had already been planned. I could use it.
to be continued......
Anyway.....a good friend of his,...a girl who used to be our neighbor, came and picked him up....a friend who it's not bad to be with. So, he hung out with her for awhile, then another girl he knew and my husband came home from work and took him to a meeting. Later, they came back and D told me how hard it was today. He said that he hasn't been feeling that urge for a long time, but being here, home alone, where he used to use (double ugh), while we were gone to work.....it was just too much like it was before...and he really felt like it.
Bottom line, as far as I could tell,...he DIDN'T do it, but it goes to show how "triggery" being around certain people, places and things can be for an addict. : ( It also goes to show why D can't live here. I know there's no such thing as a "geographic cure", but these days, different geography helps D stay in recovery.
Then....about 3 p.m. my husband got a call that D's case had been continued 'til May 25th ! So, we flew him up here for court tomorrow for nothing,....well, not for nothing, ..we did get to see him. And now we know that we will also be leaving on Fri. night to go down to Fla. to visit too. Unfortunately, we've only been able to get an answer to our questions via e-mail thus far. His attorney's paralegal said that they'd "just received" the discovery from the prosecution,...so it's being continued. I have no idea as to what that actually is,...and thought that they'd received that before,...which was the arresting officer's statement. Of course, my mind reels and wonders if now they have cell phone text records or something like that. Yes, yes...I know it's all out of my control. It's being sent to D, so we should soon know, or we can get more info. tomorrow,....I guess.
Right now, D is out with a friend at a movie....at least that's what he said, and I hope it's true. He did hang out with us this evening....and went to a 10 p.m. movie. He flies back out tomorrow night. And then, we'll be down there to see him and where he lives, etc. by the weekend, and spend some time with him.
So, for the moment, I'm planning to spend some time with him tomorrow, which will really be nice. I took off the day from work anyway, since it had already been planned. I could use it.
to be continued......
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