Decision.

Oh boy,..it really would be too much to catch up all that's happened    It's been a crazy train of a week,..let's just say that.  I have papers to grade right now before going to bed, & not much time to write.  The bottom line is that our daughter, D's big sister, is getting married in 10 days.  Therefore, we need to decide, by tomorrow, do we let him come, & be a part of this huge family event, or not,...because we can't guarantee that all will go well ?  He's supposed to be one of the ushers,...his tux is ready to be picked up next week.

 He's now (thank God) back in his original sober living house, as a result of his own attempts to get help. This was after many days of staying alone in the house he'd been living in,  with no $, & then the power shut off (since the bill wasn't paid) & he was hot (Fla. & no AC), & in the dark alone once the sun went down. This has been going on since the weekend when he couldnt go into detox & we wouldn't give him any $.  I will admit, I did have a pizza delivered that I ordered  online 2 times.

  He's desperately begging to be there.  His sister doesn't know the depths that he's recently gone to,..but does now know that he's "not been doing well recently", & is leaving it up to the judgement of S (my husband ) & me.  She does not at all want anything negative to color any of the wedding weekend, ...understandably, or to be worrying about him if he takes off in the middle of the might or causes any worry or upset,...none of us do, of course.  D says that the last thing he'd ever want I do is to "screw up" any part of this,...but is also so upset to think he'd possibly not be able to come,..for such a big family event,... as the only person of the family "not good enough to come",... his words, not mine.  S has been very much against D coming, but late last night said  that he'd go along with it, if that's what I wanted this much,..& was this important to me. Truly, I just know its because he can't stand to see my pain on this,...because it really has been ripping my heart out.  What I haven't  shared is that D recently stole $ from us during this last run/nightmare. It's so so awful,...he actually managed to get into our savings account & ripped off  almost $3,000 !!  It was there for stuff we were paying for, for the wedding,...& ironically, he himself called us & told us before it was discovered, & said to block him somehow,  that we should call the police, & he was ready to go to prison if that's what would happen,..etc., & was crying & very remorseful,..as he obviously should be !  It's weird, because S is one who goes onto the online banking site every morning,..but wasnt  checking any savings $, just checking balance, plus it was on the weekend when he's not looking at it as much.  And believe me,.it could have been worse moneywise, NOT that I'm minimizing what D did !  Quite the contrary.   S hasn't spoken to him since,...he's been SO pissed about it (no wonder)& only I have had contact with D.   No one else has known but us two, until last night when S told M, D's older brother, our oldest son. M was quite enraged, & bummed out,...& thought that no way should D be allowed to come,...& M has always been in D's corner & done SO much for him. Although, M got to a point where he's basically protected his heart & is always skeptical on D's progress at staying clean (no surprise) while also praying/hoping for his success.

  I'm so torn,...I VERYmuch want D with us,..but just as much want nothing at all to be a problem that would diminish our daughter & future son in law's big day/weekend. And not for nothing, I've been busting my butt full out for months & months to get everything done & prepare for this.  We've got all kinds of people coming from Australia (groom's family & close friends) that we've never even met yet. Not staying here in our house, but close by & will be here with is us a lot during the days leading up to the wedding, on the 29th, a week fom Saturday

 D says he'll do whatever we ask to be here,...including sleeping in our room like he did when he was 15 & his addiction problems began,...in my attempt to get some sleep & stop him from sneaking out @ night,...that he was really known for.  Oh God,..we've been dealing with this for sooo long.  I know you reading this understand.

  Your thoughts ???

A new day,....trying to have a new plan

Well....the story continues, and believe  me, I'm SO behind on explaining the back story prior to my last couple of posts, maybe I'll catch that part up at some point.  But isn't this journey of our addicts and for many parts, ours) usually convoluted,...twists and turns, not any type of straight sequence logical stuff. 

   Not knowing what would happen and sitting with our sad and fed up feelings and despair, S and I sat around and talked by the fire pit last night....listened to some more music and went to bed.  Figuring that D was out in the  night in Florida, "somehow" finding that $40,....which makes me as sick as the using....maybe more so.    I woke up to the phone ringing...early, which always tends to make my heart jump. Can you relate ?  It was D,..he said that Mark was about to pick him up, who's the guy that manages one of the sober living homes he was trying to get into (the good one, well run) and he was on his way to detox....that he was willing and wanted to go.  WOW...I was thrilled of course.  And I certainly didn't have the stomach to inquire (just didn't want to know) whether or not he ever managed to get the $40 and that last high....ugh.     I hung up and then shortly thereafter, got a text from Trish, the owner of the sober living home, telling me that D was on the way to detox and that afterward she wanted him to live in the new sober living home she's opening, a decent distance away from where he was using....and how much she just loves that kid/man (D), and she knows that he's going to get it,...and he's soooo worth it (yes, that's the way she wrote it,...obviously all humans are worth it anyway, yes?, but you know what I mean).   She said that she was going to have her foot up his ass, while throwing in some love too....and if he wasn't doing what he needed to, she was ready to drag him over to her own house and have him live with her and her family.  She doesn't live in the sober living homes,..just owns them and lives in  her own home, while having a house manager on site at each place.   Anyway, my point is.....what an amazingly blessed kid/man (more kid than man) D is,..don't ya think ??   Besides a family that loves loves loves him, at his most unlovable too,...he has a lot of people there in the community he lives in in Florida that care so much about him,...all people he knows from NA, who are willing to help  him multiple times and SEE the real him, and the core of him that wants out of his demon, but has fallen back into letting it run his life.  I could hug each one of them, and can never ever repay them for what they've done for him in the past, and are now doing again. 
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      OK....now onto the more continuing crazy part.  As D and Trish said, Mark drove him to the detox place.  Apparently, thinking he was all set, Mark dropped D off and drove away.  No...not what you're thinking...D didn't bolt.  He went inside, and as planned, (Mark told him to say this ), D told them he wanted help for his substance abuse and felt suicidal.  The only way they'll admit you is if you're a threat to yourself or others....unless your DOC is alcohol, opiates or benzos.  Apparently, abuse of  crack isn't deemed worthy enough of immediate treatment/detox because it's not physically addictive....and more nuts of a criteria, in my view, this could not be.    So, as the paperwork is being done, into the room steps Chuck, who was originally D's sponsor in Florida, until he (Chuck) relapsed himself...ugh.  But anyway, Chuck is sober again and works at the detox place,..has for years.  And in the middle of last night when D was calling and texting everyone he knew in NA to help him,,...that he wanted to be clean, and needed a ride to detox, Chuck was one person he called. During that phone conversation, Chuck asked D if he wanted to kill himself, and D said no, he just wanted to get clean and change his life etc..   So, while D and the detox intake person are doing the paperwork, Chuck heard and contradicted D's statement of being suicidal.  WTH.   I get it that D was lying  and truly, the one thing I keep thinking is always the right choice is truth,...but then again, why undermine D getting into detox and getting help, when it's taken as much as it has for him to surrender to that process ? 

  So, then D called around again, out on the sidewalk in front of the detox place, and found 2 friends from NA that said that they were on their way to church, but would pick him up and then he could come with them.  That's what he did and then they went to a meeting afterward.  In the meantime, Trish is back on the phone, trying to find otu whether a detox in an adjacent town will take him.   So, to be continued......   Thank God for all of those people trying to  help D....

one more high....

Despite having someone reach out to him to help....after having himself walked to an NA meeting tonight,....after all was said and done, D texted me that he was going to "find $40 somehow" tonight, to get his last high...and then would probably go to detox, as was suggested and required by those trying to help him, before they would  help him...as in letting him into the sober living houses he was begging to get into.  WTF  WTF.....  Will he be in jail tonight....or worse ??  Guess he's  not going to be at the wedding after all.

Says it all...

Nightmare

.I haven't posted for a long time....for various reasons,...will save that for another time.  It's safe to say that I feel desperate tonight,....so so scared, and just desperate.  After almost 3 months clean AGAIN, D relapsed and now ..on in the hugest way, so horrifically terrible.  He's doing crack and is out of his mind.  He recently was up for 4 days straight.  He owed $500 to this dealer and all last night he begged and begged via text and then multiple phone calls for us to help him, as the dealer had him with him, against D's will....not to sound too dramatic(because it was dramatic), as in captive.  He  wouldn't let D go, and D was extremely scared and he kept begging me/us for $, which we didn't give him.  I also just started work/school again and it was the 3rd day of school and I had to be up early, and it went on and he kept calling the house phone and his dad, S, finally unhooked the house phone.    Meanwhile, I called the house manager of a sober living house he used to live in there in Florida, who cares a lot about him, and he and another guy set out to meet D and  his damn dealer at some Circle K store,...and the house manager guy, G, told me to tell D that I'd wired him money (I hadn't) and they'd meet them to give it to him.  But in the meantime, G talked to D on the phone and told him..."No, I'm not giving that guy shit", so then D took off with the dealer before they got there.  I spoke to D and told him to just stay inside the store....as it's a public place and what's the dealer  going to do to him there ?  Besides,...I know he really just wants his money, not to hurt D.  He could have stayed there to wait for G and the other guy, a huge dude, to get there....but no,...D took off with the dealer again.  It was all like out of a movie,...a bad one.  After that, G and the other guy told the dealer on the phone to just drop D off at home and they'd help him out in the morning.  G made me think that they were going to do something to get D away from the dealer, but once I texted G this morning...now I've heard nothing back from him.  He's always always been very nice to me and S, and has done a lot in the past to help D.  Obviously, I can see why he's now over it. However, I was kind of surprised that he didn't answer the phone early this evening when I called him back, and I haven't heard anything from him.  Even if he'd now said the hell with it with D, he's been understanding of what I've been going through and always helpful.  I don't normally ever call him...haven't spoken to him in many months before all of this happened last night. 

    After not hearing anything all day, and meanwhile trying to go through the day with 23 2nd graders while putting on a happy face....which is for much of the time very hard,....I finally heard from D a couple of hours ago, about 6 p.m.  He said that he'd just now got home,.....after being with the dealer all last night and all day,...mainly sitting in the guy's car.  The dealer still wouldn't let him go until they went and got D's paycheck from McDonalds,...where D, by the way, stopped showing up for work about 6 days ago, and made D give him the entire paycheck.  Now, apparently, D still owes him $200, and again, was trying to get me to give him the money.  I didn't.  I told D to get out of the house before he came back....to call a girl he's friends with and go to her apartment, and to go back tomorrow morning very early and clean up the house and get his stuff.  I was prepared to buy him a bus ticket out of town,...across Florida to another area where he has a very good friend that's been trying to encourage him to move there,...a girl, who used to live up here in VA..   The thing is...he'd been planning to go there for awhile,....when he was doing well.  It kills me that in early August he said multiple times....I really think I need to move away from here,...it's not safe for me here,...it's not a good place, and we discussed the reality of him going to the other area.  His lease was up in the end of Sept., and we'd been talking about him moving then.  We just were with him for almost 2 weeks at separate times in July, up in CT at his grandparents home, and he couldn't have been better......really couldn't have been better. He was the original D,...and was so awesome, I was so proud of him.  My wonderful father in law passed away from cancer on July 19th, and D was everything you'd want your son to be all during that time.  He was a pall bearer,...so gracious and polite to those who came to the funeral and reception afterward, so wonderful to his grandmother,...worked for hours on making 3 different photo collages of his grandfather, for his grandmother.  I could go on and on.    It's now a horror show....how did this turn so horrible so quickly ??   I know...that's the demon of addiction and crack is so so horrific.     I wished we'd got him out of there sooner...and yes, I know that drugs are everywhere....of course, but it is true that there is SO much crack right where he is,....it's offered all around there.  It would be hard to find where we live.  However, his DOC was coke here and certainly he had no problem finding it.  He actually only started doing the crack there because the cocaine was hard to find,...unbelievable.  And I know I'm rambling and sounding ridiculous...it's the addiction that's the issue, not which city has how much and which drug.

     So now.....he's saying that he's going to do something tonight to get that last $200,....he's going to rob a gas station.  I can't believe I just typed that.  I can't believe he said it, but it's true.  He's so out of his mind that I think he means it....and I'm scared,...so damn scared.  He keeps saying how I could help him and he then wouldn't do anything illegal....and no, I'm not giving him the money.  I told him to forget about paying the f'ing drug dealer....why does he give a shit about that ?  He says,...."and then I'll get one more hit" and then I'll stop and leave town tomorrow. I asked him, "ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF ?"   and yes, I KNOW...you're all are thinking, WHY are  you even talking to him???   I finally did hang up on  him.  And earlier in the conversation he talked about not caring and just wanting to die. It's disgusting what the drug does to his brain to make his thinking so opposite of what it was,....it's amazingly evil.   I even looked up the Marchman Act which Florida has, which you can file to get someone taken into custody, to go to treatment against their own will,...and if they don't comply, they're put in jail, but it's a civil action, not a criminal one.  I don't know what to do...if anything, ...but pray and pray.  My husband, S, is very much into doing nothing...and having nothing to do with it. He hates to see my suffering, that is clear, but really doesn't even want me to talk to him about it.   He is OVER IT.  He's very pissed at D and just does not want to deal with it at all and let him hit his bottom etc..  I know all about that,...for truly, we've never totally cut him off and out of our lives before....financially or communication wise.  I figure that now D doesn't even have a dollar....not even money to eat,...and although we've been helping him financially, while also worked and paid expenses too,....we're now not going to give him any money at all, for we won't help him pay for drugs.   What if his bottom is death ?  What if he hurts someone in the process of doing a crime ?...never mind doing a crime anyway ??  

      In between his using in the past week....I've talked to him when he seems to snap out of it in between....extremely remorseful etc. and says he doesn't want to be this person....he can't take hurting us anymore, etc..,....but then, obviously, he's off again.   I'm really quite beside myself tonight and oh by the way....our daughter is getting married here in town in 3 weeks...it's RIGHT around the corner and I still have a bunch of wedding detail stuff to do....which I haven't even been able to think about or do any of for 3 days now.  We have a whole lot of the groom's family coming from Australia, that we haven't even met yet, and it's all supposed to be such a joyous time.  Our daughter (or her brother) don't know anything about this yet...but obviously, they will.  D was supposed to be an usher at the wedding. We've all been looking forward to this so much....planning so many many parts of it for a year.  I can't believe the timing of it all.  Now...I don't know what will happen.  Will D be in jail ?  Will he be alive ?     My heart is hurting so much. I just had to write this.  My mind is reeling.  And while I understand how S feels right now....I also feel alone and don't want it to come between us.  He , like me, has done everything everything to help our son.   And oh God,...he was doing so well before this.  I have to tell you in another post how it all started,....and that hurts just as much.  D was trying to help someone else.....it's quite a story and it sucks.  He didn't protect himself enough...and once his stinking thinking started....THIS TIME, he didn't tell his sponsor, like he has in the past. 

    I'm asking for prayers tonight....and am sorry for rambling on so long...and I'll pray for your beloved addicts too.

Prayers needed

I can't sleep. Please....pray for Barbata's son, Keven, to make it through his crisis tonight, & to fully recover. That's what I ask. Keven needs our prayers right now, & so does our beloved friend Barbara. Good night all. Gonna give the sleeping a try, & hope tomorrow is a better day.

OMG,...I fixed it ! LOL.

Hello all ! I've kept up with reading & commenting on all of you who I read and care about so much,...but quite awhile ago, my own blog turned into what looked like Arabic or similar symbols, & I couldn't post anything, nor figure out how to fix it. It's been driving me nuts & I've tried many times to fix it,..believe me. If this post appears it's not in some type of language or symbols that I don't recognize,..but instead in English, ..then I am triumphant. Oh boy,...much to update on,...it's surely been up & down,..& the downs were farther down than before (isn't that how it works? ),...so I'll try to write again later & summarize, if I can. I hate hate this demon of addiction, as you do. But meanwhile, D is CLEAN right now, & we've just spent the best week with him we've spent in at least 5 years,...I'm sure more than that. That former great person we knew was there with us, visiting his dying grandfather,..& he couldn't have been more living & more of who he once was. He's still got a lot to work on, that's for sure,...but nevertheless,...it was very good. More later. Hoping this posts now.