Dawn's Early Light

Free rehabs ?

2012-02-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not,....not for D,...but I know one of you posted a list of rehabs that are low cost or even free. I can't find where that list is and a good friend needs it as soon as possible. Could any of you help ?

Incredibly Mean...

2012-02-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

I just read a comment on my former neighbor/friend's Facebook page. The friend of my neighbor wrote, "favorite tweet today on Twitter,...congrats Whitney, you now have 4 days sober. ". My neighbor replied,..thanks (as in, for the laugh), ha ha ha ha.

I must say,...that really hit me,....I just got so angry, yet sad, all at the same time. And I must add,....the neighbor, former close friend, was one who was in our house about daily, when D was in his worst stages before(although he's now competing with that stage again,..hope not). She saw all of the pain & horrific things that happened. In the end, from unrelated circumstances,...not related to me much, but her marriage,...she ended up to be not much of a friend at all, & I was very hurt by it. But I digress. I just meant that she's seen a lot of addiction pain close up, from D & us. Although she wasn't the one that posted the comment,...she did laugh & go along with it,..although I'm sure she wasn't thinking of D nor me when she did. Ironically, she lives in FLA. now, in the same town that D does,..though they certainly never see each other. He used to be her # 1 babysitter for her son,...before the hell ride began, when D was someone that everyone thought was the greatest kid.

But the person who posted that was the one I'm really referring to as the mean one. I mean,,,even if you don't understand the disease aspect of addiction,...what the hell is wrong with people? Of course, I didn't keep my mouth shut( no surprise there), & commented that her "joke" was mean & disgusting,...& said,...you should pray that's not your daughter some day. Another guy/friend of my old neighbor's then commented,..."oh God,..please don't let my daughter grow up to be like Whitney". I know his comment was tongue in cheek,... Ecause really,..I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that could really ever happen. All I can say is,...neither did we, right ?

D is in the sober living house,...& his sponsor didn't "drop him" like D thought he would. D's sponsor also said that he thinks D should go to a 6mo. to 1 year treatment place. That got to me,...as well as a conversation I ad with D today,...when he said he thinks if himself as a "junkie" now. Ugh. It was awful to hear him say that & I told him not to say that &/or give it any energy. As if my suggestive "energy" can somehow sway the nearby of addiction,...sigh. D told me he continues to feel like getting high, but hasnt today nor plans to. Hed gone to 1 meeting earlier in the day & was going to another tonight I pray he's right on the not using today. That's all we've got,..right now. I'm working had on not projecting.

Praying for D's recovery & for you & yours too

Knife in the heart on Valentine's Day

2012-02-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well,..part of my non posting is due to issues with my laptop & it's sudden challenge to me to getting onto blogger,..ugh Therefore, I am doing this on an IPad with the big annoyance of the "typing" on it, which is more like one finger at a time/non typing. Again,..thank you SO much for your comments,...they're just so supportive to me.

Despite the big confession that D made,...that he initiated,..& his distraught feelings then that I do know were real,..more has been revealed. When I last posted, he'd told me/us about using,..and was truly so upset,...and we learned all the fallout from it,...drums were gone,..pArt of the rent $ etc etc. He really was miserable,..was going to now turn it around, & for the past week since then, "seemed" to be doing better.

Then,. Yesterday afternoon, I was home, out of work, due to S having foot surgery & me staying home from work to help him. The phone rang,..about 2 pm,..& I answered , hearing D's voice, very upset. He said he wasn't doing well at all,...started to cry on the phone. It all came out. Apparently,..despite his prior intentions(can't we all relate to this ?)! Yes,...he'd continued to use,..& it only got worse. Are you ready for this,,...he sold his CAR & had gone through all that $ on cocaine ! And yes,...it was a very crappy (POS) car ....but it was a running car that go him to work each day ! I mean,,,really ? ? And,,,he pawned other things too,...& finally, as he cried, he told me,.. "I smoked crack last night.". Not that his regular coke snorting is some benign activity,...but damn !! He said,..I can't keep doing this (no shit),... I have to do something different." So, he arranged to go back into the sober living house where he'd been, which is only 4 doors down fom hs house. God bless her, the woman who owns the SL House told him he could stay for a month for free. Thank you Trish. ! Meanwhile, his rent's paid & the 2 new roommates are over in his house, now w/out D even there. He gave the house manager his ID card & ATM cad & his about $8 of cash.

I then talked to him today,...he had today off from work. He sounded terrible,...like e was just wallowing in it, if ya know what I mean. Right now.I'm just very over it & fed up & pissed off. As has been said,..it's much easier to detach this way. I don't know what will be, obviously. . .....

The downhill roll

2012-02-07T21:52:00.000-05:00

D's not good. I do think he truly wants to be better, but is more depressed & just texted me this : (in reply to my text " How ya doing now ? You ok ?"). He said " not really. I might need to go to the psych ward or treatment or somewhere. I'm at a meeting. I'll call you and explain a little later. ".

After 7 1/2 mo.s of being clean,...here we are again. And I did learn,...that he'd run out of his medicine & hasn't been taking it for almost 2 weeks. Coincidence ? I think not. That's what happened the last time he relapsed. Add in a breakup with the girlfriend & suddenly going off his medicine,..not a good combo.

Ironically, D's the one that told me once,...if I'm not really working on my recovery, my addiction's always pumping iron,..,waiting to work on me. No kidding. : (

So,..I'm waiting now for his call, to see what the next thing is to happen.

Thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. They mean a lot to me. You're all the only ones that truly understand.
And S and I are fine. He is not normally like what I described the other night. He's very remorseful for his words to me. He really is a loving & honorable husband,...just had to add that. Thanks for listening.

Lies, Using, Pain, Anger

2012-02-05T20:59:00.000-05:00

Well,...he didn't get right back on track. Another Sun. night revelation...and it's all bad,...really bad. I talked to D earlier this evening. He wanted to tell me the truth he said. I've had bad feelings since the middle of this past week...and per usual, my gut was right. Yes, he did go get that white chip last Sun.,..at least, from what I can tell, he did. Then, he didn't use for 2 days. He stayed home from work and slept most of his days. He called in sick on the first day, but then, fortunately, had the next day off, then called in sick on Wed.. He started using again.....through earlier today. His new drum set is gone, all of his just received tax return is gone and part of the rent money my husband just gave him is gone. The 2 new guy roommates put in the rest of their share of the rent since they just moved in, so he says that they have the rent $ aside, ready to pay. D and I had a conversation, in which he cried, was desperate sounding.....saying he didn't want to go on this way. He said that he didn't do everything his sponser told him to do (obviously) and just went and started using some more. He said he can't keep going on like this....doesn't want to live this way,...doesn't want to die, "doesn't want to have us bury him". He said that he knows it will lead to that if he keeps going,...he's going to start over, totally surrender his will, his way, etc.. It was terrible. I went through that conversation very pissed at him in some parts, very sad in other parts,...and with my heart breaking overall. He was going to get off the phone, call his sponser, go to a meeting, and get another white chip.

I got off the phone and related the conversation to my husband, S, who was watching the beginning of the Super Bowl. After that, it went downhill between S and me. Many things were said back and forth between us. S was really really pissed at D(understandably),....and then ended up very angry at me. He said that D was trying to just manipulate me. He'd had a few drinks and I know that influenced what he was saying. I said something about that and then it just escalated from there. He said terrible things to me, really bad. He then said that I was so f'd up and was the worst enabler,....stormed upstairs. He was screaming at me, even from upstairs and I told him to shut the bedroom window,...feeling like the neighbors were hearing all of this.

That's where we are now....I feel just numb. It's amazing how addiction can still wreak it's havoc from 4 states away from the addict. I don't know what to think. I just don't. I feel like D is going to keep trying to be in recovery.....but am I just naive ? Like I said....I feel numb at the moment

A Broken Heart

2012-01-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

I did text and later talk to D today. At first though....hadn't heard from him again later last night, even though he'd said he'd text me after the meeting, being that he'd been so very very upset when we spoke on the phone. But, later in the evening, before I went to bed...hadn't had any text, nor did he answer mine when I texted him. So, then I called him before I went to bed....no answer. I just said a prayer for God to keep him clean tonight and went to bed, slept well. Then., I went off to work this morning....thinking he'd wake up and see my texts and text me back...nothing. I must admit, I started to feel that old familiar freaked out feeling at school/work. Of course, I was with the kids,....on the job, ..no time to get involved with D, but I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed, like I used to feel at school,...even felt impatient with the kids. : (   I even thought....wow,..how did I do that for so long when D was so bad, with this job ?    Of course, I was also thinking....why didn't he answer last night?...he has $,..nothing to stop him from keeping on going ,.....if he doesn't go to work today, he'll lose the job...on and on,...right back into the crazy mode. UGH.

   I went about my morning and at about only 9:30 a.m., my cell phone rang in the classroom...I hadn't put it on vibrate. Not only that, I answered it...I knew it was him. (Of course, the kids are thrilled if I answer the phone...go figure). Anyway, it was D telling me he was o.k.,...that he had gone to the meeting last night and picked up a white chip. He said he wasn't going to work today...had called in sick. Obviously, with me being in the classroom, our conversation was very brief.

Later, early this evening, he called,...said he'd slept until 4 p.m., and finally had come home to his house. He'd stayed overnight at the sober living house he used to live in, which is only 5 houses away from his. He knows everyone there and didn't want to be alone. I was glad he'd gone there,...and that he'd had it to go to. He said that he felt like still sleeping some more,...sounded quite sad. I asked him what he was most sad about and he said, "that she's gone."   He said that he was going to go to an 8 p.m. meeting though (GOOD).    He has the next 2 days off from work, which isn't typical,..usually only has 1 off sometime during the week. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...having the next 2 days off. I'd say,...not a good thing,...not that my opinion on that is either here nor there.

Basically....the "boy" has a broken heart, despite the fact that he ended the relationship...regarding calling it what it was and saying it had to stop. But really, Stacy ended it when she stopped caring about him the way she had before. He did still care about her, want to be with her,..just wanted her to still be into it....thus, he's feeling quite heartbroken. I'm sure that most of us have gone through this at one time or another, or more than that,..and truly, it does suck. I remember it. Just that our addicts don't do very well with those heartbreaking feelings, as we know.

He also said that he'd had about 15 voice mails today, from various people that know what happened and are concerned about him,...he hadn't answered the phone at all. I pointed out how many people cared about him...people that he hadn't even known a little over a year ago. I am grateful for them,....addicts caring about other addicts. Thank God for them.

   I am grateful for all of YOU. I so appreciate your comments on last night's post. Lou...you really summed it up. And yes, I do really know about the relapses...and don't believe that it's unusual. I also know that D is doing what he needs to do (hopefully) from what he's progressed to in his recovery. I say hopefully, because I'm not there, and one really never knows. But D did say,..."Mom, I had a choice....and I chose the wrong thing. I always have a choice."   Let's hope he makes the next right one...and keeps making them after that too.

   Hoping that your loved ones will be doing the same as well. Thank you again for your words of support , etc.. Don't know what I'd have done without my bloggie peeps these past years...you've been and continue to be the best.

Doesn't Pay to Procrastinate

2012-01-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

Hi all,.....seems like way too long since I've written here. I keep meaning to, and certainly keep reading and commenting upon your blogs daily, but haven't updated my own. Actually, between "stuff" I always need to get done between work and home,...there never seems to be enough time. (Don't even get me going on my job....the sucker up of all available time.)So....I'd planned to finally, finally, sit down and post this tonight....as I am.

Anyway......D has continued to do VERY well.....it has been more amazing that I can really describe. In fact, that even actually made me a bit hesitant to post. With Annette, Barbara, VJ, Dee, Anna, Terri's and many others' sons/daughters still using, or out there somewhere (like Helga's daughter)...it actually made me feel sad in another way to post how well D is doing. How codependent am I?? Now I'm not sharing because I'm too worried about all of you. But then, ....I think it may have been Her Big Sad that did make me realize....it can give hope to others too,...that YES, they can and really will "get it" and make the necessary steps and keep working on recovery, and WOW, what beautiful things can emerge from that. Beautiful is the only word for it,....my husband says that same word....it best describes what it's been like.

   To be apt about the description,...here's what we've been seeing,...for quite awhile now, and D's had 7 mo.s clean thus far. He's continued to work at his job and other than that, work on his recovery...about 5 or 6 meetings per week...sometimes more. He's become connected to the recovery community there, and has many friends now, male friends that are clean for awhile ( 1 for 5 yr.s !) that he can hang out with. He's bought (yes, HIS own $) a drum kit again and is playing drums and jamming with some other guys regularly,...which he was so into back when. He'd lost all of that to drugs,..the time to do it, the passion for it,...and even the actual drums ...everything,..he'd pawned. But, I digress.   He has continued to live with "Stacy"...and that relationship was pretty stable and o.k., from what we could tell,...for awhile anyway. (more on them later)     But, overall...he's just progressed to where he acts SO much more mature, more thoughtful, more understanding, giving, patient, ...you name it. I can laugh with him again,.....can say whatever to him and he's NOT at all defensive, and doesn't react angrily....AT ALL. It's just beyond what I can really articulate well. He takes "life on life's terms" as he's said from an NA/AA term,...and although many times, things haven't been easy, he continues on....doing the next right thing. NA has saved him....given him a new life, and it's been an incredible thing to see my original, real D come back. He's been planning ahead now, getting things done ....will begin community college in June....he's done all of the looking into things, finding out info., etc..

So....then I'd noticed from things he'd say on the phone, and when we recently saw him around Jan. 1st (in New Orleans...of all places, for an addict, yikes), that things seemed dysfunctional between D and Stacy. Stacy comes off as a quite confident young woman, but she's also a recovering addict who I know (from D) has had a very very tough journey...and has done some horrible things and had horrible experiences. She's a recovering heroin addict and that weekend in New Orleans, I learned she used to also be a stripper. I know...not that surprising, with a female addict,...I don't mean judgment on that, truly,..just have a heart for all that Stacy's gone though. But between the 2 of them, Stacy seemed to dominate D, and it struck me that there was an unbalanced relationship...as I'd perceived from things D had already said in passing to me about them.

Going forward to more recently...things weren't going well between them , and D was unhappy about it. They had become more distant from each other, and she was irritable toward him and critical. They discussed their issues etc., and finally Stacy admitted that she didn't feel for D what she had felt before,....so now what ? So then, earlier this week, D told Stacy that he couldn't do this anymore, if she wasn't "into him"...that he deserved more...that he didn't have to keep going on like this, and told her they were through....broke up with her. So, all this past week, it's been difficult and Stacy moved out,...going to live with her sponsor and another young woman they both know.   D seemed to be (incredibly) taking it well,...was calm about it , but certainly not happy about any of it,..not at all.   However, he quickly pursued finding other roommates...2 guys in recovery he knows, and they're supposed to move in next weekend. I /we were kind of amazed how well he was taking it all, despite the fact that he texted me last Fri. night that he wanted to use...and to please pray for him. I did !!

But, he did just what he should do. He tried to contact his sponsor, who couldn't be reached due to being away skiing, out of cell phone reach, which was very atypical. But D reached out to others he knows there in recovery, went and spent time with them, went to meetings, has been doing OK, considering the circumstances.   Then,...just this weekend, all of this got even worse. Stacy has already moved out and D's been in the house there alone since the new guys haven't moved in yet. Apparently, Friday night (two days ago), it really all hit him harder and he was really very very sad and having a much harder time emotionally about it all. Yet, he seemed to be hanging in there and last night, he called me in the late afternoon, saying that 2 of his friends were coming over soon to jam. He even said that he was doing some planning to make sure that he was going to fill his time in a way that was good for him, especially with Stacy being gone. In fact, just recently, he'd been asked to go and represent NA at a hospital program for teenagers (14 - 18 yr. olds) who are addicts....to speak to them, ..tell his story etc.. He was so happy to be selected to do this...and would be going each week. Here he is only 20 himself, but that was a reason that maybe he could make some difference. His words were, "Maybe what I'll say will go in one ear and out the other, but maybe one of them will listen to me. And even if they don't,...it'll help keep me clean, so that's good. " As I said, a beautiful thing to hear for us.

So....early this evening, I got a phone call from D. He was crying,...so much so that I could barely understand what he was saying. His words: "Mom, I got high last night. I can't believe I did it...I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,...I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I let everyone down. Oh my God." etc.etc.....sobbing and sobbing. : (

We talked more...his dad got on the phone after me. I swear, it was more a thing of us trying to comfort him and having him stop beating himself up. He was so distraught. I don't think I've heard him this way in....well, I can't remember when. He said he was going to go to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip,...that he was so embarrassed, etc.. He said that after the guys were there playing music last night, he didn't share how he was feeling with them,...that he left the house, went to a very bad part of town and starting asking random people/strangers where to find drugs(cocaine). He also said that his sponsor had told him to F__ jamming with those guys and to go to a damn meeting...or he was going to end up high. Apparently, he'd missed a meeting the night before too. Sigh.

So...that's the current state of our union. I'm praying that D will forgive himself and just keep going forward and do what he was doing before all of this hit him emotionally in the last week. I also hope he uses this experience to help him KNOW beyond all doubt how slippery it can all be,...and SO quickly too. That he has to always guard his recovery, especially during the bumps in the road. There will always be bumps in the road.     So....I procrastinated on telling you all the good news,...and now there is bad news again. : ( Please keep D in your prayers.

Can Ya Believe It ????

2011-12-16T00:31:00.000-05:00

Guess who has 6 MONTHS CLEAN tomorrow ???? Yep,.... My D is doing it,.... Which he's never got to before, totally & beautifully clean ! ( well, except cigarettes). And guess who's gone to at least 5 meetings, usually more, a week, is working the steps, etc., & removed himself from all that he knew when he used during the whole time ? No coincidence.

Now, if we could only be with him for Christmas ,...quite bummed about that, but in light of his progress I'm working on just being very grateful. More later,....I've been a terrible lax blogger lately,..but have kept up with yours. Peace & recovery to all whom we love.

Bad News

2011-12-03T17:18:00.000-05:00

Got a phone call this afternoon from my mother in law. She wanted to talk to Steve/my husband,....asked if he had his cell phone. He'd just left for the gym...hadn't taken his phone with him. I said I could go to the gym and get him,...it's not far from our house. She said, "yes,...if you could, and have him call me. " I asked if she was o.k,. and she said she was,...that it was kind of a long story. I knew right then it wasn't good, obviously. For her to even let me "trouble myself" to go and get him (which it wasn't any trouble to do),..., my heart sank right then. I did get him, he called her...and the bottom line is what we feared. Boopa's biopsy results are back and it's cancer. : ( I don't know if that's pancreatic cancer, or liver cancer...or what, but obviously, it's very terrible news. We now wait to hear results of more tests that are being done. They did say it was in the early stage. We've already decided to go up there this year now for Christmas. I'm hoping we can get D home from Florida to be with all of us. That just depends upon him getting off from work. I am hating the thought of telling our daughter in Australia. This will be very tough for her to hear. She absolutely adores him, and it's very hard to be as far away as she is and hear this type of news. Thanks again for listening.

Ups, Downs, and Gratitude

2011-12-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well...as good as our Boopa seemed to be doing.....scary stuff happened today. This morning, he went to the bathroom at the hospital and on the way back to bed,...passed out. Once back in bed, he began to vomit a lot of blood, and it wasn't good, in a big way. He was put into ICU, and required a transfusion, due to the loss of so much blood. My husband, Steve, texted this to me at work...and I tried to pray as much as I could, while doing what was needed with my surrounding 2nd graders.

It ended up that the doctors had to go in and again do the procedure that was needed to originally remove his blocked duct,...to find where the internal bleeding originated. Fortunately, they were able to do that, ...put in 2 staples and cauterized the area of bleeding...then back to the ICU for at least 48 hr.s.. After that, he should be moved back to a regular room or "released and sent home"...aagh.   I don't really like the sound of that already...but also know that the hospital is not really the place you want to be....healthwise/ possibilty of infection, etc..

But geeze....what he's been through...mind you, starting out as weak and jaundiced as he was, wouldn't be an easy process for someone younger and much stronger...never mind a weak and jaundiced 85 yr. old.   My poor mother in law....what a tough day or number of days, she's had,...that's an understatement. She is very oriented to anxiety as it is....never mind this. Speaking of that....that whole part of the family is the link to a lot anxiety...with her and many of her side,...D comes by that very honestly/genetically.

   That's the latest....and we're grateful he's still with us. Again...thanks for listening !!

got it done.....hallelujah

2011-12-01T23:39:00.000-05:00

Well,...D texted tonight....said he'd just left Goodwill and FINALLY got his community service hours DONE, prior to the Dec. 7th deadline.....yaaay !! IF he hadn't finished on time, it would have meant a year in jail ! After all he's been through,....after all we've been through, and how far he's come, and how forunate he was to not end up with a felony charge for cocaine and having it reduced to a misdemeanor....it sure would have been nuts to have let this not get done. He only had 25 hours of community service to do !! He's had 6 MONTHS within which to do it......and yet...the last week. OK, OK, I know...he got it done,...I will focus on that but still....geeze. Now, hopefully he'll get the documentation to the right people on time....aagh.

On another note....and a thankful one, my father in law continues to improve and is doing well, other than a high white blood cell count. Of course, I don't like to hear that....but will remain positive as we wait for the biopsy results. Thanks for your prayers,...and thanks for "listening". : )

So far, so good ! : )

2011-11-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

Boopa/big D made it through the surgery great ! They were able to remove the blockage from his bile duct & it's being biopsied, so we'll wait to hear the results before we feel more hopeful. His bilirubin was extremely high,.... it never should have got that high. If someone much younger had been that yellow,.. yes, yellow,... It wouldn't have got that bad,... aagh. Anyway, thank you so much for your support !!

the most wonderful man

2011-11-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are inclined to pray,....I'm asking for some tonight, and not for my addict son. I'm asking for prayer from my sweet, kind, funny and just overall fabulous father in law,....one of the best people I've ever known. He's like my father, not "just" a father in law,...but a man who's all I wished my actual father could have been, had he been a much better guy.

My father in law, another "D" is in the hospital tonight, waiting for a procedure tomorrow, to remove what's blocking his bile duct. He's very jaundiced and (imo) it's gone on far too long prior to now doing something about it. I realize that it's a risky procedure and that was the reason that this has gone on and one....but still....don't even get me started on that one. He's 85 yr.s old, and I know that's old, but until not that long ago, ...certainly not someone who seemed that old. At 78, I sure couldn't ski down the mountain as fast as he could and keep up with him. Skiing with him was something that has been some of the best fun I've ever had. You would have to know him....and how I've been so blessed to, I don't know. But he's been the best grandfather any kid could ever have....and my 3 have been so fortunate. We are not ready to lose him,and I'm praying it's resolvable and not cancer. I know I will accept what is, but asking for some prayers sure can't hurt.

Thanks for listening. The kids call him Boopa. Please pray for our Boopa.

Recovery Road

2011-11-20T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I don't know how the time has gone by so fast without me blogging. I've kept up on everyone else's, but mine seems to have got away from me.    So many different issues, events...where to begin ?

Back in August, we had an engagement party for our daughter and her fiance, who'd arrived from Australia the week before. It was a big deal around here and we'd done all kinds of things to prepare for it, for what felt like all summer, since there were many home projects that were in need of doing anyway. It was the first time many(almost all) of the family and friends were meeting the fiance,and getting to see our daughter who'd been away for so long.    D, at that time, was still living in the sober living home in Florida, and we flew him up on Fri. night for the Sat. party,....going back on Monday. He'd relapsed in mid June, but had been clean since then, and seemed to be doing well.    As it turns out, he wasn't ready to be in the presence of all of those people, all at one time. Being around everyone, with many people here, including quite a number sleeping over, just freaked him out. He (I later came to understand) still felt very shamed,...by all that's gone on the past 4 or 5 years, in the knowledge that the great majority of the people here knew it. He didn't deal with it well at all,....and behaved in a way that made it worse....go figure. He wasn't very sociable (to say the least), he took off for long periods of time, with old friends (ugh), and also spent quite a bit of his time up in the bedroom and slept during part of the day where you wouldn't think he'd  be sleeping....all very addict like behavior. He did talk with some of the people here for part of the time, but also did all those other things I just mentioned. And, I'll admit....at some level, for some of it, I was embarassed,...but I did pretty quickly let it go, (the concern of being at all embarassed) for I couldn't control it (at least, not much) and didn't want to focus on that and lose my enjoyment at all that was happening for our daughter and her future husband. Although I realize that it sure does sound like it.....I truly don't think he used that weekend,...but he later told me that he came close to doing so.    The bottom line is.....the shame of what's happened in the past can sure be a heavy burden to carry and deal with, even when they're doing better.                     As many of you know from my past posts, my mom died unexpectedly just 2 weeks after the engagement party...and by that time D was back in Florida. After all that had just happened, we didn't have him come back up to her wake and funeral in Connecticut, and that long weekend with the family. It was Labor Day weekend. D and my mom were quite close, and to think that he wasn't there for her services and tribute to her is something that is still amazing for me to think of,...but I guess, in another way, not really. Addiction does so much to the addict and those around him/her, that none of those ripples really surprise me at all anymore. He just wasn't feeling comfortable at that point in handling being all together with all of those people he's known all his life, despite that they all love him.   Hopefully, he'll progress in his ability to free himself from shame, for it's not serving any good purpose.

    Since then.....in early October, D moved out of the sober living house and into another place that he's renting with his now girlfriend, that he'd met in his sober living house. There were supposed to be 3 of them, but the 40 yr. old guy was taken back by his wife, so that fell through. They're still looking for someone else to share the rent with. In fact, the house they're living in is about 3 houses down the street from the sober living house, which is a pretty good thing. He'll go over there and watch a football game or hang out for awhile with the people he knows there sometimes. And yes, obviously, living with, never mind having a relationship with, another addict in early recovery is certainly not what's recommended. For that matter, the fact that he's only 20 and living with his girlfriend is something that I would have had big issues with in the past, more than I do now, after having lived through this addiction monster the past 5 years. Meaning,...it's all relative.

"Stacy"(the girlfriend) is a 20 yr. old young woman who's working very hard on her recovery and appears to take it quite seriously. She didn't go to the same rehab. that he did before the sober living house, and has "only" been to rehab. once....and (at least thus far) appears to really get it, and does what she needs to do to be better, on a daily basis. D says that she's "more of an addict than me"(yikes), and used to shoot heroin,....I'm sure did plenty of other drugs,...but that she "works harder than I do on recovery". So, as much as I'm hesitant on how this will all work out in the future, having someone he lives with and cares about that's so into recovery isn't a bad thing either. I'm hoping they do find another roommate, and that if D and Stacy break up....that he's not alone, for I don't think being isolated is a good thing for him at all. Her family is only 40 min.s away, so they even have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving this week.

   We just went down last weekend to see D and Stacy and spend some time there, check out where he's living etc.   He's working (still at Chik Fila) but we are helping him with some money for rent too. He is now working harder on his recovery than when he made the statement about his effort compared to Stacy's. Per usual, when he gets forgetful (which is quite normal for him : (   ) and gets spotty about taking his medicine (an antidepressant and Abilify), he starts to get down and anxious and negative again....and not working on recovery in the way he needs to. I "think" he finally finally gets how important it is to not skip his medicine, for it makes a huge difference for him. And with D, he never was against taking it....just didn't get some type of reminder system set up to take it daily....sigh.

So....they're living in a small ranch house in a nice neighborhood , which is fairly close to where they both work. Another blessing is that they both work at places just across the parking lot from each other, which is a huge help for D, because he currently doesn't have a license. It was revoked here in Virginia due to a drug paraphernalia conviction in June. Stacy drives them both around and I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't with Stacy.   D is supposed to get his license back after Dec. 3rd, IF all of his community service hours are done that he was assigned to do from his court case back in JUNE. He ONLY was given 25 hours...and here he is, finishing them at Goodwill, down to the wire, in the last week.....ugh.   It drives me completely nuts.....but that's something else I have no control over, obviously. In comparison to the other past things he's done that bothered me,....well, there's no comparison. However, IF he didn't complete them....1 yr. in jail ! Wouldn't ya think he'd have done them before now ?   I will say, he had to get all kinds of proof (with a court document w/raised seal) for Goodwill to even let him do the hours there, to prove he wasn't convicted of any type of violent crime...but still...he should have begun the entire process MUCH earlier.

We had a good time with them....went to dinner a couple of times,...brought D to the store and helped him get some things needed for the house. Who'd think that I'd be at the store with D looking for mixing bowls and a whisk ? LOL Obviously, Stacy let him know about the need for that one. In fact, Stacy has him eating fish and vegetables and wearing shirts with collars....quite a force ,Stacy is.        What also made me smile was seeing D with a drum set to play again. (His own here in Va. was pawned : ( )    He has drums borrowed from someone else in NA that needed somewhere to store them, so it's really nice that he can play again. I'd love to see him get into some type of "clean band"...is there such a thing ?       They go to meetings together every day....and that's been the miracle, NA. I'm very very thankful that D totally embraces NA and all that it has to offer,...it's saving his life. It's been slow, but he's making some friends,...other guy friends, that he can hang out with, apart from Stacy, so that's very good for him too.   He's planning to begin college at the community college there in January, but hasn't registered yet....so we'll see how that goes. His plan is to do that after finishing his comm. svc. hours. Hopefully, he will.

We've seen some bad days too, ...don't get me wrong. D having urges to use, and crying, and saying that he's scared and doesn't want to go back to that again, but sometimes feels that it's inevitable that he will.   : (          Again, that usually also happens if he's been inconsistent with his medicine. I'm hoping that those times come fewer and farther between. Time will tell on all of this, as you all know so well. I'm aware that this all could change on a dime, for the worse, but surely pray it won't.   He has a great sponsor, and he's been so helpful for D. I'd hug him if I could.

    I sure do miss D and wish that he was just away at college like our other 2 older kids were.....even though they were hours away, they'd drive home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and other times and in the summer. But he's 4 states away, and I know that's where he has to be,....at least for now, and most likely for a long time in the future. I still have hope that he can someday liver closer to us, but I know that his recovery is what's most important. With the daughter in Australia, (at least for 3 more years),....the middle son will have to be the only one we see regularly, ..he lives about 10 mi. away,..he's 25.
     But as you may imagine, after all of the darkness and horrific times addiction has put us all through for years on end....right now, all I can feel is thankful. So Happy Thanksgiving to you all. You'll never know how much your blogs and this community of people have meant to me. Well,...actually, maybe you do, for I know that you have all hung on to each other's support too. As one of the bloggers just said so well today, no one really does understand all of this and what it's like unless you've gone through it.   Again....THANK YOU all for teaching me so much about how to deal with addiction and for being so caring.

more info.,....more sadness

2011-10-03T22:45:00.000-04:00

Since my last post.....I learned the identity of the young man that died in the tragic accident, and he was another one of my former students....in the same class as the one who was driving....in fact, they were best friends. Billy, who was killed instantly, was only 19,...was not wearing his seatbelt,.....but I'm not sure in this case, if that would have mattered. It's just all so terribly tragic. Billy was such a great kid...he really was,....always had a smile,...a real laid back, happy personality.   And now, his friend, Chris,...has to live with the fact that his choices took the life of his friend....that will be a heavy load to carry for him, for the rest of his days. In fact....the country-ish road they were on was so narrow,....and such a turn,..that going around that turn too fast could be the end of you....whether or not any alcohol was involved. Just one night....one quick ride home.....and all was then different for them and others, from then on.

   I can remember them both in their younger days in my classroom. I can even remember just where they both sat,....the things they would say, Billy's handwriting, his freckled smile, Chris's funny quips. There's another young person that's very injured in the hospital....am not aware yet of who that is. A fourth person was not badly injured....but I'm sure will forever bear the scars of that terrible night's experience.

    My heart is hurting,....for Billy, for Chris, their families, and all who love them both.    Don't we all wish that we could really get into the heads of 19 yr. olds and get them to really know how not invincible they truly are ?

There but for the grace of God.......

2011-10-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

I've put myself into a blogger's dilemma,....I've put off blogging so long that now I feel like I can't catch up, regarding what to say.....many things to mention going through my head. So,...once again, I will put off getting into it all, due to having other things that must be accomplished at the moment, and I'll get back to it later tonight or tomorrow.

      In the meantime, my heart is hurting. I just learned of a terrible accident on Fri. night, just couple of miles away from where I live. One young guy, only 19, is dead,...another seriously injured in the hospital, and the driver, in jail charged with DUI and voluntary manslaughter. The driver is one of my former 4th grade students. 10 years ago, he was a little 9 yr. old in my class, working on understanding fractions, and now he's in jail, on a terrible path, due to making a very very bad choice, with a dead friend, and I'm sure, a very heavy and regretful heart. I think of his parents,....very nice people, who I'm sure are in such pain. I think of the dead young man's parents, and the rest of his family and those who loved him, who are in even more pain. It just sucks so much.

     My son knows all of those involved very well. He was a year ahead of them in school. The one in the hospital is 21, so I'm sure he knows him too....they were probably all coming from a party,..it was a little after 1 a.m., on a road that I always thought was a terrible road as far as being dangerous. In fact, long ago, when we were house hunting, there was a very nice neighborhood that we liked but I didn't want my teenagers driving back home at night on that road, which led to that neighborhood....which is why we didn't consider living there.       I'm so sad about those young men,....they're not bad "kids", but the one driving, my former student, had been into drinking and I think drugs too,...for I know that D hung out with him sometimes before he moved away from here.   Which is why I said "there but for the grace of God"....D could have so easily been in that car on Fri. night, if he was here and hadn't made the major changes in his life that he's made.

Most of these young people aren't addicts, but definitely "party" and drink too much on a regular basis,.....and the young guys in that car are the ones that didn't go away to college, but are still in town, either working or going to the community college. Nothing wrong with that....but a lot wrong with drinking and driving. I think of all of the very very risky things that D has done,..and it's amazing that C, my former student, is in jail now, facing a felony conviction and prison, for ONE bad mistake, and D's not, for which I'm grateful, of course. But it's just all so upsetting, especially for the dead one's family, and also for C. Due to God's GRACE, D never killed anyone, which is the big difference, obviously. But he certainly could have, for he's driven drunk....once, in a blackout,....and without a license or permission to use the car(mine) either.

   D is still in Florida and now has just recently moved out of the sober living house, after 9 mo.s of living in them, after the initial 3 week rehab.. He actually moved into a house right across the street from the sober living house he was living in, since this other house came up for rent. He was looking for places and wasn't finding anywhere he felt was a safe area for him to live in (away from where drugs are being sold) due to his criminal record,...even without a felony. He found that no one wanted to rent to him in a better neighborhood. Anyway, he's living in this rented house now with 2 other people in recovery, who'd also been living with him in the sober living house. One is a guy about 40 (maybe even older) who's been clean over a year, and the other is a girl D's age....who is now also his girlfriend. Sigh. N seems very nice and is working hard on her recovery too,....but I just am concerned about D's involvement with her, for N has a lot of stuff to work on. Not surprising, of course.   However, they both are working hard on their recovery right now....so, that's all we can ask for, and what I want for him the most...to stay in his recovery. This weekend they've both been at an NA camp out all weekend,...warms my heart.

   D also plans to start comm. college there nearby in January....only 2 courses at first, while he continues to work for Chick Filet.   He's also finally getting back to personal therapy, in November, with someone that I'm hoping can really help him heal from the past.

Well...that's a lot that I said, without even catching up on the other things. But, I will get back here and do that too.

    Thank you all for the very kind words and support on the loss of my mother. That's been tough, of course. It was sudden and unexpected, despite her old age (91). I am still trying to figure out how to believe that she's gone.    I'll be back soon to try to catch up here. In the meantime, I've been staying up with reading your blogs....and always praying for your loved ones in addiction.

an anthem for POAs,....before we know better Cold Play: Fix You

2011-09-28T22:52:00.000-04:00

back....finally.....and needing info. if possible

2011-09-25T21:51:00.000-04:00

Hi all,....I've missed you, although I've been reading your blogs and commenting, I haven't got myself to blog on my own. First of all,...THANK YOU for your kind words and support on the loss of my mother. It's meant a lot to me. I'm still amazed daily that it all happened and she's gone. It was very quick and it seems like a blur.....and somehow, it still is surprising to me, while also sad and feels like it hasn't all settled in completely yet.
     There's a lot to tell about, and I still won't get into it all yet, for I'm currently busy here doing prep. for school/work tomorrow. Suffice it to say that D is still CLEAN (yaaay) and has actually moved out of the sober living home he's been in since June. He's been in one or another of them since last January, so it was almost time, ....but he did move out a bit early, since he'd originally planned to do so in November. More on all of that later,...but he's doing very well,...working, now living in a house right across the street from the sober living home he's been living in, along with 2 other people in recovery. He's also planning to begin at the nearby junior college in January,...prob. only 2 courses for the first semester, and still will be working where he is now.
      The info. that I'm asking for is if any of you would share a rehab. place that you would highly recommend. If it's on or near the east coast, that would probably be best....but I don't believe it has to be. This info. is for D's best friend, who is living right outside of Wash., D.C. currently,...used to live here in VA. where we do, but his dad got a different job and they moved earlier this year.   D's friend, J, has been to one rehab. before,....to Caron, in PA.,...which is supposed to be a high quality place, but I don't know if the funds are there to go back to Caron again. I'm hoping that with his dad's new job, his insurance will at least cover part of it....but what are the odds of that ? Plus....all of these places are just so very expensive. I figured I had a connection here on my blog to a world of info. regarding places that you think are good places, as well as those to avoid.    Our own son has been to 4 of these places, and only 1 would I say is not a place I'd recommend, and 1 isn't around anymore, which was the first place,....a wilderness journey place he went to at 16, for 3 1/2 mo.s..    J is 20 yr.s old, a bright guy,...with long standing anxiety problems, as well as some depression...that is motivated and wants to go. He's also gay and just came out about that about 6 mo.s ago.
     Anyway,...if you have any suggestions...please let me know and I'll pass them on. Meanwhile...I'll be back very soon to catch up on what's happening with us. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for you and your addicts. God bless you all.

my mom

2011-09-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

We lost my beloved mom last Wed. night. I did make it to her bedside in time....7 1/2 hr.s before she passed away, and along with my family members....we supported her journey....kissed her, told her how loved she was/is,...leaned on each other, cried and prayed together. As terrible as it was,...and also so sudden...it was one of the most moving and LOVING experiences of my life. However...I /we already miss her so much. I've already started to go to call her twice since we've been back home this afternoon. Still not fathoming life without my mom....

On my way Mom

2011-08-31T13:46:00.000-04:00

I'm on a train from NYC to CT, having flown into La Guardia this morning. Amazingly, despite what the doctors said , my mom is still hanging on. She was given last rites & taken off the respirator, but she still breathes. If she hangs on another 1 1/2, I'll make it to see her again before she passes. I'm praying she's waiting for me

terrible week....

2011-08-30T22:57:00.000-04:00

This is pretty incredible....but again...not about D....amazingly. Today, while at work/school, setting up my classroom to begin the school year, I got a call from my older brother in CT. where my mom lives....that my mom was missing,...my 91 yr. old mom. Of course, I was quite beside myself,...as they searched for her, and I waited for another call back.   Finally, after 2 hours,...I got another call, and learned that she was found, in the hospital, in intensive care. More on the specifics later...but the bottom line is that she was unconscious, had a brain bleed....and she was sedated and on a respirator. She now (at 10 p.m. at night) was just given last rites, and I'm planning to either drive up there from where I live in Virginia, or fly up tomorrow. I'm waiting for a phone call to see if she survives the night. She is not expected to, according to the doctor. Obviously....this is so so terrible....I can't begin to describe how much so. I was just there and kissed her good bye at 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning....before I left to drive back to Virginia. I did not think that it would be the last time I heard her voice, or kissed her cheek. I am so so so sad....and it all feels surreal. I don't know how else to describe it. I just had to post this.

    My mom was found at 6 a.m.,....at this point, I don't know yet who she was found by. Apparently, she got up out of bed, changed her clothes (wasn't still wearing her pajamas),...and went out for a walk (?)   The doctor said that she must have had a brain bleed that caused her to fall...not the other way around...there was no evidence that she'd hit her head...no mark on her. So, she was taken to the local hospital, then, because of the status of her brain, was transferred to Yale New Haven Hosp.. While they kept looking for her,...driving up and down streets, etc....someone called the local hospital and was told that yes, an elderly woman, a "Jane Doe" was admitted, then transferred to Yale. The fact that my mom was laying on a street....a "Jane Doe".....is like a knife in my heart. I have been tortured today by that image, that thought....and feel so guilty that we hadn't yet changed her situation that someone wasn't with her 24/7. I'd just said that last week to my daughter...."I don't think that Grandma should be alone at all now....we need to change things so that she's not alone at all"...but I hadn't/we hadn't acted upon that yet. My mom has been living in a house that's right behind my brother's house...like a guest house, on my brother's property. She's had someone that comes in every day in the morning,...for about 2 hrs., and then someone later in the day, for the same...and my brother and even his daughters(at times)/my nieces come in during the day, intermittently.   My brother said good night to her at 9:45 last night and then she was gone this morning at 9 a.m.. Why she would have got up and been out walking at 6 a.m. is beyond me....not at all what she normally does. In fact, in recent times...she sleeps late...like 'til 10 a.m. at my house recently when she visited...when I'd wake her up.   It sounds funny,...but the fact that she hadn't made her bed this morning tells me that maybe something was already going on. I swear...she always always gets right up and makes her bed immediately....before a cup of coffee,...no matter what.

   I feel like I'm rambling. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my head right now. I can't believe this is happening/has happened....and that I'm here in Virginia and all these people (my brother, his wife, my nieces, her caretakers) are all there with her and I'm NOT. I feel like my heart is breaking.                     I do know that I'm so glad that I just recently went up to CT. to get her and flew her back down here with me...and spent over a week alone with her,...before a lot of other people came here to attend our daughter's engagement party. Later on, I drove back up to CT. with my daughter and her fiance, so that they could visit with our extended family there...and stayed with my mom at her house and spent time with her again.

   No matter what day or time I'd call my mom....which was frequently...she'd answer and say, "I was just thinking about you."    I just was never ready for this....whether she's 91 or not.   : (

my sweet girl, Jessie

2011-08-28T22:45:00.000-04:00

wow...I have been sooo remiss on posting...and have soo much to say...but can't get into it all now. Just will say that D is clean and doing well,...yaay.

   Meanwhile though.....we had to put down the best dog anyone would ever know, today,...our yellow lab, Jessie. Jessie was the sweetest, most wonderful dog we've ever known....I really can't do her justice here. This is very hard....so awful,...and I guess you won't get it unless you're a dog person. But Jessie is the dog that our kids grew up with....that we picked up at 9 weeks old and the 3 of them argued as to who would hold her in the car on the way home. Our oldest(daughter) won that one....if you knew her,...you'd know why, LOL.

    Anyway...it's amazing how difficult and painful this is,....it was so hard to have to decide it (she had cancer) and even worse to go through the actual experience. I really don't think I can remember seeing my husband this heartbroken. : (        She was., as I said....such an amazing dog. I feel her in this room with now...and can't believe that she's gone.   I will know it tomorrow morning...for she was the first thing I saw and reacted to when I awoke each day,....since she wanted her morning Milk Bone. My heart is breaking.

    Thanks for "listening"   I'll get back to regular posting soon...............

That Smell

2011-08-08T11:37:00.001-04:00

This was written on Sat. night....but interrupted. The daughter and fiance are here now ! : )

     It's something how one small thing can trigger the memory of painful times. Our daughter and her fiance are arriving tomorrow, to visit for 2 weeks here at our home...and then another additional week up north with the extended family...(I'm going with them to visit : ) ) Anyway...it's quite a BIG deal around here...being that we haven't seen our daughter for a YEAR (can you feel my emphasis?)..and even more strange...she's engaged to an Australian guy that my husband/her dad has NEVER MET yet !    I did get to know the fiance (Shaun) 2 yr.s ago when I visited them both in San Diego for a week...when S( my husband)couldn't get away from work to go with me...and yes...he's wonderful,...even though they do live in Australia,...but plan to move to the U.S. in a few years, after my daughter is done with graduate school..but I digress.

   O.K....so, truly...it's been shape up central here at the homefront....S and I have been busting butt to get everything all looking good,...the house in order,...touch up painting, hanging new drapes...you name it. We're having a big engagement party for them here next weekend on the 13th....yes, D is coming here from Fla. to attend and will be here from Fri. to Mon.. So....early this evening.....I went into the bedroom to look into the drawers that they can use for their clothes while staying here (and yeah..that's a whole other thing...them staying here together in the same room, ...but they live together...so really...). I wanted to make sure they were all cleaned out,..etc.,...and the dresser that's in the bedroom I just put together (we're empty nesters now...yaay) was from D's old room...and lo and behold...in the top drawer in the corner of the drawer...what was it I found ? A small amount of pot/weed....are we surprised ?...um...no...but still,..it caught me off guard. I really had thought that we'd purged every last iota of what D had in this house, not that he really had leftovers. But don't ever count him out on that ...

For some crazy reason...I picked up some of it between my fingers and crushed it with my fingernails....and smelled it, to be sure it really was what I thought it was...um...yeah...very much so. The smell of it struck me so strongly....brought back such memories of painful, terrible times with D...that it gave me an instant and strong feeling of sadness and pain. It was like an immediate journey backward to bad times and bad feelings. Two things that can instantly do that are often music and smells,...powerful memory triggers. D's big problem became cocaine....although there were certainly many other side drugs along the way....but weed had always been a constant, and also where he started,...and continued with, and sold....oh man, did he sell it. : (   That was what was his most common legal problem. God knows we could never keep ziplock baggies in stock in our house....ugh.     Sooo, as a result, the smell of weed is something that is just like a punch in the stomach for me, strongly...way too many painful associations. Ironic....considering my fondness for it during the '70s.

Anyway....sights, sounds, smells,.....triggers for us, as well as them. I still am adjusting to not cringing at the sight of police, the sound of sirens , ...and obviously....that smell. Time will tell...

Shit on our shoes

2011-08-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

We got a letter in the mail here at our house....or I should say, D got a letter...from the DMV. S(hubby/father) opened it. It says that D's license has been revoked, for 6 mo.s, since June 7th ! Apparently, it's taken this long for the administrative process of the court to get this to happen...and let D/us know of it.   On June 7th, D was convicted of a misdemeanor charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. If you've read this blog before, you know that it was a huge break for him...in that it was originally a felony charge of possession of a controlled substance(cocaine) and he was very fortunate to have it reduced to what it was, a misdemeanor charge of paraphernalia. However, from what we can decipher so far...from looking up the law code....in our state (VA.)...there is now a statute (I think that is what is what it is) that then automatically revokes the license of a drug convicted person for 6 mo.s...even if the drug offense had nothing to do with driving or didn't even occur in a vehicle ?   This was pretty surprising to us(and to D), since he's had other prior drug offenses that didn't automatically revoke his license, nor did the judge (or D's attorney) ever mention anything about this the day he was in court and convicted. We e-mailed the attorney about this, haven't yet heard a reply about it...and of course, notified D right away.

Surprisingly....D, although not at all happy about this turn of events....stopped driving right away, despite needing to get back and forth from work 5 or 6 days per week, which he does by driving. In fact, after having relapsed in June, and not having driving privileges for 30 days...he's not yet even had his car back yet for 30 days. Meanwhile....I'm still (at least somewhat) thinking.....how's he going to work this out until early December ? How will he be able to keep getting rides from others for that long?...yada yada yada. I'm not as freaked out about it as I would have been in the past,...I have indeed made some progress in this journey, despite needing to still need so much more of it,..but still... I was actually somewhat flabbergasted that D wasn't upset, ...incessantly nagging about when would the attorney know or let us know if this is for sure....could anything be done to change it, etc.. But, truly...nothing. He's waiting, like we are, to just be doubly sure that this is not some glitch that is inaccurate (doubtful),..and is busy doing other daily things in the meantime, without AT ALL obsessing about it, and most of all,...NOT driving, nor whining about not driving.   I couldn't help but say to him..."You seem to be pretty accepting of all of this...not having a hard time with it." His comment was, "Well, I'm just trying to accept life on life's terms" (AA/NA slogan) But still....geez,...I was quite amazed. Is this for real ? D's reaction to this ?   Is he just lying about that? Still driving and telling me this ? ????   I know I could find out by calling his house manager...but I've controlled myself and didn't do that. We have done our best to impress upon him that if he did still drive, and there was (God forbid) an accident...insurance wouldn't cover him with a revoked license and all kinds of other trouble would follow.

   I told my brother (one of D's most ardent and loving supporters,mind you)about it, and his comment was "Well,...if you walk around in dog shit long enough,...even when you're away from it....a long time later,..you look down and find out there's still a little shit on your shoe. It just takes so long to really get it all off." You'd have to know my brother....but he's quite a wonderful man and usually always has a witty comment....as well as the ability to make me smile/laugh in many of life's most troubling situations, thankfully.

   So,what I'm saying here is that yes,...D still has some shit on his shoe,...despite his current efforts to not walk in shit anymore. And apparently....I do too,...for mine is the reaction to his reaction....in that it's hard to believe and fathom his reaction, as well as my mind wondering how he'll navigate all of this new challenge and keep his job, etc..    Is this making sense ?   Time will tell....

Feeling the Feelings

2011-08-01T02:09:00.000-04:00

I have been a bit out of the blogger loop due to traveling to go and meet and travel with my 91 yr. old mom to bring her back here to visit with us at our home in a different state. That was a bit of an adventure since our flight was cancelled in NY and we had to stay overnight and fly out the next day.

In the meantime, D was in touch with me and told me what was happening back in his world at his sober living home. He's been quite troubled about his former housemate, Mark, relapsing, and actually felt "betrayed" by it,....and not even from Mark stealing his money. Wow...talk about taking things personally. It was a bit of a surprise for me to see D taking it that way. It just struck me how D was now in the seat that we have been when he'd relapsed. Of course, I told D to think about how much this was Mark's disease and it had no real concern or connection to him personally. Unfortunately(and that's not a strong enough word for what I mean)....Mark did go through the detox where he checked himself into....after having attempted suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol after he'd relapsed : ( ...but what I mean about "unfortunately" was that he then left there and is now out on the streets doing crack again...from what D knows.....which is why D's feeling so bad about it......it's so horrible.

D texted me last night after midnight....asking if I was awake.......well, then I was. (I know...why the hell do I STILL have my cell phone in my bedroom...the boy is states away from us? He said he was having an "anxiety attack"...and wasn't doing well. There's a whole other issue now...for he's very attracted to/fallen for a girl that's also living at his house...who's become his best friend there. (this is why D doesn't necessarily need to be in a co-ed house). He always ends up finding some girlfriend wherever he goes. Anyway...of course, they are not allowed to have a romantic relationship there....and he does respect that..knows and agrees that can't happen...but that's what is also giving him angst. So, between his sadness about Mark and his emotional frustration/upset about the girl...it set him off into this whole anxious feeling. What struck me was what he said to me about his feelings. He said, " I just am having all these feelings and feeling anxious and you know...I'm not used to doing this without drugs." He went on to say, "Don't get me wrong,...I don't want to get high (can we say HALLELUJAH?!), .."I just want these feelings to go away".

I thought well...isn't that the real crux of the issue for every addict ? They really aren't usually willing to just FEEL these shitty feelings...whatever they may be,...without obliterating or numbing them with a drug ? And ya know...the rest of us have those upsetting feelings for whatever reason during life's ups and downs and we just feel them and live through them and bear it. But I'm also convinced that our addicts, that we love...just have always felt those shit feelings (and other ones too) more intensely than the rest of us do......therefore, aren't willing to tolerate them, once they've experienced the "wonderful numbness" of what drugs do for them. And you know that it's not actually wonderful, of course,....not in the end result, anyway.

He called this morning and was feeling a lot better.....at that point anyway. Haven't heard from him later on today. I did see a facebook post that he said " falling to pieces" ...sigh. But, tomorrow's another day....and he's going to have to learn to deal with the feelings without numbness....like we all do each day. One day at a time. ......

20 years ago today

2011-07-26T23:41:00.000-04:00

It was 20 years ago today....no, not when Sargent Pepper taught the band to play,..but when I gave birth to a baby boy....a very beautiful baby. He was planned for, prayed for,..a much wanted little blessing. He was delivered by cesarean,...even though his older siblings had been born the natural way. D had turned in the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy, and was breech, butt first...couldn't be delivered that way. In fact, we'd tried what's called a "version",..where the doctors tried to turn him around, while still within me (I wouldn't recommend this to anyone) but he'd just turn right around again...his way, or no way...not surprising once we got to know him. Although he slept through the night from 12 days old (amazing !), he made up for it with colic...screaming his little head off every evening, from about 4 to 10:30 p.m., unless I jogged around the family room with him continuously. He did that from about 1 mo. old, 'til 4 1/2 mo.s. He had his ideas about everything he wanted and was not to be swayed on many things he wanted. If we tried to go away, out of town, to visit Grandma or another relative....you could forget him sleeping,..he HAD to have his own crib. He was an adorable little toddler, but always had his own ideas of how things should be, must be. Later on,..he turned that all into a good thing...he was our little "rule follower"...yes..truly. He had to do things a certain way. In fact, he was the one who we had to work on letting know that it was OK to sometimes vary what we usually did....we didn't always have to do everything the same way each time....that he could be flexible,...that routines could actually also be flexible.

He went to school and did everything he was supposed to do,...academically did very well, as well as behaviorally. Accolades all around. This continued on and on,....until he met up with DRUGS. This sweet, empathetic, loving boy was changed....at first, subtly, but then dramatically,...until he became someone that we didn't recognize, nor could fathom. Pain and drama and episodes with police followed for years....repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly....despite our very best and persistent efforts. We and others who loved him were dumbfounded.

   After years....we now understand a lot more of those painful times, and what led up to them. But I still don't think we'll ever totally fathom it all. We are now grateful to be starting to get our son back. We pray that he can continue to be all that he was always meant to be.

   I, for one....am more than thankful to close the chapter on those teenage years for D. So, Happy Birthday D......may your 20s be a new beginning and a return to who you really are and can be in all that's positive in life.

Nature of the Beast

2011-07-25T10:57:00.000-04:00

I was awakened this morning by the beep of a text coming into my cell phone...which was on my nightstand. I don't normally do that anymore(have my cell in the bedroom when I sleep),..but old habits die hard I guess. Yes, it was D...with a text.."are you awake?" Well, I am now,...I knew something must be up, but I didn't have that old start of the heart feeling that I always used to have...yay me.   Anyway...I texted him back that I was awake and he called me.

Last night, the guy that is part owner of the business of his sober living house, Mark, (remember me crowing about how great he's been to D ?..just recently), relapsed on crack (ugh!), and apparently, did so with $180 of D's money. Since D had relapsed in June, he's been turning over his paycheck (once cashed) and the $ has been held in a lock box in the house, and D can only get small amounts out at a time, with consistent explanation of what it's being used for. Only Mark, or the actual house manager, Mike, have access to the lock box.    In fact, just a few days ago,.. D called us and asked if he could take all of the money he's saving and put it into his bank account (yes, he does still have one..hardly anything in it), and from there, if we could transfer most of it into our account, which is linked to it and we can access online. We were going to get that done today. He said the money was building up(imagine that) in cash in the house and that MARK suggested he get it out of the house and into the bank. ( Seems to me that Mark knew it was tempting him ?) During that conversation, D said that he'd feel better if we did that anyway,...because he was becoming concerned/suspicious that Mark may be using again. Well...it takes one to know one, right ? I asked why and he said that Mark was behaving a bit differently...isolating, etc.. We can all relate to watching those subtle signals, can't we ? Anyway, he told his suspicions to Mike, who had also become concerned and then an hour after D had been into and out of the lock box with Mike and counted his money in front of Mike....Mark had gone into the box. As soon as he left the house, Mike and D counted it again,..and bingo,...D's money was missing. : ( So, Mike called Mark...repeatedly, no answer. Then, he called Trish,(who lives in a different house) who is the main owner of their business and told her...who called Mark and got him to answer. Mark was told to not come back to the house....he told Trish that he was going to go and check himself into some place...don't know where. Then, early this morning, Mark shows up and D heard him come in...and asked him why he was there. He acted like nothing was wrong,...as if D didn't know. So, D had to go and wake up Mike, who did get Mark to leave,...fortunately. D told me he was pretty nervous in talking to Mark at first....for he knew enough not to want to argue with a guy who may be high on crack, and is about 6 ft. 5 in. at that ! Sigh , sigh, sigh.....I am sad.    As I'd said with a previous post,...Mark did SO SO much to help D stay clean,...more than you'd expect he even would,..using his own time and at times his own money, so that D wouldn't be isolated,...would be able to do some things for fun, ..go out for pizza or a movie. He drove D back and forth to work each day for 30 days, brought him to his dr.'s appt.s, to get his prescriptions filled,...called me to double check on D's medicine and let me know how D was doing. And of course,..none of that was bullshit...it was a beautiful example of an addict helping another addict. He talked to me on the phone, telling me how he was trying to make sure D knew what his disease would do to him if D didn't fully work on his recovery, actively, every day. He stressed to D that he would indeed be homeless, without support of even his family, if he didn't give his all to his recovery.....and now look...it's Mark that's homeless,...once again. Apparently, he's been so before, and for extended periods of time.   I just am so sad about him...although I've never even met him.

Meanwhile....you all are probably thinking what hit me pretty readily about this happening. Well D,...now you know what it feels like to have someone steal from you to get drugs....not fun, is it ? I hadn't said anything yet about that, and D said..."I am not happy he did this,obviously, and hate what he's doing to himself,...but I really can't be angry at him,...after how many times I've done the same thing....mainly to you and dad." That's for sure ! Try going through this for YEARS. It still hurts,...although I really try to release it...holding onto resentment isn't good for any of us...and I do see it as a symptom of his disease. I don't excuse his behavior of stealing...but his disease does certainly help explain it.   I'll even admit....I'm surely not glad that this happened...especially for Mark himself,..but there was a small part of me that took pleasure (and felt bad about doing so) that D was experiencing how it felt to be stolen from. As I said...I'm not proud of feeling that,..but I am human,...not Jesus.

   So, as much as Mark "seemed" to be doing the right things....his demon of addiction was lying in wait within him. : (    I asked D why he thought this happened,...and he said, "As soon as he started having those thoughts....he didn't tell someone,...he kept it to himself,..but he needed to tell someone/ie. his sponsor and reach out."     I just hope that D uses this (and others living in his house as well) to cement in his brain that he must be vigilant and remain proactive about his recovery.

    Praying for Mark, D and your addicts as well.

Fighting the Demon

2011-07-21T09:52:00.001-04:00

Although I've been keeping up on reading others' blogs,...for some reason, I've let mine lapse for awhile. Currently, D is clean (over 30 days now) since his relapse in June, and living in the sober living home he moved into after being kicked out of the last one when he relapsed. Fortunately, where he is now is just a much better place overall,...so as bad as it is that he relapsed, the fact that it also resulted in him moving into where he is now is a good thing.   Since he relapsed and was homeless that one weekend from Thurs. night to Monday, he was then on restriction, and couldn't go anywhere without someone from the house with him, and wasn't able to drive his own car anymore either, not even to work. He was driven back and forth from work daily by the very devoted house manager, Mark. Mark has been quite an amazing blessing to D, and has spent much more time and effort to support D's recovery than would be typical of a sober living house manager. D agreed to all of it, despite his not liking the restrictions or not having his car to use. Additionally, he gives his paycheck to the house manager (with the stub) and gets any money he needs in small amounts only, ...showing what he's using it on.   In fact, the woman who runs the business but doesn't live in the house, even called me....to check in and touch base with us on how D was doing. I was pretty amazed at that too. She gave me the house manager's phone number and said we could call him if we'd like to. I did, and had a good conversation with him....really can't thank him enough for all that he's been doing for D.    He told me (that was a month ago now) that they were leading D by the hand, one day at a time......to help keep him clean, at that point.   He also said a lot of nice things about D that were very encouraging to hear,....how D had a lot more maturity and willingness to get it and be in recovery than he's seen in most young guys his age (19, almost 20),...how D is such a great kid, and obviously really wants recovery, despite his recent relapse at that point,...that he's got a good attitude, is usually easy to get along with, etc.. The one thing he said that was most encouraging was that he has a lot of hope for D....that he really sees him continuing on in his recovery and being o.k.,....and how he really often doesn't see that this young for many of the guys he works with.

   Meanwhile, D continues to work and go to meetings each night, and even has had a bunch of fun times with some people he knows in recovery there and a new friend ( a girl) he works with,....just a friend, which is good. I love hearing about him being able to do some social things with other young people where he has some fun, for I know that whole social thing is important for him, especially at his age. He's gone to a picnic, out to a restaurant to watch the world cup, to see a movie, etc.. I think it's s great for him to keep experiencing these fun times where he enjoys himself in a social setting where no one is drinking or getting high, especially with other people around his age. He isn't doing those things that much, but it seems it's enough to keep him motivated.

   Just the night before last, he did have a tough time again, with cravings...and it hasn't been the first time that it's happened, since his relapse. No surprise there. He now (just since last Saturday) has his car back, and was driving a couple of guys from his house to a meeting. One was a brand new guy who started to talk about cocaine, and also say...."Let's just ditch this meeting and go find something fun to do." He said that the guy wasn't saying to go and get high,...just not go to the meeting. They did however, go to the meeting. That was enough though,...that thread of conversation in the car, to start the whole using/craving thought process in D's head...and it really really bothered him, throughout the meeting and continued afterward that night. In fact, he said that at the end of the meeting, when they ask if anyone has a burning desire...he spoke and said yes, he had a burning desire (need to speak) and that it was to say that he really felt like getting high. : (     That prompted a number of people to come over and talk to him personally at the end of the meeting, offering support, etc.. Afterward, he had the guy with the cocaine talk ride back to their house in someone else's car and called his sponsor and then went out to McDonald's with a couple of people he's friendly with in recovery, which also helped him feel better, he said.    So, ....what a difference....he still was having the thoughts/urges....but this time, was reacting by DOING THE RIGHT THING.....trying to get away from what was prompting him, ...and most importantly, calling his sponsor immediately.

His sponsor now....that's a whole other story....this guy is another Godsend....what a wonderful blessing for D he is. D has been working on steps with him and he said when he did the first step with him, it was the most intense first step experience he's ever had, ...he cried, laughed,..you name it. But I digress.

   Then, last night he calls us,...spoke with his dad, and asked if we'd be willing to help him change his phone number on his cell phone. Yes,...we currently pay his cell phone w/ Verizon. He said that because of his relapse in Florida, there's now a coke dealer there who has his number...and another guy also, who was the one that helped him find the coke dealer and used with him. He said that guy is now supposedly clean, but that he really doesn't know if he can trust that anyway, nor whether or not he'll stay clean in the future, so he doesn't want him to have his number anymore. He was someone who D originally met in his former sober living home.....and is now working on his recovery again, and is asking D if he may want to be roommates with him in an apartment in the future, after D is no longer in the sober living house where he now lives. D said that he just doesn't want him having his number anymore....as well as for sure not wanting the coke dealer to text him about having some "great stuff"....prompting a craving.

    The main thing I'm seeing is D thinking of different situations and worrying.....HIM initiating trying to avoid those things,...being proactive in trying to not be in any contact with whatever could prompt him to use again....not me or his dad or his sponsor saying those things, but HIM, big and important difference. In fact, he said that after the cocaine talk the other night on the way to the meeting....he felt scared and awfully anxious and nauseous.....in reaction to having the cravings thoughts. When he told me that, I thought,...."Good, that makes me feel sick too."    He did finally start taking the Naltrexone....takes a daily pill, and said at first that he thought it was helping him not to have as many cravings....but he wasn't sure. I guess that is a very hard thing to know,....unless he goes off it and starts having more...or goes off it and it's the same. Fortunately, he hasn't had any side effects at all since starting to take it. Anyway, if it can help him at all, I figure....try it and use it for awhile, at least,...especially with no other side effects and that it is covered by insurance.

     That's all that's happening currently.   Sometimes it's discouraging to think how hard he has to fight this daily....but that type of thought is fleeting to me. For I am much more focused on how grateful I am for how hard he is fighting and that he's currently clean....and YES,...free of any legal charges now. That is also a recent happening (since June 7th) that I am in awe of, after so much time (years) of dealing with that. One day at a time....and on this day, I am GRATEFUL.       Still praying for yours and you as I pray for mine.

here's the link

2011-06-27T21:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.weartv.com/newsroom/top_stories/videos/wear_vid_16340.shtml#.TgkwBVhEaHc.google

thank God for restrictions

2011-06-27T21:28:00.000-04:00

This is incredible,.....D called me today....saying, that something happened,...he couldn't believe it.   One of the guys from his former sober living house...you know, the one he was recently kicked out of,...had killed his girlfriend this past weekend ! The guy had moved out of that house a little while ago to live with his girlfriend. The other thing is....prior to killing her, ...just hours prior,...the guy (Ben) was kicked out of his girlfriend's house, and when that happened, he called D for a ride. Since D had recently relapsed and is on the heaviest of restriction now, D told him that he couldn't help him out. D did ask him what happened....why was he kicked out? He told D that he had gotten high and that was why. D said that Ben was high when he was talking on the phone with D, and that
Ben was a crack addict, so must have been high on crack on the time. D tells me that he probably wouldn't have given him a ride anyway....but who knows.
I am at a loss for words at the tragedy

Apparently, Ben went back to his girlfriend's house and then beat her with a 2 x 4, while she slept, and then strangled her. I am at a loss for words ....it's all so horrific. I think of the poor girlfriend..,her family....Ben's family....Ben himself. I wonder....what is his background ? Was he abused ?What was it that drove his addiction, besides his biology ?   Could one of our kids have become Ben ?

    And of course, as D's mom.....what if he hadn't recently relapsed and still had his car ?    Would he have unknowingly gone to give Ben a ride ? D gave Ben rides all the time while they both lived at the other sober living house. Could Ben have killed D while high on crack if D said the wrong thing ?   Could D have been involved and then charged as helping Ben with getting away from the murder ? My mind pictured all of those things today.      There but for the grace of God goes D.....      I'm just amazed at all of it...it's all so very very sad.....

      This is a perfect (however tragic) example of the horrors of addiction......

house meeting

2011-06-20T21:15:00.000-04:00

D went to his house meeting tonight,....the house where he had been living before he was kicked out on Thurs. night. After discussion and new requirements (more stringent than before) he was allowed to move back in. He (and we) were relieved...so it begins again. He did sleep at his sponsor's house last night, so he wasn't still in his car. The sponsor wouldn't let him do so on Fri. or Sat. night, but did so last night, which was a relief for D. I think he's really become appreciative of A/C,...no wonder.

Yesterday, he called and was hanging out in a hospital parking garage.....felt it was a safer place to hang out in his car, vs. other parking lots, and was also cooler in temperature. I said,..."well, that's true,...that makes sense." His reply was, "Well Mom, I'm not stupid." No, D was never stupid,...not at all. He was the one as a freshman in h.s. with a 3.7 GPA,....UNTIL he got involved with drugs. I guess it's been so long since I've seen him doing anything sensible,...that it's hard to remember that.

And, so ....he is given yet another chance to be clean and build a good life. Time will tell......

a place to sleep, one day at a time

2011-06-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

From what I can tell, D rallied enough to go to work today, even though he still felt sick. He called here this morning, when it was only 8:30 there, at what's 1/2 hr. into his shift. He was still feeling awful, nauseous. He was on his break, which they often have early on, since it's not yet busy then.

He was upset again and talked about how he didn't know what he'd do yet....how he was scared last night. He'd slept in the Walmart parking lot, and how hot he'd been, and how he couldn't close up all the car windows to be safe, since it was so hot. He did ask if we could help him out tonight (think $ for motel room),...and I said no,...and we agreed to text or talk later on.

From how he sounded, I didn't know if he'd make it through the day at work,...feeling as sick as he was. In fact, him being so sick made me wonder if he had been doing something else instead of coke,...not that coke was anything remotely o.k..   He kept saying that he didn't want to at all do anything negative anymore....that he regretted so much what he'd done, that he really does want recovery, which is why he wants to go back to the sober living house as soon as they let him on Monday.

   So....he did call today after work, and was feeling much better physically. He really still thought that it had been from being in the heat from Thurs. night 'til Sat. morning...who knows.   Meanwhile, he was calling me from the mall there. Since it had A/C, it was much better than sitting around in his car. And, apparently, he was able to plug in his cell phone in some outlet he'd found in the mall....swell. I told S,....D's currently a vagrant...ugh.

        The bright side for him was that a girl he works with had told him he could sleep on her couch tonight,...so he was quite relieved about that. Don't know what he'll do all day tomorrow (no work) or tomorrow night. But, at least he knows that we won't pay for him to stay somewhere. I told him about the Salvation Army lodge and that there were other shelters too, but didn't give him any phone numbers or specifics.

So that's the latest here. When he was a little boy, I sure never thought that I'd be referring him to homeless shelters, but this isn't the first time that I've done it either.

relapse/ homeless for the weekend

2011-06-17T23:06:00.000-04:00

O.k.,..here's the latest,..and I need to get it out, and have you all tell me what I know you will.    I've had a very busy week...last week of work/school, and haven't had much time to post. But, D has been doing so well, or so it seemed, and it all has seemed so encouraging. His new house manager has been driving him back and forth to work as well as any other place he's gone,..mainly meetings, or anywhere they and other house residents went to do whatever. I've heard from him frequently, and although he was struggling at first, he kept sounding better and better. He got the prescription for the Naltrexone and he was going to fill it today, when he had the day off from work. I'd thought (and even suggested) he fill it sooner,...but whatever, he hadn't yet.
Early this evening, I was at our end of the year faculty party, having a great time....and my cell phone rang. It was D, ...sounded horrible, almost crying...said he had bad news...he'd used again. WTF. He was also kicked out of his sober living house...the new one, when it was discovered last night, at 3 a.m., that he was gone. He'd gone out in the middle of the night to a drug dealer's place. Guess the house manager doesn't have his car key? Didn't even ask about that detail. He was at a Walmart parking lot, had nowhere to go, was hotter than hell,..it is southern FLA., and yes, quite brutal heat right now. Apparently, he'd been driving around or just sitting in the car all day, other than going to a meeting in the middle of the day.

   He said that he'd not called or texted me earlier, because he didn't want to ask for help, but didn't know what to do, where to go, etc.. He said he had about $7, that the house manager had the rest of the $ from his paycheck and they wouldn't give it to him, nor give him his medicine either...they had that at the house. They'd told him he could come back into the house on Mon., but not until then. He started to cry, said he didn't know what he would do, that he was so hot, that he'd thrown up earlier from the heat...or thought that must be why.   He said all of the regretful things that we're all used to them saying. I know that he meant it, ..but , well...you know what I mean. I didn't want to hear it at that point, even if I thought he did mean it.   I told him I was at the party,...to call his father,...I'd talk to him later once I'd left the party. I did call him back...it was more of the same conversation.

Bottom line, he texted me back again, after our 2nd conversation on my way from the party. He said that he was so hot, that he needed a shower so bad....could we just give him $40 to try to find somewhere to stay for tonight ? I'd already suggested he try to find a public shelter that would take him and to call his sponsor. He said that he'd already talked to him, and that the sponsor told him that he probably couldn't be let into a shelter since he had a car....that there were many other people in much more need than him so that they wouldn't take him. His sponsor told him that maybe he was right where he needed to be right now.

   S (my husband) and I talked and decided that we wouldn't help him,....that he was going to have to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot in the heat, for the weekend. He's supposed to work tomorrow, so I am hoping he'll go, and at least have AC and be able to get something to eat there too. I have no idea if he has work clothes with him or what that situation is. I also know he doesn't have a car charger for his phone, so don't know if his cell phone charge will run out and then he won't even be able to tell us where he is or if he's o.k..

   I am now sitting out on our deck on a balmy and beautiful summer night, typing this ....picturing D in a crappy car in the heat....with nowhere to go,...and not doing well mentally...meaning depressed. Mind you, my husband is a 26 yr. Marine, and references what all our young guys are feeling for heat in Afghanistan right now,...telling me that D will be o.k.. S also understands addiction and what's needed for recovery very well, and is hoping that this weekend will make a difference for D,...that we finally will not help him in this "time of need" that he's created.

I say "homeless for the weekend" because his sober living home has already told him that he can move back in on Monday. But, I'm sick,....just sick, sitting here, picturing him there. S is here with me, also playing some music, and seems to be able to cope with this so much better than me. Don't get me wrong, he loves our son as much as I do, but I'm just wired in a way that this is still so so so hard for me.

     I'm just so tired of this....and I know you all understand.   Obviously, he still had the drug dealer's number in his phone contacts. What does that tell you ? Sometimes I feel so dumb for thinking that he's getting better.

Going forward ....again

2011-06-11T09:09:00.000-04:00

Well, no drama to report since the last post....isn't that nice ? Since D got back to FLA. again, things seem to be going well. Of course, my info. is all obtained via D, so it's not like I necessarily know for sure, given the source and how recently he'd lied to us. But, then again, I've become quite skilled at having a feel for things with him, after a multiple years training program.

D is doing well and sounds very happy in the new sober living house, which just so happens, is much closer to where he works....good thing...less gas $. He knew the people (at least most of them) in that house already, since he's been in the area since last Dec. and going to meetings since Jan.. He is quite connected with people in the area in recovery, so already knew the house manager before he moved in there, which is how he got a spot right away on last Sun. night. One big difference in the new house is that it's not just males, like his old house.....that gave me pause. I just hate to see him get involved with a girl in early recovery. And, even though it's less than a week, he's already talking about some girl that lives in his house who's like his "best friend",...and also happens to be "so hot". Sigh. He never did have problems getting a girlfriend,...just hope he focuses more on working on his recovery....and wouldn't it be great if sometime he could have a non addict girlfriend ?   He actually used to have those,...back when he was still living home....but they'd never last because he could never quit using.

   He just sounds very very happy,...but that makes me feel a bit of concern though, although not as much as when he's depressed and miserable,..not even close. My concern is that whole pink cloud thing,....who was it just discussing this on a blog ? I mean, geez....he was just miserable and sobbing on the phone on Sun. night.....that's him though, so zero to 60. I do know that when he is really working on his recovery, he's so happy about it,...that's been consistent every time. He did say he'd also been struggling too, but is getting through it each day. I know he's having a lot of support in that effort by the house manager helping him, as well, of course, by his sponsor.

   He is going to start on the Naltrexone, so I'm very interested to see how that will go....if he feels a difference, etc.. I did hear that it can cause fatigue, but now that he does take medication for ADHD again (Vyvanse), which is a stimulant, that should help with fatigue. He'd forgotten (I hadn't) how much the Vyvanse helped him. When he started taking it again, he texted me and said..."oh my God, the Vyvanse is incredible...it's so much easier for me to be at work,..amazing".   Ever since he was little and first took medication for ADHD, I used to think he should be on a commercial for it....it helps him so very very much. He's sensitive to a substance.....geez,...ya think ? So, that can work in both ways....for the negative (as we all know so well), but also positively, when he takes a legitimate medication to help make his brain work in the correct way.       I see that as a teacher so much....with ADD/ADHD. I look at the kids who are so affected by it...whose parents won't give them medication that could help them, ...and as a result, they continue to struggle and feel bad about themselves. And I think...how many of them will become addicts ? Meanwhile, if they had asthma or something else, their parents would give them medication for that in a heartbeat....even something new that just came on the market,...compared with something that's been used for such a long time as the medications used to treat ADHD. O.K.,..off my soapbox here on that, but the media has put out so much misleading info. to the public on ADHD that it really saddens me. We have a long way to go until it's understood without the misconceptions that are so common.

     So, for now....for today, I'm feeling a sense of relief, and hope it's not short lived, because we really could use it, after these years. Of course, of course....I don't think that it's not going to continue to be a significant struggle for D. I'm just enjoying today...and hopefully, the weekend. I'm just LOVING that he doesn't have ANY court date looming in the future right now. WOW. There have only been 3 mo.s since June 2008 that he didn't have court dates coming up and those 3 yr.s of that weighing on us (at least for me) was always a worry. His active using (ugh, and dealing), and the chaos and pain related to that was even worse though. It feels weird to know that he doesn't have court coming. He does have to get the comm. svc. hours (only 25) done , and mail the documentation to prove it up to the court here though.   I'm going to try to not mention it to him and see if he'll mention it to me. I know this is pathetic, but it won't be easy for me to not ask him about that.

I hope that we all can have some peace this weekend....at least for a couple of days. For those of you whose addict children are surely using, or you don't know where they are, that peace is so much more elusive. I know it so well. I keep all of our children in my prayers for lasting recovery.

Lucky Again

2011-06-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

Well,....D really did luck out again today...it went very well in court, all things considered. He was facing a felony charge of possession of cocaine, although it was all based upon circumstantial evidence. He was never found with it on him or in him, nor was at the scene when police arrived to find his friend in possession of it. Additionally, the one witness the prosecution was hoping to have (a hotel clerk) couldn't be located. However, though it was an arguable case, and could possibly have been won....it was way too risky to do, according to D's attorney. Once we heard of the possible sentence...if convicted, from 0 to 10 years in prison!,..we all agreed. That particular judge also, according to D's attorney, doesn't usually do criminal law(then how come he has this case today?),...there was no way to know what the judge would decide.

So....the prosecutor and D's attorney made a deal, as is often how it goes, prior to entering the courtrooom,...and D took it. D plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of poss. of drug paraphernalia, and was therefore was convicted of it. Obviously, that was much much better than the previous charge,..and a very good outcome, considering what the possibilities were. We waited outside the courtroom for over 3 hr.s. At least I graded papers for school the whole time....D paced and sat,...S(my husband) sat and also read a magazine a bit. We've done this drill before, sadly enough...which is why I had the schoolwork with me,...I knew it could be a long time 'til we got in there.

Even though I knew what would happen (which was actually good) once we got in that courtroom, once D went up before the bench w/his attorney, before the judge...while standing there in his jacket and tie, looking all good and presentable...it got to me, once again. I had to get out the Kleenex,..it just brought tears to my eyes,..and as you all know, as they say, "this isn't our first rodeo". Nah...not even close. I've been to that damn courthouse more times than I want to count or remember. I really don't plan to go with D again,...I really don't. It still just hit me...with him standing there....years ago, ...who'd have ever thought that he'd have ended up arrested so much, going in front of a judge repeatedly ???? I KNOW we all have been through this...looking at our kids, wondering what the hell went so wrong, even if we actually know what it all was. And of course, it's not just one thing, but the perfect shit storm of factors. Even still, wow...this much pain isn't what we still would have expected.

Anyway, I got off my original theme here of D's outcome today being a good one....for it was. He was very thrilled and relieved and knew just how much of a break he'd received. His resulting penalty was only 25 hr.s of comm. svc. (can be done in FLA.), 1 yr. suspended sentence w/ 2 yr.s good behavior. Could D actually behave well for 2 whole years?? AND, no fine (yaay) with only court costs due by 6 mo.s from now.

The 3 of us went out to lunch together, and it was nice. A rare moment, especially these days. Then I went with D to T.J Maxx and he got some shorts...he was thrilled, and he always did love a bargain. I know people do, but I never find anything in there for myself, unfortunately.

Tonight, early evening, I drove D back to the airport and he flew out, back to FLA.. In fact, he should be landing in about an hour. He's in the new sober living house, and the house manager says that he plans to even drive to and from work with D every day....since, as you know...it's only been 5 days since he's used. : ( And that's IF I have the facts right...who the hell knows...not me.

I am still grateful for what happened in court today,...for I know that D getting a felony and going to jail couldn't do anything good for him vs. what he's attempting to do in sober living, working etc.. At least, I don't think it could. At the same time, I know that the demon of addiction lives within him, and I'm so unsure of what will happen to him in the near or distant future.

And that's what we all have to live with ...and get so used to...the uncertainty of it all for their (and our) future. Acceptance of the unknown or possible future pain is what it is. Acceptance is always the key....so it is.

found a place to live !

2011-06-05T21:49:00.000-04:00

well...for someone who's procrastinated on blogging...this is now my 3rd blog post today. I guess I have to get it out. While S and I sat here, wondering what would happen next, picturing D driving around with his car packed with his clothes, ...the phone rang. It was a woman in FLA., saying that she'd just spoken with D, and had a space for him in her recovery home not far from where he'd just been kicked out of. She said that she already knew him...how much he was active in NA around there...that he'd come to her 15 yr. anniversary recently. She told me what a great kid he was, such a really nice guy..and that's when I started to cry. She told me..."he really really wants recovery, I know that",...more crying on my part. Apparently, a friend of D's lives in her house (she's the house manager) and said that D had just called him, asking if he knew if there was any space at their house, that he was sobbing on the phone. Well, praise God, she had space and he was going to stay there tonight,...and hopefully, from now forward. D was not with her at the moment,..he'd gone to a meeting with the other friend. For the moment, I feel some relief. I don't know why he (or any of our kids) had to have this f'ing curse of addiction....it's such a demon.
Hopefully, he'll make his 7 a.m. flight, and we'll see him tomorrow afternoon. This time, I'm locking my purse in the trunk of my car and putting my keys under my pillow. This is all for one night.....it's certainly more than enough.

relapse again.....he's out

2011-06-05T20:54:00.000-04:00

I can't believe this...although I can. D just called, ...he's just got kicked out of the sober living house that he's been living in since Jan..   He relapsed again this past Thurs. when he got paid, apparently, lied about how much he got paid when he handed over his paycheck $ to the house manager. He was just drug tested tonight and flunked the test, obviously.

He was sobbing on the phone...saying what a failure he is,...that he doesn't want to live like this,..that he just wants to be happy and not feel like killing himself each day, which is what he says he does feel like. He said that he doesn't want to lie to anyone...doesn't want to keep doing this...that he did well for so long, why is it all this way again...will it ever stop ?

He was packing his things...calling his old sponsor to see if he could stay there tonight. Meanwhile, he has a 7 a.m. flight up here tomorrow for court, and is supposed to go right back to FLA. (IF it goes well in court) on Tues. evening.   Go back to where now ??   He still has his job, but no place to live, unless he can figure that out in about 48 hr.s..

   I am sick. I am so sad. I am very frustrated with him, but at the same time, my heart hurts for him. Do you understand that ? I know that he's mentally suffering. We are too. I don't know what will happen now. We've had hope for months and here he's almost in court where it actually might go o.k.. But what then ?    I don't know how to not care about my son who is so depressed and wants to stop this but can't sustain stopping it. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN MY BACK ON THAT.    I don't even know where he's going right now,..other than picturing him loading up all his clothes etc. in that shitty car, with his half tank of gas and no other money. That car is so crappy that he doesn't even have the lighter thing where you can charge your cell phone...so maybe the charge will run out. I am just freaking out right now. My husband is so disgusted...he left to walk the dogs...it's like he can't even talk.

off to the cop's house

2011-06-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

I have become quite the blogging procrastinator,....not really due to anything about D, but more because I've been overwhelmed with school work , tasks of life, etc..   Since I last posted, we did call and speak with the house manager where D lives in the sober living place in FLA., and according to him, everything D has told me is true. Hooray for that one.   He remains on the lower level of freedom, appropriately so, and isn't bitching about that, so that's good.

   At first, when he got back there, from what we could tell via phone calls, plus talking to the house manager, D seemed to be continuing to fight depression and was really feeling tired and down in the dumps and very regretful and somewhat overwhelmed by all that he'd done. I also think (in my personal opinion and from experience w/him) that until a lot of that crap got out of his system all the way....he was going to continue to feel depressed and tired.     Finally, yesterday, when I spoke with him....and no, I really don't speak to him daily, but probably text with him almost daily.....he sounded really good, pretty upbeat and motivated, with energy.

D even did reschedule his dr.s appt., which an almost 20 yr. old should be doing, of course, but you know what I mean. Such things before were not what he seemed to be able to get done, no matter what amount of time available he had. He's continuing to work 5 or usually 6 days per week at Chik Filet and it's 8 to 4, so that is a great schedule for him, allowing him to go to meetings at night.

   Once he went to the dr.(psychiatrist) , he even initiated asking him about a referral to a different therapist, for he says that he knows that he still has so much work to do to get to the root of what has been painful for him and is ready to do it. He's told me that the therapist he's been seeing only does EMDR with him (although that's been good) but doesn't really get into any root things, real work on childhood hurts, the past, etc.. Amazingly, after ALL of the therapists he's seen and all of the treatment he's been through, he's not really gotten into any type of deep work like that too much. He has some, but not consistently and he knows it's necessary.     Additionally, he was given a presciption for Naltrexone that he hasn't filled yet. I've been researching it, and haven't found anything but positive information on it. If anyone reading this has any experience with using it for addiction, I'd welcome your feedback and love to know how it's worked (or not ) for your situation.

Meanwhile, in relation to the title of this post....my husband and I are about to go next door to a cook out at the home of our neighbors....they've lived next door now for about 9 mo.s. Just so happens that the husband is a police sargeant....they got the house on a short sale when our former neighbors got divorced. (don't even get me started about how much that's happening around here....so many people losing their former equity : ( , plus it doesn't help the property values of the rest of us...ugh).

     Well,....just so happens.....Chris (the next door neighbor cop) works in the precinct(of this whole very large city where we live) where D was arrested last fall. Actually, D was never found at the scene but a warrant was issued and he turned himself in.   Therefore, I'm SURE that Chris knows about it...with a warrant being served at the address next door to him....and probably knows the officer who may testify against D this coming Tues. in court, June 7th.   What are the odds that she (a female police officer) may even be at the cookout ?   This is all too much for me, but in the theme of being a decent neighbor, S (my husband) has convinced me to go over to the cookout...at least for awhile.    I KNOW that D was the one that totally initiated the incidents of all of his involvement with police...of COURSE he did. But....ugh,....so many things have occurred with the police that honestly, have changed the way I view them...and not for the better. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at them differently again, at least not the ones in our city...maybe with time.

     Of course, these neighbors just so happen to just love my husband....always always talking to him in the driveway, etc..   My husband is one of those guys that everyone likes like that...he really is. (you know he must be a good guy to get along with me this many years right ?)      I swear, since D's last arrest last November, and then with him leaving for rehab. in December, especially with it being winter, I've barely said much at all to any neighbor. I just kind of shut people out, ...I'm sure other parents of addicts that may be reading this can relate to that at some level.

So....I'll let you know how it goes. I just am hoping that one of his buddies doesn't stop by the cookout at the end of his shift, coming in in uniform.....oy. I swear I have police PTSD.    Too many times, too much pain...with police involved...it's definitely an association that I have viscerally, even if I can reason it out in a better way intellectually.

    Thinking of and praying for you and yours..........

2011-06-02T18:59:00.002-04:00

step 1....again

2011-05-28T22:43:00.000-04:00

D called today, after work. Can you believe that they gave him that job back ? Just goes to show,...the boy has charm when he is in his right mind.
And yes,,..I've heard from him regularly since he first got back to FLA. on Wed. night. Today was the first time that I felt good about him saying that he really is starting over on his road to recovery. He already had said that he'd told his sponsor about everything once he got back to FLA., but I wasn't sure whether or not I would buy that....all recent things considered.

Today, when he called, he said that in addition to telling his sponsor, that he'd now also told his house manager....of the sober living house where he lives. That was what he was afraid of doing...thinking that he may be kicked out. Well...amazingly, he wasn't, but was put back onto a plan for those who are in early recovery from where he'd been for the past 5 months...rightfully so. He was moved out of the single room that he'd advanced to...to a triple room, and is now not allowed to go anywhere without another house member with him, other than to work. He also has to hand over his paychecks to the house manager, who will dole out his money $20 at a time. (GOOD ) Of course, of course..this could be bullshit...but my gut feeling is that it's true...and we can easily call his house manager to verify. He's given us his number before, and I think we will call him to do that tomorrow or the next day.

All I can say is that I do know D wants recovery...as tough as it is for him to achieve and continue it. Time will tell, but this kid really has gotten some big breaks. I've got to think that our prayers have been heard and that there's a chance for him to get back on the right track and keep following it. That's what I'll keep praying for.....for D and for your addicted children too.

and also...he's on a payment plan...to pay me back every dollar that he took from me. Time will tell on that too....if he doesn't , I certainly won't continue to help him financially.

Back in the Saddle Again............

2011-05-26T21:06:00.004-04:00

It's too lengthy to explain how I have started to post at least 3 or more times prior to this,...but yet again, procrastinated,...and stopped. There's been so much to say, to explain....to start from the beginning....just too much. Ironically, the last time I posted....way too long ago,...I was talking about D's deceit when he was last here regarding where he went and with whom. Ironically, I found out more about that too,...(from him) and that wasn't as negative as I'd first thought, although he did go somewhere where it wasn't the best place to be, briefly. But, he was really into his recovery at that point, and being here made him uncomfortable and at times, sad. He started to feel extremely squirrely and called me at work (remember me talking about that?) ....and had someone (an old friend, not an addict) pick him up. But I digress....

Since then, (that was around April 12th ).....so much has been happening,...I have to resort to bullets:

* continued to do well....we saw him in FLA. during spring break (for me from work) ,spent time together...it was great.

* said he was having trouble sleeping....a lot....found out that he'd stopped taking his medicine,...not at all purposely,....but by forgetting, and no one at the sober living house reminds him(not saying it's their responsibility) but with the ADHD , easy to forget,...I thought....oh no

** became depressed....continued to have trouble sleeping....I KNOW, a direct result of suddenly going off the meds. : (

**(didn't find this out 'til later, of course), but....another roommate..more than one, was smoking spice/ K-2, and D knew it....saw it,....had been pissed off about it before....but then, did it with one of them : ( I don't think this would have happened if he wasn't depressed....but , nevertheless,...it happened.

** continued to smoke spice....much more than one time,....didn't sound right on the phone,...I really thought something was up. Sounded like he was lying around, not motivated....you know the drill,...but was continuing to work and go to meetings ,...but didn't sound like he was going to as many meetings as before.....normally daily

** on the phone...before coming up here for court (today),...said he had to tell us something...that he'd relapsed on spice,...but got back to working on his recovery(had been taking his meds. again by the way),..I swear, as simple as me setting an alarm on his phone while in FLA. with him...I know,..not my job,.but it did work

** another bad phone call shortly before coming up here this past weekend...he'd lost his job....from being late 3 times....due to having been using spice, not getting enough sleep, not getting up on time,..ugh

**called one night, trying to get us to put $40 into his account that night...needed $ for food on the weekend, but needed that within the hour....hmm, my antennas are up

** right before arriving here this past weekend....got his job back !,...surprise,..due to having gone back to see the manager when he picked up his paycheck and apologizing etc.,....score one for the right side

** arrives here this past Sun. for court today,....not right away, but during the time since Sunday, finally admits that the relapse was more than he's been letting on...ugh. It went from spice to a full blown cocaine run....in one week, went through his 2 paychecks of about $500...and oh yeah...he never had been fired from the job,..but had just stopped showing up, thus had "lost the job" that way, but he actually did get it back

**Sun. afternoon,....really wants to get his favorite Chinese food...which is right down the street from us(prior to us knowing about the cocaine,and thinking the spice was short lived),...I give him $15 and my husband lets him DRIVE HIS CAR too...just down the street....he does now have his license back now.

** Sun. night...hubby actually lets him again (mind you,before the big confession) take his car to an NA meeting,..then was going to stop at a friend's house(a girl) but NOT be home late. It's a "school/work night"...I wake up at 1:15...D's still not home,...I call him..he comes home...ugh,...not good

** Mon.,..we go to work.... I come home after running errands,...already had his dad loan him the car again, for a "6 p.m. meeting",....I hadn't even told my hubby about the 1:30 a.m. arrival home the night before. I go online....do not find any 6 p.m. meeting...tell him to get home....stop his bullshit,...via text. He gets home by 8:30

** We have words,..the 3 of us (just like old times...back in the saddle again)...my husband gets pissed and goes to bed at 8:50. D stays home the rest of the night...or so I think.

** 2 a.m.,..phone rings...oh God,...you know how your heart beats when that happens?

(showing my age....but I have to quickly fumble to put the glasses on to see the caller ID)....dreading that it's the police, but no(thank GOD), it's not...but my neighbor's name. I answer,...she says....sorry, but her husband(he works night shift)...just saw D leaving the neighborhood in your car, the Corvette(hubby's 30th anniversary gift to me last year)....I'm thinking you might not know that? Mind you...this neighbor and I have been through it together....she was the one who had to call me years ago when D was dealing pot out his 2nd story bedroom window, by dropping the baggies down and she had to call and tell me.....can you spell humiliation?...whatever...way past that ....big time

** I call D....amazingly,..he does come right back....this is improvement.....he didn't do his old "worst times" response of "I don't give an F" or some such reply. And for those of you experienced veteran parents of addicts who're thinking...Holy Hell...where was your purse and keys ? My purse was in my bedroom, right next to my bed on the floor where my husband & I slept...but that little f'er tiptoed in and had the b--ls to take it right from there, with both of us right there...and mind you, have the garage door open, which is noisy, albeit at the opposite end of the house though. That damn cpap machine of my hubby's does block some noise with the whooshing and all. Guess we both sleep soundly these days. I must have become slouchy since my old 2 a.m. night watchman days when D was in high school and trying to get past me to sneak out of the house.

** Oh wow....we are amazed at how fast we've gone back to the old hell ....zero to 60,..as quick as the Corvette. : (

** Tuesday,...we go to work....D is here....what else can we do ? We are both taking off work for court the next day. We come home...he's in his old room,(WHY?) where he used to use......which we've been storing things in....we had the guest room ready for him...all nice. It's like a metaphor..he's all wrapped up in a blanket,...sleeping although it's only late afternoon. : ( He rallies briefly to eat something with us and his brother...not much. He looks shitty. His dad had already checked to make sure his court clothes were clean and ready...on the hanger,..but that's before he even got here.

** Today...we go to court....another continuance...amazingly, which is really a good thing for D....because the prosecution hasn't been able to locate their one witness(in 7 mo.s...how long do they get?) He might even have a shot at not being convicted if they don't find her...or have it reduced to a misdemeanor vs. a felony, if they do...must come back on June 7th (our anniversary...how nice)

** As we leave the courthouse...just on the steps !...it's like he suddenly goes "into the darkness" again. Not trying to be melodramatic..., but that's what it feels like and I swear...he even looks like to me, during those times. He totally flipped, and said that he didn't want to go back to FLA. 'til court...he was staying here. What?? And so it began...it was awful...continued on to at home,..which my husband, S, went back to, even though he was planning to continue on to work from court. But, being that D was being unreasonable...etc., he came back home with us. And then it began in earnest...D was saying, "I don't give a shit",..all of the old sayings...ugh. We quickly let him know that if he didn't go back on his flight that night(last night),...he wasn't living here with us....he had to get out. Anyway,.....then we got him to take his medicine (remember how I say how the Abilify is like a miracle for him?) About 20 min.s later...he comes downstairs....totally turned around,...apologizes, etc.,...saying he'll go back...doesn't want to hurt us,...and that he's SO sick of all of this. Well,...yeah, us too.

I drive him to the airport....reach into my purse, and see that he stole all but about $4 out of it !! And even worse...which is very rare....I had about $200 in it, and I knew it was in the the night before when I took it to our bedroom again, but this time, hid it within our bedroom.....obviously he came into our room AGAIN (what are we, in a coma??) and FOUND IT where I'd hidden it ! : ( I was so pissed....I saw this right when he was about to get out of the car, when I was about to hug him good-bye...just told him, "just get out, get out now"....I was just so sickened and pissed. He welled up with tears and said, "Mom...that's why I am a piece of shit. I can't believe what I've done and how I'm right back where I started....again." Then he said..."You wait Mom,...you'll see, I'm going to come back a CHANGED person. " And off he went...back to FLA.

I have once again been through the old feelings of anger, sadness, despair, pain...you name it....all the same. But thank God he got on that plane....and I'm not talking about D,...I'm talking about S and me....we need to not have him living here....and deserve the peacefulness of that.

damn deceit

2011-05-02T22:28:00.000-04:00

well,....go figure,....things aren't just as they seem, totally. D does continue to maintain his sobriety,...at least as far as we know, anyway. But,...yesterday, my husband, S, was at the grocery store, and just so happened to run into another couple, who are the parents of a long using friend of D's. We know this couple well, and have even been to court with them(on the same side, not against them)...but that's another long story. They're still struggling with their son, and their house was a place that D used to go to a lot,...and it wasn't good. Over that house, much as the mom & step dad "tried" to make it not so, things weren't as restrictive as needed to be,...and many kids would be in and out of there,....often doing what they shouldn't do. : (   S stopped and talked with them and they talked of how happy they are that D is doing so well now,...and how their son isn't where D is. They said that they'd "seen D when he came over the last time (recently) he was back home".   S thought.....oh shit.   They were referring to the recent trip that D made back here for court on April 12th, which ended up continued.....to late May.

While he was here, I can remember how I was driving in the car with him, and he got a text and mentioned how it was from that friend ,...the son of the couple in the grocery store. I was alarmed right away...and he said ,.."I'm not even answering him...he must have heard that I was in town, but he's never even been in contact with me all these months....I certainly want nothing to do with him."    Ugh....now we learn....not so much,...of the truth that is.

The thing is.....holy hell.....here's the kid that is all about living so far away because he KNOWS he can't handle being around here,....too many triggers, he says he's uncomfortable being here,....and he walks back into the lion's den ???? Being over that house...even if things are more controlled now while there, ...he would still be with at least one or probably many more, drug users !!

   We have gone through SO MUCH...never mind the past almost 5 yr.s of PAIN, but just recently....flying him back and forth for court,,...us going down there to spend time with him (VERY expensive), which we chose to do,...but feeling that he's all into his recovery, and by all other accounts does seem to be. He's working, but we're still paying his sober living rent, and supporting him in so many ways....don't forget the car repairs, ugh.   And really, it ISN'T about money,....but our support has been steadfast while he's been working on his recovery, whether emotionally, time wise, or whatever way was needed.

BUT , I just can't handle his deceit / bullshit anymore. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. It's something that is indicative of where he is overall. I really do believe he's clean,...but it still calls so much into question about things he's telling us.

   Isn't it something,....when they do these things....that we're the ones that feel stupid ? At the moment, I'm fed up.

Irony

2011-04-28T23:40:00.000-04:00

Just wondering who's experienced this........nothing new, as D has been this way his whole life, ,...but even though your addict has been lying to you and /or manipulating (or at least trying to) you for a long time now.........does he/she (the addict you love), not necessarily trust you ??   Meaning,...when you tell him/her that you'll do something for your addict , do they keep reminding you or asking you about it..dare I say, nag ? Basically, through his/her actions and words....is it obvious that they're not going to be SURE that you'll follow through on what you'd said you'd do ?    It's just so incredibly backward...for WE are the ones that they've been always able to count on....to do what we'd said we'd do,....show up when we said we would,...etc. etc..

At first....I was thinking that it's because the addict is himself/herself, so not trustworthy...for so long...usually years. But, at least with my son.....he's always been like this (and I mean ALWAYS) ,...way before he ever touched any kind of "substance" to alter his state of mind.    It appears (for my son, anyway) to be a function of what's always been his inherent anxiety.....and that's the common factor that I keep reading and hearing about with others that have become addicts. : (

   Our son showed anxiety from the age of 2 .....this is all so physical and biological. : (

What are your thoughts ??

It's All Relative

2011-04-25T22:02:00.000-04:00

I had a thought at Easter dinner yesterday, and it's helped me put things into perspective, as I really needed to do. We were at my brother's house, and it was unusual in that it was just my husband and me for this holiday dinner,without even one of our "kids". Our daughter lives far away in Australia, D is in Fla., and our son who lives close by was to DJ a charity event later in the day that prevented him from making the 2 hr. trip with us down to my brother's house.

All during our kids' growing up years, and even before we had the kids, we've spent holidays with extended family members, as much as we could, depending on where we've lived, as we moved around with the military. Most of our holidays have been with the brother and his family that we were with yesterday. In fact, due to various factors, it's been much longer than usual since we've spent a holiday with my brother and his wife.    What came back to me was the last holiday dinner we had with them, Christmas day, 2009,...since during this last one, we went up north to be with the other part of our extended families.    Oh boy....what a difference from yesterday compared with that last Christmas dinner in 2009.

On that day, at our house, we'd opened gifts with my husband and our 2 sons...daughter was also away then. My brother, his wife and adult son were arriving in the early afternoon. After having some breakfast...the "boys" went upstairs to their rooms for awhile. I was down in the kitchen, cooking, etc., for the dinner later on. As was often the case in those terrible days....at some point in the late morning, I realized that D had once again slithered out. : (    He used to go down the back stairs from his room and just be gone....no noise, no bye, see ya later....I would imagine many of you may relate to this. But even the "experienced me" for some naive reason, didn't think he would do so on CHRISTMAS DAY. But as we all know, addiction certainly doesn't respect a holiday, even one as special to us as Christmas.    I called him..he finally answered, acting like it was just normal behavior to do what he did....and oh yeah, he'd be back in a little while.

Well, my brother and family came in the very early afternoon,....bearing gifts,...we all sat and visited, enjoying each others' company, opening gifts, carols playing...so nice. Still, no D shows up. His gift from them remained waiting for his return. We had appetizers, sat and visited some more....still no D. Finally, after quite a long time, in mid afternoon, we all sat down at the dining room table for dinner,....this awesome beef tenderloin. Just as we sat down, who do we look out the window to see walking up the driveway ? D.    He comes in, sits down at the table....obviously high. : (    No one says anything about that, and I said something about the food or what we had that he liked. His response...."nah, I'm not gonna eat,.....I already ate at 7-11." : (        You choose to eat at 7-11 on Christmas day ?? When we have this beautiful dinner at home ? double sigh....it was just all so pathetic, and even though our family knew all about D's "issues",....it was still embarrassing. It was sickening, and just indicative of all that he was doing and how messed up he was then.

     Soooo, after my past couple of posts of worrying and being sad about where he's living, etc......yesterday totally helped me to get a grip and just be GRATEFUL !! As I said, yes, I already am grateful for him now working on his recovery and yes that's true......but even though D wasn't with us yesterday, I know that if he was at that table with us...he wouldn't have been high and would have been polite and enjoyed the great food and not have taken off when we looked the other way for a minute. The time I just spent with him showed me that.

    He's been in touch with us quite a bit in the past couple of days and he's feeling MUCH better than he was. And yeah, something as simple as the daily alarm on his phone is working to remind him to take his medicine and he IS taking it now daily without forgetting. (yes, I was the one that set the alarm, not him...but oh well, it's working !)         And today, he began his new job at the food place,....and was happy about it all.
                           Anyway.....things CAN change for the better. Here's hoping that these changes continue and can exist for all of our addicted loved ones.

struggling

2011-04-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

I texted back and forth with D last night....he'd been struggling all day. He had a strong urge to use and was uncomfortable with the whole feeling in a big way.(isn't that always the case, discomfort?) I'm telling you...this always happens when he suddenly, for many days at a time, goes off the medicine (antidepressant) he normally takes. Then for the love of God, WHY does he let it happen AGAIN ?? Ugh ! It does help him, and most importantly, even if he wasn't going to stay on it anymore, he should NOT suddenly go off it. Doing that causes this. : (         Anyway, he was in touch with his sponsor, and at one point, was considering going over the stay the night at the sponsor's house, but ended up not doing that, and was o.k.,...at least that's what he's telling me.

   It's now Sat. afternoon and I just talked with him briefly. He'd just returned from meeting a girl he knows from treatment for lunch. Apparently, she lives in Atlanta, and drove all the way from there,....a looong way, to see him. They had become good friends while in treatment together. He said that he didn't even know she was coming to see him until she was already in town and called him to get together. I asked if she knew anyone else there, in the town he lives in. He said no. I asked....well, geez, what if you were out of town for a couple of days, or had to work the entire time she is there ? Wouldn't you think she'd call and ask about that before driving all of that way ? He said, "Mom,..that's how addicts think...no prior planning. " And I thought,..yes, so true. I used to tell him(when he was doing so bad)...."You aren't thinking or planning past the end of your feet." It used to amaze me how much he couldn't/wouldn't think ahead past the hour or minute he was in....caused all kinds of problems. It was like he didn't believe that tomorrow or Monday or whatever was coming, and the thing he needed to be ready for really would happen. I'm sure you all have seen these behaviors in your addict.      And the opposite is true too. Although he's not as "together" as would be helpful for his life as far as planning ahead,...he is SO much different than before in trying to get things done on time than when he was using. He'll let us know about something that will happen 2 weeks from now, or will call and make an appt. without us bugging him to do so,....things that now seem truly amazing, given how he was before.

   Anyway,.... I've been praying for him to stay clean, to have some peace,...for him to stay on the good path until he feels better and can cope with feeling so uncomfortable, as he puts it.   And it's funny how prayers are answered in a way that we'd never imagine. He told me that his friend from out of town is not doing well at all,...ie., using. He said that "she looks like hell", ......"like a crackwhore", even though I don't agree with his choice of terms. He said that although he hates that she's doing so badly, it was good for him to see her like that. He said that it just quickly made him see how he doesn't want to go back to that....how he wants to stay away from ever going back to that.    I hope he keeps thinking of that over and over today and in the future.

Our doorbell rang and our conversation was interrupted. He said that he'll call back later...he was about to drive back to his house. I'm wondering about the girl that he knows and what will become of her. I hope he doesn't hang out with her tonight,....even though I care what happens to her too. Sigh.

nipping at his heels.......and mine too, sigh

2011-04-22T19:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I got back from FLA. last night, after a trip to see D and do some relaxing as well. Overall, it went very well and he's doing o.k,...still clean, 4 mo.s,..as you know, that's huge. He was so very happy that we came down there, it meant a lot to him. He was working part of the time, but we also had quite a bit of time together and he stayed with us at the hotel each night.    We went to the beach, to dinner, hung out at the pool a little, and once his dad left (had to get back to work), D and I even did a little shopping and went to see a movie. We saw Arthur,...go figure, the theme is addiction. Still, it was a good remake and was funny. The choice of the movie was his.   We even rented a surf board and I got to sit on the beach with my book and watch him surf....like I used to do when he was young and I used to drive him and his friends to the beach,...it was sweet to see. He laughed at the fact that he'd moved to a place with even worse waves (on the Gulf) than where we now live,...but it was "surf-able".

   The negatives,....other than the poor choice of car that I posted about before, was the feeling I got when we went to where he lives.   Maybe it was because of all of the guys that were sitting around in a quite dark house, ...blinds mostly drawn, not enough windows(?), not seeming to do anything, that just struck me. (apparently, they were watching a movie,..it was Sun. afternoon, and they were off from work...those that have jobs anyway). We saw his room and all of a sudden, I had that old feeling from way back when,...."how did it happen that D is here, in the crappy room, in this crappy house, living with all of these drug addicts?" (I swear, I thought that....and actually kind of internally laughed at myself,...obviously I don't think of "drug addicts" the way that the general population does....that we all bemoan, for their lack of understanding. It was like I had a relapse of thinking, when here he is, working on his recovery, trying so hard,...having come so far, and I just had it hit a nerve, comparing it to the contrast of what his sister and brother had been doing at this age,....with us seeing where they lived (or having helped them move into),..their college dorm rooms or apartments. It hit me..."how did this happen....why isn't D able to be in college like we'd always thought he'd be ?"   I'm not proud of thinking that, for I AM SO grateful for where he is, and do NOT take his current working on his recovery for granted at all. But at the same time, it was suddenly all I could do to not just cry , when we went to see where he's living.

   As I said above,... most of what else we did and he did was good, and we enjoyed being with him...he was easy to be with.    But then, the last couple of days I was there .....I wasn't sure about him...it was just a feeling and observations of little things about his behavior. Oh man,...it comes back SO easily,...meaning, how I can suddenly start feeling really uneasy about him and worrying etc, etc..    And then I found out that ONCE AGAIN he'd been skipping his medicine...ugh. It helps him SO much, and he's not at all against taking it...but he forgets to take it, and he can only take it once per day at a certain time because they control it where he lives and he can't administer it to himself. So, the evening before I left, we'd had plans to spend it together, go to dinner. At 5:45 p.m., he suddenly says that he needs to go to a meeting and he hopes I won't mind, (the meeting's at 7:30) and he'll be back at 9 o'clock. So, I say fine,...he knows I'll never try to dissuade him from a meeting and off he goes. Then, at 8:45, my phone rings again, and he says that he's going to now go to a
movie with his friend (a girl) and do I mind ? I'd already eaten by then, and I said it was o.k., but once I hung up, I then wondered about him taking his medicine, because our plan (originally) was for us to go back to his house to get his medicine that night after our originally planned dinner.   I texted him..."then what about you taking your medicine?" because I knew the days would march on that he didn't have it (it's an antidepressant plus Abilify) and soon he'd have a hard time. He texted right back...."it's o.k,...I went over and got it already" and I immediately knew it was bullshit.    Just knowing that....it made me feel a little sick. : (     It's not that getting the medicine was such a huge thing....like he was using or something....but that the lying is such a trigger FOR ME.   It set me off on my worrying, wondering, miserable journey of old.     I told him it sounded like bullshit but he denied that he was lying....surprise surprise.

   Anyway, sorry this is so long,...but today, he called me, now that I'm home again,....and admitted that it was indeed bullshit when he had told me that, and that he'd started to lie about several small things and had been on his way to a relapse I KNEW that....I just did. I've had way too much training in this field of D. : (   But....but,...he said that he'd started taking his medicine again and felt SO much better (the Abilify works right away, praise God) and said that he'd not gone to enough meetings recently and that's what had contributed to him starting to think and act that way. So, he's going to more, even 2 times per day right now and you could hear how relieved he was in his voice.

   Anyway, wow, not like I didn't know this, but isn't it just always nipping at our heels ? It was what appeared to be such a quick sequence of events for D, and me. I know it's early yet in his recovery, so I don't know why I wasn't thinking this way. I mean, I was, but I wasn't.   I guess I'd like to think that his current well being won't turn around that fast, but it most certainly can. Well,..I don't know if I've made enough sense here, but I hope so.   Thanks for listening.

time together...healing old wounds

2011-04-16T18:59:00.000-04:00

We're in Florida, on D's now "home turf", waiting, for him to meet us at the hotel, after his day at work. He picked us up at the airport when we flew in last night at 11:15 p.m., so proud to be the one to get us in his "new" car. Oh believe me,..there's nothing new about this car ! : (   Believe me, until not that long ago, we always had one car that wasn't so swell,...our whole marriage...my husband always drove it, wanting me in the better one with the kids. But this is definitely a rough start of a car, and I was nervous in the back seat as he drove us back to the hotel, as I was without a seat belt,..(that I couldn't find) and normally always wear. The car is white, with a silver colored hood and pink mirrors and what I felt was the dirtiest windshield I'd seen...which does not help with visibility, yikes ! I guess that's what can happen when his dad is 5 states away and his impulsive addict self goes ahead and gets a car that the mechanic with him said was a POS. Ugh.   It's not the issue that the car is unattractive..not that at all,...but that such cars always end up costing you SO much money.

    Meanwhile, though, D is SO excited that we're here...it's very obvious in everything he is doing and saying. He's got a pass from where he lives at the sober living house and is staying with us here at the hotel. He suggested the restaurant that we're about to go to,...not something he can normally afford to do. It should be nice.    We're also going to get to go to see where he lives, tomorrow or the next day, which we're very interested to see.   We're looking so forward to spending this time with him, drama free. It's very overdue and will feel sweet to all 3 of us.

   I'll write again to let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, we're in a beautiful setting here on the beach, looking at the Gulf of Mexico. First time I've ever seen it.   I'm so glad he feels so more "safe" here. That's a big blessing.

Continuing to pray for you and those affected by addiction.

Home Sweet Home ???

2011-04-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

D and I got to spend the day together yesterday, although I wasn't feeling the best, due to a bad cold/sinus infection? that got worse. In fact, I even stayed out from school/work today again....2nd day in a row, unheard of. That's the only reason I can blog now in the daytime on a "school day"...woo hoo. I have no energy at all, which is very unusual for me, so along with not feeling able to even breathe normally, I am on the sofa.

Anyway, we went out to lunch and did a few errands and came back home and listened to some music ...he was showing me some songs on youtube....just talked, hung out,...nothing exciting, but so nice to just be with him. However, it definitely wasn't all good, ...but I'm not referring to between him and me, that part was fine. While we went to a few different places near where we lived, D was affected by being in those places, to the point that you could see it visibly. In fact, when we were eating lunch at this sandwich shop, D's eyes watered a bit, and this awful look came over his face. All I can describe it as is like a darkness came over him. We didn't linger there while eating and I ate a little faster to finish to leave, as he was done already. Once back in the car, he explained to me how much he doesn't feel good around here now...especially in certain places. When I asked what he meant....he said that where we ate lunch was right next to this parking lot of another place he could see right out the window. He said it brought back so many memories of him and who he was with, snorting coke in the car in that parking lot. : (    He said that being near those places now make him feel bad.....he said it's like a sense of foreboding, like something bad's going to happen, an anxious feeling.

A short time after that, we went to the Verizon store together to do some phone changes for both of us, and while I talked to the clerk, D went outside on the sidewalk and called his sponsor. He came back in and you could see he was so much better. The whole time in the store (it took quite awhile), he was great....helpful, explaining things to me about the phone choices, etc., patient, etc.. As we left, I asked if he felt better, and he said, "yes, I never did anything bad in a Verizon store."        He has mentioned that there's a lot that we don't know....and it's better that we never know, about bad things he's done. Sigh,..I'm sure that's true.

He said that his sponsor said (when referring to our town), " That will never be your home again." wow...that hit me. I don't know if the sponsor is correct. After all, D is in very early recovery, (will be 4 mo.s next week) and as those of us who are older know, life changes a lot as time goes on. Meaning, D may not still feel what he feels now about being around here, when he's older , many years from now. At least, I sure hope not.    I am not a mom who thinks all of her kids need to grow up and only live a couple of miles away. After all, our daughter is currently living in Australia...and ya can't get any farther than that from us. And we're fine with that....they become adults and live their own lives. But, I sure do hope that at some point, coming back "home" isn't a feeling of darkness for D. He has told me how much it bothers him that he can't even live near his own family. It just got to me last night and made me cry, but I'm instead going to focus on the fact that he's working so hard on his recovery and sees TRUTH now, instead of irrational reasoning. I AM so grateful for that.

Looking forward to our trip to FLA. this weekend to go visit D in his new home.

not yet.....continued.....

2011-04-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

Today has been one hell of a day...for multiple reasons. I won't go into them all, which you'll be glad I don't.    Anyway, while I was at work today, while teaching, D called me,....asked when I'd be home later on in the day,....saying he was "bored".   Well that annoyed me...since he shouldn't call while I'm teaching anyway,...he could have texted me, and geez...not what you are into hearing while you're the one working. My husband was also at work...D home at our house alone.     I had hung up quickly and kind of cut him off, due to the situation, with me being in the classroom,....and didn't look at my phone again until lunchtime, when a text from him said, "You didn't let me finish,...I was saying that I was bored and feel like I want to get high".   UGH !! That cut right through me and whoa...I was off and running with the 'ole emotions,...feeling nervous, the whole drill,...almost a little panicked, and only had 12 min.s left 'til I had to pick the kids up from lunch. (mind you, lunch is brief all the time)     I texted him back and told him to call his sponsor.....geez,...why the hell didn't he call him immediately ? I don't know what else I even said,...and I swear, I can't remember if I only texted him or also spoke with him. I know that I felt pretty hyped up.

    Anyway.....a good friend of his,...a girl who used to be our neighbor, came and picked him up....a friend who it's not bad to be with. So, he hung out with her for awhile, then another girl he knew and my husband came home from work and took him to a meeting. Later, they came back and D told me how hard it was today. He said that he hasn't been feeling that urge for a long time, but being here, home alone, where he used to use (double ugh), while we were gone to work.....it was just too much like it was before...and he really felt like it.
     Bottom line, as far as I could tell,...he DIDN'T do it, but it goes to show how "triggery" being around certain people, places and things can be for an addict. : (    It also goes to show why D can't live here. I know there's no such thing as a "geographic cure", but these days, different geography helps D stay in recovery.

Then....about 3 p.m. my husband got a call that D's case had been continued 'til May 25th ! So, we flew him up here for court tomorrow for nothing,....well, not for nothing, ..we did get to see him. And now we know that we will also be leaving on Fri. night to go down to Fla. to visit too.   Unfortunately, we've only been able to get an answer to our questions via e-mail thus far. His attorney's paralegal said that they'd "just received" the discovery from the prosecution,...so it's being continued.   I have no idea as to what that actually is,...and thought that they'd received that before,...which was the arresting officer's statement. Of course, my mind reels and wonders if now they have cell phone text records or something like that.   Yes, yes...I know it's all out of my control. It's being sent to D, so we should soon know, or we can get more info. tomorrow,....I guess.

Right now, D is out with a friend at a movie....at least that's what he said, and I hope it's true. He did hang out with us this evening....and went to a 10 p.m. movie. He flies back out tomorrow night. And then, we'll be down there to see him and where he lives, etc. by the weekend, and spend some time with him.
   So, for the moment, I'm planning to spend some time with him tomorrow, which will really be nice. I took off the day from work anyway, since it had already been planned. I could use it.

   to be continued......

on a jet plane

2011-04-10T15:51:00.000-04:00

D is at this moment on a plane to come here. (even after his flight was cancelled at 10 p.m. last night and having to deal with what must be the most obnoxious reservation agent ever for US Air) We're anxious to see him, ....and I'm making one of his favorite dinners...his brother's coming over to eat with us, etc..   He's asked that we drive him to a meeting tonight (yay),...one that he used to go to on and off, based upon his efforts or not at recovery. I know he'll enjoy going in there clean, with the progress he's made,...but most of all, I know he feels like it'll help him handle what's coming in court on Tuesday.

I've been handling the thoughts of court and what could happen pretty well (I think), up until yesterday morning. Since then, I have begun getting anxious again, despite my effort to change my thinking around....and have faith that things will go well, even if court doesn't turn out like I hope it will. Even if he's convicted, that I can have faith in the bigger picture and D's future still going well,...that he can keep working on his recovery, etc.. I'm trying to hard to find acceptance of whatever will happen, and not fight it in my mind, if you know what I mean.

Then...this morning, as has happened another time recently....I had something happen that was another "God moment" as D and I call them. It's been happening to me more and more lately.....when I start to let fear take over, ...I get a bit of a kick in the pants to stop fearing and keep the faith and have peace....that God is handling D and hears all of our prayers....and that at some point (maybe not right now)...it will be o.k..   I'm not going into the specifics right now, but will do so at some future post when I want to share it.   Things will happen that are just way more than a "coincidence",...and I feel a nudge to let the fear go and have faith.

So, for now,...I'm feeling more peaceful. I can't wait to get the whole court thing over with on Tues. morning.....and God willing,...be on a plane to Florida with my husband next Fri. night to go down and visit D during my spring break from school/work.   We bought those plane tickets "as if" D will be there to visit. I'm praying to be able to use them.

   Praying also for you and yours who suffer from addiction.....

got it !

2011-04-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

D had the interview this morning, 8:30 a.m.....and he got the new job ! So, he told me this afternoon that he's giving 2 wk.s notice to his current job, and within that time period, will begin his orientation at the new job. Another startle to me......he remembers what we taught him about giving 2 wk.s notice before leaving a job,......despite the obvious fact that they were the ones that suggested he needed a new job. Anyway,....it's all good, at least, for now. : )

oh boy.....on the cusp of doing better....let's get court over with. I have no idea of what will happen. My dream is that the police officer that talked to him on the PHONE (only evidence they have on D) won't show up at court....I know, ...a fantasy. He flies in here this Sunday....am anxious to see him....we miss him....this good, real version of our son...our real son.

getting closer

2011-04-06T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well...D comes back here again this coming Sunday....flying up here to go to court on Tues. morning. Despite the seriousness of the charges...D is not really worried about it. (?) I asked him why and he said..."All I can say is that God made me feel like I shouldn't worry about it." Well..that works for me...I'll just keep trying to have that anxiety stay on the shelf , at least 'til next Tues. morning as we enter that (damn) courthouse...again. : ( He IS continuing to do so well....can I hear a hallelujah ? Yes...I know...it could change, but I'll take it.

D is continuing to work on the steps...and talks to his sponsor every day (God bless that guy) and reacts to the daily ups and downs of life in a way that I really haven't barely ever seen him do...well,..to qualify that, not this consistently. And, also with a maturity that I surely haven't seen before. He even went through a most terrible experience the other night (via phone) with a suicidal friend (from back here) that called him to say good-bye....and weathered that with amazing coping skills. (That friend is alive...but I'd not say well, at this point).

Meanwhile....he still has his job at Pep Boys, but was just told...not for much longer. Apparently, although D has "been great at customer service and works very hard"....his knowledge on car parts is not up to where it needs to be. As D told me,...I love cars...but not all the parts out of the cars. He hasn't grown up working on cars or knowing all of that, and apparently, that shows and it's an issue. Fortunately, his boss told him that he'd give him an awesome recommendation and can even keep his job until he finds a new one. And....what do you know...his phone rang this morning with an offer for an interview tomorrow morning ......at a fast food place. He'd applied at the place quite awhile ago before his current job. He texted me at school/work, quite excited about this, saying...."hey, I know fast food". : ) So....as much as I'd love him not to be in a restaurant or fast food place (lots of people who use work in restaurants....I know, I worked in them for years)......it's another job and having a job is very good for him. He plans to just be upfront with them in the interview...as he knows they'll do a background check anyway.

So, less than one week before he goes to court (April 12th) on a charge of possession of cocaine, a felony. With as great as he's doing....well,...just holding my breath. We did get him a round trip ticket....power of positive thinking,......

drumming

2011-04-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

what's been lost

2011-04-03T11:36:00.000-04:00

Although D is doing very well right now,....and I really don't dwell on this much, it still is a sore spot at times when we come across reminders of things lost....material and otherwise.   I'd imagine you all can relate to how much has been lost materially, as a by product of your loved one's addiction. I could go on and on about that, but I won't.

And what is also a sore spot is what's been lost regarding opportunities for her/him, ....to do good things, share love with family and friends (how many times did they not show up?), find their chances to succeed, in whatever or however that would happen for him/her,...the list goes on.

We're in the midst of cleaning out and reorganizing around the house now that we're empty nesters after 26 yr.s of parenting since our oldest was born. In D's old room, I came across some drumsticks,...and just that gave me a pang. His beloved drums were all pawned,...and you know why. : (    Despite having already gone through so much of a hellish journey by that point, I can so remember the day I came home and saw that they were all gone,...the drums, cymbals, stands, everything. I actually felt nauseous,...for on his worst day, he'd loved those drums...it hadn't seemed like it would come to that. It did.

   I try hard to focus on the now, and look forward, especially in light of how well D's doing now,...with so much gratitude for that. He's just begun to work on step 4 in NA, and as he said to me..."I have never got that far before." He's putting forth so much effort each day and making his recovery first,..hallelujah.

Yet,...just finding a drumstick can hit my heart and I have to push myself to shake it off and get back to the now..... I wonder if I'll ever hear him drum again...I sure hope so.

those that are not us......

2011-04-01T21:04:00.000-04:00

Sadly, yesterday, a middle school teacher in my school system was arrested at work/school for being drunk in public. It's also sad to say....this is the 2nd middle school teacher in my school system that's been arrested for this in the past couple of months. (and yeah...those middle school age kids can make a person crazy )....no.....just kidding. This info. circulated through our system(which is huge) quickly, and another teacher said to me this morning..."That's so weird....why would she do that ?" This is an intelligent woman who's not naive or unaware of things that happen to people. Inside, I sighed....and said,..."well, sounds like alcoholism to me,...not based upon logic or good decision making".

This bothered me because, of course...the sad story of the teacher that this happened to,...but because of how it made me realize (once again) ...how much the "general public" doesn't really understand addiction, and how much misunderstanding always is the case. OF COURSE, this teacher did the wrong thing.....going to work under the influence of alcohol,...never mind that she most likely drove herself there, and all of the risk to others of that. I certainly am not in any way condoning the choices she made,....but I am thinking that I've been so deep into the weeds (no pun intended) of addiction for so long....that I am,at times, still surprised at the lack of understanding of addiction that the majority of our society still has.

Yet again....I know that's how it is....and I also do not make an effort to provide addiction info. to all the people that I know or interact with about my son, or any other addict. That's not my responsibility.....but at the same time........it still is at times a sore spot when I think about, or perceive how much judgment and misunderstanding there is by others about addicts...my son, or others.

What is your experience about this ?.....do you ever feel like I've described here ?

Fine Again by Seether (lyrics)

2011-03-26T11:36:00.002-04:00

keeping on keeping on with hope

2011-03-24T22:07:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking that so many of us,....besides being so damn strong....and come on, we really are....have what I'm calling a stamina for hope. Because boy oh boy,....despite a LOT of evidence and experience that is contrary to that when you love an addict.....we still do hope....at least most of us do, from what I read and know of all of you. That doesn't mean that we can "make it better",...for we know that Step 1 teaches us that we surely can't. : ( And....if we've been able to pay attention to results.....it's easy to see from all of our actions and attempts, we're not successful in "fixing" our loved one's addiction. And despite the ups and downs and back and forth of progress for an addict that we love,....and even when our addict relapses and our heart breaks.....most of us still do hope. It is good...we should hope. Never give up hope.

Thinking of all of you who suffer from addiction.....whether the addict or those who love an addict.

90 is a beautiful number

2011-03-19T13:05:00.002-04:00

D texted me early this morning, that today is his 90 days clean. Do you believe, I hadn't counted the days this time to know it was today that was 90. I did realize it was coming up, but hadn't paid attention to counting or knowing exactly when. That's actually progress for me.

"This time", I also no longer ask him if he's gone to a meeting today, or what time and day his therapy appointment is that week and text or call and remind him. I know you're thinking....well, no kidding, you shouldn't be doing that anyway....lame. But the last time he was clean for this long (longer) before relapsing, when he was closer in distance to home, I did still do that, even though he was living in an Oxford house then, and truly was trying to continue being clean. At that time, he had no transportation other than his bike, which he used a lot, and the bus, which he also rode all over. However, we were still much more involved, because often times, the bus schedules and his work schedule and therapy appt.s made it where he needed some type of ride and we did do that, a lot.

Now, D just got a car ....mind you, first of all, he does have his license back, so that all helped lead up to the car. It's an old Honda with 126,000 mi. on it, but it's in good condition and it works....hallelujah. He gets himself back and forth to work....on time (I guess...don't actually know), goes to his therapy appt., meetings, etc. and I'm not involved.....also a beautiful thing. He is giving each paycheck he gets for the next 6 weeks to help pay for his portion of the car(we helped some) and will take over his car insurance totally as of May. He even found the insurance himself and it's less than I thought it would be, given his history. (He did, at one point in 2009, total my car, without a license, nor permission to drive it, 2:30 a.m., under the influence....but I digress.)

We only have now....no guarantees of the future for his staying clean. But do we have guarantees for the future about anything,....whether bad or good ? He admits that he still can have his mind go to the wrong thoughts......but he deals with that in the right way,...at least, "for now" he is.

Today is a wonderful day and I'm grateful,....for D's progress and many, many other abundant blessings.

I continue to pray for you and those you love affected by addiction.

my dad....and D

2011-03-17T22:43:00.002-04:00

Today is the 3 yr. anniversary of my father's death. He lived a long life,..was 93 1/2 when he died....a hell of a long life. Knowing him as I did, I'm still surprised he did actually die....for he was way too stubborn to do so. He was born in 1914,...wow. Imagine all of the changes he saw in his lifetime,...so major.

He was a unique character, to say the least, ...fortunately, for the rest of us. Don't get me wrong...I loved him....still do. But he was a difficult man,....selfish, intense, persistent about what he wanted, so often a bully of sorts .....and could easily make many around him quite miserable. He did that so much for my "family of origin", especially my mother, who was the inventor of co-dependence. (see.....I really do come by it honestly). She never did improve on it at all and still, if asked....will just remember "all the good things"....amazing.

They had a very tough marriage,...and he was controlling and demanding, jealous and selfish.....and many other negative adjectives you want to throw in. I have 2 older brothers,....one 13 yr.s older, one 6 yr.s older than me....and I'm the one girl,...the "baby" of the family. There's much more to it (isn't there always?),...but I was very much my mom's favorite...."always wanted a girl". So, do the math......I therefore wasn't my dad's favorite....since I took away my mom's attention from him...who should always have her attention. He always told me he loved me...but his behavior told me otherwise,...... but, in that sense....he wasn't exactly magnanimous with others either. Yet....don't get me wrong....he'd do some things for me....and worried about me,....but in an insulting, often angry way. Anyway,..ours was always a conflicted relationship,...and I always was envious of those girls who so typically just so loved their dads.....and looked up to them, and I wondered, .....what would that feel like ?

I know this is somewhat odd of a post.....since I always write this blog about D. But....go figure......in many ways,.....sooo many ways......since a very young child...D always was reminiscent of my dad, but not in the selfish or mean ways. My dad (once a grandfather) was called Pop Pop. And we actually used to call D "Pop Pop boy"....at least my husband did.....to me privately,...not to D. It was so odd....he looked just like my dad when he was little, as photos of my dad when young looked. He had the olive skin that my dad did......(D's 2 siblings weren't that dark complected),......he had almost ALL of the idiosyncratic preferences about food that my dad liked...., he was cheap like my dad,(or should we say mega frugal)....that changed later ! ugh......used to want to buy useless inexpensive trinkets....never get rid of anything,.....didn't trust anyone easily, and was so intense and persistent about something he wanted (from about 15 mo.s old) that well....damn....there were just so many similarities.

In so many ways.....these traits emulate anxiety (which D was diagnosed with at age 8) and intensity.....a symptom of D's ADHD,....and are so often personality and/or biological predispositions of those who are or become addicts. (and mind you.....my father liked to drink too.....he's the one I first hated someone drunk from). I'm sure my dad had ADHD too....which no one at all understood then......barely do now , really.

I have to wonder what could have been for my dad if all of that was understood for him. And mind you,....how he was treated by his parents is a whole additional negative story.

And now....despite all that has gone downhill for D,....he's working on his recovery and himself and is not now continuing with the selfish, lying, angry behavior that was so characteristic of his addiction, just a short time ago. God willing....he'll continue his growth and work on himself. Last night he told me on the phone, "the good thing is that now I quickly won't accept my own bullshit".

He really isn't that "Pop Pop boy",.....he's becoming a young man that is honorable, patient, kind, and responsible. And mind you....that is who D always was before too. He always was moral and kind-hearted,.....but did have those intensities of my dad about what he liked.

I'm just proud of the work that D's doing on himself and so so grateful. And rough as I have described my dad.....I really can't do him justice,....because...there actually was a good side to him too. And I know that he's happy that D is doing better, just like we are.

Where he is now

2011-03-14T21:02:00.003-04:00

Well,...at first, it was hard to post...and then, I guess, I just kept putting it off. Court did not go well for D. : ( No, not at all. It will go forward to a trial, and is set for April 12th, possession of cocaine, if convicted, a felony. It's quite a story...maybe I'll save the details for another post. But, the bottom line is that D had a "God moment" as he describes it that day (back in Oct.) He was with a friend who was really "messed up" and D suddenly looked around him and "saw evil"(yes, D's words)...and said, "I wanted no more of drugs right then." In fact, he called me at that moment,...I told him to get out of there, away from there....."there" was a crappy motel down at the beach, ugh. How they were there that day is another side story.....and D stupidly put the room in his name. Anyway, D decided to get out of there....and his friend wouldn't leave and was in a very bad state....more than I realized from what he said on the phone. D went to the motel clerk, ...said he wanted the room not in his name anymore....but his friend wouldn't leave. D also said, "and I don't want anything to do with what's going on in there" (not the thing to say)...so the clerk called the cops.

By the time the police came, D had left. His friend was caught red-handed, with coke in the room, with him, in him, etc.. However, the cops looked at the friend's phone, saw D's number, (who had repeatedly called the friend back) and called D. During the course of the conversation with the cop, D said that he'd "done a line"(ugh).......and although he was never seen by the police nor found with anything on him nor in him,....that's the evidence that they're going with, which could be a lifelong felony.

D is back in Florida,....left the same day as the hearing, when he learned that it will go to a trial. (His idea to immediately return that day, plus he had to get back to work). He initiated leaving here where we live to go to FLA. to a treatment center....insurance actually paid (woo hoo) ...only for 3 wks. , but still....that was good. (no detox needed, so only 3 wks. vs 4). He went to the rehab. for 3 wks. and since then (from early Jan.),he went to a sober living home.

In fact, he went to a 2nd sober living home since people were getting high in the first one. I apologize....for I know I'm repeating myself for some prior blog posts.

So,...meanwhile....oh boy....how do I really say it all here ? Since then....D has got a job, thrived in the 2nd sober living home.....goes to meetings every day.....at times, more than 1 per day, has a sponsor , and is working the steps....really doing all of the work on them. (his sponsor is quite great from what I can tell). He even now has a girlfriend (also in recovery....so not so sure on how that will all go),...and recently , got his license, and a CAR ! (yes, we helped some, but not all the way, with the car,....as he now has paychecks that helped contribute to that.)

D is all of the things that we'd hoped he would start to behave as..... considerate, patient, motivated, responsible (that one is truly hard to get used to !),.....he plans ahead (go figure, he CAN do that !), gets up early (? !), ...hard working, etc. etc.

Anyway.....he's doing VERY well....and now April 12th remains as a challenge that looms over him/....and I admit, me.....well, us.

That's what is happening here.....and there , in Florida. And ya know what? I really miss him. Damn, if we didn't get the horribly behaving, lying, stealing, addict these past 4 plus years. And now that he's so together and what I know is the "real D",...he's not even where we can see him,....at least not very often.

But....if being there is what saves his life and helps him maintain his recovery, then that's o.k. and so be it.

Hanging on in the meantime and finally am able to take a sigh of relief....at least for now. I realize there IS NO guarantee.

scared/ sad....

2011-02-24T23:18:00.002-05:00

oh damn,...we went to see the lawyer today,...finally, about the hearing tomorrow. The lawyer thinks it's extremely likely that this will go further to a trial,...and it's so serious, and to think a jury will decide this...... D is doing SO well now,....ah....it's just so hard to not know what will happen and why now ?. I know, ...the past follows him. I'm just sick thinking about it all,...and I feel like my heart hurts. This is all so tough.

He's Home !

2011-02-23T20:58:00.002-05:00

D came in on the plane today...I picked him up at the airport , late afternoon, after work. His friend was going to originally pick him up at 1:30 p.m., but the plane was delayed for 2 1/2 hr.s, so I told him I'd get him after I left school/work. He was already out on the sidewalk as I pulled up in the car. I got out of the car and he ran up to me and hugged me, and started to cry. With that, I cried too and we just kept hugging. I kept thinking of how he was when we left him there to fly out over 2 mo.s ago.,.....wow, he sure looks and is acting different, in a good way. He remarked on how he didn't think he'd do that (cry),...and I didn't expect that myself either. But just seeing him look so happy and being able to hug him and know all that he's done to work on change in the past months was moving.

We came home and he was happy when the dog went pretty wild upon seeing him..,it was sweet. It's also something how the simplest thing is something you appreciate and is so indicative of how awful it was before. We ate and then were sitting in our family room together....just talking about different things,...him telling his dad about his job, we were watching part of the news together on t.v.. He asked to use and did use his father's laptop and was playing a song for me to listen to,....just hung out on the sofa with us,....talked to his brother. He even went into his room and got some jeans that he'd left here and was trying them on to see if they fit....was asking my opinion,...just normal stuff that a 19 yr. old son might do, ...if he's not only either not home or in his room without coming out,....which is how he was before.

And now.....a good friend ( a girl who loves him and doesn't drink or do any drugs at all) came and picked him up and off they went for awhile....to meet up with another friend of hers at his house, where D may even play his drums. Unfortunately, D pawned his within the last couple of months before he left. : ( D is a pretty good drummer and seeing those drums gone one day when I came home was a thing I'll never forget.....it was like a punch in the stomach. He loved those drums, cymbals, etc.,....and they were good ones that he'd saved for.

So, that's what's happening tonight. It's hard not to be anxious .....it really is. But I'm going to offer up a prayer and that will be it. There's nothing else I can do anyway.

My husband is taking off tomorrow and will take D to the DMV to take the test ,etc. and try to get his license back.....he has the go ahead to do so. He hasn't had a license since Sept. 2008 ! Then we'll all meet with his lawyer at 3 p.m. and it's on to court on Fri. morning. IF all goes well,.... D will fly right back to Florida on Fri. evening. It's one hell of a week around here. I just pray that D can continue on the very good path he's on right now.

Coming Home

2011-02-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

...and so we begin the week again....but this one will be different, for D is coming home on Wed. afternoon. He flies in then, and will be picked up by a friend from home here,..a girl that isn't "bad" for him to be with,..a good friend that cares about his well being. His dad and I will both be at work, which bothers me, because, of course, I'd rather I got to pick him up myself...or my husband.

His dad will take Thurs. off from work to bring him to the DMV and get his license(hopefully),...since he hasn't had one since Sept. of 2008, when the judge first took it away. After that, they'll just spend the day together and on Friday,...we'll all go to court for the preliminary hearing. Of course, we all hope that goes well and if so, he'll fly back out of here that very same afternoon. We bought a round trip ticket....thinking positively.

but....I must admit,...I'm nervous,....about him being here at all, and of course, what will happen in court. I know,...welcome back to anxiety-ville,..ugh. I'm trying to be peaceful and accepting and knowing that none of this is anything I can do anything about.

1 year ago tonight

2011-02-18T22:46:00.004-05:00

One year ago tonight....the doorbell rang, early evening, just as we were sitting down with Chinese food, to watch the winter Olympics. The snowboarders were that night...and our son and his friend were going to watch it with us,...they just quickly ran to the store for cigarettes before it was coming on. (I'd thought....wow, won't this be, nice,...that he's doing something with us ?)

I started toward the door, and through the sidelight windows by the front door, I saw all of those navy blue clothed legs...... 4 cops on our front porch. I called out to my husband..."Oh no, ..there are cops on the porch",..and he walked toward the door ahead of me. As he was about to the door....I said..."Don't let them in,...go out onto the porch"...he did, ..and so did I. That ended up to be a good thing,..because if they do get in, they then "control the premises". They told us they were here to search our home,...that D had given them permission and "it was his room". They also told us that they had D in handcuffs down at the end of the street, around the bend of the street where we couldn't see from the porch. He'd been stopped, ...run from them,...had been caught with a "substance" and digital scale in his pocket (sigh) and also had had an open container with alcohol in it. Well,...we didn't go along with what the officers said was their right to do (NOT), and didn't allow them to come in. By the way....D has never made a mortgage payment....not "his house". We left them on the porch and made a phone call to find out some info. about their right to come....no, just like we thought,..not their right. We walked back to the front porch and what do you know...they were gone. We went back and sat down on the sofa,...like the wind was knocked out of us. We never even walked down to the end of the street to see what was happening with D in the handcuffs, etc.. We were officially over it. He called from jail later on that night, collect, of course.

It is now exactly one year later from that night. Tonight,...it's a whole different story. Our D is very committed to his recovery and working and planning to begin college this fall. However, there were 2 more rehabs between that night and this night....more jail, dealers, and court and clean time, then using, relapse and arrest again. And.....a lot of emotional pain and despair and prayer. But,...I still feel/know...that a lot has happened in this past year and he's in a much better place mentally than he was one year ago tonight, and so am I. I continue to be grateful for the progress that's happened this past year.....and pray that he continues to be in recovery......

60 days

2011-02-16T22:44:00.004-05:00

D went to his meeting tonight to get his 60 day chip,...with a lot of happiness about doing so. He's done more than 60 meetings in those 60 days.....a lot more than 60, and that's all the difference in his thinking and staying clean, along with being ready and having his sponsor, who's been such a Godsend. Even though it's for court and we all have our big apprehensions about that day, we're looking forward to seeing him on Feb. 23rd, when he comes back here for the preliminary hearing on the 25th.

A lot has happened in the past 60 days, and for once, it's mostly all good. He was at work today (yes, the new job, yaay) and came outside and found his bike stolen, so that wasn't good. The lock was cut. : ( He should get his first paycheck very soon, so that will go toward a new bike, and now he'll bring any bike he gets into the store and put it into the back room. I was thinking....why didn't he do that in the first place, but kept my mouth shut on that one. In the meantime, he'll (hopefully) get rides for work from people in the house where he lives. But the bottom line today, for now, is that 60 days clean is a very good thing, and a good start to his future. I continue to have hope that his recovery will also continue. Praying for all of our addicts.

just one phone call......

2011-02-12T22:48:00.004-05:00

oh man,...especially after what I last posted about triggers and the addict brain....must my son provide an example of it just days later? Sigh. I knew that something wasn't right with him the past couple of days. He sounded different on the phone and his daily call to say hi had changed....I just could tell,....you know. Anyway, today he called and told me he was doing well now,...but he hadn't been for the past couple of days. Apparently, he got a phone call, and since he'd deleted all of those old "contacts/bad numbers",...he didn't know who it was calling, and answered. Obviously, he did know it was someone from our area code at home, but that didn't necessarily mean it was someone not good,...for amazingly, he does know many many people from our area here that weren't into what he was. He always was "the worst one"of his close former friends,(although he knew others that were more like him too)..but I digress.

The caller was someone he used to do "transactions" with, asking if he wanted in on one now. It was the chance to make quite a bit of $ (sigh again) and with that....he said that "his mind took off"....and was planning to have "something he could use" mailed to where he is now (!),....planning how many days it will be before he comes back here for court and how he could pass a test then etc etc.. But then, he STOPPED and THOUGHT...and realized that he'd be ordering up "all kinds of pain and disaster"(his words), and called his sponsor and told him and for the past 2 days...he'd been working on it with the sponsor. Not only that, he said that he'd called up the phone co. of his cell phone, which is one of those monthly pay as you go kind, and blocked any incoming phone calls but from those numbers on his contact list....good plan. I believe he's telling me the truth, because he certainly never had to tell me any of this anyway...I wouldn't have known. I thank God (literally) that he made the choice he did to deal with this,...but of course, it still made my heart heavy, as much as I'm also thankful. And all it took was one phone call..........

Environmental triggers and the addict brain

2011-02-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

Here's an article from the NY Times, written last year....that provides some logical explanation for what often seems to be illogical behavior.

Lasting Pleasures, Robbed by Drug Abuse

Scott Menchin

By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.

Published: August 30, 2010

Of all the things that people do, few are as puzzling to psychiatrists as compulsive drug use.

More Mind Columns

Sure, all drugs of abuse feel good — at least initially. But for most people, the euphoria doesn’t last. A patient of mine is all too typical.

“I know this will sound strange,” he said, as I recall, “but cocaine doesn’t get me high any more and still I can’t stop.”

When he first started using the drug, in his early 30s, my patient would go for days on a binge, hardly eating or drinking. The high was better than anything, even sex.

Within several months, though, he had lost the euphoria — followed by his job. Only when his wife threatened to leave him did he finally seek treatment.

When I met him, he told me that he would lose everything if he could not stop using cocaine. Well, I asked, what did he like about this drug, if it cost him so much and no longer made him feel good? He stared at me blankly. He had no clue.

Neither did most psychiatrists, until recently.

We understand the initial allure of recreational drugs pretty well. Whether it is cocaine, alcohol, opiates, you name it, drugs rapidly activate the brain’s reward system — a primitive neural circuit buried beneath the cortex — and release dopamine. This neurotransmitter, which is central to pleasure and desire, sends a message to the brain: This is an important experience that is worth remembering.

We would not have gotten very far as a species without this brain system to motivate us to seek out rewards like food and a nice mate. The trouble is that while such natural reinforcers activate the reward system, mind-altering drugs do it much more powerfully, causing a far greater dopamine release.

In other words, drugs have a competitive advantage over these natural rewards and can hijack the brain’s reward system.

Even so, the acute pleasure fades when the neurons in the reward circuit get used to all that dopamine. Eventually, as with my patient, even higher and higher doses cease to feel good as users try in vain to recapture the initial high.

So what explains compulsive drug use, especially when it brings the user to the brink of personal ruin?

I got a clue from my patient’s recent relapse. After nearly six months of abstinence, he found himself inexplicably craving cocaine on the way home from work.

It happened that he had run into an old friend just outside his office with whom he had used drugs years earlier. Although he did not consciously associate the friend and the drugs, his brain had not forgotten, and the meeting touched off the urge to use again.

In short, recreational drugs like cocaine don’t just usurp the brain’s reward circuit; they have powerful effects on learning and memory.

Many brain imaging studies, using positron emission tomography, show that cues like viewing drug paraphernalia are enough by themselves to activate memory circuits and unleash drug craving. Where you are and what you are doing when you use a drug like cocaine is inextricably linked with the high. And these associations are stored not just in your conscious memory, but also in memory circuits outside your awareness.

This kind of pathologic learning lies at the heart of compulsive drug use. Long after someone has apparently kicked the habit, long after withdrawal symptoms subside, the individual is vulnerable to these deeply encoded unconscious associations that can set off a craving, seemingly out of the blue.

I could not rewire my patient’s brain. But at least I could try to help him reconfigure his environment by avoiding cues that might provoke cocaine craving. I had him make an inventory of all the people and places he associated with his drug use — and then had him steer clear of as many as he could. Lucky for him that he never used drugs at home.

His problems did not end there, however. Although he has been cocaine-free for nearly two years, he feels life is lackluster and little excites him. And that experience is consistent with recent evidence that the effects of drugs like cocaine can endure long after use has ended.

Dr. Nora D. Volkow, a psychiatrist who is director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, has shown using PET scans that methamphetamine-dependent subjects have about 25 percent fewer dopamine transporters in critical brain regions compared with normal volunteers. Since the transporters ferry dopamine in and out of neurons, this decrease means less dopamine release and a less responsive reward circuit.

Alarmingly, this reduction in dopamine transporters was present in subjects who had not used methamphetamine for at least 11 months, suggesting that the effect was long-lasting — perhaps even permanent.

Though my patient had not used methamphetamine, cocaine has similar effects in the brain. With years of abuse, he could have lost enough dopamine transporters that his own reward circuit would become dulled to everyday pleasures. After all, to most brains a fine dinner with friends or a beautiful sunset is no match for the euphoria of cocaine.

We do not yet know whether the loss of dopamine transporters is permanent or eventually reversible. But why take the chance and endure a dulled life? The plain truth is that drug-induced pleasure is a cruel illusion: it never lasts.

Dr. Richard A. Friedman is a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College.

A version of this article appeared in print on August 31, 2010, on page D6 of the New York edition.

good day

2011-02-07T21:28:00.003-05:00

D called today and he DID pass the drug screen and DID begin work today,...he was so happy to get going on it ! I know this will be so good for him, and in a lot more ways than in making money. For him to have a purpose and feel productive and be earning money of his own to pay for some of his expenses will be great for him, just in how he feels about himself.

Speaking of how D feels about himself.....he went through EMDR today with his therapist,...just began to be treated with this. I don't know how many of you know of it or have been involved with it. It's a newer treatment tool that frankly, sounds odd, but is supposed to be quite effective in treating negative emotions and feelings that are persistent, ...even used to treat PTSD. He said that surprisingly, he did feel really good after going through the treatment. He was asked to think about negative feelings of self esteem,...imagining a situation where he felt badly about himself (how common would that be for addicts?...quite)....and even had to voice aloud what he was feeling about himself. At the same time, he was treated with the EMDR ,....google it to see what it's about. As I said, it sounds quite odd,...even a bit unbelievable,....but is supposed to be quite healing and effective. I hope that it is. Today, I am grateful for his progress.....and for taking steps forward , working on my own.

what can you shake off ?

2011-02-04T20:45:00.004-05:00

I had a phone conversation with D yesterday.......that didn't go well. This has happened before, since he's begun his recovery(this time), even though this time he seems more committed to it (multiple times more) than he's ever been, and is doing all of the every day work to make it happen and continue. Thank God for that,...I am very grateful.

First of all, he did get that job at Pep Boys...YEAH ! He is just now waiting for the results of their drug test (go figure) until he can start. He should have no problem getting back a clean result, but says that he still has a very hard time relaxing about that, since it's so foreign to him to feel. Plus,...the weed stays in your system for so long, that he's still worried about it, but I digress. Then he said something about wanting to start putting money into a mutual fund every month once he starts getting a paycheck ! LOL,..I'm sorry, but...what? I said, ...I don't think you're even close to that type of situation yet, ......first you need to pay some money back. He said,."why, I don't owe any money." It just hit me SO wrong....I was just instantly so pissed that he'd think he should INVEST money before paying all of his own sober living expenses, or perhaps, even, let's say...pay me back the $60 he stole out of my purse right before leaving for rehab.,...and that's just ONE small example ! OMG....I am shamed to say so, but back when, ...and not as long ago as I'd like to say it was...meaning, I KNEW better,...I gave him $ to pay off a dealer !!! : ( And I do really think he did, for he was scared of them, was in deep trouble with them, etc.,...but I was humiliated and ashamed to help him with it, and just knew how wrong it was...what i was doing,...but it was cleaning up his mess, when he finally wanted to get clean.

NO excuses...I know...just saying,.....there's just so so much hurt that is still inside of me, and I know that resentment is an ugly thing that I don't want to keep, for it's not helpful to me, to get better. It's not at all the money either, but the idea that he was so oblivious to it,...and I know at the same time, that he's been very troubled by all the pain he's caused, and ashamed of it, and has a hard time dealing with it mentally,......who he became from addiction. He's expressed that multiple times, and like any addict, "doesn't want to think about that." (although, I do think he will, and hopefully work through it) I also know that he did call his sponsor after our conversation....he became angry when I did...and today, said that he was working more on himself. The fact that he became angry was "his issue, not mine"....and not my fault. He "understands why I would have a reaction that I did" etc..

Of course, I am very grateful and happy that he's FINALLY working SO hard on his recovery, in so many ways that I haven't even written about, but wow, we sure can't turn off a switch and just shake off all the pain of the active addiction and the years of stress, anger, worry, pain, shame and horror. And yes, of course.....I'm very aware that it could also all begin again....God forbid. I do think it would be good for me to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon , which I've been to before, multiple times. But I've never really worked the steps or got a sponsor, and I'm sure it would help me work on this.

Any thoughts from all of you.....what have you been able to let go of ?

getting better all the time.....

2011-01-31T23:23:00.002-05:00

I've been busy and haven't posted recently, but each day, D sounds better than the last one. He's connected with people in his new half way house, and has actually been having some fun. He's gone bowling, to a huge recovery get together/dinner, ....some other things too. He sounds more and more thoughtful and mature (!) in each conversation we have with him,...it's quite remarkable. I don't know any other way to put it. He is patient, accepting, forward thinking, considerate, follows through,....he's even reading novels as well as non fiction books ! I can't tell you how major that is....but then again, those of you that read these blogs most likely really get that. : ) His current daily challenge is securing a job...still. He thinks he may have one at a local Pet Boys where he is (perfect, his first word was car)...and he's hoping that will happen within the next few days. ...I'll keep you posted,...but we are currently THANKFUL ! What is working for him SO much is he's really into NA, and for him, that is what works so well. He just also began individual therapy and hopefully that will progress well....we'll see. Now we look forward to him coming back here on the 25th for court, but are holding our breath on that one. With him doing so very well.....we hope that goes well too. It would totally stink if he was convicted and put into jail at this point, but I can't control that , obviously. As we all know, one day at a time.....
Thinking of all of you and praying for all that suffer....addicts and those who love them.
Peace to you.

Good Guidance

2011-01-23T22:17:00.003-05:00

D called tonight,....happy to share his news....he got a sponsor today ! He was very happy about it, and obviously, that was nice to hear. Now, if he will do what this guy suggests, that would be great. He was told to call him every day, and says that is what he's planning to do. That is all for now here.
Meanwhile, I've been checking out other blogs and am praying for all of us that are affected by the darkness of addiction. Hope you all have a good week.

the right direction

2011-01-22T09:52:00.003-05:00

I don't have much in the way of news or drama....isn't that a great thing?? I remember, not so long ago,....and for sooooo long before that, thinking how we couldn't go more than a couple of days without some type of D drama or negative event,...that's not at all an exaggeration. I just heard from him this morning via phone, as I do usually once per day, and he was just saying hi, up early (another amazing miracle), having just done some laundry. He did ask when his next spending $ was coming, and that he'd lent his last $20 to another guy at the house, for gas to get to a meeting. So, yes, we are currently still supporting him with money, since he doesn't have a job yet,...although he is making a big effort on that front daily. I also think it's poor judgment to have loaned $20 to someone when D himself would then have none....why not just $10 ? He agreed with me (again,wow) that wasn't what he should have done...$10 would have been better, and that he needs to be more careful and thoughtful on how he handles money. But, compared to the life he was leading before,....well, you know,...baby steps.
D continues to move in the right direction, goes to meetings every day, sometimes 2 per day,...and is really into them, not because he has to. He still is trying to get a sponsor, and was just told no by one guy he asked the other day, which was a disappointment, but according to the guy, he doesn't sponsor people anymore after a couple of guys relapsed that he was sponsoring. The main thing that is so very different, besides ALL of the other good differences, is D's level of happiness....it's a wonderful thing to witness as his mother. I think that he's just so thrilled that he can feel proud of himself after so long of feeling the opposite. He is much happier in the halfway house he's now moved into,...feels connected to some people there, and also just has some day to day things that are working much better, such as some help with transportation vs. only the bicycle...he's now also closer to the bus line.
He'll be coming back here for court on Feb. 25th, so that's a huge hurdle that could go either way. With how well he's doing, it sure would be awful if he got convicted and went to jail and stopped his current positive progression,...never mind getting a felony. But as I have said before, I'm not going to let the positive feeling about what he's doing so well NOW be overtaken with worry or negative feelings about what "could" or "could NOT" happen later on.....which isn't even here yet. I can't let that rob the positive gratitude I have for what is now good,....nor my own ability to have peace and happiness in my life, despite the darkness of addiction. It's SO much more peaceful here at home now,.....we just don't have any drama or arguments with the 3 of us here....my husband, me, and our older son. In fact, our oldest son is about to move out on his own in 2 or 3 months, which will make us empty nesters after 26 1/2 yr.s (our oldest daughter is 26 ),...something that's even hard to imagine.
Hope you're all off to a good start on the weekend and that we're all moving forward on increasing peace in our lives, despite what addiction does to undermine it.

People, Places, and Things

2011-01-17T21:38:00.002-05:00

Well,...what do you know ? D did make it happen....he changed his living situation, went to a new half way house today. He continued to be concerned about those around him, where he lived, that were obviously using. Even though one guy was kicked out of the house on Fri.night, there were a number of them there that were still actively using, ...although the director of the house wasn't aware of it. D didn't at all feel comfortable in telling the director, because of what backlash was possible, ...due to the consequences of homelessness for those guys if the director of the house found out, and the guys thought it had been him who told him. So....D has been talking the past few days to the director of another house, who was also a counselor at the treatment center he was in recently, and was able to get a spot at this other house, about 20 mi. away from where he was. The director of the first place didn't take it very well,...and even called me to find out if I knew he was changing his location, which I assured him I did. It was a bit weird because neither D nor I were actually telling him the real reason,...and I'm not sure that I feel o.k. about that either. But I also think that D isn't exaggerating the threat to him if he "rats out" the other guys....ugh.
Anyway, the bottom line is that what I see the most of with D now is the priority of recovery for him....what a beautiful thing ! And also, no money was lost either,...for him changing locations, because the first place is refunding the 2nd 2 weeks payment that was already paid. He'll also have some help with transportation in the new place, to find or get to a job,...go to a counseling appt., etc..

Believe me, I am a realist,....and if you'd been on this 4 yr.s plus journey with D, you would be too,...but I'm also remaining hopeful right now.....and that's o.k.

Oh Happy Day

2011-01-14T23:21:00.003-05:00

It's sooo nice to post something good on here. First of all, D continues to sound better and better every day. He's clear spoken...which of course he should be by now,..but still...very appreciated ! He is (from what I can tell over the phone) productive, motivated, hopeful, pleasant to talk to, reasonable, etc. etc. etc. It's again, quite amazing to hear....even if I'm not seeing it with my own eyes. He "thinks" he may have a job at Mc Donald's, going to see the hiring manager tomorrow....so that's one hopeful option. Even just Mc Donald's ...a job is a job is a job....and mind you, he does have experience,...used to work at our local one here. The more he has to do during the day...or evening,..the better it is. He needs to occupy his time. His attitude remains positive, despite the fact that he's quite disappointed at the fact that a number of(majority of) the residents of his halfway house seem to be using. : ( No one has told him that overtly, nor shown him what they have,....but he's seen all the signs with most of them,...besides what happened the other night, and ya know, it takes one to know one. As they say....you can't bullshit a bullshitter, true. He wants to get out of there, and is in the process of talking to one of the directors of one of the other local halfway house in the city he's in. If he stays another week where he is, they will refund the last 2 weeks of the first month's payment.

The really big "happy day" thing is that our daughter (never much mention her in this blog about addiction) got engaged today ! She's currently living in Australia,...back story there,...and her Aussie boyfriend called us this morning at 6 A.M. before we went to work,...to let us know that he was going to propose....kind of get our blessing ahead of time....very sweet. That phone ringing at 6 a.m. with him on the line (it was Fri.night there already/15 hr.s time difference) couldn't have been more surprising. We are very happy for them....he's a wonderful, hardworking, guy of integrity that adores our daughter. Other than their location on the globe and our wish to see them more.....who doesn't like that for their daughter ?
Meanwhile, D has gone on a phone call campaign through the extended family.....has been "reconnecting" with the relatives,...both sides of grandparents, uncles, one aunt, his brother and sister etc.,...he says it "feels good to be back in the family". That really surprised me....and I wonder if he really "gets" that whether or not he hears it or sees it, the family members may be hesitant and skeptical, as much as he is currently doing well legitimately. It will take TIME to not be concerned about how much better he'll "keep on" doing.
oh yeah....our older son, D's older brother even got "employee of the month" at his office today....so, as I said....a happy day. : ) One day at a time....one day at a time.....one day at a time....

Living in the danger zone

2011-01-11T22:11:00.002-05:00

Well, crap,....D just called me briefly,...outside of a meeting, about to go in. He rode in a car on the way to a meeting with some guys that live in his halfway house. However, on the way to the meeting....the car stopped at a housing project area, where the driver and one of the other guys in the car went into the building,...not for too long, and came back to the car. : ( Apparently, D and the other 2 guys left in the car just sat and waited, no one saying anything about the "purpose" of the short stop. He said, Mom,...I came here to get better, not to be around this....I need to go to a different halfway house. I agree. He's only been there 2 days.....ugh.

need to be taking care of business....my own, not his

2011-01-10T21:42:00.001-05:00

Ugh....I'm really not as capable of this as I'd hoped I'd be. D is now in the halfway house, got settled yesterday. He's there with his bike...his only mode of transportation, to find or get to any type of job. When he first got there, he called (first time to have a cell phone again) and was negative, said he didn't like it there at all, way too many rules and regulations they hadn't told him about...it wouldn't be helpful for his sobriety, etc. I must admit, although I didn't act that way to him, and said reasonable and positive things to him on the phone....internally, I freaked out a bit. ("oh no, what if he won't stay there now...what if he gets into an argument with someone that lives there, what if he takes off....what will happen if the court here in VA. then finds out....what if he gets all pissed off and takes off and then wants to get high".....what if, what if, what if)...it was lame.....of me, I mean. About an hr. and 1/2 later, he called back....said that he'd thought about it, realized that the strictest rules were only for the first 30 days, and was thankful to just have his cell phone back and also have a new bike. (He'd also taken his medicine in the meantime,....once again, major help there.) Then, later on, ..since he doesn't have a computer to use in the house he's in....can only go to the library to use one, and needs 2 forms of I.D.,...for the moment, he only has 1,....I was looking up places for him to apply for jobs from here at home, then texting him the addresses and phone numbers, how far they were from where he's living, etc.. I mean, geez....I was texting him this stuff during my precious minutes of planning time at work/school today. Any of you that may be a teacher out there...you know how more ridiculous that is. Then, I was worrying more....how will he find a job if he can only have jobs he can get to on a bicycle? I thought this place also at times helps with transportation...that's what the info. said before he moved in there, etc.. D texted me....".Mom, how about I just work on my recovery, and you work on your co-dependency ?" Well,...those drugs didn't take away all of his previous smart thinking, now did they ? What is wrong with me ? I really need to make some more major adjustments in my thinking and behavior. As much as I've dreamed of him working on his recovery.....I hadn't realized how much I'd have to adjust to that.....to even get used to him actually following through on things he needs to do....to imagine him being responsible and productive again....as he once was so long ago. And yes, yes, I know....even if he's NOT doing all of those things.....to just work on taking care of my own business, not his.

...and now the reality begins, phase one

2011-01-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

D is leaving the rehab tomorrow, and will be living in a halfway house about 40 mi. from where he was in rehab.. We're still here at home and he's getting a ride to his next residence from someone there at the rehab.. He's actually stopping at Walmart along the way and buying a bicycle,which he'll be using for transportation. Yes, we financed the bicycle purchase, because he has no money of his own yet. The halfway house appears to be a very structured place, and he's required to be out during the day,from 9 to 5, either working, looking for work, or volunteering in some way. Of course, the economy isn't good, but I am hoping he finds something pretty quickly. The halfway house people that are there also will help with some transportation, so that's a great thing. He's planning to see one of the therapists from the rehab. weekly for continuing counseling, although I don't know how he'll make that work when she's 40 min.s away and he only has a bicycle. I mean, does that strike you as problematic ?Of course, he thinks it will work out.,...I'm not getting involved with that,..although he is under our insurance to pay for it. At the halfway house, about 1/2(no pun intended) of the residents are ex-convicts, so that gave me pause,...although really, that's a bit hypocritical, since if D's convicted of his current pending charge (court's in late Feb.), he'd also be a convict. Just another facet of the addiction journey.
One thing I haven't mentioned is that while I was away in CT. over Christmas time, I learned of a tragedy resulting from addiction, another heroin overdose. He was the nephew of a guy I grew up with, his brother's 21 yr. old son. The young man, Chris, had just returned from a 1/2 way house in Florida, after having been there for the previous 3 months. He came back home for Christmas, and to get his car to drive back down to Florida after the holiday. He was home and saw his parents for only an hour, then went out to see some old friends. His mom found him dead the next morning, on Dec. 24th. How horrific is that ? Obviously, he relapsed the first night he was back in town. I opened my hometown newspaper and saw his obituary and gasped....just seeing his handsome photo and the name,....while my own son was also in treatment in Florida right at that time. I admired his parents strength in asking for donations to the Help An Addict organization in lieu of flowers. I just again wish that everyone reading it could think about what happened to Chris in the way people think about those young people lost to other horrible diseases, instead of judging him and his parents....or speculating about what they must have done wrong in raising him.
Of course, I pray that my son won't do the same thing. Again, that's what I'll do along with my hope, keep on praying for all of our kids.

Looking forward/ looking back

2011-01-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

During the past few days, D has been working on finding a 1/2 way house to go to next week. He's being released from the treatment center on Sunday, and it's been a search for where to go next, based upon recommendations from the counselor where he is and what's available as well, whether nearby where he is or otherwise. His main concern was that he not come back here...as I've said before, the first time he's really been aware of how dangerous it is for him near triggers and people, places and things that he used with here. That is good to see,..that he(not us) is so aware of/even afraid of going back to using. He's found a place near where he is, and he interviewed there and was accepted,...had dinner over there last night, which surprised me. He is very motivated to go there and excited about looking forward to what recovery can be for him now...hoping to get a job, even start community college, although that probably won't happen until the summer. He sounds happier than I can remember hearing him for soooo long. Of course, he does have to come back to go to court on Feb. 25th, but he will deal with that then....he can still do something positive for now where he is. Of course, that could require that he stay here and go to jail, but I'm praying that doesn't happen and he can go back to where he'll be living. Time will tell, of course.
Meanwhile, he called a little while ago and started to cry, but it was because he was happy. He'd shared some things in his group tonight that he "broke through" to say that he'd not ever told anyone before, and it was a huge relief for him and he was very proud of himself and emotional about. He apologized to me again and also said that he knew that he wasn't really the bad person that he'd felt about himself for so long, and just wanted to deal with the "horrible bitch" of addiction that's hurt him and us so much. Our whole conversation was very moving, and I'm not really articulating it well enough here.
Of course, he'll continue to deal with his addiction and it will continue to be a challenging road for him. I don't think that he's "taken care of " things that he'd needed to do and all is well now. But I do think that as many others have said, each attempt at recovery can push the addict more forward on a positive path, and D has started on that path at the moment. I am grateful for that, and looking for more light out of the darkness that's been the status quo for a very long time.

Addiction's affect upon relationships

2011-01-02T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was just about to e-mail someone in my extended family, and thought about how our son's addiction has affected my relationship with that person. Although this family member very much loves D and us, over the past year's of D's addiction and what we've all gone through, our relationship has changed, ..more recently, into a more shallow one, I'd say. This person has been consistently supportive and has prayed for D and us throughout this painful journey. However, as with many people that aren't the addict's parents, or the ones "on site" and seeing the addict regularly, there's so much that's not apparent or known by them, that is to me, too much to necessarily explain, detail wise,...event wise, ..that changes the understanding of it all. After all, they're hearing what's happening from me, colored by my emotions and not necessarily often seeing the addict,...if they don't live locally, as with my family member. As much as my husband and I have so often been very angry, resentful, and fed up, even detached from our son due to his behavior and choices from his addiction, .....I can also feel frustrated by others that are close to me that don't understand it all better, especially from some aspects that I've shared with them. I guess I'd like them to also know how much D was predisposed to this from the get go,...how he's always been more affected biologically than my other kids,....that he'd never thought he would end up this way and has great shame about it. I KNOW he made numerous wrong choices....I KNOW that he's been selfish and a liar and hurtful and all the other negative things that addicts do, but I also know that it's not black and white and that D himself isn't like others who also experimented with marijuana and drinking as teenagers, including myself. It affected him differently from the beginning. This family member and I had a tough conversation when he kept suggesting that D go to Teen Challenge, a wonderful program,...which I'd have loved that D go to. But at that time,...it was extremely iffy that D would go to any treatment program,...never mind commit to a program that's over 1 yr. long. My relative got angry on the phone, and since then, doesn't mention D at all, and if I mention him, he quickly talks about something else. He knows that he's out of state in treatment right now. I just realize that it's another facet of addiction,...for those that love them.....there are so many things that are affected by it. However, it does hurt and I am working on having better perspective on it. I know my relationships with others have been affected too,...friends I haven't seen or talked to for a long time, that I'd normally have been in touch with, etc., but I'd let D's addiction shut them out as I tried to cope with it. I look forward to working more on having those relationships come back in touch again this year, whether or not D is in recovery,...for I certainly don't know what will happen in the future. I'm thinking that my experience is pretty common and really, I wish that society in general understood more about addiction and how it happens. I hope that more and more is made clear in the future in our country and others.

Out with the old, in with the new !

2011-01-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

I've been away and busy with visiting family etc. so haven't posted since my last frustrated and angry post when D had a big fit on the phone with me, from where he is in treatment. Meanwhile, I'm very glad to say that he's been doing better and better.....each day he sounds more hopeful, happy, and committed to his recovery than the previous day. He did tell me on the phone today that last night was hard for him, as he could see others partying....drinking from a big beer bong, etc.. Geez, how close together is the treatment center from another house where the people are partying ? He said that it wasn't hard in the respect that they were "partying" on New Year's eve and that he couldn't,....just that he wasn't "normal" as other people are that are able to drink alcohol at some level without being extreme and self destructive.
Meanwhile, we learned that he must already leave the rehab. on Jan. 10th, after only 21 days...ugh. Even though we were told that at the end of the first 3 weeks he'd be evaluated for need of continuing treatment, with insurance continuing to pay,...and again at the end of 60 days, up to 90.....now, we were just told that no, some insurances do that, but not ours. They knew exactly what insurance we had, and I asked multiple times to confirm that they'd pay, before he even first went there. Oh well,...I'm actually just grateful that D went there, of his own free will,...and that our insurance is paying for the 3 weeks in full...that's wonderful. He's now been researching places to go for "transitional living" aka half way houses,..and is set to interview on Monday for one not far from where he's currently in treatment in Florida. He is strongly set against coming back home here to VA., and for once, KNOWS that it's way too slippery for him here....too may triggers for him to prompt a relapse. He says that he doesn't plan to come back here for a very long time. Of course, I'd love him to be where we could see him (especially in recovery !), but if he's not using and needs to be away to have that happen...then I would much rather he stay away. We can go down and visit when we can. He wants to get a job, at least part time, and begin comm. college ,...not sure when on that. The place he's interviewing for also has a Christian theme and that makes me very very happy, so we'll see. However, he still has his court date/trial hanging over his head on Feb. 25th, here at home. Unless it's again continued to a later date, he'll be coming back for that, and of course, we don't know how it will go. In fact, he's first (this coming week) finding out whether or not it's allowed by his pre trial supervision people here, or the judge,..that he move out of treatment into the transitional living place instead of coming back here when he leaves treatment on Jan. 10th. I'm thinking they'll let him...but as you know, you never can tell.
I am a teacher and tend to think of the new year beginning in Sept. vs. now,...that's just when it all begins fresh for me each year. However, this New Year's day, this year,....I'm thinking of it as a real new year beginning....for D to recover and become who he really is, without using, and for us to begin to live a MUCH more peaceful and pleasant life without him nearby, steeped in his addiction. 2010 was very tough in many ways, as D was arrested twice this year,....was using, in recovery for over 3 mo.s, then went back to using and continued to get worse and worse. I am looking SO forward to a far improved 2011 for all of us. May we all work on our own progress and I'd love to go forward to see us all blogging about something other than addiction ! However,...what I want to say most today is THANK YOU,...all of you other parents of addicts who blog and share,...for holding me up and really really understanding through this past year and a half. It has been crucial to me to be able to keep going forward and coping and I am so grateful ! Happy new Year to all of you and may all of our loved ones find recovery and peace.

Stepping backward and forward......

2010-12-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

God forbid ANY bit of peace continues for any length of time ! D is still in Florida,...I'm visiting with my 90 yr. old mom and other extended family members out of state....having a nice time, should not have to once again, per USUAL, have to be upset and dealing with D's demanding bullshit. He's been calling daily, seems to be doing well....called tonight and talked about how he'd cried at the fact that he realized that he'd not yet surrendered ALL the way, but now has,..yada yada. He'd been journaling, doing all this stuff to work on himself,..more on that later. Then,...what happened ? The conversation turned to when he plans to be leaving the treatment center in Florida,...date of planned departure, Jan. 10th...yikes, way too early, ...after only 3 weeks ! That is the date that the insurance company has promised to pay through....then, as they near the date, he's to be re-evaluated, to determine the need for further treatment or not,..uh...yeah...further treatment is VERY needed ! My perception/guess is that he'll be recommended for further treatment and then, IF that's done, the insurance will o.k. paying for another 30 days...and so it goes....for 2 more months, I hope. When I said something about the fact that was the way it worked...which we'd discussed before...he began to say, that no, ..he was leaving there and coming back to our home town...that was what he was going to do, on Jan. 10th. I told him that I thought that he shouldn't do that, not yet...it was way too early, not safe, etc.. He began to get upset....raised his voice,..said I was trying to control him and that I couldn't do that (I know, no kidding !),..and I said that I was only telling him my opinion and that I certainly had one and had a right to it.....just 2 weeks ago he was stealing from me, doing all kinds of terrible things and making life hell for him and us....it was my OPINION that he was not safe at all in our town,..too many triggers etc.. He became irate, told me that he was doing what he f'ing wanted to do, and that if I didn't like that, I could go "f--- myself". Obviously, I just hung up the phone at that point. I then called my husband, who's already back home after our trip up here for Christmas, ..told him what happened,...of course, then he was mad at D. While on the phone with him, D beeped into my husband's/our home phone, and we hung up and he answered D. Then...my husband called me back, and told me how he also got into it with him, how then D said, "fine, then I'm checking myself out of here, why even stay". When my husband told me that, then we ended up arguing with each other,...because I was upset with him for saying things that led D to think that we had planned this from the beginning,..that we'd been lying to him all along,...to never let him come back home,etc., which isn't true . So, then my husband hung up on me....lots of hang ups going on,...all of them ridiculous. My head was spinning. Meanwhile, my poor 90 yr. old mom was waiting for me to just sit on the sofa with her and hang out...something I'm not normally here to do,..just watch some T.V. with her...even that was interrupted and taken by D's selfish and ridiculous behavior. : (
Then....about 30 min.s later, after talking to my husband...D called me again. I hesitated before doing so, but answered him. He was 180 degrees out now....apologizing...saying that he was totally wrong...that of course, he couldn't come back to our town,..that he needs to be somewhere else....it had been his addictive thinking talking,...he was sorry for how he spoke to me (which was outrageous). He said that he already feels terrible for all the bad things he's done, mainly to us,..that's often why he also wanted to get high before. (I mean, I've heard so much of this before...and I know he does hate what he's done.) Then...asked me if we could start to figure out where he could go after he left treatment....could there be a sober living house...NOT anywhere near home...that's what he'd like to do,...etc.. After being on the phone before, he'd calmed down, talked to a few people where he is, and especially importantly...taken his medicine. I told you how that helped him hugely. I mean....what am I supposed to think about all of this ? I feel ridiculous for even answering the phone the 2nd time, given how he spoke to me. Besides his wanting to use drugs....he's also just always so much had to have his way about things,..just unrelated to drugs...whatever it was he's been hell bent on having happen. I know it's related to his impulsiveness/intensity/ADHD, but still.......I just think....will he ever not think that way ? Even he knows that everything all "his way" leads to results that are so much "not his way". But then again, this is only his 8th day in treatment....geez,...no wonder he could be talking "addict-like". Typical addict, he wants results and he wants them NOW, including his recovery progression.
Please forgive me for this long and rambling and not making much of a point post....just had to get it out.

only the beginning

2010-12-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

I've talked to D twice now, since he got there on Sunday. He already (tonight) sounded SO clear,...said something pretty simple ...to most people, anyway. He said..."Do you have a pen and paper nearby? Take down this number....told me the number....said, "I'm pretty sure that's the number...if it's not, I'll call back shortly after we hang up to let you know.' Even though this is a simple concept,...I said, "How will you know it's the right number or not?" He said, "I'm going to go and check when I hang up." (WHAT, double checking something???) (he was calling on a pay phone and couldn't walk back to wherever he had the number written down while on the phone.) As LAME and simple as this verbal exchange sounds to a person not having dealt with their actively using son ,...I was on the other end of the phone thinking ...holy shit. I swear...his voice sounded so clear and he sounded so detailed in his explanation (I realize it wasn't that complex !, ..but still !) It is always so true....that when dealing with something (or someone) that's painful ...you really get so used to the pain and the dysfunction, that something so simple and "normal" and not painful coming from that same source can feel like an anomaly,...a breath of fresh air......and you realize just HOW AWFUL it's been that you've gotten used to. : ( It was like the "old "D", the original and always detailed, heartfelt, follow through D peeked through....just a tiny bit. His voice was really SO clear...I can't describe it. This post feels rambling and not articulate,..but those of you that "KNOW", might know what I mean. And by the way......the number he was referring to was a security number that I can use as a type of password. Therefore, with his permission (not asked for by us in any way).. ...we (my husband and I) can call where he is in treatment and give them that # as a verification from him to share information regarding anything about how he's doing or his treatment experience. Time will tell, one step at a time.

Settling in to the idea of the change,..the respite

2010-12-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

wow....it took a number of hours,...but I've realized that I've already breathed out a bit....in a good way. I know that you who have had a child of yours in rehab/treatment, or sadly, even in jail,...can relate to what I mean in feeling that you're having some type of break....some peace of mind. D texted me while I was out Christmas shopping this afternoon,...that he'd arrived, was met by someone at the airport, from where he's going for treatment. After that, I haven't heard a word,...I know that he has to give them his phone and they'll put it in a safe for him. Hopefully, it's all going well. I finished shopping, went and got some food for dinner,.....came into the house and realized that I'm now already feeling a bit lighter....just kind of free. My husband jokingly said...."look at me....putting my wallet & keys right here" (in a basket on top of the 'frig. where he always used to put them)....meaning, not hiding them. I know, that is a commentary on a way to live that is pathetic and that no one should be doing....in an adaptation to addiction...oh how I know. Anyway, for today, I am very thankful....that D decided to go to treatment(again) and knows how much he needs help. Believe me, if you knew him...you'd know how much he wouldn't be doing this unless HE wanted to. We realize oh too well how much this is a very small part of his recovery and even more so,...it's the "easy" part, being clean and working on recovery in a structured environment. But for now, I am grateful for the break for us, and continue to pray for him to "get it" this time,...enough to make his recovery his number one priority.

Amazing Grace...he's on his way

2010-12-19T13:38:00.000-05:00

By the grace of God, D is on his way to Florida...he's already arrived in Charlotte and is waiting for his connecting flight. We(his dad and I) took him to the airport this morning,...it was all a positive feeling along the way there. We stood and watched him walk away until we couldn't see him anymore, then turned and walked out of the airport and into the car to drive home. Neither one of us said a word for awhile....it was like we both felt numb. We didn't feel relief or happiness or anything right away...not what we had expected. Last night, we went out to dinner together, D and us two, and afterward, he sat and talked to us and got very emotional....crying and crying, not what he's done for a long time. The overwhelming theme of all that he said was about his own shame....that he can't believe that he became this person that he now is....someone that mistreats other people, is only about himself and getting drugs. He talked about how hard it was to even say good bye to many friends that he'd have liked to have seen....that he was very embarassed in front of his peers...that others that he knows...people that "party" aren't messed up the way he is. It was a sad thing to see,...but the complete defeat that he was communicating was a good thing, I think. I know that we only have today....we don't know what will happen later. But...we never have that anyway,....any of us. For this moment, today, he is heading in the right direction....and I'm thankful. I appreciate the support from those of you who have commented to me.

he's baaack

2010-12-18T16:57:00.000-05:00

O.K,....now it's late Sat. afternoon....he did return,...upstairs sleeping at the moment...ugh. But, the plan is that we will go out to dinner at a local Mexican place in about an hour,...D, my husband, and me. His older brother opted out for dinner,...is busy(which he is) getting some things ready for his friend's party tonight. He does DJing, so he's helping to set it all up. But, he knows his brother is leaving tomorrow too,....and of all people, the older brother, M, has really done so much for D and hung in there for so long for him...helping him in many ways. He used to even drive him to his counseling appts. and sit in the parking lot for an hour and wait for him,...many a 23 yr. old wouldn't do that for their younger sibling who kept screwing up over and over. By now, he's pretty detached....he is a great example of "loving detachment". I know he prays for him and I know he loves him...but he's totally backed out of having anything really to do with him, including getting involved in any conversations about him with us. I surely don't blame him for that. Addiction just ripples across everyone around it......

MIA

2010-12-18T13:50:00.000-05:00

yes,...it's early Sat. afternoon now....and D is currently MIA/missing in action. : ( Last I heard from him was when he texted me last night while he was out with friends....saying he'd be home later on. He is all booked onto the flight for Florida tomorrow,....but not yet around today. I can only pray that he's still sleeping (even though it's almost 2 p.m.) and will soon call or show up. The sleeping until 2 is certainly not unheard of, as most of you probably can relate to all too well. As I said....until we can actually get him on that plane tomorrow, I really can't be sure of what he'll do. Still praying that can happen.

making an exit plan

2010-12-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

He's planning to go,....agrees to leave on Sunday. We're making flight arrangements. Even though I didn't say anything about it,...he said that he planned to be away from here for a long time....that's good. Meanwhile, the attorney's office called and said that he now doesn't even have to be there tomorrow morning for a pretrial hearing....that the officer wasn't available (good) and that a continuance will be issued....for at least 30 days, 'til D can come back from treatment for a trial. I'm hoping it will be continued even longer, but am not going to worry about that now. I feel very grateful that he's going and planning to work on his recovery. One step at a time....one day at a time. This really feels like a Christmas gift to me...even though I hate that he'll be gone for Christmas,...the 2nd one he's missed because of being in treatment,...3 yrs ago, he was also gone. I want our son back ,...not this cocaine addict who is miserable and insensitive to others, yet can't stop himself. He told me ...."it's like I don't even like to do cocaine...but I have to do it." "Every day I wake up and pledge that I won't....but it doesn't work" Praise God that he's getting out of here.

Blessings ~ hoping to get help

2010-12-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

well...FINALLY, we found out mid afternoon today that the judge approved amending the bond so that D can go to treatment in Florida ! He can go to a good place (we're hoping) that is PAID for by our insurance.....you all know how amazing that is ! Even if it's just for 3 or 4 weeks...hoping it's MUCH longer....it will get him out of here and give him a start. Of course, despite the fact that we've been discussing it, now that it actually was approved today, I told him about it,...and that's where the balking started. He became agitated etc., said that now he doesn't want to go,...that I've "really screwed him" by getting this all approved and going forward,etc.. He even said that he was so sick of having to go to a rehab with some charge hanging over his head....geez, ya think ? We're pretty damn sick of that too! I didn't let his agitation upset me though, and told him to calm down and THINK & also go and take his medicine and I'll talk to him in a little while. He did(take his medicine...Abilify, AMAZINGLY helpful for him)..and in about 45 min.s , called me back..I was still at work. He was much more reasonable, not angry any more, said he would go,...even though he "doesn't really want to or feel like it." Man, I do a LOT that I really don't feel like having to do, don't you ? Well, I can't think that his addiction is going to be challenged without a fight,...to be expected when dealing with this hellish disease. He is so bad off right now....when I deal with him, a lot of the time, I just look at him and think that I'm dealing with a sick person,...and it helps me when he's talking about things that are terrible but he mentions as if they're pretty normal....certain people who he knows of in jail, someone he knows of and what drugs they used, ...yada, yada, ugh. Then, in between, he's often semi normal acting,....and we even have some nice talks, sometimes a laugh,....you'd have to be here and see what I mean. I'm not able to really describe it well enough here.
On Friday morning, he must go before the judge for a pre trial hearing, where the charges are read and a plea is entered. Then....he'll (HOPEFULLY) be leaving for Florida on Fri. afternoon or Saturday. My prayers of thanks are going to be also joined by prayers for him to continue to be willing to leave for Florida and begin treatment. I will not breathe out any sighs of relief until we can get his butt onto that plane. Of course, I/we realize how much that any treatment is only the very beginning of an attempt for recovery. But, right now, that beginning will give me hope. D being in treatment and willing to work on his recovery would be a wonderful Christmas gift, as far as I'm concerned.

waiting/ looking forward.....

2010-12-10T20:20:00.000-05:00

We finally found out today, after much waiting, that our son's attorney will finally meet with the judge, along with the prosecutor, on Tuesday, to see if D's bond can be amended, allowing him to go to Florida for treatment. The prosecutor seems pretty set on not letting it happen...so who knows what will be. D NEEDS to get out of here and work on his recovery...D says that himself,..he WANTS to go ! Funny though(not ha ha type funny)....at the same time, he's still using,...although "trying" to not use,...but not at a meeting tonight either. :( He did go and check in for his first time (currently, not first IOP ever) with the IOP guy, who's told him he does need to go to NA meetings daily...so now he's planning to start doing that "tomorrow", as well as drinking a LOT of water for his next drug test. He told me that he actually hates using....but on the way to use...he gets "all excited about it". Ugh...you KNOW how sick this makes me to describe. Yet...he said that as soon as he begins to use (cocaine)....he gets down, hates it....doesn't even like it, but is compulsive about doing it again. It's all just so sick. And, as much as I truly HATE saying this here, but somehow feel like I should,...he stole $60 from my purse a couple of days ago. I know...he should be put out of here,...but I keep thinking he's leaving in a few days (we're hoping),so we haven't made him leave now. I realize how lame this sounds. (We have put him out of the house in the past....and he's had over 100 days clean in the past....not that long, but still) And in the meantime....he just tells me how miserable he is every day. I know he is, but then again....it makes me feel the same way, miserable. Last night, he stayed up all night,doing drugs, alone,...'til 7 a.m. this morning (he told me today when I got home from work),...slept 'til 5 p.m. today. It's all just so dark, pathetic,...at times, surreal. Please don't tell me how sick and out of control he is....I know. And I know how enabling this current situation appears as well. I just want him to be able to leave and go to treatment...and have a chance. It often feels hopeless. He has gone to 3 treatment centers before....he's been an addict since he was 15,..and now this is where we are. In the meantime, I pray. Thank God for these blogs...reading others' blogs and being able to know we're not alone. So few people I know really know the actual specifics of drug addiction,....lucky them.

something's gotta give

2010-12-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

we're still waiting to find out if the judge will approve our son's attorney's request to be able to leave the state for a treatment center in Florida. This place will take our insurance...be paid in full ! However, in the meantime....D has to go to see the pre-trial person tomorrow....and possibly be drug tested. I don't know that it will go well,...as I know that he originally tested positive for weed, so it must now go down in the level or he could be put in jail tomorrow. Obviously, I can't think that would help his case, either. Honestly, I don't want him to go to jail tomorrow, nor be convicted of this charge he's up against,....but if it works for him to leave for Florida for treatment, I would be thrilled, despite him being there for Christmas. How amazed would I have been years ago to think that I'd ever be thrilled/relieved to think of D being away at a drug treatment center for Christmas, instead of being home with us ? That's an indicator right there, that something's gotta give............

truth ~ trust

2010-12-05T20:44:00.000-05:00

I wonder how it is that addicts often yearn for & yes, almost demand trust, although haven't yet had much if any history of truth telling ? I realize that what they think is usually not logical in general, yet it's still amazing how quickly they seem to feel that trust should be granted, despite a long and heavy history of lying,.... so many significant lies and also so many "small" and consistent lies. It really is more logical than it first appears, I guess,....the impatience and demand that's so self centered that is the essence of thought of an addict across the board.
Right now, as I type...my son is at an NA meeting,....at least, that's what he says he's doing. I am not sure if he is or not, even though I'm leaning more toward thinking that he is, based upon his most recent attitude and behavior. He's also now interested in going to a treatment center in Florida, instead of staying here in his hometown, attending IOP, and working on his recovery through NA. He would be helped to be out of here, for quite awhile, and even a month in treatment would be helpful, followed by a sober living home,....one step at a time though. However, he has an upcoming court date on Dec. 17th for possession of cocaine, and can only go if his attorney gets an approval from the judge on his leaving for Florida and continuing the case until a later date. This will all be decided upon this week. I won't go into it all here right now,....but he wasn't at the location of the cocaine when police came, nor ever seen by the police or found with any cocaine on him,....even though he'd been at that place earlier. Another friend of his was found there with it and police called my son on his cell and told him to go to the police station because they wanted to also question him. He didn't go and they put out a warrant and now he has the upcoming court date. His lawyer doesn't yet even know what evidence police requested the warrant with. Ugh.... I am so praying that he just leave this town,...for a long while,....and be able to work on the recovery he is now saying he so adamantly wants. Time will tell and meanwhile I'm praying per usual. I hope that he is too.....and realizing that God will help him seek and continue recovery if he's asking faithfully.

up and down, all around

2010-12-01T23:09:00.000-05:00

Even after all of this time (4 yr.s),..it's amazing to me how quickly my feelings about my son and his addiction and future can flip around so quickly,....from sadness, to strength & at least "some" detachment, to worry, to anger, disgust, compassion, confusion, understanding, and back to hope again. I realize that a steady course would be better, and am trying to progress with that. I HATE how far reaching his addiction has been,..into our family, his health, present, future, ..as well as our finances, and relationships with other people,...both extended family and friends. He goes back to court on Dec. 17th for a possession charge and I don't know that I'll be there this time........

I need relief

2010-11-30T23:30:00.000-05:00

I am a long time reader of the many blogs of parents of addicts. I know some of you so well, or so I feel,...thank God. You all have supported and nurtured me....and given me some glimpse of understanding and hope, during the long and painful journey of our son's addiction, ...these past 4 years. He is currently "trying" to be clean,....and I'm worn out,..... I KNOW that I "CAN" have that life of peace and happiness that I hear of, IF I can make my way to the light that is there for me to enjoy, whether or not he is able to actively/consistently pursue sobriety. I really want to be able to do that.....have some level of peace and happiness, and always make the most of the abundance that's present in my life, despite the challenge and pain that our son's addiction brings to us.